Doesn't Take Long

What is it with these people? Do they read their own instructions? How long is long anyway?

I have just purchased a BT Synergy 3105 cordless telphone system, reduced by £50 from £69.99 to £19.99 because it is ex-display and people have obviously ruined it by looking at it.

Page 3 of the instructions:

You must first set up your phone before you can use it.
This doesn't take long and is easy to do...

Page 7 of the instructions:

Place the handset on the base to charge for at least 16 hours ... After 16 hours, plug one end of the telephone line cord into...

And I haven't even reached the 39 pages of 'Getting to know your phone.' I'll probably have to take it out for dinner and drive it home. I wonder if it'll text on a first date

Short Essay on Stupidity

I have written before about the examples of stupidity demonstrated by the Great British Public (GBP) in making retail purchases. Two from the past which spring to mind are:

What is the difference between a 7 inch light shade and an 8 inch?
Will this table cloth fit my table at home?

We now have some lovely conservatory furniture which Liz tracked down and captured due to her job. The fine oak table we now have has some lovely natural markings, knots and blemishes which really give it character. 'Those are the sort of things that people complain about and return the product,' she tells me.

It transpires that, in order to avoid confusing the GBP there is a sign which accompanies all the real wood products on show saying something such as, 'Wood is a natural substance and as such there may be some colour discrepancies between the product on show and the product delivered. Furthermore there may be some natural blemishes in the appearance of the product.'

We are so stupid, the GBP, that we have to be told that there is a real danger wood may look like er, wood. No such trouble with MDF is there?

Automated Answering Systems

I am not especially troubled by these but if you are this may help, from Roger Morris' excellent Start the Week mailing through the Diocese of Coventry. He says:

'You can keep up-to-date with new discoveries at <http://gethuman.com/uk/>

Abbey 0845 9724724 Don't press anything, even when prompted
Halifax 0845 7203040 At every prompt, press 8. Takes about six presses
Lloyds TSB 0800 0969779 Don't press anything
MBNA 0800 062062 Press * three times
Scottish Widows 0845 8450829 Press 4 twice
Amazon.co.uk 0800 2796620 Press 5
Currys 0870 6097172 Press *. When told that option is not available, press * again
Tesco 0800 591688 Don't press anything
Virgin Rail 0845 7222333 Press 0 at each of the first two
NTL 0800 0522000 Don't press anything. The wait for an operator is usually long (15-20 mins)
Sky 0870 2404040 Several people report the operator saying press '#' to get to the front of the queue. But nobody's succeeded
British Gas 0845 6060709 Don't press anything
British Gas 0845 9500400 Don't press anything
One.Tel 0845 8188000 At the first menu, press 0
South West Water 0800 1691133 Press 6
Southern Electric 0845 7444555 Don't press or say anything
Vodafone 0870 0700191 Dial 0*0*0*0*0*. If voice prompts continue, dial the same again'

Happy anarchy boys and girls.

Training

Done anything difficult today? Struck a match on a jelly? Scored a hat-trick after coming on as an 87th minute substitute? Read the whole Bible in a second language?

Peasy that lot. Child's play.

Let me tell you what I did today. Friends it was the toughest thing I ever did in my life. I taught my 77 year old mother to use her DVD player. She doesn't know how it came to be turned off with the lead to the TV dangling loose. She didn't pull it out but she lives alone so that poltergeist electrician must have been at it again.

Anyway she is now equipped with the instructions on the back of an old envelope. She even knows how to pause a film to go to the loo or make a cup of tea now. Bless. Did I tell you she still drives. A car. Really. She has the instructions written on several envelopes in the glove box.

'If I only need six of the buttons on the remote thingy what are all the others for?'

Next time Mum, next time.

Nuts 2

Seeking after truth needs to be done vigilantly and everywhere.

Bought a packet of six iced buns. Was delighted to find a picture of a 'serving suggestion.' For those of you with difficulties imagining how to serve a Tesco iced-bun may I encourage you to lie two side by side, tear the end off one and place it next to a bowl of sugar.

I can't begin to imagine how unarmed you must be in the battle of wits which is life to need a serving suggestion for an iced bun.