St: Hi BB. You been there long?
BB: You don't seem yourself at the moment?
St: Say more.
(Beat)
Sorry. Silly of me. Well to tell the truth I am a bit drained.
BB: Don't you normally tell the truth?
St: It's just an expression.
BB: Unlike you to waste words.
St: True. I've not been myself recently. Damn.
BB: Damn?
St: Yeah. You're always convincing me you're not going to pull the football away and then you do.
BB: Sorry Charlie.
St: Think that reference will be lost on most of my readers?
BB: I think it will be lost on both of them.
St: Good put down.
BB: So, you let me make you own up. Like you always do. What's the problem?
St: I'm not really sure. Good things are happening but more of them will happen if I do more. But I am struggling to do more because if I do more I leave myself drained by too much inter-action.
BB: So don't do more.
St: You make it sound so easy. Don't you have a conscience?
(Beat)
I know. I know.
BB: You need to eat a slug.
St: That is the best advice you've ever given me. I do. Tomorrow I will dice 'more' up very thinly and eat a small slice of it. Thanks.
BB: Usual fee?
St: How much do I owe you?
BB: Everything.
Big Blogger is a figment of St's imagination who turns up and gives him a helpful grilling every now and again.
BB: Who are you calling a figment?
Showing posts with label Big Blogger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Big Blogger. Show all posts
Sunday, April 07, 2013
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Big Blogger
BB: Good morning St.
St: Wow. You don't normally announce yourself like that. You usually creep up behind the photocopier and surprise me.
BB: You don't have a photocopier.
St: It was a metaphor.
BB: I've been meaning to have a word with you about that.
St: What?
BB: Hiding behind metaphors. Anyway there is no point in creeping up on you if you are expecting me. Guests don't normally climb in through the window.
St: I was expecting you?
BB: You know you were. You have something to say and this is the way you choose to say it from time to time.
St: OK.
(Beat)
St: Oh I get it. This is where you get me to say it by staring?
BB: Who said that was staring?
(Beat)
(Beat)
St: It doesn't work when I wait does it?
(Beat)
St: No. So I have this feeling that something I said yesterday in jest is something I actually mean.
BB: Don't you normally mean what you say?
St: I fear I always do, but a little laugh at the end of the sentence is designed to put doubt in people's minds.
BB: We all do that (chuckles).
St: Well I said, disguised as a joke, 'Everybody else is stupid except me' but I am going through a period where I genuinely think that. Then last night I had this dream...
BB: Now you're really on my territory. Go on...
St: Some people approached me as I was parking my car. A dysfunctional family where all the adults were female and there were feral kids everywhere. They suspected I was lost, which I was, and asked if I wanted help. As they asked me apparently side-tracking questions I kept putting my hand on my wallet. They had a rug which they put on the roof of the car while we chatted. When they left I offered to re-fold the rug for them but it wasn't kindness; it was to check out it wasn't my rug as I own a similar one.
Later me and Mrs T found ourselves at their house for a meal. I was worried it would have meat and veggie Mrs T would have to turn down their hospitality but it was a delicious, simple meal with potatoes and eggs. All the time I felt threatened and uncomfortable.
(Beat)
Trust issues I think.
BB: May I summarise?
St: (Leaps back in amazement) You don't do that. This is where you walk off slowly and leave me to discover what this conversation was all about.
BB: And you like that?
St: No, no I hate it. Who wouldn't rather have absolute clarity of guidance from the other side.
BB: OK. Well brace yourself and just this once then...
(Beat)
(Beat)
BB: You do have trust issues but that doesn't mean everyone else isn't stupid.
St: I need to trust the stupid. How do I do that?
BB: Remember, a summary isn't a solution.
St: I still need to apply it?
(Beat)
St: (To no-one in particular) I thought he'd go at that point.
Big Blogger is St's imaginary friend who turns up and gives him a hard time occasionally.
St: Wow. You don't normally announce yourself like that. You usually creep up behind the photocopier and surprise me.
BB: You don't have a photocopier.
St: It was a metaphor.
BB: I've been meaning to have a word with you about that.
St: What?
BB: Hiding behind metaphors. Anyway there is no point in creeping up on you if you are expecting me. Guests don't normally climb in through the window.
St: I was expecting you?
BB: You know you were. You have something to say and this is the way you choose to say it from time to time.
St: OK.
(Beat)
St: Oh I get it. This is where you get me to say it by staring?
BB: Who said that was staring?
(Beat)
(Beat)
St: It doesn't work when I wait does it?
(Beat)
St: No. So I have this feeling that something I said yesterday in jest is something I actually mean.
BB: Don't you normally mean what you say?
St: I fear I always do, but a little laugh at the end of the sentence is designed to put doubt in people's minds.
BB: We all do that (chuckles).
St: Well I said, disguised as a joke, 'Everybody else is stupid except me' but I am going through a period where I genuinely think that. Then last night I had this dream...
BB: Now you're really on my territory. Go on...
St: Some people approached me as I was parking my car. A dysfunctional family where all the adults were female and there were feral kids everywhere. They suspected I was lost, which I was, and asked if I wanted help. As they asked me apparently side-tracking questions I kept putting my hand on my wallet. They had a rug which they put on the roof of the car while we chatted. When they left I offered to re-fold the rug for them but it wasn't kindness; it was to check out it wasn't my rug as I own a similar one.
Later me and Mrs T found ourselves at their house for a meal. I was worried it would have meat and veggie Mrs T would have to turn down their hospitality but it was a delicious, simple meal with potatoes and eggs. All the time I felt threatened and uncomfortable.
(Beat)
Trust issues I think.
BB: May I summarise?
St: (Leaps back in amazement) You don't do that. This is where you walk off slowly and leave me to discover what this conversation was all about.
BB: And you like that?
St: No, no I hate it. Who wouldn't rather have absolute clarity of guidance from the other side.
BB: OK. Well brace yourself and just this once then...
(Beat)
(Beat)
BB: You do have trust issues but that doesn't mean everyone else isn't stupid.
St: I need to trust the stupid. How do I do that?
BB: Remember, a summary isn't a solution.
St: I still need to apply it?
(Beat)
St: (To no-one in particular) I thought he'd go at that point.
Big Blogger is St's imaginary friend who turns up and gives him a hard time occasionally.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Big Blogger
BB
Right, let's get this straight. Jesus is dead.
WWA
No.
BB
What do you mean no? We celebrated his death yesterday.
WWA
We wouldn't have celebrated his death if he'd been dead. We would have forgotten him. We celebrated because he's alive.
BB
Really? Wasn't that a bit rude? Does he mind?
WWA
We never really think about how he feels. It's all about how we feel.
BB
Are you sure? Won't that comment upset a lot of fine, upstanding Christian people?
WWA
Have you read this blog before?
BB
Good point.
WWA
Can I ask a question?
BB
Sure, but you know the rules.
WWA
If you are only a part of my subconscious does that mean my subconscious is not a follower of Jesus?
BB
Good point.
WWA
It was a question.
BB
Sorry. Good question.
WWA
And?
BB
You think, subconsciously, that the church's year can do more harm than good?
WWA
I do? I do? I do.
Right, let's get this straight. Jesus is dead.
WWA
No.
BB
What do you mean no? We celebrated his death yesterday.
WWA
We wouldn't have celebrated his death if he'd been dead. We would have forgotten him. We celebrated because he's alive.
BB
Really? Wasn't that a bit rude? Does he mind?
WWA
We never really think about how he feels. It's all about how we feel.
BB
Are you sure? Won't that comment upset a lot of fine, upstanding Christian people?
WWA
Have you read this blog before?
BB
Good point.
WWA
Can I ask a question?
BB
Sure, but you know the rules.
WWA
If you are only a part of my subconscious does that mean my subconscious is not a follower of Jesus?
BB
Good point.
WWA
It was a question.
BB
Sorry. Good question.
WWA
And?
BB
You think, subconsciously, that the church's year can do more harm than good?
WWA
I do? I do? I do.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Big Blogger
St
Strewth you surprised me. How long you been in that cupboard?
BB
Not as long as some of the rubbish you have in here. Malta uses the Euro now you know.
St
Yeah, yeah good point. I expect you'll be nagging me about the state of my study too.
(Beat)
OK, the silent treatment. I'll de-clutter it.
BB
See that wasn't so bad. The longest of journeys starts with one step and all that.
St
Thing is I need more than a one step programme. I need to join de-clutterers anonymous. My name's St and I've been putting things down when I should throw them out for years.
BB
Why do you do that?
St
I don't know BB. I often put left-over food in the fridge for three days before chucking it. Likewise I put ex computer hardware on a shelf for three years for similar reasons. And of course some stuff just demands to be kept because one day it will become a training activity.
BB
Bag handles?
St
Same to you. But yes, bag handles come under that heading.
BB
That can't be the whole reason though.
St
You're right. In fact the busier I get the clutterier I become but in a minimalist household a lot of clutter gravitates towards my rooms.
BB
So, ten lines in and we get to the bottom of it. You're too busy.
St
I guess so. I hate to admit it but in my line of work it's a bit cyclical. To get things done, from time to time you have to be too busy. The knack is to accept the quieter times and relax rather than to go looking for things to do.
BB
Wise words St. If only you listened to them.
St
Ouch.
(Beat)
I love the way you just let the pain hurt rather than hugging and stuff.
BB
Hugging would make me feel better but it might stop you acknowledging your problem.
St
I also love the way we share a view of the world.
BB
So you can sing in harmony with the voices in your head. Don't be that proud.
St
Ouch
(Beat)
Ouch
(Beat)
Ouch
BB
Better?
St
Yes thanks.
Big Blogger is St's imaginary friend who pops along and puts him through the mincer every now and then when he needs to acknowledge his sins in public in order to change.
Strewth you surprised me. How long you been in that cupboard?
BB
Not as long as some of the rubbish you have in here. Malta uses the Euro now you know.
St
Yeah, yeah good point. I expect you'll be nagging me about the state of my study too.
(Beat)
OK, the silent treatment. I'll de-clutter it.
BB
See that wasn't so bad. The longest of journeys starts with one step and all that.
St
Thing is I need more than a one step programme. I need to join de-clutterers anonymous. My name's St and I've been putting things down when I should throw them out for years.
BB
Why do you do that?
St
I don't know BB. I often put left-over food in the fridge for three days before chucking it. Likewise I put ex computer hardware on a shelf for three years for similar reasons. And of course some stuff just demands to be kept because one day it will become a training activity.
BB
Bag handles?
St
Same to you. But yes, bag handles come under that heading.
BB
That can't be the whole reason though.
St
You're right. In fact the busier I get the clutterier I become but in a minimalist household a lot of clutter gravitates towards my rooms.
BB
So, ten lines in and we get to the bottom of it. You're too busy.
St
I guess so. I hate to admit it but in my line of work it's a bit cyclical. To get things done, from time to time you have to be too busy. The knack is to accept the quieter times and relax rather than to go looking for things to do.
BB
Wise words St. If only you listened to them.
St
Ouch.
(Beat)
I love the way you just let the pain hurt rather than hugging and stuff.
BB
Hugging would make me feel better but it might stop you acknowledging your problem.
St
I also love the way we share a view of the world.
BB
So you can sing in harmony with the voices in your head. Don't be that proud.
St
Ouch
(Beat)
Ouch
(Beat)
Ouch
BB
Better?
St
Yes thanks.
Big Blogger is St's imaginary friend who pops along and puts him through the mincer every now and then when he needs to acknowledge his sins in public in order to change.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Big Blogger
St
BB. How are you? And why the rabbit costume?
BB
I've been watching Donnie Darko again. There's a precedent.
St
Hang on. Wasn't that about a deluded kid with an imaginary friend?
(Beat)
I forgot. You don't answer that sort of question do you?
BB
So what's the state of your faith?
St
Can't you ask about my health or work or reading or filing or something gentle first?
(beat)
OK, OK. My faith is as strong as ever.
BB
So why has it always been like that?
St
I've been asking myself that. Once upon a time I analysed all the things I believed and rationalised as to why they were, on balance, more likely than not. I proved to myself that being a Christian was the right thing to do and followed Jesus as a result.
BB
Once upon a time?
St
Yeah.
BB
So what changed?
St
I worked out (rationally) that that wasn't faith. It was logic. Having very little faith (Mustard Seed Shavings anyone?) and yet acting as if everything is proved, is having great faith.
BB
I like your reasoning. But isn't it still reasoning? Can't you ever let go of reasoning?
(Beat)
Well?
St
You don't like it when I do it to you do you?
(Beat)
(Beat)
(Beat)
(Beat)
BB
You know who will crack first?
St
I don't really know how to let go of reasoning completely. Cogito ergo sum and all that. I think there are meaningful beliefs that are not based on my experience but I don't know how to access them apart from reasoning.
BB
Wow.
St
Why?
BB
That was really good thinking that. Top drawer pants.
St
But still pants?
BB
Glass darkly and all that.
St
I'm going to pray now.
BB
Wow.
St
Why?
BB
No way is that logical. Keep this up and for a nominal service charge you'll achieve Nirvana tonight.
St
Wrong faith; but good Zappa quote.
BB
By the way did you hear about the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit talking about their holiday plans?
St
No.
BB
They all decide to holiday in England. God the Father says he's going to the Eden Project as it reminds him of a lovely garden he made once when the beauty was unspoiled. Jesus the Son says he's going to the Northumberland Moors where there is a vast wilderness for prayer and solitude. They ask the Holy Spirit where he's going and he says to New Wine at Shepton Mallet.
'Why there?' ask Father and Son.
'Oh' he says, 'I like to go to places I've never been before.'
St
Thank you, good night.
Big Blogger is St's friend.
BB. How are you? And why the rabbit costume?
BB
I've been watching Donnie Darko again. There's a precedent.
St
Hang on. Wasn't that about a deluded kid with an imaginary friend?
(Beat)
I forgot. You don't answer that sort of question do you?
BB
So what's the state of your faith?
St
Can't you ask about my health or work or reading or filing or something gentle first?
(beat)
OK, OK. My faith is as strong as ever.
BB
So why has it always been like that?
St
I've been asking myself that. Once upon a time I analysed all the things I believed and rationalised as to why they were, on balance, more likely than not. I proved to myself that being a Christian was the right thing to do and followed Jesus as a result.
BB
Once upon a time?
St
Yeah.
BB
So what changed?
St
I worked out (rationally) that that wasn't faith. It was logic. Having very little faith (Mustard Seed Shavings anyone?) and yet acting as if everything is proved, is having great faith.
BB
I like your reasoning. But isn't it still reasoning? Can't you ever let go of reasoning?
(Beat)
Well?
St
You don't like it when I do it to you do you?
(Beat)
(Beat)
(Beat)
(Beat)
BB
You know who will crack first?
St
I don't really know how to let go of reasoning completely. Cogito ergo sum and all that. I think there are meaningful beliefs that are not based on my experience but I don't know how to access them apart from reasoning.
BB
Wow.
St
Why?
BB
That was really good thinking that. Top drawer pants.
St
But still pants?
BB
Glass darkly and all that.
St
I'm going to pray now.
BB
Wow.
St
Why?
BB
No way is that logical. Keep this up and for a nominal service charge you'll achieve Nirvana tonight.
St
Wrong faith; but good Zappa quote.
BB
By the way did you hear about the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit talking about their holiday plans?
St
No.
BB
They all decide to holiday in England. God the Father says he's going to the Eden Project as it reminds him of a lovely garden he made once when the beauty was unspoiled. Jesus the Son says he's going to the Northumberland Moors where there is a vast wilderness for prayer and solitude. They ask the Holy Spirit where he's going and he says to New Wine at Shepton Mallet.
'Why there?' ask Father and Son.
'Oh' he says, 'I like to go to places I've never been before.'
St
Thank you, good night.
Big Blogger is St's friend.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Big Blogger
INTERIOR NIGHT
St is sitting at his desk with a bowl of porridge. He is breathing out frost and occasionally feeling the radiator next to him. A ghostly apparition appears
St is sitting at his desk with a bowl of porridge. He is breathing out frost and occasionally feeling the radiator next to him. A ghostly apparition appears
BB
Morning St. You're up early. How's it going?
St
Hey BB. I'm OK.
BB
No you're not.
St
You're right. I wanted to lay this out like a film script but blogger edit is pants for that.
BB
That's not the problem.
St
No, I guess not. I searched for myself on the Diocesan web-site and I don't exist.
BB
That's brilliant. A full-time job with pay where no-one knows you exist. Perfect.
St
Is it?
BB
Of course. Don't tell anyone. Still. That's not the problem either.
St
It isn't?
(Beat)
You're not going to speak again are you?
(Beat)
OK, I get the hang of it. It's been a while. BB I've got over 50 things on my things to do list and I don't really care about any of them.
BB
Nothing scary enough?
St
Quite.
BB
You need to go away for a few days and read, get your head put back together, take a Sunday off and get ready to do all that Christmas guff you do so well.
St
Guff?
BB
You know what I mean. By the way.
St
Yeah
BB
You exist, but only in my head.
St
Aaaagh!!
St and MSS will be back after a bit of R and R in Derbyshire. Mrs Mustard remains available at home.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Big Blogger
St
Is that any way to greet someone. Just standing there watching until I notice you? How long you been there?
BB
Hello St. How are you today?
St
Well my Facebook status says over-committeed. Not a spelling error.
BB
You do seem to be quite involved in meetings. Do you not enjoy them?
St
I think I see them as a necessary evil. If getting people together at the same time saves time then they are good. But too many of them are about opinions rather than action.
BB
That's your opinion I imagine
St
I see what you did there. But I do tend to volunteer to be the secretary/note-taker because firstly someone has to do it, secondly I can do it and thirdly it gives me something to do in duller meetings.
BB
But in your ideal meeting?
St
I'd be charged with preparing material to bring for discussion which someone else would chair and someone else would record. Then the brains really could storm a bit
BB
So in making sure the meetings you go to are not dreadful you have jeopardised the thing it would be most useful to have you at a meeting for?
St
About it.
BB
And for you there is no need for a meeting to 'get to know one another' because you're quite happy to dive in deep at once and it never occurs to you that others need a bit of a run-up at that?
St
Oh it occurs to me. I just think they're all wrong.
BB
Opinion is divided - everyone else says you do but you say you don't?
St
Oh that makes me sound very arrogant.
I hate it when you look at me like that.
What are you doing with that rope? BB. I can't move now. No, don't press publish. I can't tell people this yet. I need to be gentle BB, BB, oh no...
Big Blogger is an imaginary friend
Is that any way to greet someone. Just standing there watching until I notice you? How long you been there?
BB
Hello St. How are you today?
St
Well my Facebook status says over-committeed. Not a spelling error.
BB
You do seem to be quite involved in meetings. Do you not enjoy them?
St
I think I see them as a necessary evil. If getting people together at the same time saves time then they are good. But too many of them are about opinions rather than action.
BB
That's your opinion I imagine
St
I see what you did there. But I do tend to volunteer to be the secretary/note-taker because firstly someone has to do it, secondly I can do it and thirdly it gives me something to do in duller meetings.
BB
But in your ideal meeting?
St
I'd be charged with preparing material to bring for discussion which someone else would chair and someone else would record. Then the brains really could storm a bit
BB
So in making sure the meetings you go to are not dreadful you have jeopardised the thing it would be most useful to have you at a meeting for?
St
About it.
BB
And for you there is no need for a meeting to 'get to know one another' because you're quite happy to dive in deep at once and it never occurs to you that others need a bit of a run-up at that?
St
Oh it occurs to me. I just think they're all wrong.
BB
Opinion is divided - everyone else says you do but you say you don't?
St
Oh that makes me sound very arrogant.
I hate it when you look at me like that.
What are you doing with that rope? BB. I can't move now. No, don't press publish. I can't tell people this yet. I need to be gentle BB, BB, oh no...
Big Blogger is an imaginary friend
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
BB
BB
That was a weird dream the other night?
St
Too right. I didn't think my Dad was anything like Jeremy Clarkson. And the car hasn't got a sun roof. And I don't recall Chester-le-Street like that at all.
BB
It's the product of a mind winding down I should think.
St
Winding down? Packing up more like. This mind is full of mush. It's not been reading. It can't write. Roll on next week's holiday.
BB
So how was the year for you?
St
Are you trying to tell me I haven't done my review of the year yet?
BB
Well?
St
I think it was disappointing. Mind you I get disappointed when things are only good not great so who am I to say.
BB
Was nothing great?
St
Oh there were a few 18 certificate moments, REM in Cardiff (so good I forgot to mention them in my Christmas letter; how mushed am I?), some nice meals out, a good holiday, No Country for Old Men, West Brom's promotion. These were all pretty good.
BB
Pretty good? Don't you ever do superlatives?
St
I don't want to peak too soon. Anyway I've spent two days with my mother. Everything that happens in her life is either an unmitigated disaster or absolutely beautiful. I think I am rebelling against that. Most of life is OK, no more no less.
BB
So what has 2009 in store?
St
Hopefully a new Rector of Holy Trinity, Nailsea. That would leave me feeling a little less like I'd been applied to life with a butter knife. Followed by a priested curate and then there would be three of us who could do the magic bits.
BB
Magic bits?
St
You know. Bread - wine, wine - bread, thank you, thank you.
BB
The Tommy Cooper setting of the Eucharist?
St
Quite so.
BB
Anything else?
St
Well a trip to Japan, but you know me and travel.
BB
Not good. Ever thought why not?
St
Lots. I think I spend so much of my working life trying to persuade people to risk the unfamiliar that when it comes to holidays I want the comfort of the familiar myself. The unfamiliar feels like work.
BB
Is there a lesson in there?
St
No.
BB
Sure?
St
I could be the sort of minister who simply gave everyone a nice gentle dose of the familiar week by week and only visited the congregation. I reckon we'd not shrink apart from natural wastage but we'd be gone in a generation. Would you stop prying?
BB
You invented me, remember. How's that cut you got with the butter knife?
St
I can't believe it's not better.
BB
We should do this propfessionally.
St
I think the word propfessionally tells you everything you need to know about why we don't.
BB
I've been Big Blogger. Good night.
St
And a Happy New Year.
New readers need to know that Big Blogger is an imaginary friend who turns up every now and again and gives St a hard time.
That was a weird dream the other night?
St
Too right. I didn't think my Dad was anything like Jeremy Clarkson. And the car hasn't got a sun roof. And I don't recall Chester-le-Street like that at all.
BB
It's the product of a mind winding down I should think.
St
Winding down? Packing up more like. This mind is full of mush. It's not been reading. It can't write. Roll on next week's holiday.
BB
So how was the year for you?
St
Are you trying to tell me I haven't done my review of the year yet?
BB
Well?
St
I think it was disappointing. Mind you I get disappointed when things are only good not great so who am I to say.
BB
Was nothing great?
St
Oh there were a few 18 certificate moments, REM in Cardiff (so good I forgot to mention them in my Christmas letter; how mushed am I?), some nice meals out, a good holiday, No Country for Old Men, West Brom's promotion. These were all pretty good.
BB
Pretty good? Don't you ever do superlatives?
St
I don't want to peak too soon. Anyway I've spent two days with my mother. Everything that happens in her life is either an unmitigated disaster or absolutely beautiful. I think I am rebelling against that. Most of life is OK, no more no less.
BB
So what has 2009 in store?
St
Hopefully a new Rector of Holy Trinity, Nailsea. That would leave me feeling a little less like I'd been applied to life with a butter knife. Followed by a priested curate and then there would be three of us who could do the magic bits.
BB
Magic bits?
St
You know. Bread - wine, wine - bread, thank you, thank you.
BB
The Tommy Cooper setting of the Eucharist?
St
Quite so.
BB
Anything else?
St
Well a trip to Japan, but you know me and travel.
BB
Not good. Ever thought why not?
St
Lots. I think I spend so much of my working life trying to persuade people to risk the unfamiliar that when it comes to holidays I want the comfort of the familiar myself. The unfamiliar feels like work.
BB
Is there a lesson in there?
St
No.
BB
Sure?
St
I could be the sort of minister who simply gave everyone a nice gentle dose of the familiar week by week and only visited the congregation. I reckon we'd not shrink apart from natural wastage but we'd be gone in a generation. Would you stop prying?
BB
You invented me, remember. How's that cut you got with the butter knife?
St
I can't believe it's not better.
BB
We should do this propfessionally.
St
I think the word propfessionally tells you everything you need to know about why we don't.
BB
I've been Big Blogger. Good night.
St
And a Happy New Year.
New readers need to know that Big Blogger is an imaginary friend who turns up every now and again and gives St a hard time.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Big Blogger
BB, you gave me a shock.
Sorry, I've been in here a long time.
I wondered what was in that box.
20 Euros, 2 paracetamol and an old key.
Wow. I wonder what it opens. Maybe it's that bathroom window. Pass the paracetamol.
Been drinking?
If only. There was a glass of chardonnay by my bed this morning but I seem to remember testing it on a blocked drain after one sip last night then zzzz...
So do you often take alcohol to bed?
Frankly no. But I had a bit of a head-spinning day yesterday.
What happened?
I'm not really sure. A load of good things I think. Maybe I just spent too many hours in a row with people.
On a Monday? How did that happen?
Yeah guilty. The world is space invading. I added two long meetings to a day that already had Church Council and clergy chapter. Ten and a half hours of conversation. Not enough space. Church Council over-ran by 30 minutes and some people weren't happy with some things afterwards. Should have anticipated that.
Doh.
Doh indeed.
Got a plan?
Not really.
Get used to it?
That's not a plan.
Space today?
Yeah, this afternoon for a few hours. Gym will help a bit. And women can be bishops now.
By the way how is the drain?
Good question. I'll check. How did your mind jump from drains to women bishops?
Oh that's perfectly logical.
(Big Blogger is a little friend who pops along every now and again and helps the diaryist to get a grip.)
Sorry, I've been in here a long time.
I wondered what was in that box.
20 Euros, 2 paracetamol and an old key.
Wow. I wonder what it opens. Maybe it's that bathroom window. Pass the paracetamol.
Been drinking?
If only. There was a glass of chardonnay by my bed this morning but I seem to remember testing it on a blocked drain after one sip last night then zzzz...
So do you often take alcohol to bed?
Frankly no. But I had a bit of a head-spinning day yesterday.
What happened?
I'm not really sure. A load of good things I think. Maybe I just spent too many hours in a row with people.
On a Monday? How did that happen?
Yeah guilty. The world is space invading. I added two long meetings to a day that already had Church Council and clergy chapter. Ten and a half hours of conversation. Not enough space. Church Council over-ran by 30 minutes and some people weren't happy with some things afterwards. Should have anticipated that.
Doh.
Doh indeed.
Got a plan?
Not really.
Get used to it?
That's not a plan.
Space today?
Yeah, this afternoon for a few hours. Gym will help a bit. And women can be bishops now.
By the way how is the drain?
Good question. I'll check. How did your mind jump from drains to women bishops?
Oh that's perfectly logical.
(Big Blogger is a little friend who pops along every now and again and helps the diaryist to get a grip.)
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Big Blogger
My, you surprised me. And why are you wearing that?
I sometimes dress like this in my spare time.
You come and see me in your spare time.
I come and see you when you call. Can't help it if I'm dressed wrong.
Fair point. What do you want?
You don't get this do you St? You want me to ask you questions such as 'How is it going?' or 'What are you thinking about?' You called.
I guess I've been avoiding you. Sorry.
Why?
Well it's interesting that if, say, things were not going that well, or I was disappointed at progress, I wouldn't find it as easy to put my thoughts here as I used to.
Why not?
Good question. I suppose firstly there is the army of people who read but never comment and then tell me in Tescos that they liked what I wrote. If I'd wanted a verbal conversation I'd have started one. I think better in writing on some matters even though when I speak I'm pretty damn sharp and articulate and that. Secondly, since I try and work as collaboratively as possible, I have to make 100% sure that anything critical has already been shared with the collaborators and that they won't be wounded by anything that looks like public criticism.
Blimey, where you get sensitivity and tact all of a sudden?
I don't know. Perhaps those God calls he equips or something. But why don't people value feedback unless it's totally positive.
Because you're weird. Most people don't enjoy being told how they're doing. You have to be pretty safe with your own identity to welcome negative feedback.
But how do you grow if you don't welcome negative feedback.
Now you ask good questions.
And?
Don't be silly.
Sorry. So does a minister simply have to spend all their time being enthusiastic and encouraging even if people are, hypothetically of course, being rubbish?
Perhaps it makes people like you.
It makes people like me what?
It makes people like you. The opposite of dislike. Not it makes people such as you.
Funny. Why would I want that?
You can't want the opposite? By the way glad you didn't say lol.
You hate that too.
Absolutely. So you don't want folks to dislike you?
I suppose not. No-one wants people to hate them. Perhaps I ought to tread carefully but be more willing to question when things are done badly?
Are you enjoying your day off so far?
This is last week's day off. I've got this week's day off tomorrow. Having two days off in a row feels a bit like a weekend and I end up more willing to confront my demons on one of them.
Well done.
Are you just encouraging me because that's what you do?
You still don't get this do you?
Slowly BB. Slowly. Thanks for dropping by. That shade of pink suits you.
Do you think so?
You'll never know.
Readers new to the role BB plays in St's life may want to search back through the blog for previous examples of awkward conversations with imaginary friends. Try here or here or here or here or here.
I sometimes dress like this in my spare time.
You come and see me in your spare time.
I come and see you when you call. Can't help it if I'm dressed wrong.
Fair point. What do you want?
You don't get this do you St? You want me to ask you questions such as 'How is it going?' or 'What are you thinking about?' You called.
I guess I've been avoiding you. Sorry.
Why?
Well it's interesting that if, say, things were not going that well, or I was disappointed at progress, I wouldn't find it as easy to put my thoughts here as I used to.
Why not?
Good question. I suppose firstly there is the army of people who read but never comment and then tell me in Tescos that they liked what I wrote. If I'd wanted a verbal conversation I'd have started one. I think better in writing on some matters even though when I speak I'm pretty damn sharp and articulate and that. Secondly, since I try and work as collaboratively as possible, I have to make 100% sure that anything critical has already been shared with the collaborators and that they won't be wounded by anything that looks like public criticism.
Blimey, where you get sensitivity and tact all of a sudden?
I don't know. Perhaps those God calls he equips or something. But why don't people value feedback unless it's totally positive.
Because you're weird. Most people don't enjoy being told how they're doing. You have to be pretty safe with your own identity to welcome negative feedback.
But how do you grow if you don't welcome negative feedback.
Now you ask good questions.
And?
Don't be silly.
Sorry. So does a minister simply have to spend all their time being enthusiastic and encouraging even if people are, hypothetically of course, being rubbish?
Perhaps it makes people like you.
It makes people like me what?
It makes people like you. The opposite of dislike. Not it makes people such as you.
Funny. Why would I want that?
You can't want the opposite? By the way glad you didn't say lol.
You hate that too.
Absolutely. So you don't want folks to dislike you?
I suppose not. No-one wants people to hate them. Perhaps I ought to tread carefully but be more willing to question when things are done badly?
Are you enjoying your day off so far?
This is last week's day off. I've got this week's day off tomorrow. Having two days off in a row feels a bit like a weekend and I end up more willing to confront my demons on one of them.
Well done.
Are you just encouraging me because that's what you do?
You still don't get this do you?
Slowly BB. Slowly. Thanks for dropping by. That shade of pink suits you.
Do you think so?
You'll never know.
Readers new to the role BB plays in St's life may want to search back through the blog for previous examples of awkward conversations with imaginary friends. Try here or here or here or here or here.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
BB
BB is Big Blogger and is an imaginary friend who pops along every now and then and gives me a hard time or says things I dare not say.
BB where you bin?
Oh around St, around.
I thought you'd left me.
Course not. Just didn't think open-hearth surgery was a good thing in your early days in a new place. You know how you are with disclosure. Get carried away.
You mean heart not hearth?
You have a heart?
Fair point.
So. How's it going?
You know I don't really know. I feel settled, comfortable, at home and all that but also a little nervous that the only way forward, to grow this church, is for busy people to get busier.
But you always say that if you are going to do more as a busy person then you need to work out first what to do less of.
I say it in better English.
Git.
Fair point. But that would mean telling busy people that they should give up a lot of their extra-curicular activity for a bit and devote more time to the church.
Or?
Or simply have the church as a support group for busy people with other ministries.
Hmm. Dilemma.
Indeed.
I'll pop back next week and ask you how it went?
How what went?
The discussion.
What discussion?
The one this just started.
BB where you bin?
Oh around St, around.
I thought you'd left me.
Course not. Just didn't think open-hearth surgery was a good thing in your early days in a new place. You know how you are with disclosure. Get carried away.
You mean heart not hearth?
You have a heart?
Fair point.
So. How's it going?
You know I don't really know. I feel settled, comfortable, at home and all that but also a little nervous that the only way forward, to grow this church, is for busy people to get busier.
But you always say that if you are going to do more as a busy person then you need to work out first what to do less of.
I say it in better English.
Git.
Fair point. But that would mean telling busy people that they should give up a lot of their extra-curicular activity for a bit and devote more time to the church.
Or?
Or simply have the church as a support group for busy people with other ministries.
Hmm. Dilemma.
Indeed.
I'll pop back next week and ask you how it went?
How what went?
The discussion.
What discussion?
The one this just started.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Big Blogger
For those who haven't read way back in the archives Big Blogger is an imaginary friend who turns up every now and again and gives me a hard time. Trust BB to turn up on my day off. And dressed like that too.
Morning
Hi St. What are you up to?
Trying to work out how to get work off my mind on a day off sandwiched between two busy days.
Get out.
What?
Get out. Go somewhere else. It's not love that's all around here it's work. Go where it isn't.
But I want to stay around today.
The old cake eat it problem.
Never really got that. What's the point of having cake if you can't eat it?
Good point. You should research that. They tell me the internet's very good for research.
Ha ha. Did I tell you the fridge freezer went wrong again?
Another reason to eat the cake quickly. Anyway, you should get that seen to.
Engineer is coming on Tuesday. Meanwhile the hottest place in the kitchen is the fridge.
Is that getting you down?
Yeah. I hate broken things. I like things that are pretty good and making them great.
Is that why you're enjoying work?
Am I? I guess I am. And yes it is. Nothing's really broken round here; it just doesn't seem to have been used to its full capacity. Need to put the throttle down and see what this thing can do.
Easy tiger. No point gunning it without a map.
Can't we just keep the sun on our right?
You got sun there?
Good point. No, only grey.
So dress in colour today. Be the brightest thing around. Go and buy some seasonally coloured clothes. They tell me pistachio is in.
Is that what colour that is?
No, this isn't available where you come from?
Somerset?
No earth.
Do you think this is getting increasingly surreal?
Fish.
That's so old.
Where's your mind?
Ooh. Not on work.
I'm hot.
Ta BB. OK, ten minutes of keyboards, find a soundtrack to the day, breakfast, housework, gym, a drive somewhere else, home, read, cook, TV and the sofa.
And remember, the garage is colder than the fridge.
Morning
Hi St. What are you up to?
Trying to work out how to get work off my mind on a day off sandwiched between two busy days.
Get out.
What?
Get out. Go somewhere else. It's not love that's all around here it's work. Go where it isn't.
But I want to stay around today.
The old cake eat it problem.
Never really got that. What's the point of having cake if you can't eat it?
Good point. You should research that. They tell me the internet's very good for research.
Ha ha. Did I tell you the fridge freezer went wrong again?
Another reason to eat the cake quickly. Anyway, you should get that seen to.
Engineer is coming on Tuesday. Meanwhile the hottest place in the kitchen is the fridge.
Is that getting you down?
Yeah. I hate broken things. I like things that are pretty good and making them great.
Is that why you're enjoying work?
Am I? I guess I am. And yes it is. Nothing's really broken round here; it just doesn't seem to have been used to its full capacity. Need to put the throttle down and see what this thing can do.
Easy tiger. No point gunning it without a map.
Can't we just keep the sun on our right?
You got sun there?
Good point. No, only grey.
So dress in colour today. Be the brightest thing around. Go and buy some seasonally coloured clothes. They tell me pistachio is in.
Is that what colour that is?
No, this isn't available where you come from?
Somerset?
No earth.
Do you think this is getting increasingly surreal?
Fish.
That's so old.
Where's your mind?
Ooh. Not on work.
I'm hot.
Ta BB. OK, ten minutes of keyboards, find a soundtrack to the day, breakfast, housework, gym, a drive somewhere else, home, read, cook, TV and the sofa.
And remember, the garage is colder than the fridge.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Big Blogger
Hello St. How are you today?
Well hello BB. Thought you'd be busy helping out on the real BB.
No, that lot can make complete fools out of themselves without any help from me. Anyway I got fed up of the swearing.
Yes it's getting me down a bit I must admit. Why do they allow the swearing to be heard but blank it out in the sub-titles? What's that all about? And why do they ask people not to swear in the eviction night programme?
You'd have to ask the producers; I'm just employed for my looks.
And if they don't want swearing why have a contestant with Tourette's Syndrome who says wankers every ten seconds. By the way lovely piece to camera last night by Pete in the diary room talking about his last job as a cloakroom attendant. 'The management loved me,' he said '...and especially they liked the fact that I said wankers a lot because some of their customers were wankers.' Friday night Davina should say, 'Big Brother House this is Davina. You are live on Channel 4 please do not swear apart from you Pete because that's not swearing it's a syndrome.' But you have to admit that it is eye-opening to discover quite how stupid real people are. I don't have enough stupid friends. Going to rectify that.
How?
Good question. I guess I could just recalibrate my existing friends as stupid and see them from a different point of view.
Think that'll work? You have few enough friends as it is.
True. Maybe I'll just go and watch the World Cup in the Cask and Bottle.
Much better plan. Stupidity can run free down there. So how are you?
Nothing gets by you does it?
I said, nothing... oh I get it, you'll stay quiet until I respond now. I'm fine. I'm going to get something to eat now.
Open the door BB. I'm really fine. Open the door. I have no more to say. Open the door.
St. Last night at 10.45 p.m. you said... How did you do that? Come back. You can't open that door by yourself it's not possible. St. St
Well hello BB. Thought you'd be busy helping out on the real BB.
No, that lot can make complete fools out of themselves without any help from me. Anyway I got fed up of the swearing.
Yes it's getting me down a bit I must admit. Why do they allow the swearing to be heard but blank it out in the sub-titles? What's that all about? And why do they ask people not to swear in the eviction night programme?
You'd have to ask the producers; I'm just employed for my looks.
And if they don't want swearing why have a contestant with Tourette's Syndrome who says wankers every ten seconds. By the way lovely piece to camera last night by Pete in the diary room talking about his last job as a cloakroom attendant. 'The management loved me,' he said '...and especially they liked the fact that I said wankers a lot because some of their customers were wankers.' Friday night Davina should say, 'Big Brother House this is Davina. You are live on Channel 4 please do not swear apart from you Pete because that's not swearing it's a syndrome.' But you have to admit that it is eye-opening to discover quite how stupid real people are. I don't have enough stupid friends. Going to rectify that.
How?
Good question. I guess I could just recalibrate my existing friends as stupid and see them from a different point of view.
Think that'll work? You have few enough friends as it is.
True. Maybe I'll just go and watch the World Cup in the Cask and Bottle.
Much better plan. Stupidity can run free down there. So how are you?
Nothing gets by you does it?
I said, nothing... oh I get it, you'll stay quiet until I respond now. I'm fine. I'm going to get something to eat now.
Open the door BB. I'm really fine. Open the door. I have no more to say. Open the door.
St. Last night at 10.45 p.m. you said... How did you do that? Come back. You can't open that door by yourself it's not possible. St. St
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Big Blogger
BB. Long time no pester. How you doing?
You know the form.
I thought I'd stand on ceremony for a bit. Courtesy never hurts.
You seem to find it easier to be courtous to figments of your imagination than real people.
There are real people?
Sort of. Less false, certainly.
Who you calling false?
You. You have so many masks you don't know who you are anymore.
Ouch.
Did I hurt your feelings.
No, I've got some rheumatism in my mouse finger.
Stop hiding behind humour.
Who else invents a character to give them a beating?
Does it matter?
OK. OK. Soul baring time; it seems the only way to get rid of you. I have had a hard time trying to write coherently over the last few weeks on any of my own projects, yet have found it quite easy to write on spiritual matters. I feel a tentative yanking back towards the idea of pastoral work.
Tentative yanking. Great name for a band.
Stop hiding behind humour and daignose me. You haven't thought of a punchline to the disabled dyslexic genealogist joke yet have you?
There's something there about falling out of a family tree. Needs work on the dyslexic bit.
You know the form.
I thought I'd stand on ceremony for a bit. Courtesy never hurts.
You seem to find it easier to be courtous to figments of your imagination than real people.
There are real people?
Sort of. Less false, certainly.
Who you calling false?
You. You have so many masks you don't know who you are anymore.
Ouch.
Did I hurt your feelings.
No, I've got some rheumatism in my mouse finger.
Stop hiding behind humour.
Who else invents a character to give them a beating?
Does it matter?
OK. OK. Soul baring time; it seems the only way to get rid of you. I have had a hard time trying to write coherently over the last few weeks on any of my own projects, yet have found it quite easy to write on spiritual matters. I feel a tentative yanking back towards the idea of pastoral work.
Tentative yanking. Great name for a band.
Stop hiding behind humour and daignose me. You haven't thought of a punchline to the disabled dyslexic genealogist joke yet have you?
There's something there about falling out of a family tree. Needs work on the dyslexic bit.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Big Blogger
9.35 a.m. and St enters the diary room.
Hello St. How are you today?
Glad you asked. I need a few probing questions to help me work out how I am. 'OK' will just not cut it as an answer.
So, how are you?
OK.
Meaning?
Meaning survival is the lowest form of life but I'm surviving.
What are you up to?
Not a lot frankly. Having one of those patches where writing isn't easy and so whilst I know I need and ought to be getting on with some writing for pleasure (and possible publication) I seem a bit stuck.
Change of scenery?
Thanks that's nice. Where's my computer?
What's wrong with a pen?
You're not helping.
Well you came in here; I didn't call for you.
Sorry. I'll go.
Later perhaps. When you've had some food, watched last night's football, said goodbye to the wardrobe and had a shower.
Can I do all that before trying to write?
I'd prescribe it St. You are still coming down off one. You need all your bits to land, not just your body.
Cheers.
Hello St. How are you today?
Glad you asked. I need a few probing questions to help me work out how I am. 'OK' will just not cut it as an answer.
So, how are you?
OK.
Meaning?
Meaning survival is the lowest form of life but I'm surviving.
What are you up to?
Not a lot frankly. Having one of those patches where writing isn't easy and so whilst I know I need and ought to be getting on with some writing for pleasure (and possible publication) I seem a bit stuck.
Change of scenery?
Thanks that's nice. Where's my computer?
What's wrong with a pen?
You're not helping.
Well you came in here; I didn't call for you.
Sorry. I'll go.
Later perhaps. When you've had some food, watched last night's football, said goodbye to the wardrobe and had a shower.
Can I do all that before trying to write?
I'd prescribe it St. You are still coming down off one. You need all your bits to land, not just your body.
Cheers.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Big Blogger
5.50 p.m. and St enters the diary room.
Hello St. How are you today?
I'm fine thanks BB, did you know I've got eight weeks off work for good behaviour?
Will anyone notice?
Probably not. I've not left town so I've had chats today with Alan, Suzanne (congratulations Grandma and welcome to Barnaby), Naomi (plus Isaac and Jasmin), Jo and Ceri.
Wow. That's more work than you normally do.
I know. Perversely I seem to be able to work as a displacement activity from sabbatical leave.
Did you manage to ...
...complete my tax return. Yes. How cool is that? Eight days early.
You mean eight days before the absolute deadline and you get fined £100. I'd call that eight months late personally.
You are pedantic.
How are you feeling career wise?
Ah, I wondered why you called me in.
And?
Well as you know I feel that two part-time jobs is pretty much unsustainable now. After three years the church work has encroached on my writing work and made it difficult to keep two days a week free for that. As a result I need to decide over the next eight weeks which of my two part-time jobs I want to do ful-time.
Ful-time?
Yeah it's playing havoc with my typing too.
Not a writer but a typer.
That's not original and you know it.
What about full-time clergying?
Well I decided to push that door a bit and see if anyone wanted to give me a job and I've got an interview this week to pursue a possibility not too far away.
Blimey. You a vicar?
Rector actually.
What's the difference?
Little in practical terms, but once upon a time the Rector was the one who got the bigger tythes of the produce of the glebe than the Vicar. In team ministries they tend to call the senior clergy person Team Rector.
Come again. Or do you mean Team Wrecker?
The church land (glebe) had crops. Farmers rented it and paid a tythe (tax) of the first part of the crop to the clergy.
And they'd make someone like you senior?
I haven't even been interviewed yet.
Yeah no but you'll be thinking your way into it.
Yeah no?
Sorry. I was in a shop and an assistant said, 'Are you OK there or do you need help?' The only answer is, 'Yeah (I'm OK) no (so I don't need help)'. People force you into the yeah no position even if you despise it. It's the questioner's fault.
You sound pretty uptight about it for someone who doesn't exist.
I am.
Let me take you for a coffee. We could go along to Fight Club afterwards.
Thanks. I'd like that. Now about that Wrecked Tory...
Rectory. It's a box. 1980s. Horrid. Not that I've seen it yet.
Two lattes please.
So you've thought your way into it?
I wondered if you'd noticed I said that.
I notice. It' s my job.
Thanks. You're a good mate you.
Hello St. How are you today?
I'm fine thanks BB, did you know I've got eight weeks off work for good behaviour?
Will anyone notice?
Probably not. I've not left town so I've had chats today with Alan, Suzanne (congratulations Grandma and welcome to Barnaby), Naomi (plus Isaac and Jasmin), Jo and Ceri.
Wow. That's more work than you normally do.
I know. Perversely I seem to be able to work as a displacement activity from sabbatical leave.
Did you manage to ...
...complete my tax return. Yes. How cool is that? Eight days early.
You mean eight days before the absolute deadline and you get fined £100. I'd call that eight months late personally.
You are pedantic.
How are you feeling career wise?
Ah, I wondered why you called me in.
And?
Well as you know I feel that two part-time jobs is pretty much unsustainable now. After three years the church work has encroached on my writing work and made it difficult to keep two days a week free for that. As a result I need to decide over the next eight weeks which of my two part-time jobs I want to do ful-time.
Ful-time?
Yeah it's playing havoc with my typing too.
Not a writer but a typer.
That's not original and you know it.
What about full-time clergying?
Well I decided to push that door a bit and see if anyone wanted to give me a job and I've got an interview this week to pursue a possibility not too far away.
Blimey. You a vicar?
Rector actually.
What's the difference?
Little in practical terms, but once upon a time the Rector was the one who got the bigger tythes of the produce of the glebe than the Vicar. In team ministries they tend to call the senior clergy person Team Rector.
Come again. Or do you mean Team Wrecker?
The church land (glebe) had crops. Farmers rented it and paid a tythe (tax) of the first part of the crop to the clergy.
And they'd make someone like you senior?
I haven't even been interviewed yet.
Yeah no but you'll be thinking your way into it.
Yeah no?
Sorry. I was in a shop and an assistant said, 'Are you OK there or do you need help?' The only answer is, 'Yeah (I'm OK) no (so I don't need help)'. People force you into the yeah no position even if you despise it. It's the questioner's fault.
You sound pretty uptight about it for someone who doesn't exist.
I am.
Let me take you for a coffee. We could go along to Fight Club afterwards.
Thanks. I'd like that. Now about that Wrecked Tory...
Rectory. It's a box. 1980s. Horrid. Not that I've seen it yet.
Two lattes please.
So you've thought your way into it?
I wondered if you'd noticed I said that.
I notice. It' s my job.
Thanks. You're a good mate you.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Wednesday
FADE IN
CUT TO:
INT. DAY. HOUSE IN LEAMINGTON:
ME (V/O)
I'm sorry I have a cold.
CUT TO:
TRACKING WASTE PAPER BINS IN EVERY ROOM, EACH FULL OF PAPER TISSUES. TRAIL OF TISSUES FROM ONE BIN TO THE NEXT.
(V/O CONT.)
I have a lot of things to do and I have a cold.
CUT TO:
ME (MALE, WHITE, 50ISH) IN BED, SURROUNDED BY PAPER TISSUES, READING ROB LONG'S SET UP JOKE, SET UP JOKE AND CHUCKLING
(V/O CONT.)
I don't know what to do. I am enjoying having a cold now. When is the right time to return to civilisation and breathe on people? When should I rearrange the appointments with people I let down yesteday? When shall I shop for my wife's birthday tomorrow and can I do that and still be off sick? Where are my clothes?
TRACKING PACKAGING OF NEW WARDROBES AND CABINETS, PILES OF CLOTHES IN EVERY ROOM, OLD BROKEN WARDROBE AND CHEST OF DRAWERS IN FRONT ROOM
(V/O CONT.)
Days like this take me out of my comfort zone, (pause) days with things to do.
TRACKING ME GETTING OUT OF BED AND WANDERING FROM ROOM TO ROOM, HALF-HEARTEDLY PICKING UP CLOTHES AND TISSUES. STOPPING TO COUGH.
(V/O CONT)
Writer? Vicar? Writer? Vicar? Writer? Vicar?
F/X DOORBELL
CUT TO: FRONT DOOR. INT.
DELIVERY PERSON
Sign here please.
CUT TO: FRONT ROOM. DAY. ME IS OPENING HUGE PARCEL. A PERSON GETS OUT, DRESSED ENTIRELY IN WHITE, HOLDING A CLIP BOARD.
ME
Sorry did I order a white middle class stereotype?
ANGEL
No. I am Gratis. I am your conscience. You are faulty goods. You never had a conscience fitted. No-one can see me but it's too late to be fitted internally. I will accompany you for the rest of your life. I'll be handy. You watch. Clear up those tissues and put them in the dustbin. (He ticks clipboard with pen).
CUT TO
ME, GULPING DOWN BREAKFAST AND RUNNING TO CHURCH MEETING.
FADE OUT
CUT TO:
INT. DAY. HOUSE IN LEAMINGTON:
ME (V/O)
I'm sorry I have a cold.
CUT TO:
TRACKING WASTE PAPER BINS IN EVERY ROOM, EACH FULL OF PAPER TISSUES. TRAIL OF TISSUES FROM ONE BIN TO THE NEXT.
(V/O CONT.)
I have a lot of things to do and I have a cold.
CUT TO:
ME (MALE, WHITE, 50ISH) IN BED, SURROUNDED BY PAPER TISSUES, READING ROB LONG'S SET UP JOKE, SET UP JOKE AND CHUCKLING
(V/O CONT.)
I don't know what to do. I am enjoying having a cold now. When is the right time to return to civilisation and breathe on people? When should I rearrange the appointments with people I let down yesteday? When shall I shop for my wife's birthday tomorrow and can I do that and still be off sick? Where are my clothes?
TRACKING PACKAGING OF NEW WARDROBES AND CABINETS, PILES OF CLOTHES IN EVERY ROOM, OLD BROKEN WARDROBE AND CHEST OF DRAWERS IN FRONT ROOM
(V/O CONT.)
Days like this take me out of my comfort zone, (pause) days with things to do.
TRACKING ME GETTING OUT OF BED AND WANDERING FROM ROOM TO ROOM, HALF-HEARTEDLY PICKING UP CLOTHES AND TISSUES. STOPPING TO COUGH.
(V/O CONT)
Writer? Vicar? Writer? Vicar? Writer? Vicar?
F/X DOORBELL
CUT TO: FRONT DOOR. INT.
DELIVERY PERSON
Sign here please.
CUT TO: FRONT ROOM. DAY. ME IS OPENING HUGE PARCEL. A PERSON GETS OUT, DRESSED ENTIRELY IN WHITE, HOLDING A CLIP BOARD.
ME
Sorry did I order a white middle class stereotype?
ANGEL
No. I am Gratis. I am your conscience. You are faulty goods. You never had a conscience fitted. No-one can see me but it's too late to be fitted internally. I will accompany you for the rest of your life. I'll be handy. You watch. Clear up those tissues and put them in the dustbin. (He ticks clipboard with pen).
CUT TO
ME, GULPING DOWN BREAKFAST AND RUNNING TO CHURCH MEETING.
FADE OUT
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Big Blogger
Hello BB how are you?
You rang master.
Yes BB. How come I feel guilty paying others to do jobs I don't want to do?
You want me to go into your psyche again. I'ts horrible in there.
Oh go on.
£50 an hour.
How much?
It's cheaper than the gardeners.
There's three of them.
Special deal. Half-price for the first hour.
OK then.
(BB disappears)
BB?
BB?
Sorry. It's rough in here. Found an emotional coupling rupture.
A what?
We call them ECRs.
And?
You have a dependency circuit connected to a coping mechanism. Everytime you pay someone to do something you can't do it normally over-rides. Yours isn't.
Is it swertious?
Is it what?
Swertious. It's like serious only typed quicker.
I've told you about that.
I know. But is it?
Well it means that not only will you feel guilty when you pay someone to do something. You'll also feel guilty when you ask someone to do it unless they are a friend who has an automatic over-ride. I'll disconnect.
Hey, the guilt's gone.
Excellent. By the way there are a lot of other emotional circuits that have been disconnected. Shall I put them back while I'm down here?
(Screams) No! Get out. Cheque please.
You rang master.
Yes BB. How come I feel guilty paying others to do jobs I don't want to do?
You want me to go into your psyche again. I'ts horrible in there.
Oh go on.
£50 an hour.
How much?
It's cheaper than the gardeners.
There's three of them.
Special deal. Half-price for the first hour.
OK then.
(BB disappears)
BB?
BB?
Sorry. It's rough in here. Found an emotional coupling rupture.
A what?
We call them ECRs.
And?
You have a dependency circuit connected to a coping mechanism. Everytime you pay someone to do something you can't do it normally over-rides. Yours isn't.
Is it swertious?
Is it what?
Swertious. It's like serious only typed quicker.
I've told you about that.
I know. But is it?
Well it means that not only will you feel guilty when you pay someone to do something. You'll also feel guilty when you ask someone to do it unless they are a friend who has an automatic over-ride. I'll disconnect.
Hey, the guilt's gone.
Excellent. By the way there are a lot of other emotional circuits that have been disconnected. Shall I put them back while I'm down here?
(Screams) No! Get out. Cheque please.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
BB
It is 7.55 a.m. and St enters the dairy room.
Hello BB what is that cow doing there?
You came into the dairy room by mistake. You need the diary room next door. And don't be so clever clever about writing your misprints into the script. Just correct them like grown-ups do.
Ooooh get you (lifts imaginary handbag to chin).
So what has today in store?
Today is a pre-advent quiet morning wth my colleagues on the St Paul's staff. We are going to a retreat house a few miles away to read and think and pray.
What are you going to read?
You knew that was bothering me didn't you? I've got the next two chapters of A New Kind of Christian to read again. I might look at a philosophical problem in 'The Pig that Wants to be Eaten' and I might read a few chapters of 'The Authentic Gospel of Jesus' by Vermes.
Are you going to be quiet?
Not if you keep asking me questions.
While you are away?
Some days I am and some I aren't. We'll see. I like to be the centre of attention without anyone noticing.
Is that one of your philosophical problems?
No.
Anyway I meant are you going to spend any time just listening for the voice of the one who made you.
Would the Bible help here?
Traditionally yes, but there might be a still small voice whispering.
Tell it to speak up I'm getting a bit mutton.
I think it's telling you that most of the problems in your life would be sorted if you were more willing to make telephone calls.
How deliciously random.
Think about it.
So I woke up this morning, sat down at the computer and gave myself a tough time being grilled by an imaginary friend.
That's about the breadth of it.
Not normal is it?
Not in my experience, but then I'm only your imaginary friend, no-one else's. There isn't a place where imaginary friends go to compare notes and exchange training tips.
Ought to be.
Perhaps it's a story line.
Nice one. Thanks.
Hello BB what is that cow doing there?
You came into the dairy room by mistake. You need the diary room next door. And don't be so clever clever about writing your misprints into the script. Just correct them like grown-ups do.
Ooooh get you (lifts imaginary handbag to chin).
So what has today in store?
Today is a pre-advent quiet morning wth my colleagues on the St Paul's staff. We are going to a retreat house a few miles away to read and think and pray.
What are you going to read?
You knew that was bothering me didn't you? I've got the next two chapters of A New Kind of Christian to read again. I might look at a philosophical problem in 'The Pig that Wants to be Eaten' and I might read a few chapters of 'The Authentic Gospel of Jesus' by Vermes.
Are you going to be quiet?
Not if you keep asking me questions.
While you are away?
Some days I am and some I aren't. We'll see. I like to be the centre of attention without anyone noticing.
Is that one of your philosophical problems?
No.
Anyway I meant are you going to spend any time just listening for the voice of the one who made you.
Would the Bible help here?
Traditionally yes, but there might be a still small voice whispering.
Tell it to speak up I'm getting a bit mutton.
I think it's telling you that most of the problems in your life would be sorted if you were more willing to make telephone calls.
How deliciously random.
Think about it.
So I woke up this morning, sat down at the computer and gave myself a tough time being grilled by an imaginary friend.
That's about the breadth of it.
Not normal is it?
Not in my experience, but then I'm only your imaginary friend, no-one else's. There isn't a place where imaginary friends go to compare notes and exchange training tips.
Ought to be.
Perhaps it's a story line.
Nice one. Thanks.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Big Blogger
Morning St. Well?
Well what?
Are you well?
Fine thanks BB. Yourself?
Don't play that game. I don't exist and you know it. This is just an emotional check-up.
In that case everything is OK enough. Got over the sons leaving home stuff and trying to do a bit of taking stock. It would be a good time to move into a smaller house or flat, move on, apply for a ridiculous job that is clearly beyond me, push the barriers of writing a bit and do it full-time or just try and have a few months of the new normality. Might do all or none of the above.
New Kind of Christian?
Not that I can own up to.
Does it ever cross your mind that you could get in trouble for what you blog?
Well I try to avoid libel.
Yes but you hint at baring your soul from time to time then leave your vest on.
I don't really have a soul to speak of. Heart, guts, brains all present and correct, but I am pretty soulless if the truth be told.
Does that mean anything?
Not really. It's sort of words. Do you remember when Prince Charles got in trouble for responding to the question 'Are you in love?' with '...whatever being 'in love' means?'
Yes.
I thought he was being a tosser at the time but now I get him. Still shouldn't have said it but we somehow have to conform to a standard of emotional life that means everyone can see how we function and what we are like. If people ask me how I'm feeling I make something up to keep them happy. I genuinely don't know.
So if I asked you to take your vest off.
If you insist.
Now what's there?
Tell me what you can see?
A bit of pent-up anger and the desire to hit a few people along with the wish you'd had more experience at hitting people. The desire to tell a few people you are fed up with them and the fear that they will stop liking you if you say so. The feeling that you've not really done as much with your life as you would have liked to for which there is probably a 27 syllable German word. Genuine warmth of personality that likes helping people to have happier lives. Annoyance that most people don't give life enough thought.
Wow. You can see all that?
How did I do?
Rubbish. I just want more money.
Oh I saw that; the vest was made of it.
And to play in a great band.
Put it on the things to do list and learn the difference between emotion and ambition.
Yourorroityou.
Ta.
Well what?
Are you well?
Fine thanks BB. Yourself?
Don't play that game. I don't exist and you know it. This is just an emotional check-up.
In that case everything is OK enough. Got over the sons leaving home stuff and trying to do a bit of taking stock. It would be a good time to move into a smaller house or flat, move on, apply for a ridiculous job that is clearly beyond me, push the barriers of writing a bit and do it full-time or just try and have a few months of the new normality. Might do all or none of the above.
New Kind of Christian?
Not that I can own up to.
Does it ever cross your mind that you could get in trouble for what you blog?
Well I try to avoid libel.
Yes but you hint at baring your soul from time to time then leave your vest on.
I don't really have a soul to speak of. Heart, guts, brains all present and correct, but I am pretty soulless if the truth be told.
Does that mean anything?
Not really. It's sort of words. Do you remember when Prince Charles got in trouble for responding to the question 'Are you in love?' with '...whatever being 'in love' means?'
Yes.
I thought he was being a tosser at the time but now I get him. Still shouldn't have said it but we somehow have to conform to a standard of emotional life that means everyone can see how we function and what we are like. If people ask me how I'm feeling I make something up to keep them happy. I genuinely don't know.
So if I asked you to take your vest off.
If you insist.
Now what's there?
Tell me what you can see?
A bit of pent-up anger and the desire to hit a few people along with the wish you'd had more experience at hitting people. The desire to tell a few people you are fed up with them and the fear that they will stop liking you if you say so. The feeling that you've not really done as much with your life as you would have liked to for which there is probably a 27 syllable German word. Genuine warmth of personality that likes helping people to have happier lives. Annoyance that most people don't give life enough thought.
Wow. You can see all that?
How did I do?
Rubbish. I just want more money.
Oh I saw that; the vest was made of it.
And to play in a great band.
Put it on the things to do list and learn the difference between emotion and ambition.
Yourorroityou.
Ta.
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