Rape is rape. The rapist is to blame. Don't blame the victim.
I became embroiled, although I probably embroiled myself, in a conversation about rape. The only question I wanted to ask was whether those advocating that victim blaming should stop - discussions about rape, they allege, almost always end in blaming the victim - felt that there were steps people ought to take to minimise the possibility of the crime of rape.
Rape is rape. The rapist is to blame. Don't blame the victim.
I don't feel that the emotive nature of the subject led to a sensible discussion. But I did feel that those women who took part wanted, in effect, to say that any conversation about taking steps to minimise the possibility of rape is victim blaming. They may be right. I don't know.
Rape is rape. The rapist is to blame. Don't blame the victim.
It feels as if the only possible contribution to this discussion as a man is to keep repeating:
Rape is rape. The rapist is to blame. Don't blame the victim.
With the possible addition of 'Men, don't commit rape.'
Is that true? Don't get me wrong. I don't buy the argument that any behaviour by a woman contributes to the crime. No, is no. Whenever delivered. Stop means stop. Go away means go away. I get that.
Rape is rape. The rapist is to blame. Don't blame the victim.
But is it possible to have a sensible conversation about steps people ought to take to minimise the possibility of the crime of rape without being accused of victim blaming? It feels like it isn't.
We are getting to a dangerous state in our public life. It is not easy to have a realistic discussion about drugs unless you denounce them every other sentence. You are seen as a dangerous liberal. Likewise after any tragedy you'd better start your response with a statement of condolence for the victims, even if that means we have to waste half our discussion time with a repeated message of sympathy from every contributor.
Is it not possible to take it as read that I condemn rape and rapists, want to ensure the safest possible life given the presence of drugs and offer my condolence and respect to victims and sufferers without having to repeat these things as a mantra every time I open my mouth?
I am probably, although hopefully accidentally, racist, sexist and just about every other 'ist going. Might you help me by having a conversation with me without immediately condemning me? Fact is that saying 'Don't commit crime' hasn't really worked out. It doesn't mean you should commit crime but can we have a chat about it without the opprobrium that often hangs around?
Rape is rape. The rapist is to blame. Don't blame the victim.
I drafted this a few days ago but have just heard a talk in which Timothy Radcliffe said, of leadership, that '...if you never do anything that can be misunderstood you will never do anything remotely interesting.'
Being misunderstood recently has been very hard to bear, but it seems that is the tax to be paid on being involved in the world rather than seeing it as spectator sport.
Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Rape is rape; the rapist is the problem not the victim
Publicity for the new campaign, that the rapist is always responsible and to blame for a rape, was widespread today. I agree with it utterly and wholeheartedly but wondered if, notwithstanding this, there was any discussion to be had about taking steps to minimise risks.
The Twitter discussion which followed, which I set out below, is one from which I have now withdrawn as I feel I may accidentally say something which will cost me my job or jeopardise my ability to do it well.
Some of the comments really hurt but I'm vulnerable and open to feedback on the correspondence. I learn best if disagreements are phrased gently and on the basis that I am trying to learn, not that I would dream of telling anyone how to comment:
8.16
@EyeEdinburgh @bbcrb absolutely agree. But is there never wisdom in taking action to keep yourself safe?
8.29
@s1eve @bbcrb Unfortunately, there is no reasonable action a woman can take to ensure she is never in the presence of a rapist.
@s1eve @bbcrb You see, while perhaps only one in twenty men are rapists, rapist men look exactly like other non-rapist men. #rapeculture
@EyeEdinburgh @s1eve @bbcrb so, I assume we should close all banks because they’re just begging to be robbed…
@sarahluv81 @s1eve @bbcrb this is the key. Women trust men who believe this shît, so it’s the MEN’S attitude that has to change
@s1eve @EyeEdinburgh @bbcrb unfortunately, there is no magic solution to that. Never leave home? Rapes happen there too.
@EyeEdinburgh @bbcrb this is all very helpful. Thank you. Is there any 'reasonable' action a woman can take to minimise the danger?
@s1eve @bbcrb Sure. Tell men like you to stop talking as if women are to blame for being raped. That's reasonable, isn't it? #rapeculture
@s1eve @bbcrb The unreasonable action that every woman knows about it that we assume every man is a potential rapist. http://kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger%E2%80%99s-rapist-or-a-guy%E2%80%99s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/ …
@s1eve I accept you didn't mean it, but talking as if it were up to us to avoid"risk of rape"not men to avoid being rapists is victimblaming
The Twitter discussion which followed, which I set out below, is one from which I have now withdrawn as I feel I may accidentally say something which will cost me my job or jeopardise my ability to do it well.
Some of the comments really hurt but I'm vulnerable and open to feedback on the correspondence. I learn best if disagreements are phrased gently and on the basis that I am trying to learn, not that I would dream of telling anyone how to comment:
7.02
Is a victim of rape ever to blame for being attacked? Posters put up around Bristol from today say they're not. pic.twitter.com/z3zhaKGl94
7.42
If you leave your car unlocked and an iPad is stolen from the back seat the theft is not your fault but you could have prevented it. @bbcrb
7.58
Women are not cars or iPads. Rape is a crime of violence, not theft. The attacker, not the attacked, is to blame. @s1eve @bbcrb #rapeculture
8.16
8.29
8.30
9.02
9.19
9.21
9.29
9.47
9.49
9.51
10.22
10.34
2.48
Put my head above the parapet of a #rapeculture discussion earlier. Very tough place to hang out given the subject but found it helpful.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Sex Post
This in response to Chris' comment on my Valentine Post.
The advantage human beings have over other animals is the separation of sexual pleasure and reproduction. No other species, as far as I am aware, uses safe sex as entertainment.
Nevertheless I am convinced sex belongs best within a committed, permanent relationship. I know not all my readers will hold this view. Going for extreme physical intimacy without emotional intimacy devalues sex. It is a life-uniting act and I feel is best kept special.
Christian educators will often teach that there should be no sex before marriage. They teach young people to wear 'True Love Waits' wrist bands and T-shirts. Then they mix up marriage and weddings. Culturally we have changed our attitude to marriage. The way society in our part of the world does marriage these days is to move in together. We have made weddings so expensive, that people commit, share homes, marry their goods and bank accounts, even have children and then save up for a wedding ceremony. Somewhere along the line the bonking commenced (before the children came along presumably).
So teaching a youth group about sex is good. A Christian perspective would be that it is special, life-giving, life-enhancing and more valuable if reserved for people who have comitted to each other for the long haul. It can wait for the wedding if you don't buy into the lie that the wedding must be expensive. Two friends of mine had a gloriously imaginative wedding last year using seasonal flowers, home made decorations and a bring and share meal. It cost about £16,000 less than Bride magazine recommended spending. Hooray.
Don't lose too much sleep over sex waiting for the wedding night. It might. Lose lots of sleep before giving away your virginity. It is a great marriage present.
Now what about intimate relationships between Christians and non-Christians? Again young people are terribly wounded by the 'Don't do this' approach to youth ministry. Help them discover truths. Ask, 'What might be the disadvantages of making a long-term relationship with someone whose fundamental world view is at odds to your own?' Then, 'What might be the advantages?' Let them work it out. Is it different to a Tory marrying a Socialist? Football lover marrying a sport-hater? If so, how?
I guess as an opening to any youth group series I would ask the young people, 'What issues would you like us to deal with?' This may be the trick you missed.
My own technique has always been to ask lots of questions and give many alternative answers to questions I am asked myself. As a follower of Jesus and a seeker after truth I am proud of that.
I would always introduce the Bible, with the guarded opening that we will find a very strange cultural world - a world where leaders should have only one wife but a different standard is acceptable for ordinary people (1 Timothy 3:2). A world where kings have 700 wives and 300 concubines and are still described as wise - the only problem for the Bible's authors is if those wives lead him astray to their foreign gods (1 Kings 11:1-6).
But it is a world where sex is precious and sexual immorality is hated. In Genesis 1 God declares loneliness as the first thing that is 'not good'. Having partnered up man and woman (it's a story remember not history) he then says, 'Have lots of sex.' That is what 'Be fruitful and multiply' means. Everything else the Bible says about sex is attached to a warning or a negative. Sexual immorality is never clearly defined in the Bible so we run the risk of defining it as 'sexual practices we don't like'.
Good resources? Well I contributed a chapter to Sex and the Cynics for Damaris last year. Buy it here.
It is about the best thing I've been involved in and looks at the way sex is portrayed in the movies and the media. It makes you think really hard.
The advantage human beings have over other animals is the separation of sexual pleasure and reproduction. No other species, as far as I am aware, uses safe sex as entertainment.
Nevertheless I am convinced sex belongs best within a committed, permanent relationship. I know not all my readers will hold this view. Going for extreme physical intimacy without emotional intimacy devalues sex. It is a life-uniting act and I feel is best kept special.
Christian educators will often teach that there should be no sex before marriage. They teach young people to wear 'True Love Waits' wrist bands and T-shirts. Then they mix up marriage and weddings. Culturally we have changed our attitude to marriage. The way society in our part of the world does marriage these days is to move in together. We have made weddings so expensive, that people commit, share homes, marry their goods and bank accounts, even have children and then save up for a wedding ceremony. Somewhere along the line the bonking commenced (before the children came along presumably).
So teaching a youth group about sex is good. A Christian perspective would be that it is special, life-giving, life-enhancing and more valuable if reserved for people who have comitted to each other for the long haul. It can wait for the wedding if you don't buy into the lie that the wedding must be expensive. Two friends of mine had a gloriously imaginative wedding last year using seasonal flowers, home made decorations and a bring and share meal. It cost about £16,000 less than Bride magazine recommended spending. Hooray.
Don't lose too much sleep over sex waiting for the wedding night. It might. Lose lots of sleep before giving away your virginity. It is a great marriage present.
Now what about intimate relationships between Christians and non-Christians? Again young people are terribly wounded by the 'Don't do this' approach to youth ministry. Help them discover truths. Ask, 'What might be the disadvantages of making a long-term relationship with someone whose fundamental world view is at odds to your own?' Then, 'What might be the advantages?' Let them work it out. Is it different to a Tory marrying a Socialist? Football lover marrying a sport-hater? If so, how?
I guess as an opening to any youth group series I would ask the young people, 'What issues would you like us to deal with?' This may be the trick you missed.
My own technique has always been to ask lots of questions and give many alternative answers to questions I am asked myself. As a follower of Jesus and a seeker after truth I am proud of that.
I would always introduce the Bible, with the guarded opening that we will find a very strange cultural world - a world where leaders should have only one wife but a different standard is acceptable for ordinary people (1 Timothy 3:2). A world where kings have 700 wives and 300 concubines and are still described as wise - the only problem for the Bible's authors is if those wives lead him astray to their foreign gods (1 Kings 11:1-6).
But it is a world where sex is precious and sexual immorality is hated. In Genesis 1 God declares loneliness as the first thing that is 'not good'. Having partnered up man and woman (it's a story remember not history) he then says, 'Have lots of sex.' That is what 'Be fruitful and multiply' means. Everything else the Bible says about sex is attached to a warning or a negative. Sexual immorality is never clearly defined in the Bible so we run the risk of defining it as 'sexual practices we don't like'.
Good resources? Well I contributed a chapter to Sex and the Cynics for Damaris last year. Buy it here.
It is about the best thing I've been involved in and looks at the way sex is portrayed in the movies and the media. It makes you think really hard.
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