Reliability

I'm pretty sure that most people would prefer those in their employ to be reliable. I have worked with a  few crazy creatives in my time and their unreliability was something we took into account because we wanted their genius ideas on our side. We didn't mind that they occasionally forgot to wash, their desks needed police incident tape and their punctuality for routine meetings was a thing worthy of having an office sweep. I have woken two people in my working life who were asleep near their work, surrounded by pizza boxes.

If you are unreliable you will not be missed for days. Seriously injured in a ditch will become dead in a ditch unless you are unreliable but lucky. Gosh how I love chaotic but lucky people. Also, they live longer.

I am spending more waking hours than is healthy these days pondering things that may be worth handing on. The trigger was when I was asked to do an awkward burial of ashes because 'You're a safe pair of hands'. I guess I am. I am punctual. If I am late people tend to ask if everything is OK rather than look sternly at me. Which is nice. Reliable people are late sometimes. But they have good will to be so. If I say I will do something I usually do it. I got reminded in a meeting the other day to do something that was on my list to do next. Really irritating although we may note in passing that control freaks don't trust anyone, even reliable people.

A speaker at a conference I was at said that people who use trains are usually punctual. It is true but it sounds wrong. People who use trains regularly have to get themselves to a station at a particular time or they are late. Trains are sometimes late but the person was there to catch it. We generally only hear that someone has come to an event by train if they are late and explaining. Most trains are on time. Most train users don't usually feel the need to say how they travelled.

But reliability isn't only about punctuality. As a professional writer for a few years I used to hit deadlines. Had to. I wanted the fee. Part of being reliable involved, from time to time, phoning a commissioning editor and asking if there was any flexibility in the deadline. It was usually fine because they'd built in some time for emergencies. Once or twice I encountered a strict deadline and had to stay up late finishing. Because that's what reliable people do. By the way, if you want something from a writer first thing in the morning make the deadline the previous night. We consider a deadline of Monday means Monday at 11.59 p.m. You will get it before Tuesday.

Reliable people feeling they might disappoint, warn those who are depending on them at an early stage. No-one will be cross with you if you tell them you are going down with some illness and may not make it. But give the expectant recipient an extra 24 hours to make plans. Reliable people hate letting others down. The memory of so-doing haunts us.

Once you have a reputation for unreliability it will be hard to shake off. You will feel nagged. If you are unfortunate enough to be in that position my advice would be to over-communicate yourself out of it. 

'Hi Fliss, I'm just calling to say I'm getting on with that piece of work you gave me and it will be finished in a few days.'

'Hi Fliss, just checking in to say the piece will be with you at the end of the week.'

'Hi Fliss. I've just posted it first class.'

Of course, because you're now reliable, these statements need to be true or you become real lieable. Not good.

On a much larger scale, the Japanese worked tirelessly and ceaselessly on acquiring a reputation for reliability after the expression 'Made in Japan' began to be used as shorthand for shoddy in the 1960s and 70s.

If a product becomes unreliable in the eyes of the public it may well be withdrawn for a while and returned with a different name. It's a label nobody wants.

Reliable people do what they say they will do. If they think they will be unable to do something they don't offer to do it, or negotiate the arrangements. Try 'I'll do this for you if you take that off my hands'. From time to time you can put people off by charging a lot. If they call your bluff and agree to pay it either sub it out for less or decide that for that amount of cash you'll stay up all night to finish.

Reliable people don't offer wisdom about things they know nothing about. That sort of bluffing comes back to haunt you.

Reliable people are usually busy and seem to fit a lot into a day.

The word 'reliable' doesn't crop up until the sixteenth century or so. It may come from old French and Latin with its roots in 'binding back'. That word religare also gave us religion. In the Bible it is sometimes used to translate the Greek word pistos but that word encompasses faithfulness and belief. When 2 Timothy 2:2 talks about entrusting Paul's teachings to pistois people it means those who share belief and trust in Jesus.

If you are embarking on a calling to ministry don't over-commit early doors but deliver what you say you will, well and on time.

But is it really work?

A few years ago I wrote a piece about the weirdness of clergy work. Find it here. It is based on a number of conversations with my friend and previous training colleague, Bob Clucas. The early Apple spell-checker suggested he was Reboot Clichés - I wish that had stuck. As with many of these ideas, which I usually wrote down but he also initiated, neither of us remembers, or cares, who deserves the most credit. So we tend to share it.

I have read a few posts on social media recently from new clergy trying to make sense of activities such as doing the laundry or cleaning on a day off and what to do when the mind wanders, during such activities, to work-related matters.

Firstly, well done for spotting it. And now to the idea. It is the difference between real and apparent work. And this, if my previous experience is anything to go by, will transform the lives of about 20% of the people who read it, whilst the rest will say 'That's crazy.' To the 80% I say, please allow the 20% to be crazy but happy. What follows ain't illegal. Here we go:

There will be things you do that come under the heading 'duties of office' (clergy are office-holders, not employees) which you enjoy and would do anyway, paid or not. For some this will be hanging around in coffee shops or going to parties; for others writing improving articles in the church press and for still others fixing guttering. These are work, apparently, but don't feel like it to you.

Then there will be things you do in your down-time or on your rest-day that you would rather pay someone else to do. For some this will be gardening; for others ironing, washing or shopping. These are leisure, apparently, but don't feel like it to you.

The trick, if trick it can be called, is to recall that clergy do not have to avoid domestic chores every day they are on duty. If ironing is work for you and it has to be done, do it on any day except your rest day. Glebe management is part of your responsibility so it is OK to do gardening whilst on duty. In fact it is required as part of your duties.

If you cram all the leisure activities that feel like work into your day off you won't feel like you've had one. If you trade them for one or two bits of your duties that don't feel like work you will.

To summarise, try and make sure your duty days are a mix of real work and real leisure, or apparent work and apparent leisure. And fill your days off with real leisure and, if necessary, apparent work.

I once shared this with a group of clergy who were what is known as 'training incumbents' (TIs). One guy, who I know for a fact had ruined the lives of several curates, responded, as if it were the last word on the matter. 'Well that wouldn't work for me.' He seemed quite shocked when I suggested that I was not asking it to work for him but that it might be an option he shared with his curate in case it was helpful for them. At this very idea, sharing something he didn't personally find helpful, he gave the room a look which encompassed all the ranges of amazement in the known universe. Teaching the doing of things exactly the way he had done them for thirty years wasn't the only thing that worked? Really?

If you were his curate I doubt he told you this. Sorry if it's late.

Same time next week?

Bring on the Walls

I was having a bit of a chat with my new ministry colleague about what we do when we hit a wall. I'm not really sure that an ample theology of wall exists within the church. The problem is, I reckon, that most people choose the metaphor of hitting it. Which is not the way I deal with walls, by and large. The couple of times I tried, it left scars.

Marathon runners speak of 'the wall'. For them it is a description of something psychological. Your mind tells you to stop but your body isn't finished with it yet. I know a bit about this. Some years ago I was told by a neurosurgeon that my chronic back pain would decrease if I exercised. Trouble was, exercise really hurt. I was slowly and gently introduced to the psychological idea that pain, real as it was, had ceased to be an indication of something wrong. I was causing myself no further damage when I exercised and the pain was unnecessary. I had to retrain my body to keep going even though it hurt. Took about 18 months but it worked. Hardest thing I ever did. No question.

Real walls, without doors, have to be climbed or circumnavigated but remember, you should be able to see them coming. Prepare yourself for any walls with appropriate equipment.

Metaphorical and psychological walls require a whole different set of techniques. You can seek a hidden door. Jump them. Blow them up. Walk though them. Dig under them. Leave them for another day. Give them to somebody else. Attach them to a balloon and float them away. Attach yourself to a balloon and float over. Get a really big ladder out of your shoe. Join with the Roadrunner (beep beep) and draw a hole in it. Jump through and erase the hole as Wily Coyote leaps. Fun, isn't it? As the great Dan Reed said, 'To daydream properly takes immeasurable amounts of imaginary time.' The decision is yours.

The problem with walls is that they aren't walls. They are obstacles which you have deemed insurmountable. It isn't the worst advice to ignore them.

Got too many things in your head? Put some down for a bit. Diary them for next week and forget about them.

Got a thing coming up you don't know how to deal with. Get input. Talk it over. Break it down into smaller bits. If you gotta eat a slug you want that critter thin-sliced.

Got too many actual jobs? Renegotiate some deadlines.

Wondering about your entire sense of self-worth and ability? That kid needs therapy. And probably not from the person who gave you the deadlines or relies on you hitting them.

What sort of mental ability does it take to willingly go to your death by crucifixion? I'm not going to get into theories of atonement or a quest for the historical Jesus - I want this to be useful to more than the faith community. I simply ask if you could go that way knowing you could avoid it and knowing that no-one would ever know that you did, or criticise you for it. From where does that sort of inner strength come?

Walls. Time to come tumblin' down.

On Being a Curate

I wheel this out every couple of years for those about to be ordained. First written fifteen years ago at least:

The day after I was ordained I went into my study and wondered what a curate did all day. If this happens to you, enjoy it. Things come along to fill your time. But if nobody has sat you down and offered you any tips and hints for making the most of your title parish then how about these? Most of them were learned through failure and inadequacy rather than taught by a wise mentor. Perhaps they might make your life a little easier for the next three years. At minimum you might have as much hair at the end as you have now. And it will be the same colour. Grey hair may be a crown of splendour and a sign of a righteous life but it’s not the only crown or the solitary sign. So try these:

1. Meet people. Don’t have a newspaper delivered. Go and pick it up from the same shop every day. The newsagent knows what’s going on so is worth getting to know. Every three or four months buy one of every paper and compare them. It’ll help you to know how everyone in the parish is thinking. Go to the same pub at the same time every week. Then you’ll become a regular. Take your glasses back and you’ll become a popular regular.

2. However broke you are, never compromise on the quality of your food.

3. Remember that your vicar/rector is not always right, but apart from matters of grave heresy you’ll find your curacy a more pleasurable experience if you treat her/him as if (s)he is.

4. Have a talk up your sleeve for the unexpected occasions when you’re asked to say a few words. Change it every few weeks. Learn a couple of unusual prayers and graces.

5. Wear your clerical collar everywhere for the first six months. It will help you to get used to it and stop feeling self-conscious. Once people know you, wear anything else; otherwise people end up talking to it, not you. You will be breaking canon law but it won’t be the only way so don’t worry unduly. Most changes to laws happen because people start breaking them.

6. Have a whole day off and another night off as well. Don’t go looking for extra work on Saturdays and Sundays. It’ll find you if it needs to.

7. Activate voicemail. Ignore phones during meals. Don’t leave it on when you’re on holiday or you’ll give the impression that you’ll be phoning back in a few minutes and have twenty or thirty annoyed people to call. Don’t leave a message about being on holiday (I know it’s obvious but I did meet someone who did) or all your favourite things will mysteriously vanish by the time you return and the back window will need repairing.

8. Pray and read your Bible a lot. It is work. What a privilege. Always offer to pray with people when you visit, but don’t do it without asking.

9. Walk to as many places as you can. Stop and chat on the way. Ask for 10% of the saving on your expenses claim towards a good new pair of shoes every year. You won’t get it but it makes the point. Always claim your expenses in full, monthly. If not paid you can get tax-relief on them. If you don’t need the money, gift-aid it back.

10. If you’ve got school-age kids then take and fetch them as often as you can. Talk to the other parents waiting outside.

11. Never say, ‘As I’ve said before’ during your curacy. You’ll have plenty of time for repeating yourself in later years.

12. Have a few pieces of music that absolutely guarantee to calm you down (or big you up). Mine, currently, are by a Norwegian band called Undergrunnen

13. Give people your full attention. Even after church services. The worst thing in the world for someone talking to you is to see you looking over their shoulder for the next person you want to ‘just catch’.

14. Remember that there is no difference between real and apparent care. The parishioners need to know that you care. The best way to do this is to really care but cultivate the skill of apparently caring for those days when you don’t.

14b) Infinitives may be split when necessary.

15. Collect postcards and send them to everyone at every possible moment to say thanks, how are you, I thought of you…

16.  Never suggest ten steps until you’re sure you can’t think of eighteen. If you think you might have three things to say announce you have four and then stop early if you run out. It'll get a laugh and give you an undeserved reputation for brevity.

17. Become an expert in some small thing. Cemetery wildlife. John chapter 4. Clerical wear 1880-1900. That sort of thing.

18. There are another 200 or so of these on Twitter at #ministrytip

I’ve managed to spend thirty-one ordained years not being the incumbent of anywhere so remember you are ordained for ministry not the vicarage.

Ministry Tips 176-200 (That's All Folks)

Here are the final 25 tips. There may be more and I will collect them and publish if I get enough, but too many were repetitious or too closely linked to previous ones. Thanks for reading and sending comments. I am talking about a publishing offer. Nothing in writing yet.

176. Trust the projector operator; try not to look round to check what is on the screen behind you.
177. In meetings, try and make your points in two sentences. Then let someone else speak.
178. If you say 'The point is this...' the next thing that follows should be the point, not an anecdote.
179. Don't know how many points you are about to make? Go for a large number and stop short; not a small number and over-run.
180. When you say 'Any questions', collect a few before answering any.
181. Don't lead a church into reflecting your preferences; lead it into being more able to decide its own.
182. Priests don't consecrate things; they ask God to.
183. Getting people to stand in birthday order non-verbally is the finest icebreaker. Other orders are available.
184. If talk is being recorded, explain visual aids. Or make images available to the recording listeners. (Thanks Ruth Jolly)
185. When you take questions in front of large audiences, repeat them over the mic if there isn't a roving mic. (Thanks Richard Owen)
186. If you are tall, possibly intimidating, sit to chat with someone small. Also with wheelchair users. (Thanks Tim Sudworth)
187. 'I don't know' is a valid answer (and always better than bluffing). Thanks @ruth_hw
188. When bluffing, first establish the absence of expertise around the table.
189. Always make the distinction between your church and your church building. Thanks @yernaninakettle
190. Notwithstanding tip 120, best to wear your clerical collar a lot for the first six months of a new post.
191. In meetings, if you have nothing to say, don't say anything but...
192. It is not only the chair's responsibility to keep things moving.
193. When visiting non-church members do offer to pray, but always ask if that is OK first.
194. Have a good leaving do for everyone who leaves, even if you have been praying the bugger out for years.
195. Get out of the hearse when the undertaker does and accompany him/her on the last few yards walk.
196. Tell the bride and her father to walk 'as slowly as you dare'.
197. Don't display visual aids that make the opposite of your point. Visual aids help retention of the 5% of gold in your talk.
198. The God of the Hebrew Bible and the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ are one ... Whatever Richard Dawkins says.
199. Don't get too precious about precision in nativity plays or theology in carols. Stick on the tea towel and sing.
200. 'In the thrombosis of the church the vicar is often the clot.' (Anon) Thank you and goodnight.

Ministry Tips 151-175

151. Putters & leavers. Putters find things where they put them. Leavers wonder where they left them. Thanks @RonJichardson
152. 'Ideas have wings' (Anita Roddick). Talk about things lots before writing down. These days, treat social media as talking.
153. Do everything as if an expert in the field is watching, or may walk in on you.
154. You don't have to visit all the sick - just make sure the sick get visited.
155. You are allowed no more than two 'rebuke' sermons a year. One or none is better.
156. One sermon a year on stewardship is enough unless you offer a short series on different aspects. Only one on money.
157. To engender guilt in a congregation try saying 'You do not take prayer seriously enough' in some form.
158. However hard you try most ordinary people will not understand the clergy's relationship with free time.
159. Interns, placement students and visitors will ask you great questions. Listen to them and thank them.
160. Everything needs fixing. Best to do it before it's broken.
161. Re-organisation is the illusion of progress.
162. Tradition is the illusion of permanence. (Woody Allen)
163. Try and avoid too many sermon illustrations that accidentally ostracise single people.
164. Pray for people more often than when they are sick.
165. Always review everything. It's the first part of planning.
166. Pioneers have the gift of not fitting in. (Jonny Baker) Try not to make them. There's gold in them there hills.
167. You can do a legal wedding in about seven minutes; everything else is a cultural preference.
168. If you are punctual leave the seats near the door for those who are not. Thanks for reminder Jeremy Fletcher.
169. Keep sentences short and avoid too many three syllable words in communication which sells your organisation.
170. Vicarage decorating is work.
171. When fixing a pastoral appointment tell people how long they have got.
172. Prepare a couple of emergency assemblies.
173. Try and have as few things as possible you object to at weddings and funerals.
174. Try and make a Sunday the last day of your holiday rather than the first.
175. #ministrytip 7 applies to your email inbox too.

Ministry Tips 126-150

Still haven't worked out how many of these there are going to be but they are definitely slowing down:

126. Work out how to have a high theology of people and a low theology of things.
127. 'While there's death there's hope' is sometimes the best you can say.
128. Always accept resignations.
129. For interruptions use GRACES - should I Greet, Receive, Accompany, Confer, Engage or See off? http://stevetilley.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/interruptions.html
130. Send hand-written thank-you postcards to people as often as you can.
131. Occasionally buy people a gift for no reason. 'I remembered you liked this album at my house' sort of thing.
132. Occasionally get people together who all joined the church under the same previous incumbent.
133. Pick a few people you trust (not all those who agree with you). Ask them how they think you are doing every now and again.
133. Apart from your day off have at least one evening a week when you don't work.
134. When someone complains to you about the weather tell them you are in sales not management (Bishop Gene Robinson).
135. If you get in financial difficulties tell your boss / diocese / manager at an early stage.
136. Have something at hand you know will cheer you up when you feel down (depression is different).
137. If you begin by running to the 1st minor pastoral problem you will spend your ministry running to minor pastoral problems.
138. Spending all your time visiting the congregation leaves you much-loved and numbers only changed by birth & death rates.
139. Take a double day off once a month. Other people get weekends. Why not you?
140. If you absolutely have to eat a slug, slice it real thin and add flavour.
141. There is nothing intrinsically evil about fast food, PJ days, box-set binging, beer, rock and roll or a lie-in.
142. Ask members of a new congregation how many straws they are currently carrying and their maximum straw-bearing capacity.
143. Don't tinker with stuff too much once it's good enough (see 12).
144. You will do better after a break for prayer.
145. You will see things differently after a rest/break/sleep.
146. The results are God's business not yours. Sowers sow seed. Then stuff happens.
147. Look for people to work with who have got 'It'. You cannot describe what 'It' is but you will know when it is missing.
148. Look for people to work with who are 'one of us'. You cannot explain what this means but you will know when they are not.
149. Accumulate bitter-enders and second-milers. The only way to do this is to be one.
150. It is not evil to plan things on the back of an old envelope; but don't lose it.

Ministry Tips 101-125

101. Don't lean back on an unfamiliar chair.
102. Park in a distant parking place and leave the nearer ones for latecomers and poor walkers.
103. If you drink alcohol, designate drinking hours, say noon-3 and 6-midnight. Never drink outside these times.
104. Keep your house in such a state that you could show round a prospective purchaser in 20 minutes time. Or the Archdeacon.
105. Try and read something irrelevant to next week's sermon; be amazed how often it isn't.
106. Learn some generic open questions. If you don't know what this means, find out.
107. You learn things by looking out of city café windows.
108. Clergy saying psalms, canticles and responsories in the congregation are usually too loud.
109. Learn to welcome, enjoy and act upon all feedback; it is the only way to grow.
110. Praise good behaviour loads more than you criticise bad.
111. All the other people in the world also think the world would be a better place if everyone was more like them.
112. 'Most people overestimate what they can achieve in 6 months and underestimate what they can achieve in 5 years.' (Anon)
113. Improve the coffee if it is bad. It will take you 10 times as long to change the church as it takes you to do this.
114. New liturgical experiences are created when someone gets old liturgical experiences wrong.
115. If you have time to read a book on time management then you don't have a problem with time management.
116. None of us is as smart as all of us. Crowds are wise.
117. Try to have healthy refreshment options available at church events - fruit slices instead of biscuits or cake.
118. Be kind to people. It is amazing how many reports bishops receive of clergy being cruel.
119. Tell people how long the event will last. Don't over-run. It is all they will remember.
120. If you choose to wear a dog collar be aware that people will talk to it, not you.
121. If you end up having a pastoral conversation in the supermarket, don't block the aisle.
122. Build relationships with your natural communities - school gate, dog walkers, pub regulars, sports watchers...
123. If you hate ice-skating don't offer to take the youth group ice-skating. Etc.
124. There is a school of ministry that says it must be hard, painful and sacrificial all the time. This is bollocks.
125. In meetings, events and gatherings as far possible the audience should set the mood.

Interruptions

A few years ago I was taught a simple mnemonic to help assess how to deal with an interruption. For the sake of this it is assumed that I am in the middle of something important and am trying to decide if the interruption is more important than what I am doing:

Greet - say hello politely and do not continue the chat. Works for when passing people in the corridor or street.

Receive - take the letter or parcel they have given you, do not open it in their presence, and tell them when you will deal with it if they need to know.

Accompany - take them to the colleague they need to see if it isn't you. Or the underling who can handle it for you. Or the boss if it is above your pay grade.

Confer - set aside five minutes to assess if this is something important or not. Then do one of the other things.

Engage - drop everything. This interruption is your new priority. Take five minutes to renegotiate the deadline of the other thing, call and reschedule or diary time to complete.

See off - chase them out of town, call the police. Shout for help, hand over your wallet. Not necessarily all of these and maybe not in that order.

(This post builds upon #ministry tip 129)

(Thanks to Bryn Hughes of Marc Europe at the training course 'Management Skills for Christian Leaders' 1990)

Missing Scripture

One of the joys of Daily Prayer is following the readings systematically through scripture. As one who does not give a glance to festivals such as the Feast of the Transfiguration it annoys me intensely if I find myself saying Morning Prayer with people who are strict about the lectionary rather than simply working out which readings to drop in. The sequence is broken.

Thursday was a case in point. We have started reading Mark's Gospel. It is a short gospel, perhaps the first to have been written down and worth reading in one go if you ever get a chance. Because it is short (sixteen chapters) almost every word is important. Missing out a section such as Mark 1:29-end (which we did) places you in some difficulty in understanding.

Mark has a question he sets for his readers. It is, 'Who is this man?' he wants us to work out who Jesus is for ourselves. In his account the first person who 'gets it' is a demon-possessed man.

 The crowd ask. 'What is this - a new teaching with authority (over demons)?'

So by the end of chapter one, when Jesus has gone to the home of a relative of a disciple to heal her, his reputation as a faith-healer is developing. Next day he gets up early to pray alone. When he gets discovered and is told he is being sought he says, and this is astonishing, 'Let's go somewhere else.'

He eschews healing for preaching. 'That is why I have come' he says.

If we omit these verses we may well feel that setting up healing ministries, doing Healing on the Streets, making healing the focus of our ministry would be a good thing. If we do read them we discover, as we will again and again in all the gospels, that healing is usually a response to an interruption, not an end in itself.

But we wouldn't let ourselves be so duped. Would we?

Ministry Tips 76-100

76. Diary reading and study time.
77. Bereavement visit. Not good to get embroiled in arguments about how the church has changed. Remember comments for later.
78. All invitations to become a disciple of Jesus should be accompanied by a health and safety warning.
79. There is nothing wrong with MBHA (Ministry By Hanging Around) but be conspicuous. MBH (Ministry By Hiding) doesn't work.
80. If you speak the truth it is easier to remember what you said.
81. There is no difference between really caring and apparently caring as far as the cared-for are concerned.
82. Most of us, most of the time, have no idea what we are doing.
83. Sometimes you should appear to have nothing better to do than wander around picking up litter.
84. The things you are in charge of should require most thinking time and least physical time.
85. Have a dirty-hands job you do without seeking accolades.
86. A good celebrant and a good referee have a lot in common. Create atmosphere, control proceedings, completely unnoticed.
87. Ministry is not all about doing; sometimes simply being is important too. Don't fill every hour with things to do.
88. Empty your filing tray then destroy it. Put all paper away at once.
89. Each time you file a piece of paper in the filing cabinet try and throw one or two pieces out.
90. Follow @johnnvtruscott for regular tips on all things admin.
91. It is probably worth paying someone to do your tax.
92. To work out whether to employ someone for a job you could do, cost yourself per hour and see if you can do it cheaper.
93. It is not a sin to spend extra time on the bits of your job you really enjoy.
94. Talk to children. Make the adults wait in line while you finish.
95. Stuck for conversation starter with children? Try 'I like your shoes'. Only use with adults if you actually like the shoes.
96. When someone shouts at you, respond in a quieter-than-usual voice and don't touch them.
97. 'Vision is the ability to remember the purpose of the work.' (C) Clucas The Fruit Game
98. No-one ever got criticised for dressing too smartly for an interview. Clergy should wear clerical collars.
99. Close files in the cabinet with paper clips. Remove them when using file. After a year archive files still clipped shut
100. If someone else is leading a service or office less well than you would have done, let them.

Ministry Tips 51-75

51. Take parcels in for neighbours. You are around during the day. It makes up for your visitors parking across their drives.
52. Be sure you have understood the question. If in doubt, repeat it before answering it.
53. If faced with criticism try 'What precisely is it that is worrying you?'
54. If you are an introvert, check that you said 'Thank you' aloud. If you are an extrovert, check that you meant it.
55. Hospitality prevents hunger, dirt, discomfort and tiredness from spoiling the conversation.
56. Find out what radio stations your parishioners listen to and, even if they are not your bag, listen to them occasionally.
57. Every now and again buy a copy of every newspaper and compare.
58. If you have a reputation for awkwardness get things done by asking for the opposite of what you want (a friend told me).
59. @RevJFletcher 'Rules for Reverends' (BRF 2013) has good stuff in. It's funnier than this and Dave Walker done pictures.
60. Try and tell people what you think you just heard them say.
61. Remember that if you ever feel arrogant enough to be able to write ministry tips you will be held accountable to them.
62. It feels weird to be paid to pray but it is rather that you are compensated for not having a job in order to pray more.
63. When people say, 'You only work on Sundays' agree and laugh. Don't get defensive.
64. Beyond safety, don't have ridiculous expectations of tied housing.
65. Vicarage gardening is work.
66. When you stand up in front of any group of people, tell them who you are if you haven't been introduced.
67. Ministers get treated as very minor celebrities. This means being willing to be humiliated sometimes. Be OK with that.
68. If you ever think your life is tough remember that Randy Vickers really exists and is ordained.
69. Bishops get to speak the truth to power; most of us get to speak the truth to the powerless.
70. Remember these are not #ordainedministrytip or #professionalministrytip - anyone can join in.
71. Don't form a church badminton club if there is an existing one in town.
72. The welcomers should be in the car-park, whatever the weather.
73. If driving across a drawbridge into a palace for a ministerial review doesn't make you laugh you are in the wrong job.
74. If you have a personal freshness problem you will probably be the last to know. Ask someone you trust, from time to time.
75. Hospitality happens at the convenience of the guests, not the hosts.

Priest or Leader?

Interesting article by Graham Tomlin in the Church Times about balancing the two words 'priest' and 'leader'.

It is well argued with the suggestion at its conclusion that '...priestly leaders are those whose one goal is the blessing and flourishing of those in their care.' Well amen to that.

But what about anyone who feels their call is to one or the other? Is there any other way forward than squaring the circle?

Of course there is, but it requires a change of heart and mind.

For those, often but not exclusively, evangelicals who want to lead I say, why not? Get leading. Your view of priesthood is functional not ontological. What you need is to be able to appoint, and indeed anoint, local priests who can preside, forgive and bless. You can still exercise a prophetic ministry (although so can anyone in the church). But then you will not be side-tracked by the need to scrub around for eucharistic cover when you have a weekend off. You need permission to have an order of Levites.

For those who want to exercise a solely priestly ministry the answer is nearer at hand. You need to be a priest and allow your church leaders (Wardens in the C of E) to lead. If you want to block any of the things they want to do then you are more of a leader than you think you are.

There is usually, within the church, a simple, answer and a complex one. But we never reach for the simple one.

Ministry Tips 26-50

26. Don't mess with the flowers.
27. Don't mess with the Mothers' Union. They know people.
28. People who have pet services should be familiar with the juxtaposition of a mop and bucket.
29. You can go to the cinema on a working day.
30. Become a regular in one or two pubs and cafés.
31. Ask people how they like to receive feedback.
32. If children point at you in the street and tell their parents they know you, stop and tell their parents who you are.
33. Read the local free papers. Send them news. Expect it to be mangled.
34. Be decisive on all trivial 50/50 calls - it makes you more friends than prevaricating.
35. Clarification. Even if you're a trained professional florist, don't mess with the flowers.
36. Be vaguely familiar with popular culture
37. Socks, sandals. Same sentence OK. Same leg not.
38. Be sufficiently generalist to know the next question to ask after 'What do you do?'
39. Give your own opinion rarely; ask others theirs a lot.
40. Leave all hired property tidier and cleaner than you found it.
41. Let the bride and groom make their own rings comfortable after the vows. If it don't fit, don't force it
42. Learn a few graces, blessings and ending prayers.
43. 1st joke you thought of won't be original; 2nd not funny. Try the 3rd. Only ignore this advice if you have great comic timi
44. People see more of your fingernails than those of most other professionals. Keep them nice.
45. Carry a handkerchief for your own use.
46. Come to terms with your own mortality.
47. Make your own book of quotes. Nobody else will use those ones.
48. Keep a record of what you preached, on what passage, when and to whom.
49. Have an adaptable talk of the month, ready for when you have to 'say a few words'.
50. Trust your next door neighbours with a key as soon as possible. Then you will rarely be locked out.

Ministry Tips 1-25

1. On a day when you don't have very much to do, don't do very much.
2. Repeat people's names back several times after first being told them.
3. Diary the travelling time before and after meetings.
4. If meeting is likely to generate things to do, diary the time to do them.
5. Take a lunch break.
6. Do the things that need most concentration at the time when you concentrate best.
7. Put paper away, even if you haven't dealt with it yet. Make a note on your 'jobs' list if you need to deal with it.
8. Walk round the lake (http://stevetilley.blogspot.co.uk/2010/07/walk-around-lake.html)
9. Don't value the person you're with more than the person you should be with. Be punctual. Leave on time.
10. Be available to people you have delegated to but don't interfere.
11. Do things outside church.
12. Doing ten things well enough is better than doing one thing excellently. Excellence is a fraud.
13. Projects need a champion; you can't always be that yourself.
14. Find something specific and pathetic to be angry about; it will save you being inappropriately angry elsewhere.
15. Treating people as if they are pleasant makes them more pleasant.
16. Know that 1 in 10 upset people write complaints; 1 in 100 pleased people write thanks (source Julian Richer 'The Richer Way')
17. Take something to think about to a meeting where you won't be involved in every item.
18. Make yourself popular with wedding photographers; they will tell others.
19. Learn the names of the undertakers' bearers.
20. Use the names of the supermarket check-out staff.
21. Become especially knowledgable about something. Chapter of the Bible. Birds in your garden. A particular illness.
22. If you drive like a maniac it will get around.
23. Don't skip breakfast.
24. Don't read emails in the last part of your day. Certainly don't answer them if you read them by accident.
25. Reply to communication using the same means or make it more personal - never less. Don't email in response to a phone message.

Michaelmas

I was ordained at Michaelmas 1984 in Hucknall Parish Church so today is the 30th anniversary of that occasion. It's been an interesting journey to Nailsea, via Nottingham, Chester-le-Street and Leamington Spa.

The Festival of St Michael and All Angels, 'You have ordained the ministries of angels and mortals in a wonderful order...' is one of the few occasions where the church thinks about heavenly spiritual support rather than opposition or earthly ministry. A good day to be ordained upon then.

I'm not sure what my take is on it all. On the one hand if there is any spiritual support going out there I'll have some of it. On the other there is little evidence of such support that is not explainable by rational means. I guess that leaves it down to the believer. Faith or not?

The unseen world is a great comfort to many. Who am I to muck up their well-held beliefs? The rational world is a great comfort to many. Who am I etc?

I've spent a fair bit of today listening to people whose journeys are so much more demanding than my own. They need the angels. I have been blessed (or am lucky to have) a certain adaptability that just plans/reacts, plans/reacts. I quite like it when things go a bit wrong because work is more interesting and challenging then. Maybe that's why I don't see the angels. They're helping more needy people.

I'd like a visitor in white to come for a chat. It would be good to cut through the border fence with a subtle knife.

Colleagues

Wednesday 10th September - Deanery Chapter (regular meeting of Anglican clergy)
Thursday 11th September - Christians Together in Nailsea and District leaders' lunch (monthly meeting)
Tuesday 16th September - Christians Together in Nailsea and District leaders' away day (annual event)
Thursday 18th September - Anglican Local Ministry Group clergy breakfast (monthly meeting)
Thursday 18th September - Deanery Synod (def: a group of people waiting to go home)

A bit like those cicadas who have prime number breeding cycles leading to occasional plague years. It's been a very co-operative week.

Rev

It is a brave comedy that chooses not to be funny. Plot spoiling follows. Beware.

Last week's episode of Rev showed the Revd Adam Smallbone conducting an illegal gay marriage; having gone to great lengths not to, yet being told off for it anyway, he eventually did conduct such a service, although we were shown it to be done in apparent secret.

In the latest episode his attraction to the local school head-teacher, at a time when he and his wife are struggling with their sexual relationship, takes him to the brink of adultery.

Later, faced with an art installation in the church which manages to confront his 'sin', although it isn't intended to, he destroys it. But he has misinterpreted it. The installation is not Adam and the teacher but the artist, shown in a clerical collar, and his late wife. In breaking the work Adam loses the benefaction of the artist who would have solved the church's financial problems at a stroke. Again and again, the suggestion is, the church shoots itself in the foot.

So we are shown a church that has got so messed up about relationships that it has to skirt around the issue of gay marriage yet smashes an image of a powerful, but lamented, heterosexual relationship. And I think that is what the programme is saying is funny. Not funny ha ha but funny peculiar. Funny odd. Funny for Christ sake sort yourselves out. We want to laugh but it won't let us.

The national church I belong to is slow-moving, confused, pre-occupied by sex and full of pastors who are not leaders. It is stuck with raising huge sums of money for the retention of unsuitable buildings. From ground level hierarchy can seem frustrating. How does Adam get so much of his Archdeacon's time? My archdeacon is one of my best friends and I never get taken anywhere in a taxi. I am left to get on with it and everyone hopes I will not cock things up too much. Or be successful. Because that is just as awkward.

After a ten year incumbency the message that keeps everyone happy is to return the church to the bishop exactly as you found it.

I love this show. It holds a big mirror up to the church and tells it to stop being hopeless. That it takes a TV comedy show to do that is really funny.

Ten Steps 17

I’ve managed to spend twenty-eight ordained years not being the incumbent of anywhere so remember you are ordained for ministry not the vicarage.

Ten Steps 16

Never suggest ten steps until you’re sure you can’t think of sixteen. If you think you might have three things to say announce you have four and then stop early if you run out. It'll get a laugh and give you an undeserved reputation for brevity.