Signs 2

Observing the strap-lines on large lorries has become a bit of a hobby of late (see previous post). What would once have been a Fowler chilled van is now:

temperature controlled distribution

I felt confident that Eddie Stobart's fleet, kings of truckers with girl names on the front of their rigs, would claim no such nonsense but was devastatingly disappointed to pass one of their vehicles on Saturday. It proudly proclaimed:

trans store logistics

No-one is a delivery driver any more.

Soon window cleaners vans will be offering:

on-site transparent wall cleansing solutions

And the Fire Brigade:

domestic and industrial combustion calming

I used to be a vicar. Now I wonder if people would rather have:

eternity logistics and solutions

Well it's a thought.

Signs

If you were to put three words on the side of your van what would they be? I know you haven't got a van, stupid. Take an imaginary trip.

Thing is, I bet that after a bit of work you'd have only those words remaining that were really worth keeping. They'd say a lot about you. Even the words you jettisoned to get, say, six down to four, would be interesting.

I passed a van on the M4 today. In fact I passed three vans from the same company, Downton. Of the three words on the side of their van, a strap line which you will find on their web site, I contend that two are unnecessary:

Real Distribution Solutions

One way to test a slogan is to see if the opposite is clearly stupid. If it is you don't need to say it. So:

Fake Distribution Solutions
Surreal Distribution Solutions
No Distribution Solutions

And as for 'solutions':

Downton - Really Solving Nothing
Downton - Not a Real Clue
Downton - No Real Answers for 55 Years

I rest my case.

I bet some creative types were involved in finalising the slogan. I used to do this for a living. I wish I was back in that line of work sometimes. People will pay good money for that level of stupidity.

May I suggest:

Downton Distribution

Alliterative, simple and memorable.

There will be no charge.

Unless, of course, it was only one van and it kept jumping beyond me at light speed. Now that would be a solution.

Advertising Error?

We bought some new Bibles for our church young people and children. Found a good deal on Amazon and I opened the box today. Here, unedited, is the full selection of advertising offers Amazon felt would appeal to a person who ordered twenty children's Bibles:

1. 14 days free subscription to Love Film.
2. 15% off at Homebase.
3. £40 voucher to use against a Naked Wine order.
4. Save £40 at The Whisky Exchange.

Our ten year olds like nothing better than a few glasses of quality booze and a film after a hard day's DIY.

Annoying Adverts Part 412

Who can tell me what a standing order is?

Is it money that goes into your account?

You're nearly right.

Another bank/building society/financial institution showing us how down wid der kids they are in the world where wrong = nearly right. No idea which one it is and don't care.

Is it a good advert?

Yes.

You're nearly right.

Great Adverts

A few months ago I posted the really sad news that Mrs Mustard had proclaimed that hearing Mirrored by Battles in our house would be grounds for divorce. She has never, in 32 years used the D word before so boy she must dislike it some.

This same Mrs Mustard has regularly agreed with me that the Garrison Keillor voiced-over Honda adverts are just about the finest ever shown on television.

Well you know that new one? 'Everything we do is part of everything we do.' Guess what the backing track is? She has some thinking to do. I'll let you know.

Oh and 'Everything we do is part of everything we do' is a great team-work maxim by the way and may soon be replacing 'None of us is as smart as all of us' in my team-work training sessions. Not that I do many team-work training sessions these days. It's easier to model it than run a session.

But to intrigue you a bit, what team of twenty people has the main focus of its work in two or three nine second bursts, approximately fortnightly from March to November?

Annoying Adverts Part 343

In Leamington Spa the incredibly chummy, yet still dull, account handler at my local bank told me to call him Dave. He was David. No way was he a Dave.

I haven't thought about him much recently until the two guys in the current Nat West advert:

'What are you up to today?'
'I'm off to see a client.'

No. Really. Wouldn't a more interesting answer be:

'I'm off to pour sugar into the petrol tank of the the bloke who borrowed money for an engagement ring and then bought a car.'

I bet both say 'Call me Dave.' They can't be being played by actors but only Halifax can do the make-our-staff-famous-by-putting-them-in-the-ads thing.

Terrible, terrible stuff.

Annoying Adverts Part 327

The First World War song by Harry Cohen, Over There is part of the canon of its genre and soon will enjoy its centenary. I take you then to the production meeting of one of many agencies asked to pitch for the business of an internet insurance comparison web-site. In these meetings no idea is laughed out of the room. All are heard with respect.

'I know' says a school kid on placement, 'Let's get an Italian with a curly moustache flying over a restaurant singing Go Compare to the tune of Over There. Let's make sure he looks like a fat tenor and give him an obvious false moustache.'

Same kid didn't know the expression 'Thank your lucky stars' so the coda of the piece is same flying man crescendoing (sorry) 'You will thank your stars that you went to Go Compare.'

No, I don't know if that's how it happened, or how they got the business eventually. I used to work for a fine insurance company which gave its policy holders wonderful posters of eagles from around the world. How did it go so wrong? I blame Michael Winner.

Christmas Thoughts

We play a little game at this time of year, her and me. Sitting on the sofa watching commercial TV there is a point available for the first person to correctly identify a perfume advert. You have to shout 'fragrance' to win the point. Point off for a miscall. Don't listen to any of that rubbish about women being less competitive than men; I was in the kitchen making the supper the other day and heard the word 'fragrance' shouted from the lounge.

This is not quite as easy as it sounds. At first I constantly misidentified a hair products ad and more recently keep getting thrown by one for a particular vodka mixer (save the advert - only tonic works and not diet tonic).

There are other things I'm tempted to shout. When Dervla (and she does have a sexy voice I admit) says '...this is not just food' in her light porn com for M&S I want to shout out that it is. It's just food and it didn't do much better than any of the other supermarkets in a blind tasting reported in the Guardian on Monday.

And as for the hint that the true spirit of Christmas is epitomised by an Argos delivery. I want to cry that the true spirit of Christmas is epitomised by poverty, a census and the slaying of the first born - nothing personal Ben, looking forward to seeing you later.

For my sister the true spirit of Christmas is to get out of the country as far away as possible come Boxing Day. For my second born snowboarding in South Korea cuts the mustard.

So don't be fooled by hollow traditions. Don't even be fooled when the wise David Winter on thought for the day says the Christmas story is a mystery - this is theological speak for 'It's pretty damn deep and we don't know if it really happened.'

So have your self a merry little oh please sorry got carried away. Do what you do and do it sensibly. For everything else there's Mastercard - and don't get me started on them. First up against the wall.

Maybe we should shout 'con' when the adverts come on. We'd not need to have a competition. We'd simply shout it in unison every time. Good morning.

Annoying Adverts 3

Do you know the TV advert for the Nationwide? It features an overweight bank manager from an imaginary competitor who teases, lies and suggests that his rate of interest is like a piece of bait to reel in the customer. His picture is in the window of Nationwide branches.

It's annoying because it breaks the first rule of visual aids. Don't put up a picture of something you want to say is wrong. You end up reinforcing the negative image.

Your visual aids should add emphasis to the 5% of your presentation you want people to remember without fail.

Nationwide. They have fat managers who put fish-hooks through their customers' lips, don't they? Or did I remember it wrong?

Annoying Adverts 2

OK so borrowing 25 grand over the phone is possible these days, and the everywoman Geordie housewife on the phone to Picture seems to be able to manage her life, find her kid's bike and organise everything around her including an incompetent husband, whilst sorting out a loan. The really irritating thing though is the line, 'That's much less than we're paying at the moment.'

You don't get owt for nowt, as they say somewhere north of here. It's much less per month than she's paying at the moment because they just spread the payment over a longer period and tied her in to credit repayment for years.

We've been there, done that and tattered the tshirt. It is very annoying.

Annoying Adverts 1

I've meant to do a short series on this for a while now. Of course to some extent all adverts are annoying in that they pander to the idea on which our economy is built that we should all spend more money regardless. What about spending less money, having less money, working less hard and having more time for relationships? Sorry, digression.

But the first in the series is the one in which a teenager gets into his mother's car and continues concentrating on his game device. The conversation goes:

Mum. Hi Tom.
Tom. (No reaction)
Mum. Oh hi Mum, good day? Yes thank you Tom. I switched our car insurance (pause) online.

What we are meant to think is that the AA dudes, who are suited up and in the back of the car, are ever present to cope with our car insurance needs and save us money. What we end up thinking is:

What parent thinks their teens will be interested in car insurance?
Why are we supposed to be impressed that a forty year old woman did something online?
Why is a thirteen year old boy getting a lift home from school?
Who really still bases their caricatures of teens on Harry Enfield's Kevin and Perry these days?

For a short commercial to be annoying on four levels is really going some.

Tomorrow. The Geordie housewife who allegedly borrows 25 grand over the phone.