Football Headlines

I used to work with a colleague who, for a time, shared a surname with the England Football Manager. One of our joys, as kind-hearted and thoughtful colleagues, was to cut out particularly apposite newspaper headlines to adorn said colleague's desk. Let's call him Venables (it wasn't that one).

Disappointing nights provided the richest pickings:

VENABLES IN TROUBLE

INJURIES MOUNT UP FOR VENABLES

And my personal favourite:

VENABLES DOESN'T KNOW HIS BEST SIDE YET

You get the sort of thing. After several years in the job we had quite a scrapbook.

This thought came back to me at the weekend as I pondered the potential headlines a successful performance by Arsenal's Gabriel Jesus might elicit in the top-of-the-table clash with Manchester City on Easter Sunday.

We learned before kick off that City's John Stones was unavailable. What a joy it would have been to read:

JESUS TAKES ADVANTAGE OF MISSING STONES

Although the less-used bit of the name might have led to:

GABRIEL LEAVES A BIG MESSAGE

Maybe a few balls in from the wing could have prompted:

JESUS PUTS AWAY CROSSES

Or a mighty comeback:

JESUS LEADS GUNNERS BACK FROM THE DEAD

Or:

JESUS ALIVE TO BURY CITY

As it happened the only headlines were about a boring 0-0 draw. Which left my favourite footie headline of all time still unopposed. It concerned the night after the Mighty Celtic had been knocked out of the Scottish Cup by lowly Inverness Caledonian Thistle. The midnight duty sub-editor had either been saving this one for ages or it just came to them in a moment of genius:

SUPER CALEY GO BALLISTIC CELTIC ARE ATROCIOIUS

Marvellous

Football Quiz of the Year 2018

Slightly different format to the quiz this year. Goal-line technology has left studio guests unable to demonstrate their lack of grasp of parallax, leaving them only failure to understand the laws about the tackle from behind as a subject in which to announce their ignorance. But, up until the point that Curtis Davies appeared and started getting order in the right words, the punditry on televised football left the English language utterly manglamated (as a former secretary of mine once put it). So, can you match the mixed metaphor with the manager; the aberration to the expert? And yes, Stephen Warnock does appear twice. I could have used more.

1. 'The wheels fell off last year and they're kicking on.'

2. 'He scores goals and that's why he's a top goalscorer.'

3. 'He couldn't miss from there; he made it look easy.'

4. 'A great goal; he never fails to disappoint.'

5. 'That's the passion which transpires, I mean transcends, into the players.'

6. 'Clean sheet away to Brentford; it doesn't get better than that.'

7. '...behind the scenes he's steadied the ship.'

8. 'In this war of nutrition of the Championship.'

9. 'You can't underestimate how important...'

10. 'It's come to him quick; he's got a lot of time to think.' 

A. Lee Johnson

B. Chris Iwolumo

C. Dean Ashton

D. Stephen Warnock

E. Clinton Morrison

F. Stephen Warnock

G. Martin Keown

H. Mark Noble

I. Lee Dixon

J. Ian Holloway

RIP Cyrille

Many words have been written today about the sad, early death of footballer Cyrille Regis. I won't add much. My memory of seeing him play is of a man who saw football as a simple game. Push the ball past your opponent and then run faster than him. If he caught up with you don't fall over; make him do so.

He was one of the few players to command the respect of four local-rival Midlands teams - Wolves, West Brom, Coventry and Villa. Although I think us Baggies got the best years of his career.

My one anecdote that others may not know is this. About fifteen years ago Cyrille played in a charity match between a Coventry All-Stars team and Leamington FC. Our diminutive, but nippy full-back, nutmegged Cyrille and ran off down the wing.

Returning to his position Cyrille wandered over to little Johnny Burgess and said, 'You only get to do that once son, alright?'

For a polite and gentle giant it was said in the single most menacing way I have ever heard something that wasn't an actual threat issued at a game. Johnny did not do it again. I have no idea what would have happened if he had. It reminded me a little of a parent saying 'I'm going to count to three...' You never let them get there.

RIP Big Cyrille. Thanks for the memories.

Football Quiz of the Year 2017

This year's quiz is based on having spent too much time watching Football of Five:

1. 'If you get a touch (on the ball) it's a fair tackle.' How many years is it since Steve McLaren read the rules of football?

2. 'You've got to grasp the nettle before it stings you.' Would you trust Martin Keown on a field trip?

3. 'He's got some of the best feet I've ever seen.' How familiar is Clinton Morrison with anatomy?

4. 'His performance, until he left the field, was outstanding' (Micky Gray) Name some players who have made outstanding contributions having left the field.

5. 'It started 0-0; it could have gone either way.' How much would you pay Phil Brown for this?

6. '...and Matty Taylor wasn't going to miss from there.' Did Bristol City supporters share this commentator's optimism?

7. 'I feel this is an unobtainable lead.' Can you help Mark Bright describe a 4-2 lead with five minutes to go?

8. 'Give Hernandez service like that and he will score 99 times out of 100.' Is Chris Kamara watching the same games as us?

Finally, an essay question. Re-arrange theses clichés into a Chris Iwolumo analysis:

Must do better
Gotti hit the target
Little give and go
Great ball in
Outstanding
Everything is spot on
He'll be delighted with that
Can't happen
Can he get his shot away?
From the get go
Ticks all the boxes for me
They're on a fantastic run, they've just got to get back to winning ways
Showing great quality
What a finish
It's a big, massive game
I gotti say
Should be better
Always on the move
Just that little bit of quality

It Was Better Yesterday

I am still reading my way, very slowly, through Daniel Kahneman's Thinking Fast and Slow. Each chapter is so profound and informative that, if it wasn't for the annoying statistic that 60% of the population of the UK do not read one book a year, it should be compulsory reading for everyone. Notwithstanding the alleged beauty of democracy it does seem abundantly clear that smart people know more than thick ones.

Hoping to finish it this sabbatical. So here's the latest lesson.

Most of us know that we have a tendency to idealise the past. We recall the good and forget the bad. In massive general terms this leads to sentences such as 'It was better in the old days' even though people got rickets and polio, children died in infancy and there was a war on.

The Match of the Day and Football on Five pundits should all read it as a condition of their contracts. Put simply, they are lazy. Which is not as rude as it sounds because it means they are using System 1 thinking (in Kahneman terms) as it is easier than System 2 and we all do that.

So when they say 'A top striker has got to be putting that away' when a gaping goal is missed, they are fooled by highlights' packages. They have in their heads every goal of last week's top four tiers and those showed, time and again, strikers putting away simple chances. System 1 recalls that. What they do not have is ready head-access to the hours of footage of appalling football. System 2 would do the hard thinking necessary to find that. Highlights are highlights. Lowlights packages don't sell, although this was recently voted the worst twenty seconds of football ever and it is compelling.

So pundits recall many occasions when simple chances were taken and not the far more numerous occasions when they were not.

Someone who cares more than me, enough to do actual research, watched hours of football clips of top strikers recently and found that 'simple' chances were taken on less than half the occasions they presented themselves. Put simply, missing easy open goals is more likely than not.

If our history is told only as a series of 'good things' then we will look back on it more positively.

Thoughts on Leicester City

I have very little to go on save a few conversations and a brief highlight from one game, but that never usually stops me chucking my oar in so heads up.

Away in the Champions League last week Leicester City produced an outstanding away goal to give themselves a chance in a two-leg tie. The goal, scored on the break in their stylish counter-attacking way, involved a perfect Danny Drinkwater cross and a late-arriving Jamie Vardy putting it away. Cracking goal. Shortly after that their manager, who had led them to the Premiership title the previous season, was sacked.

The next match saw Leicester beat Liverpool 3-1. Vardy scored twice.

Some people pointed out that the sacking of the manager gave them something to prove. Well that worked then. We'll see if it continues so to do.

But I see something different. That Premiership-winning season showed us what can happen if a team has everything go like a dream. Since that can rarely be expected, Gary Lineker's offer to present Match of the Day in his pants was not one he thought he would have to keep.

All teams are trying to do what Leicester did. For few does it come right. In my judgement last season Leicester played teams in the right order. There is a right order and you want to play teams on a run of confidence-sapping defeats, with star players missing or with nothing to play for. Their team suffered minimal injuries. I reckon their defensive pairing of Morgan and Huth avoided a lot of deserved suspensions. Their style worked. Shots went in the corner of the goal rather than hitting the post.

Then they sold Kanté to Chelsea for £30m and couldn't re-invest it in anyone similar. Teams such as Leicester need to take £25m profit when they can get it. The big four will buy the players from the next ten teams, if they are vaguely any use, to keep themselves as  big four.

Chatting to fans I learn that the style was the same this year but it simply didn't work so well. Final passes were misplaced. Shots narrowly missed, were well saved or hit post or bar. A bad run sapped confidence. Players got injured. Huth and Morgan were a season older and slower.

In that away goal at Sevilla I saw the season turn. That was Leicester at their best. They would probably still have beaten Liverpool who are depressing right now.

In football details are everything. You have to expect that everyone is trying to do the big things right. The detail of that away goal should have put the Leicester owners on notice to keep faith with Claudio.

Leicester City aren't a great team any more. Last season they were a little above average and this season are average. They will finish mid-table. 

My own team, West Brom, are having a remarkably good season but eighth is our rightful place and seventh the dizzying heights of ambition.

Last season was a joy for football fans because it gave us all hope. Which is stupid. It shouldn't have. Normal service is resumed. Chelsea walking it. But the teams still in the Champions League haven't experienced a Leicester moment yet. I wonder?

Football Quiz of the Year 2016

An annual institution, not so much a quiz as a set of observations about the inadequacy of football punditry at all but the highest level. I resolve to pay less attention during Football on Five in future and, additionally, to mute the theme music. Attempt all questions:


1a. 'There was only one place that was going to end up.' Help this commentator by listing several places, other than the goal, star strikers have left the ball ending up.


1b. 'FA Cup 2nd round - it doesn't get any bigger than this.' Can you help the Halifax Chairman think bigger?'

2a. 'Sometimes in the Championship it's always going to happen.'

'January signings sometimes don't always work out.'

How certain was Adam Virgo of these particular eventualities?


2b. Likewise George Riley with 'Rarely a dull moment always applies to Leeds'.


3. Comment on the curse of the manager of the month award with special reference to the principle of regression to the mean. Name any pundit who would grasp this?


4. 'The light at the end of the tunnel is very strong but it is not gathering momentum.' Guess Phil Brown's physics GCSE result.


5. How many inches away must a defender be for an attacking header to be described as 'free'?


6. 'It's an audacity chip.' Can you spell the word Adam Virgo was reaching for?


7. Discuss West Bromwich Albion's ability to nurture psychologically well-balanced forwards with special reference to:


Peter Odemwingie

Nicolas Anelka

Saido Berahino


8a. 'He wants an end product on the end of things.' Where else might Michael Gray place that?




8b. Likewise, ''They are struggling for goals in front of goal.' Can you help Adam Virgo, identify other places this struggle might take place?




9. 'The robins are roaring once again.' (Football on 5 commentary) Should commentators on Bristol City brush up on their animal noises?




10. 'We've been knocking on the door and today we opened it.' Which side of the door was Justin Edinburgh?


Many thanks to the goal-line technology department for finally removing all questions about parallax from the paper.

Premiership Football and Coin-Tossing

A few years ago I played a whole Premiership season using a coin toss to decide games. The system was simple.

Heads = goal

I tossed a coin for each team and each match. I tossed until a tails came up then I stopped. The number of consecutive heads tossed was the amount of goals scored. This gave a spread of points at the end of the season which had nothing to do with skill and everything to do with luck.

The winning team had 67 points; bottom of the league 31. It would only have needed one slight change of luck, one more heads for the top team and one fewer for the bottom team and the range of points would have been a nice 30-70.

What do we learn? We learn that this season only Arsenal, with 71 points, and Leicester with 81 were better than an ordinary team with good luck might have performed. Arsenal marginally better; Leicester considerably.

Only Aston Villa, who were atrocious, were worse than an ordinary team with poor luck. Everyone else was unlucky (Norwich and Newcastle to be relegated) or lucky (Arsenal, Spurs and Man City to get in the top four). 4th to 8th, and 11th to 16th could have been much changed by a couple of offside or penalty decisions.

Leicester deserved to win; Villa deserved to go. The rest was inseparable from luck. And it explains why so many managers go on and on about referees' decisions. Because they are out of their control.

A few seasons back West Brom sacked a manager for poor results although at that point in the season the club had receieved two letters from referees apologising for mistakes; mistakes which would have led to a certain two, and possible four, more points. And a much more respectable league position.

Chelsea sacked a manger for not delivering the Champions League trophy when they lost the final on penalties and the last penalty hit the post.

Club owners make some terribly tough decisions based on luck. On the other hand who wouldn't want to employ a lucky manager?

Leicester fans enjoy your party. You absolutely deserve it. No-one else should rejoice. And Villa should despair and offer opponents a coin toss rather than playing the game for the next couple of seasons. Might work.

Football Quiz 2015

Not to be attempted, merely enjoyed:

1.a) When does 'early doors' end?

1b) After how many minutes must you stop saying a goal was scored 'after just (number) minutes'? 

2. How long will Michael Gray normally stay on subject when answering a question on Football League Tonight? Estimate to the nearest oh come on ref that was off.

3. In what month do you think Steve Evans will have his heart attack?

4. At home to Arsenal, West Brom had one shot on target and scored two goals. Assess this conversion rate giving due reverence to 'The Pulis Factor'.

5. Taking into account the length of time it took most pundits to grasp parallax how long, to the nearest never, do you think it will take them to understand the physics of 'the moment the ball is kicked'?

6. Discuss the advisability of sub-titles on football commentary with special reference to Doug Ellis wearing Hezbollah scarf.

7. 'She goes down far too easily'. To what extent must football commentators re-imagine their clichés when describing women's football?

8. 'Weebles wobble but they won't fall down.' Is this 1980s advertising slogan the best assessment of the usefulness of Ade Akinfenwa?

9. 'He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy. 'Discuss, with special reference to:

a) Saido Berahino.
b) Troy Deeney.
c) Andy Carroll.

10. Given climate change projections speculate on the most northerly ground at which Carlisle will be able to play their home games from 2020.

Chelsea 2 Leeds 1

Took the funerals of two enthusiastic football fans this week. On Monday Kev was sent off in his Chelsea kit. On Wednesday Malcolm, a fervent Leeds United supporter, took his leave.

Juxtaposing these two events this morning my mind went back to the 1970 FA Cup Final replay. I watched it with my Dad on a black and white TV. I had started watching the Cup Final on tele in 1964 and have watched almost all of them since. My memory of those first few is still pretty clear though.

In the Leeds Chelsea match Bobby Charlton was a studio guest and at half-time was discussing Leeds' goal scored by Mick Jones. Now Mick was what you might call an old-fashioned centre forward. Good in the air, led the line well and headed for goal in as straight a line as possible. My memory of his dribbling skill is that he simply went into a series of fifty-fifty tackles and won them until one-on-one with the goalkeeper. I may be doing him a disservice since I can remember one great run and cross in a later cup final. But I think he broke his arm in the same match.

Still, in 1970, he had hustled and bustled past several defenders and scored. Charlton said, 'He should have been fouled'.

Watching the footage of that match back it is clear that you would not have picked up a booking if you had slipped a flick-knife out of your sock and and severed an opponent's hamstring. It is also obvious that this would have only been a minor inconvenience to said defender who would have been back on the pitch stretching after a couple of wipes with an icy sponge had distracted him while the trainer tied a knot in it. The winning goal involved David Webb of Chelsea shouldering the ball and several other players into the net after a near-post flick on.

But at Charlton's comment my Dad let out a harrumph. He could harrumph for England, my Dad. He was also, by and large, a rugby man who thought football was inferior (but bless, he never told me that to my face and accompanied me to many matches).

A bit of the world changed then. If Bobby Charlton said an opponent should have been fouled... Gentleman Bobby, a footballer everybody, even rugby men, respected, had advocated cheating. Dad met my future father-in-law Ken in 1973 and he returned my Dad to rugby. Together they won the 1970s world harrumphing championships when Leicester beat Moseley at Twickenham with a late push-over try.

Forty-five years on the deliberate foul is part of the everyday game, cheating players take advantage of this and it is clearly all Bobby Charlton's fault.

RIP Malcolm and Kev. Thanks for the memory.

Football quiz of the year

Flex your own punditry muscles in this annual quiz.

1. 'He is well respected because he is a football man.' What is Neil Warnock on about?

2. Name any controversial, on-pitch incidents that Arsène Wenger saw last year.

3. Discus the anatomy of a footballer with special reference to:
A) Leaving your leg in.
B) Putting your head in.
C) Having an arm in an 'unnatural position'.

4. In a conversation between Lee Clark and Stephen Gerrard who would be bored first?

5. 'If you're not interfering with play what are you doing on the pitch?' In relation to the current offside law interpretation how fast is Brian Clough spinning in his grave?

6. Place in order of my nervousness:
A) West Brom one up in the ninetieth minute with three minutes of injury time to play.
B) West Brom two up after ten minutes.
C) Alan Irvine indicating he wishes to make a substitution.
D) Anyone except Saido Berahino stepping up to take a penalty.

7. 'It is the duty of all players to avoid being fouled if they can.' What would pundits make of this early clarification of the rules of the game?

8. Ashley Young is touched in the stomach. Indicate by use of diagrams the part of his body he will rub as he falls.

9 Recall a game in which Newcastle's Steven Taylor wasn't stupidly brave.

10. In which episode of The Football League Show did Steve Claridge avoid saying 'There's no doubt about that'?

What Would You Have Done?

I know you like these occasional little tales told against myself so here goes. Tell me if you would have done the same and if you would have noticed sooner.

Last night I returned home from the Standing Committee at about 10.15, poured myself a glass of wine at the end of a long first day back at work after holidays, and sat down to watch the end of the Germany vs Algeria game.

My lovely and generous wife, off to bed, changed the TV channels to the football (how cool is that?) and I observed that there were about 25 minutes left. The score was 0-0. It seemed end-to-end and exciting. The game was good, although it slowed a little, and the referee blew for what I thought was full time. The commentator said, 'Back to Adrian and the boys.'

I expected extra time but it became apparent that it was half-time not full-time. The boys were preparing to discuss the first half, after the inevitable ITV break.

During the advertisements I checked the kick-off time in my little, battered Guardian World Cup guide that I took to Gozo and back (sad eh?) and saw that the match had been due to start at 9 not 10. I wondered (are you there yet?) if some of the references to weather conditions I had vaguely picked up had led to a late start. Or maybe crowd trouble or transport problems

Then, about three adverts in, a blank screen with this message:

This content is not available on ITV+1. Please turn to ITV.

ITV+1. Oh bollocks.

After a short break the adverts continued then the panel came up and began to discuss the first half and it struck me. I had just watched the end of the first half on ITV+1, the channel my wife had accidentally tuned to. Her generosity and loveliness dipped a little.

Dilemma. The game is now over. I have missed the second half. But if it ended 0-0 I can save having to watch a dull second half and jump straight to extra time and maybe penalties. But if it has not ended 0-0 I'll have missed the possibility of watching the Germans lose.

I opted to keep watching +1, knowing that extra time would see me going to bed pretty late and penalties - well you know. Amazingly I had not looked at Twitter the whole time so decided I couldn't, obviously, do that either - even if the game was dull.

So that is why I am late with my homework for today's meeting, slept until 8.00 a.m. for the first time in a million years, and, apparently, can't type anymore.

Of course the Germans won. They woke up. Wish I could.

Hurdling the Keeper

I remember one of the types of goal I used to love watching in the 1970s. They were unusual, but happened occasionally. They pre-date the modern interpretation of offside which has made them rarer still. An offside trap was sprung giving a forward a free run through on goal - an offside trap that failed always left defenders with too much to do to catch up.

Clever players enticed the goalkeeper out, dropped a shoulder to commit him and then poked the ball past the other side, hurdled the keeper's outstretched legs and either slotted home, or took a touch to control and then did so.

It was one of the skills my friends and I tried to perfect in the playground and park.

See George Best doing it in the 1968 European Cup Final at http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=y39cuqE18jE

Notice, if you are quick, that he is just caught by the keeper as he goes past but keeps his balance to score.

So what would happen today? More often than not a forward, feeling the keeper's gentle caress oops I mean hard kick, would sense the opportunity to take a penalty against ten men and would fall to the turf. 'He has every right to go down there' comments Alan Shearer with his notorious grasp of human rights.

In every other walk of life the plaintiff has a common law duty to minimise his losses. So it should be a yellow card offence not simply to simulate but to choose to be the victim of a foul you could have avoided. We can't bring back the through-on-goal excitement but we can recover the lost art of hurdling a tackle.

Thought for the Day

As delivered at BBC Radio Bristol this morning. There are also photos on the Radio Bristol Facebook page of me wearing a cardigan, which is of interest to the show's fashion police and I am about to be interviewed about it. But the thought. Ah yes. It's this:

I watched a Liverpool home match once, in the late 1970s, from the Kop behind the goal at Anfield. It was a place of great excitement, humour and not a little danger. When Liverpool scored to take a 2-1 lead over Spurs I fell forward about ten yards in a massive crush. I was separated from all my friends. Yes, I remember standing at football matches.

Two of today's news stories are interesting when considered together. The return of safe standing to football grounds is being contemplated. The authorities are aware that something has been lost by way of atmosphere at many grounds following the all-seater legislation of the 1990s.

Why did we have standing areas? Amongst other reasons, it was a working class game and cheap viewing areas kept the spectacle within the pocket of the working person. It served the poor. Today's seated spectators were famously criticised by Roy Keane as 'the prawn sandwich brigade'.

But we also learn that a £10 million lottery grant is coming to Bristol, ear-marked for the support of the most vulnerable members of our community.

You may not agree with all the Christian claims about Jesus Christ. But you cannot read the Bible books of Matthew, Mark, Luke or John without seeing that he called for people to be judged on the way they treat the poorest. Outcasts. Lepers. Sinners. He went to these people first - and was criticised for so doing.

So whether it is the homeless, recovering addicts, the flooded-out, the victims of female genital mutilation or any other kind of problem - on this programme we are often flabbergasted by the triumphs of the successful - let us never forget the turmoil of the sufferer.

Mini Boing

West Brom may be the only team in the Premiership to have received two written apologies this year. The first was from Howard Webb for missing a foul in the game against Stoke which would have given us a penalty and maybe a win and not a draw. The second was from the referee against Chelsea for giving a penalty in the last minute leading to a Chelsea equaliser. The absence of this penalty, so close to the final whistle, would also have given us a win rather than a draw.

These four points would have pushed the Baggies up the league a few places and would have meant that the accusation raised against Steve Clarke, the manager we sacked just before Christmas, that we were under-performing, would not have looked so convincing. I know that our calendar year results have been poor and our good position at the end of the 2012/13 season was largely predicated on a good first half of the season but, given the level of investment we can manage as a club, 8th-10th in the Premiership currently represents success for us. Basically we are regularly towards the top of the league of the rest. I count the 'big' clubs, with whom we cannot compete financially, as the two Manchesters, the two Liverpool clubs, Chelsea and Arsenal. Tottenham and Newcastle should also be part of this cartel but haven't been able to nail their membership through consistent results.

So four more points, taken from us dodgily, and we would probably still have Clarke for a bit longer.

Our new man, Pepe Mel, was sacked by Real Betis last autumn in similar circumstances. Having got his club promoted he was then dismissed when a run of poor form saw them looking to avoid relegation rather than pushing on. He had got them into Europe.

Sometimes the only change a club owner can make to his investment is the manager. It is the route taken too often.

That said, Mel looks a good guy who has long wanted to manage in England. If he is poor he will last 12-18 months and then we will sack him. If he is good he will last 12-18 months and one of the big eight will steal him.

Welcome to our world. Manchester United. Come on down.

Football Punditry Examination 2013

From time to time I set a football punditry examination. Anyone can play but the aim is to do at least as well as, if not better than, the pundits themselves. The previous one was here.

1. Place in order of ball speed:
A) Drill it
B) Ping it
C) Drive it
D) Put your laces through it

2. 'He has every right to go down there.' Discuss Andy Townsend's concept of human rights.

3. 'He left his leg in and that is nasty.' Discuss Alan Shearer's understanding of limb removal.

4. Name any football ground in the top four tiers of the pyramid that has ever been described as 'An easy place to go.'

5. 'He got something on the ball.' Does this adequately summarise Robbie Savage's knowledge of the rules concerning a tackle?

6. 'Football is a non-physical contact sport but the nature of the game is that some physical contact is inevitable.' To what extent would today's pundits be surprised by this early clarification of the principles of Association Football?

7. Indicate, using diagrams and marked timings, the precise way to shake hands with Mark Hughes after a game. Try to ensure your answer finds a balance between being dismissive and patronising.

8. 'He done brilliant.' To what extent does Michael Owen grasp:
A) The past tenses
B) Adverbs

9. 'Forearmed is forewarned.' List any proverbs Steve Claridge has reached for successfully.

10. 'Ridicule is nothing to be scared of.' What reaction to Adam Ant's lyric might we expect from:
A) Portsmouth
B) Coventry
C) Wimbledon
D) Sheffield

Time allowed 90 minutes.

Quote Book Index 71-80

73. I have been given the recipe for a new and beautiful cocktail called the Diego Maradona. It requires one part Perrier, one part Evian, lemon and ice. You drink it and then pretend to fall down drunk. (Anon newspaper clipping)

Footballers Are Stupid - Part 247

A handshake? What is a handshake? I doubt very much that more than a handful of footballers have the first idea.

It goes back to the days when, in order to kill someone, you needed to get close enough to plunge something sharp into them.

A handshake, with the most commonly used hand, the right, was an open palm which contained no dagger. It removed suspicion.

Which means that a handshake was not originally a comment on the past but a statement about the future. I do not intend to kill you. The crisis will subside from this point onwards.

Pretty soon afterwards, or perhaps even in parallel, it became a recognised sign of finalising a deal - let's shake on it.

But in essence one does not have to have resolved the past in order to shake a hand. The errors of the past still need reconciliation but the handshake offer is my intention to do nothing to make matters worse.

So, a refusal to shake hands actually escalates. By not agreeing to stop making matters worse you contribute to making matters worse.

I almost understand the problems with the handshake between sparky managers (pun intended) at the end of a heated game. Most problems of this nature are sorted over a drink later. But before the game? Not for the first time I think some players need to grow up.

All footballers are liars

I was a slightly weird footballer. You'll have to take my word for it but I combined a desperately fierce and combative approach with a fair spirit. I never did that stupid thing of appealing for a corner if I knew it was a goal kick. After a while I gave up appealing altogether. Waste of effort.

I came close to cracking. One day one of my team-mates appealed for a throw-in which should have been given to us. The ref gave it the other way and, in defence of his decision, pointed at me and said, 'Well he isn't appealing.'

All jokes about me being appealing belong in another article.

I have always felt that my unilateral decision to 'leave things to the ref' bore little fruit and even refs were suspicious of it.

But the opposite extreme, which is what we have now, where everyone appeals for everything, is counter-productive surely? Someone gives a gentle push and a liar goes down as if shot. A shot is not saved and the liar covers his own inaccuracy by appealing for a corner. A defender misses a tackle and a liar deliberately trips over the outstretched leg. A liar performing as a pundit says 'He had a right to go over it.' A liar, who has tripped an opponent and hurt him, tells him to get up and stop faking.

There are moments of sportsmanship, reprieve and empathy - of course - but can my readers nominate any players who consistently avoid over-appealing, bad-mouthing referees and exaggerating injuries? I haven't seen him enough in the flesh but I suspect Phil Neville may score quite high.

1 in 5

You will know, regular readers, that this blog gets profoundly irritated when statistics are used badly in the media. That irritation reaches seismic proportions when it is allegedly smart people who try and say intuitive things about stats without thinking first.

So, with the possible caveat that there may be a misquote in the ipaper, this from Sanjay Sharma, professor no less, of cardiology at St George's Hospital, Tooting, south London, who runs a screening unit for sports people. We are talking about the collapse of Fabrice Muamba in Saturday's FA Cup tie at White Hart Lane:

I am surprised it was not picked up. The medical screening these players get is extremely comprehensive. It will identify 80 per cent of conditions causing sudden death.

If 20 per cent of conditions are not found then that is one in five. A sudden collapse is a rare event (but the papers have recently given details of four or five in the last few years) and I think a professor of cardiology should rein in his surprise and instead be amazed at how lucky he has been to date.

We continue to pray for Fabrice Muamba's recovery but our optimism about the future should be tempered. An 80 per cent effective screening process is good but not great. One in five of the people who have a rare heart condition (so a small group) will be playing without knowledge of it.