Friday, September 25, 2015

Meeting Up

We had a lovely new family in church last Sunday all the way from Belfast. It was great to meet them and at the same time slightly odd.

In the midst of all the warnings about meeting people on the internet it is worth remembering that we often make friends in real life by hanging out where people hang out and going back there to continue the conversation.

If you go to the same cafe at the same time every week you will probably make some acquaintances. Likewise health clubs, holidays and holding sporting season tickets.

Ali and I bumped into each other about ten years ago (we can't remember exactly when). We were both bloggers in the relatively early days of blogging and left comments on posts each other had written.

As Facebook came along we became Facebook friends. I recall being vaguely aware that I ought to meet people I had taken this step with. But in the sense that Facebook is a place to share more personal information we began to see photos of each other, become aware of each other's families and, in a gesture of absolute connection, Ali took Jesus on Wheels on a few adventures. (He now has an alarming habit of singing Irish rugby songs when bored.)

So, in this new way the world works, we became friends before we had met. And although we could never be certain, we became pretty sure that we would like to meet, that neither of us was an axe-murderer using an alter-ego, and that this had somehow become a 'proper' friendship before we had ever been in the same room.

And of course, seeing as how I am male and she is female and we are both married, it was important to involve our partners in knowledge of this friendship.

So Ali and her family came to town, being nearby for a rugby match, and afterwards we shared a hasty lunch before they had to get a plane back.

I'm sort of writing this as a corrective to the idea that you should never meet people you bump into on the internet. We got on well, it was a bit like old friends and a bit like new ones.

Thought for the Day

As delivered at BBC Radio Bristol an hour ago:

I was once a member of a small theatre company. One warm up activity was a trust exercise. Can you fall backwards trusting that I will catch you? Can you stay absolutely rigid, without cheating and looking round?

It introduces the whole concept of trust, essential in drama. Will the other actor enter when they are supposed to? And get their lines right?

Life involves trust. This week's main stories have been about breaches of trust. Will my VW (yes folks I have a VW diesel) really be low emission? Will the holiday company keep my details private? Will the medical test be carried out competently?

In church we often use the word trust. The minister will ask people to affirm their faith - to say what they believe. One standard reply is:

This is our faith.
We believe and trust in one God,
Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

To be a Christian, a follower of Jesus, it is not enough simply to believe. I must act on that belief. Trust.

I believe that putting my trust in God is to trust the one who is absolutely trustworthy. I believe that putting my trust in people is to take the risk that, from time to time, we will all act in an untrustworthy manner. Maybe through negligence, perhaps weakness or even our own deliberate fault.

And the trick, if trick is the right word, is to trust again. Of course we can all make a judgement to withdraw our custom, find other friends or change our car. If we want to. But we can also forgive. Accept that occasionally people will make mistakes. If we don't, we expect higher standards of others than we do of ourselves.

Friday, September 18, 2015

Thought for the Day

On the day the Rugby World Cup begins and the day before Gloucester play in the one day cricket final at Lords, here is today's thought, as delivered at BBC Radio Bristol this morning:

It's a while since I played contact sport. Gave up rugby in my teens after a couple of encounters between nose and big people. Played football until mid-forties and cricket a couple of years longer. Today it is all non-impact stuff at the gym.

There's an odd verse in the Bible. David is becoming a serious rival to King Saul because of his success on the battlefield. Saul hears women chanting:

Saul has slain his thousands,
and David his tens of thousands.

It's like a football chant - a reminder to the opposition of the score when you're winning.

We read that Saul was very angry when he heard this refrain. He imagines that David is only one step from taking over his kingdom. From that time on Saul kept a jealous eye on David.

Yes, war was once the sport of kings. Gladiatorial combat, jousting and the like are all a step in the direction of fighting with rules and spectators. War-lite.

Can't imagine playing rugby in today's climate - I am not the bulkiest of men and may well snap.

But I like the freedom in a framework found in competitive sport. I enjoy watching the combat.

Sporting success is good for morale in a country, county, city or town. Sporting failure is a gentle way to learn that life isn't all about winning. It teaches humility, perseverance, strategy and psychology.

With several local and national sporting stories about to begin let us treat those imposters of triumph and disaster just the same. Humble in victory; gracious in defeat. Or as David later put it himself, speaking of God:

May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you.
Amen to that.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

How not to negotiate

I had a really weird conversation the other day. Really weird. I'm still reeling from it some days on. I wish I had a tape recording of it so I could listen to it again and see how it all happened.

Anyway, without in any way suggesting this as a negotiating gambit, and given that my vision for saving the Church of England is already a matter of record, I asked a 'What if' question of someone, based on someone else I had met having an interesting idea.

The speech in response extrapolated from my question all the things I was then going to do with which the person disagreed (which, not being a strategist, I hadn't thought of so I'm grateful for the hints) and then, as it continued, negotiated with me, without inviting me to join in and eventually gave me almost 90% of the things I hadn't yet realised I wanted and so hadn't asked for. They also told me what I should have done although, had I been able to finish my little suggestion, it was something I was going to do anyway

They then listed all the ways they were not a pushover like another person I hadn't had a battle with and all the spiritual credentials they shared with me (although I don't have them).

I think I had lit the blue touch-paper and then had to listen while an imaginary version of me was knocked down. When I suggested that the response was quite upsetting I was accused of using emotional blackmail.

This is absolutely marvellous, although quite distressing to be in at the time for it feels like you are making an enemy.

Most of the people I have met who said they were prophets almost certainly weren't. The still small voices in the corner usually have more insight. And I'm certainly not claiming that I am, but I have a strange sense of being in the middle of enacting a parable right now. When someone, in your presence, has a conversation with a version of you you don't recognise without you needing to contribute it is stretching, painful and strangely exciting. Like watching the Assyrians do God's will. Best just to let it happen.

Oh and this. As taught me by the wonderful Richard quite a few years ago. When someone names the price the only thing to do is wince.

Art Questions

I love this mug. I love it because it came from a lovely shop my wife worked at full of quirky Italian ceramics and with interesting staff who could hold a conversation. I love it because it is the right size, not too fat not too thin not too short not too tall. I love it because it has two colours and they are black and white.

I don't love it because it has a black and white image of a piece of classical art on it and indeed have never paid any attention to the detail. I love it in the way one might love a great tune and only notice the lyrics several years later.

I love it because it is twenty years old and therefore family.

A few years ago I was talking to a guy at a large restaurant table and, although we both knew we were playing opposite sides in order to find the truth, we did it in such a way that the other eight occupants of the table all found other things to do and left.

The topic was art snobbishness. He took the view that we needed to be guided by people who understood art in order to keep standards up. I think Jack Vettriano was the artist who started the argument. He is much loved by many non-experts and derided by the opposite.

I think I took the view that if someone wanted a picture because they were seeking a particular shade of blue to complete a room's decor then why shouldn't they.

So this is an arty mug. But that is not why I like it.


I'm a sucker for a travel book about my own country. Having a great pride at being English, yet basically no idea what that means, has left me an enthusiastic explorer and reader.

My essential reading list, avoiding weighty tomes and text book feel, would be:

Paul Theroux - The Kingdom by the Sea (1983)
Bill Bryson - Notes from a Small Island (1995)
Jeremy Paxman - The English (1998)
Simon Jenkins - A Short History of England (2012)

To which I now add my current enjoyment, pictured, as Matthew Engel offers a chapter on each of the English counties. I was born in Warwickshire but then found out I lived in the West Midlands, without moving house. Annoying. Still irritated.

It has started a little head game which you might like to join in with. What is the first word that comes into your head when you hear each county name? Some of them just don't bring anything to mind. Many are food. For what it is worth here is my list:

Bedfordshire Luton
Berkshire downs
Cambridgeshire university
Cheshire cats
Cornwall pasty
Cumberland sausage
Derbyshire dales
Devon cream
Dorset blue
Durham town
Essex girls
Gloucestershire old spot
Hampshire, Herefordshire, Hertfordshire accidents hardly ever happen
Kentish man
Lancashire hotpot
Leicestershire Tigers
Lincolnshire poacher
Middlesex Lords
Norfolk broads
Northamptonshire cobblers
Oxfordshire dons
Shropshire blue
Somerset brie
Staffordshire bull terrier
Suffolk punch
Surrey trees
Worcestershire sauce
Yorkshire pudding

National Anthem

To the tune 'Barwick Green':

England is a lovely place
Full of hills and green stuff
A people of amazing grace
From monarchs to the dog rough
On an island
North of Europe
Fading days of Empire
History's not been kind to us but
We look to the future.

Not too hot and not too cold and
Nothing tries to eat you
Courts are fair and doctors free
The police tend not to beat you
Pies and chips
And cheese on toast
And tea to soothe our worries
We don't need the rest of you
(But thanks for bringing curries)

Monday, September 07, 2015

Ministry Tips 126-150

Still haven't worked out how many of these there are going to be but they are definitely slowing down:

126. Work out how to have a high theology of people and a low theology of things.
127. 'While there's death there's hope' is sometimes the best you can say.
128. Always accept resignations.
129. For interruptions use GRACES - should I Greet, Receive, Accompany, Confer, Engage or See off?
130. Send hand-written thank-you postcards to people as often as you can.
131. Occasionally buy people a gift for no reason. 'I remembered you liked this album at my house' sort of thing.
132. Occasionally get people together who all joined the church under the same previous incumbent.
133. Pick a few people you trust (not all those who agree with you). Ask them how they think you are doing every now and again.
133. Apart from your day off have at least one evening a week when you don't work.
134. When someone complains to you about the weather tell them you are in sales not management (Bishop Gene Robinson).
135. If you get in financial difficulties tell your boss / diocese / manager at an early stage.
136. Have something at hand you know will cheer you up when you feel down (depression is different).
137. If you begin by running to the 1st minor pastoral problem you will spend your ministry running to minor pastoral problems.
138. Spending all your time visiting the congregation leaves you much-loved and numbers only changed by birth & death rates.
139. Take a double day off once a month. Other people get weekends. Why not you?
140. If you absolutely have to eat a slug, slice it real thin and add flavour.
141. There is nothing intrinsically evil about fast food, PJ days, box-set binging, beer, rock and roll or a lie-in.
142. Ask members of a new congregation how many straws they are currently carrying and their maximum straw-bearing capacity.
143. Don't tinker with stuff too much once it's good enough (see 12).
144. You will do better after a break for prayer.
145. You will see things differently after a rest/break/sleep.
146. The results are God's business not yours. Sowers sow seed. Then stuff happens.
147. Look for people to work with who have got 'It'. You cannot describe what 'It' is but you will know when it is missing.
148. Look for people to work with who are 'one of us'. You cannot explain what this means but you will know when they are not.
149. Accumulate bitter-enders and second-milers. The only way to do this is to be one.
150. It is not evil to plan things on the back of an old envelope; but don't lose it.

The Gospel in Three Limericks

Wrote this years ago but don't think it has ever been shared.

There was an old feller called God
Who found it exceedingly odd
That each generation
Of every nation
Should tread where they shouldn't have trod

Not wanting to count it all loss
(And seeing how he was the boss)
He sent to earth Jesus
To try and appease us
But we nailed him onto a cross

Three days later the people were led
To a place were some witnesses said
They'd a story to tell -
The deceased looked quite well
And not in the slightest bit dead.

Friday, August 28, 2015

Thought for the Day

When teenagers, my sons embarked on a mission to buy me the worst-taste birthday present possible. I have clockwork toys from this period including Stunt Grannies, Racing Nuns and a battle game with old folk called Zimmer Wars. My favourite of all I have in the studio this morning. He is Jesus on Wheels. Four inches tall with ball-bearing base and adjustable arms.

You can see his photo on the BBC Radio Bristol Twitter feed.

Bored with the game I fought back. What if I turned this toy into a popular icon? I began a process of sending Jesus on Wheels with any friends who were going to exotic locations. I have photos of him at Victoria Falls, Sydney Opera House, the Commonwealth Games and he has even played percussion in Paris with the London Symphony Orchestra.

Obviously today marks the pinnacle of his journeying career.

Two thoughts. Firstly, not being a great traveller, I have loved seeing the world this way, as photos of his exploits are sent to me. And accepting the slight risk that one day he may not return.

Secondly, it reminds me never to limit what something can become. If a small toy can explore the world how much more should I long to become all that God wishes me to be. Bible says we should let God transform us by the renewing of our minds. Then we will know his will, and obey it, just as this toy obeys my will.

I'll have him with me at the Trendlewood Community Festival in Nailsea tomorrow afternoon. Come and meet him on Golden Valley Fields from noon (I promised the organisers I'd crowbar that reference in). Go on. Be photographed with a true globe-trotting celebrity.

Monday, August 24, 2015


I am mainly talking to church leaders here but feel free to overhear.

Do you think we should stop for more than a second to consider the idea of not thanking someone because there are others who will get upset if they are not thanked?

Are there people in your church - long-standing members indeed - who have heard so little about what it is to be a Christian that they will waste emotional time and energy on being upset if they are not thanked?

I think of two recent examples where this had a devastating effect. In the first we were coming to the end of an induction service and the new priest was giving the notices. He chose to thank people who had contributed in any way. In any way. After five minutes we were listening to his gratuitude for the people who had built the church in the fiteenth century and were wondering if the guy who serviced the office photocopier was feeling miffed at not being singled-out. Then I spotted the priest's face. Clearly he had stepped off the edge of his notes and was now plumetting to a place where he could not face the idea of his ministry beginning with an overlooked unthanked person anywhere. We got out alive but the tea was cold.

Secondly, there is a church I know where the leadership have forbiden any people assisting with communion from offering the cup to anyone by name. This is, apparently, because it is embarrassing for those who are not addressed by name. They will feel left out. Christians are particularly good at guessing how others might feel about certain things and missing by miles.

So let me say this to members of the various churches where I serve:
  • I will usually thank lots of people after a service, event or programme but inevitably I will not get round everyone. Read nothing into this.
  • From time to time I will be rushing to get somewhere else and won't have time to do thanks. Read nothing into this.
  • Occasionally I will have so many people to thank I simply issue a general thank-you. Read nothing into this.
  • I will forget some names sometimes. Read nothing into this.
  • I will single out some people on some occasions for particular thanks. Read nothing into this.
In the same way as the workers in the vineyard didn't notice anything wrong with the terms and conditions of their employment until someone came along who apparently got a better deal so let us all work happily without acknowledgement and not be freaked out at the point where someone else gets acknowledged.

Any day you are not crucified is a good day. Everything else is a bonus.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Thought for the Day

As delivered just now at BBC Radio Bristol on the day of GCSE results.

GCSE day has arrived. Many young people around our region are waiting in some trepidation for their results.

I remember the day I got mine, although they were called O Levels in those days. I got some good results and some disappointing ones. Quickly I had to renegotiate my A level courses and, to the relief of the scientific community everywhere, became a historian and geographer for the next couple of years.

Eventually, after a short career in insurance, I went to university slightly later than most, studied theology and became a vicar - a job I have loved for the last thirty years. But not what I expected at sixteen.

If you find yourself comforting someone who is disappointed today it may help them to know that there are many back doors to success and happiness.

Who can add a moment to their life by worrying about it? Who can predict the turn their career will take? How hard it is to find someone with absolute clarity about the future at sixteen.

'Listen,' says James in the Bible, 'You do not even know what will happen tomorrow ... you are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.' Realists, these Bible folk.

Disappointing results may simply be God's way of eliminating physics and chemistry from your enquiries.

As my final tip to those who are happy today - if you want to be in the papers tomorrow try and be female, standing near a water feature and leaping in the air clutching a piece of paper.

Me. I have more time for the ones hiding behind the fountain in tears. It's not the end of the world and you need to know that.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Ministry Tips 101-125

101. Don't lean back on an unfamiliar chair.
102. Park in a distant parking place and leave the nearer ones for latecomers and poor walkers.
103. If you drink alcohol, designate drinking hours, say noon-3 and 6-midnight. Never drink outside these times.
104. Keep your house in such a state that you could show round a prospective purchaser in 20 minutes time. Or the Archdeacon.
105. Try and read something irrelevant to next week's sermon; be amazed how often it isn't.
106. Learn some generic open questions. If you don't know what this means, find out.
107. You learn things by looking out of city café windows.
108. Clergy saying psalms, canticles and responsories in the congregation are usually too loud.
109. Learn to welcome, enjoy and act upon all feedback; it is the only way to grow.
110. Praise good behaviour loads more than you criticise bad.
111. All the other people in the world also think the world would be a better place if everyone was more like them.
112. 'Most people overestimate what they can achieve in 6 months and underestimate what they can achieve in 5 years.' (Anon)
113. Improve the coffee if it is bad. It will take you 10 times as long to change the church as it takes you to do this.
114. New liturgical experiences are created when someone gets old liturgical experiences wrong.
115. If you have time to read a book on time management then you don't have a problem with time management.
116. None of us is as smart as all of us. Crowds are wise.
117. Try to have healthy refreshment options available at church events - fruit slices instead of biscuits or cake.
118. Be kind to people. It is amazing how many reports bishops receive of clergy being cruel.
119. Tell people how long the event will last. Don't over-run. It is all they will remember.
120. If you choose to wear a dog collar be aware that people will talk to it, not you.
121. If you end up having a pastoral conversation in the supermarket, don't block the aisle.
122. Build relationships with your natural communities - school gate, dog walkers, pub regulars, sports watchers...
123. If you hate ice-skating don't offer to take the youth group ice-skating. Etc.
124. There is a school of ministry that says it must be hard, painful and sacrificial all the time. This is bollocks.
125. In meetings, events and gatherings as far possible the audience should set the mood.

Friday, August 14, 2015


A few years ago I was taught a simple mnemonic to help assess how to deal with an interruption. For the sake of this it is assumed that I am in the middle of something important and am trying to decide if the interruption is more important than what I am doing:

Greet - say hello politely and do not continue the chat. Works for when passing people in the corridor or street.

Receive - take the letter or parcel they have given you, do not open it in their presence, and tell them when you will deal with it if they need to know.

Accompany - take them to the colleague they need to see if it isn't you. Or the underling who can handle it for you. Or the boss if it is above your pay grade.

Confer - set aside five minutes to assess if this is something important or not. Then do one of the other things.

Engage - drop everything. This interruption is your new priority. Take five minutes to renegotiate the deadline of the other thing, call and reschedule or diary time to complete.

See off - chase them out of town, call the police. Shout for help, hand over your wallet. Not necessarily all of these and maybe not in that order.

(This post builds upon #ministry tip 129)

(Thanks to Bryn Hughes of Marc Europe at the training course 'Management Skills for Christian Leaders' 1990)

Odd Socks Anyone?

There's a Facebook-connected game called Odd Socks which I play a lot. To get the truth out there, I have made getting on for 40,000 moves in this low-skill game over the last year or so.

If you haven't seen it don't worry. There is a washing line with socks on it. Touch two that match and they disappear. Random socks then appear from a washing-machine. You can swap socks from other players' discard piles and also with a gamebot called Susie. Swapping with Susie can only happen once a minute.

After discarding five socks you have to use game points to clear the bin. These points are built up 10 at a time by each matching. Clearing the bin costs 250 points. It is a well-designed and delicate game balance. If you don't want to pay real money to continue (I don't and never have) you will get about ten minutes play twice a day. Or one minute twenty times a day.

Why am I telling you this?

Back in the early days of PCs offices were full of people playing Minesweeper, Solitaire, Freecell and the like - during lunch breaks or while waiting for slow printers to work.

A chance chat with a colleague led us both to realise that we were using the games differently. Those games - and Odd Socks is the same - use just enough mental activity to keep your mind keen. But they also allow a lot of free left brain to ponder and think about other things.

I use these games, Odd Socks being the current help, to solve other problems. Whilst playing my mind is wandering over the day to come, anticipating things to look out for, stuff to say and tasks to do. I don't like surprises so try to avoid them. There may be something of the lawyer about me.

It is neither distraction nor displacement.

All non-players mock. They call me a time-waster. They joke that they would never have time for such a thing. Nobody who doesn't get it, gets it.

But I am a better-equipped person for playing. I almost don't expect you to believe me.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Curious Incidents

Mark Haddon's novel 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time' was a highly original piece of writing. The unreliable narrator has been an interesting literary device for many years. Haddon's narrator was a teenage boy, Christopher, with Asperger's Syndrome. Not unreliable but one who saw the world very differently to most of us.

Adapting the story for the stage has led to this current tour of a remarkable piece of physical theatre, cutting edge technology and amazing props on a minimalist set.

Using the premise that a teacher has spent her time with Christopher persuading him to turn his journal into a play, we find ourselves watching the play he will eventually write.

If it is touring near you do try and see it. It is one of my top five theatre experiences of all time. The set-pieces at the end of each half are outstanding and it is worth not leaving your seat after the curtain calls (as a promise to the audience, made earlier in the play is delivered upon).

It has left Bristol now but will doubtless be around for a while.

Thought for the Day

As delivered this morning on Steve and Laura at Breakfast (with Vernon standing in for Steve) on BBC Radio Bristol:

What makes you mad?

The cartoon character Popeye was portrayed as a down-to-earth sailor man until something, usually the dastardly activities of his nemesis Bluto towards his sweetheart Olive Oil, pushed him to the edge. At which point he would shout 'I can't stand it no more', neck a can of spinach and come out fighting.

Well it seems as if the people of our region have a lot of things that are leading them to say 'I can't stand it no more.'

Whether it is the presence of undesirable activities in Portishead, or the absence of desirable facilities in Hartcliffe or football-related issues that have driven Hallam councillors to resignation - it seems like you are all up in arms. And if those don't do it then traffic hold-ups or parking problems will often be the last straw.

My mind wandered to the Michael Douglas film Falling Down in which an unemployed defence worker frustrated with the various flaws he sees in society, begins to psychotically and violently lash out against them.

And then I thought of Jesus - well I'm a vicar you'd expect me to. In the Bible he sees the money changers and pigeon-sellers in the temple courts blocking the space where traditionally strangers were allowed to enter - the Court of The Gentiles. And he can't stand it no more. Animals are whipped and tables are over-turned.

Gentle Jesus meek and mild. Oh come on.

Christians, a wise old clergyman once said to me, should not be in the business of shouting for their rights, but of shouting for the rights of others.

So, to end with the worst sentence I have ever constructed. What can't you stand, no more?

Saturday, August 08, 2015

Missing Scripture

One of the joys of Daily Prayer is following the readings systematically through scripture. As one who does not give a glance to festivals such as the Feast of the Transfiguration it annoys me intensely if I find myself saying Morning Prayer with people who are strict about the lectionary rather than simply working out which readings to drop in. The sequence is broken.

Thursday was a case in point. We have started reading Mark's Gospel. It is a short gospel, perhaps the first to have been written down and worth reading in one go if you ever get a chance. Because it is short (sixteen chapters) almost every word is important. Missing out a section such as Mark 1:29-end (which we did) places you in some difficulty in understanding.

Mark has a question he sets for his readers. It is, 'Who is this man?' he wants us to work out who Jesus is for ourselves. In his account the first person who 'gets it' is a demon-possessed man.

 The crowd ask. 'What is this - a new teaching with authority (over demons)?'

So by the end of chapter one, when Jesus has gone to the home of a relative of a disciple to heal her, his reputation as a faith-healer is developing. Next day he gets up early to pray alone. When he gets discovered and is told he is being sought he says, and this is astonishing, 'Let's go somewhere else.'

He eschews healing for preaching. 'That is why I have come' he says.

If we omit these verses we may well feel that setting up healing ministries, doing Healing on the Streets, making healing the focus of our ministry would be a good thing. If w do read them we discover, as we will again and again in all the gospels, that healing is usually a response to an interruption, not an end in itself.

But we wouldn't let ourselves be so duped. Would we?

Thursday, August 06, 2015


In Brian McLaren's book A Generous Orthodoxy (Zondervan 2004) there is a chapter, towards the end, called Why I Am Depressed -Yet-Hopeful. It is a remarkable piece of writing and in the final paragraphs he implores the reader not to read on without pondering, praying, reflecting or taking a walk to breathe.

About what? Well many of us repent in order to forget. We say a quick sorry and put the offence out of our mind. McLaren's thesis is that the stories we tell, from individual, community and nation should, if they are to be helpful, include stories of repentance.

So he points out that Jews constantly remind the world that the Holocaust should not be forgotten but that actually this should be Germany's job. Afro-Caribbeans want the world to recall their origins in the slavery diaspora, but it should be the white westerners who do that.

So what are the stories of my past that I should constantly tell to remind the world that I am part of an individual and corporate repentance?

There are two. Firstly I live in the Bristol area. Much of the wealth of the city was built on slave-trading. Our stories about how we got here should always include that, with appropriate shame and penitence. It should leave us a strong desire to use our wealth, indirectly-generated, for the good of all people without exception.

Secondly, a grandfather I never met went to prison for business fraud in the 1930s. It is quite possible that some of the things I enjoyed as a child in the 1950s were, at least in part, ill gotten. I cannot undo this. But I can be open and honest about it and be as sure as I can, as my father did before me, to live generously and nowhere near such a crime.

It gives me a whole new angle on repentance. It also reminds me that the more I tell the stories the more they lose their power to harm me in the future. For nobody can drag up my past if I have walked with it as a constant companion.

Saturday, August 01, 2015

Ministry Tips 76-100

76. Diary reading and study time.
77. Bereavement visit. Not good to get embroiled in arguments about how the church has changed. Remember comments for later.
78. All invitations to become a disciple of Jesus should be accompanied by a health and safety warning.
79. There is nothing wrong with MBHA (Ministry By Hanging Around) but be conspicuous. MBH (Ministry By Hiding) doesn't work.
80. If you speak the truth it is easier to remember what you said.
81. There is no difference between really caring and apparently caring as far as the cared-for are concerned.
82. Most of us, most of the time, have no idea what we are doing.
83. Sometimes you should appear to have nothing better to do than wander around picking up litter.
84. The things you are in charge of should require most thinking time and least physical time.
85. Have a dirty-hands job you do without seeking accolades.
86. A good celebrant and a good referee have a lot in common. Create atmosphere, control proceedings, completely unnoticed.
87. Ministry is not all about doing; sometimes simply being is important too. Don't fill every hour with things to do.
88. Empty your filing tray then destroy it. Put all paper away at once.
89. Each time you file a piece of paper in the filing cabinet try and throw one or two pieces out.
90. Follow @johnnvtruscott for regular tips on all things admin.
91. It is probably worth paying someone to do your tax.
92. To work out whether to employ someone for a job you could do, cost yourself per hour and see if you can do it cheaper.
93. It is not a sin to spend extra time on the bits of your job you really enjoy.
94. Talk to children. Make the adults wait in line while you finish.
95. Stuck for conversation starter with children? Try 'I like your shoes'. Only use with adults if you actually like the shoes.
96. When someone shouts at you, respond in a quieter-than-usual voice and don't touch them.
97. 'Vision is the ability to remember the purpose of the work.' (C) Clucas The Fruit Game
98. No-one ever got criticised for dressing too smartly for an interview. Clergy should wear clerical collars.
99. Close files in the cabinet with paper clips. Remove them when using file. After a year archive files still clipped shut
100. If someone else is leading a service or office less well than you would have done, let them.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Conversation that never happened.

Liz: This leadership contest is creating a lot of negative publicity Jeremy. Do you think it would be a good idea if we had a smokescreen?

Jeremy: What, something to take the headlines away for a few days?

Liz: Yes. Any ideas Andy? Yvette?

Andy: Ooh Yvette.

Yvette: Is that you René?

Andy: No, it is Andy with the 'andle of the 'oover.

Liz: Wrong script guys. But you have given me an idea. We need someone to make some ridiculous sacrifice. Maybe drugs, prostitutes. Perhaps some old Lord no-one has ever heard of.

Lord Sewel: You called.

Liz: Yes. Please do not take this personally John but we need you to be photographed snorting cocaine off a prossie's arse cheeks.

Lord Sewel: Tough gig, let me think about it, OK finished, yes.

(Three days later)

Liz: Jeremy, we still have a problem.

Jeremy: I noticed. It seems that no-one believes anyone in the House of Lords is anything other than Tory and snorting cocaine whilst chairing the Standards Committee is exactly the sort of behaviour expected. They're still talking about me.

Liz: Ah well. Good try everybody.

Yvette: Maybe we should have used the fallen Madonna with the big boobies.

Andy. Ooh Yvette.


Monday, July 27, 2015

Supper's Ready?


Interior day. A man sits on a sofa reading the paper. A black labrador dog 'Diesel' pushes its head past the paper and licks the man.

Diesel: What time is it?
Man: 5.45
Diesel: Yay. Supper time.
Man: No.
Diesel. What? I always eat at 5.45.
Man: Here you eat at 6.

(Diesel walks round table twice)

Diesel: What time is it?
Man: 5.45 and 30 seconds.
Diesel: Yay. Supper time.
Man: No.

(Diesel fetches coloured scrunchy slobbery thing and places it on man's bare knee)

Diesel: What time is it?
Man: 5.46.
Diesel: It's not supper time yet is it?
Man: Take a wild guess.
Diesel: Suppose you forget.
Man: I don't think I will.
Diesel. Still, better safe than sorry. I brought you some slobber.

(Diesel lies at my feet and looks mournful for 45 seconds)

FX: voice off in next door garden.

Diesel barks.

Diesel: I saved you from attack. Is it supper time?
Man: Eight more minutes.
Diesel: 'kin joking.
Man: Language
Diesel: I may die of starvation in seven.
Man: I'll risk that; your owners already gave me the beer.
Diesel: Anyway, I've been thinking. How come you eat five times a day and me only twice?
Man: My gaff; my rules. Beer?

(Diesel walks round the table twice more)

I get up to get food after six more minutes, delayed only by tripping over a dog on the way and on the way back.

FX: eating noises

Man: What time is it?

Close up of dog and empty bowl then of clock showing 6.01.


Jurassic World

There's a moment in this film where the owners of the Jurassic World attraction discuss the motivation they had to genetically modify a dinosaur. They lament the fact that the visitor numbers had reduced and the boffin reminds the owner what he had said 'We need more teeth.'

Jurassic Park was a new genre of disaster movie but pretty much the only disaster that could occur was escaping creatures. It was well done but the premise was established. I never went to the sequel.

So one can well guess that the teeth conversation also happened in script meetings, in re-imagining the franchise. Numbers are down. How can we get every school kid in the world to see this in the summer holidays?

This latest effort is film-making by numbers. We pretty much know that the new big baddie is going to get out. We know the kids will be in trouble. We try to guess which of the supporting cast will be dinofood.

There are some questions to ponder. The creationists are nailed in scene one as it is made clear to the audience that this team reckons birds are descended from dinosaurs. As most scientists do. We are invited to wonder if genetic-modification should be controlled by ethical limits rather than money.

But it didn't need a film to do that. Take a movie-cliché bingo card with you and tick off everything from Mum telling the kids to be careful to the happy couple walking off into the sunset.

If you like escapism and have never seen screaming crowds running backwards and forwards in panic, go now.

Empire (4/5) and Roger Ebert (3/4). Usually reliable guides. They can't have been paid off? Maybe the 3D is better.

Pants on Fire

I am a liar. I have always been a liar.

That's better. Get it all out there.

Right. To business. You know those personality profile tests you can do? I always come out as highly intuitive. In Myers Briggs terms, if it is N or S I get 30-50 N every time.

My interest in statistics is because it is good for me; they are counter-intuitive and I have to stop and think (favouring T over F it is not all sacrifice). Daniel Kahneman's 'Thinking Fast and Slow' has been a helpful companion to me, reminding me to check my preconceived ideas regularly, challenge assumptions I have made and yet not lose the essential quick-wittedness that helps me get on and get stuff done.

But if you ask me a question - say cheese or ham in your sandwich - I will not think about it. There will be a day for ham and a day for cheese and a day for both and I'll just know. I may decide at the last possible minute, which scares some people. A colleague once asked me in a queue in a sandwich shop what I was going to have and was bothered that with my turn coming next, and before his, I still didn't know. I was almost tempted to ask the assistant to 'Make me a sandwich' on the basis that it was a sandwich shop and I like almost all sandwiches. I order food without over-contemplating and act as if the decision is correct from then on.

If you ask me which way a room should be set up for a meeting I will know and I will tell you. If you ask my why I chose that I will have to look at my decision and work out what reason there is and discover that, intuitively I went through a process of eliminating all the ways it would be wrong for the chairs to face and coming up with an answer. Sometimes all the ways the chairs could face will be wrong in some way so my answer, intuitively grabbed from the sub-conscious shelf, will turn out to be be the direction that has the least wrong about it. I have set out rooms a lot. Only occasionally do I re-check the working.

Showing my working involves analysing how I got there.

As a child I used to tell the truth. This got me into trouble:

Parent: Why did you do ... (Insert wrong thing here)?
Me: I don't know.
Parent (or sometimes a teacher): You must know. Everyone knows why they do things.

And so I discovered that life is easier for others if you have a narrative structure. So I invent stories that explain why decisions are right, after I have made them. Since occasionally my decisions are wrong my stories may well be lies.

Never was this more challenging than in the obviously right decision to encourage one of my church's PCCs to spend over half a million pounds on the old rectory next door during a clergy vacancy rather than see it fall into private ownership.

Almost everyone wanted to know the thinking. What was the vision? Why should we do it?

It would never have happened if I, or any of the other intuitives on the team who also got it, had insisted it was because we knew it was right. So visions were cast, stories were told, possibilities were discussed but at the end of the day it was a no-brainer. Even if it turned out we had no use for the building whatsoever we could always sell it, probably for more than we paid for it.

Asking an intuitive to show working is asking them to tell you something that doesn't exist. It is asking them to lie. And we are very good at it. We tell stories to fill the gap between our grasp of reality and yours.

Our stories are excellent because we have much experience. 'Was that true?' No, but the narrative demanded it at that point.

It follows that some of the stories I have told over my life, to show working or explain things, were not true, but with repetition I almost believe them myself.

By the way I don't mind my decisions being challenged. As long as you can explain to me what is wrong with mine and better about yours. And if you're intuitive too? Well we probably won't disagree but if we do we will really enjoy the exploration of the truth, probably over beer.

How do you feel about that? Before you answer take a moment to ponder how much you hated, and continue to hate, the parental/ authority answer to the question 'Why?'

Because I say so.

You always wanted a reason, and always will.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Talk Talk - Spirit of Eden

Somewhat renowned for the very late review I want to talk about an album from 1988. Why? Because I only heard it for the first time last Friday. Forgive me.

In the early eighties Talk Talk were, for me, a perfectly adequate synth-pop band. A slightly unusual vocal style gave them an edge over all the other Yamaha DX7 bands out there. The Party's Over, the debut album, has some fine singles on it but I didn't feel compelled to become a long-term fan or purchase any further works.

Recently Spirit of Eden has been cropping up on many music magazine lists of essential albums. I usually know the albums in such lists well and if I don't own them it is because, despite their essentialness, I don't like them. Spirit of Eden, I realised, I had never heard.

It is wonderful. Why is it essential?

Let's imagine that you are not a music lover and twice in your life someone has given you an album, 'Because you must have something to play at parties.' They have tried to please you but to keep it mainstream.

Your collection consists of Miles Davis' jazz classic Kind of Blue and Elbow's The Seldom Seen Kid. The former because that is what everyone owns if they think they ought to like at least something and the second because you accidentally watched the performance footage of One Day Like This at Glastonbury a year or two back and liked it. I believe this is a credible scenario.

You play the albums from time to time, wondering how music got from there to here, from 1959 - 2008. Although not enough to increase your collection.

Spirit of Eden fits in the gap. You can hear jazz chord progressions and shades of volume unusual in a 'rock' album that hark back to Davis. There are times of almost completely silence. But there is a strength of song-writing, a theme to the whole album and an up-to-dateness that, for 1988, was remarkable. Twenty years ahead of its time.

It would have been difficult to perform publicly. Rock venues are notorious for the volume of the audience. Rock audiences do not behave well in quiet passages. An Elbow gig I once saw suffered badly with this.

Spirit of Eden is haunting, beautiful, melodic, structured and its brief lyrical content has a poetic quality rarely heard in pop. Nothing lengthy but every word made to count:

'A gilded wreath on reason
The flower crushed conceives
A child of fragrance
so much clearer
In legacy.'

My next twenty years will be much improved by its presence.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Ministry Tips 51-75

51. Take parcels in for neighbours. You are around during the day. It makes up for your visitors parking across their drives.
52. Be sure you have understood the question. If in doubt, repeat it before answering it.
53. If faced with criticism try 'What precisely is it that is worrying you?'
54. If you are an introvert, check that you said 'Thank you' aloud. If you are an extrovert, check that you meant it.
55. Hospitality prevents hunger, dirt, discomfort and tiredness from spoiling the conversation.
56. Find out what radio stations your parishioners listen to and, even if they are not your bag, listen to them occasionally.
57. Every now and again buy a copy of every newspaper and compare.
58. If you have a reputation for awkwardness get things done by asking for the opposite of what you want (a friend told me).
59. @RevJFletcher 'Rules for Reverends' (BRF 2013) has good stuff in. It's funnier than this and Dave Walker done pictures.
60. Try and tell people what you think you just heard them say.
61. Remember that if you ever feel arrogant enough to be able to write ministry tips you will be held accountable to them.
62. It feels weird to be paid to pray but it is rather that you are compensated for not having a job in order to pray more.
63. When people say, 'You only work on Sundays' agree and laugh. Don't get defensive.
64. Beyond safety, don't have ridiculous expectations of tied housing.
65. Vicarage gardening is work.
66. When you stand up in front of any group of people, tell them who you are if you haven't been introduced.
67. Ministers get treated as very minor celebrities. This means being willing to be humiliated sometimes. Be OK with that.
68. If you ever think your life is tough remember that Randy Vickers really exists and is ordained.
69. Bishops get to speak the truth to power; most of us get to speak the truth to the powerless.
70. Remember these are not #ordainedministrytip or #professionalministrytip - anyone can join in.
71. Don't form a church badminton club if there is an existing one in town.
72. The welcomers should be in the car-park, whatever the weather.
73. If driving across a drawbridge into a palace for a ministerial review doesn't make you laugh you are in the wrong job.
74. If you have a personal freshness problem you will probably be the last to know. Ask someone you trust, from time to time.
75. Hospitality happens at the convenience of the guests, not the hosts.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Decorating Vicarages

How much care does the Church of England take over its housing stock? I have lived in tied housing for seventeen years of my ministry so have a few insights.

The quinquennial system, a five-yearly survey, ensures that properties are maintained to a reasonable standard. They are provided unfurnished although some properties include an office/study with some church stuff in it.

We used to be provided with a cooker but I don't think this is the case any more. I will find out soon as my cooker, an intrinsic part of a fitted kitchen, is near the end of its life.

I have found that work identified by the quinquennial is carried out promptly. I have also found that any safety issues are tackled quickly too. Blocked drains, leaning walls and sharp-edges have all been rapidly fixed.

But there are gaps. My vicarage has under-cupboard lights. They kept blowing the bulbs and an electrician advised replacing them. My diocesan property department told me they took no responsibility for such lights. So I replaced them at my own expense, saving me money on bulbs but also investing in a property I do not own. It would be churlish of me to refit the dodgy lights when I leave; but I would be quite entitled to.

And so to decoration. This is left to the parish and incumbent. Generously, local churches often redecorate houses between occupants. Mine had three or four rooms plus the hall etc painted in 2006. The Diocese have a small budget (£60 a year) to cover materials, which is great if the house is occupied by people who have plenty of free-time to decorate.

Three problems:

1. Most parishioner decorating is competent but not thorough. Doors are not sanded and refitted. Radiators not removed to paint behind. Walls not properly cleaned, primed and prepared. My pre-moving-in gang did quite well but they are unusual.

2. Houses with a quick throughput of ministers get redecorated more often than the long-stay versions.

3. A professional quote for hall, stairs and landing has seen three workers in my house for seven days. This cost is outside the scope of most clergy and also involves a substantial investment that cannot be withdrawn on leaving.

So I just wonder if there isn't a way to maintain the interior of a vicarage better without incumbent expense?

Thought for the Day

Today's thought, delivered at BBC Radio Bristol:

As I heard of heart transplant patient Kevin Mashford cycling from Bristol to Newcastle another name popped into my head. Louis Washkansky. Followed by that of Dr Christiaan Barnard. Hidden in my mind, but stuck there by constant repetition. In 1967 Washkansky was given the world's first heart transplant; Barnard the surgeon.

Washkansky died after eighteen days. He knew the risks. Without the transplant the future for him was very bleak. Today the complex operation is relatively routine.

In one of the Nailsea churches I serve there are several wall memorials to children. One eighteenth century family lost three under fives, probably to illnesses simple treatment could today cure. I never cease to be grateful that I have survived chicken pox and measles to be here.

And I've been stitched up a couple of times without pain. Thank you anaesthesia.

We are blessed to live in a time of amazing medical progress.

From ancient times we have had a simple mantra that health is good and illness bad. The stories of the Bible, especially of Jesus, all show disease or death interrupting the action and having to be dealt with. Take up your mat and walk again.

The people then asked 'Who is this man? Sickness obeys him.' Astonishing.

Broadcaster Garrison Keillor always ended his Lake Wobegon monologues with this. 'Well, that's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average.'

It is not possible for all our hospitals to be above average. But we do well to note that all are getting steadily better, as indeed, are we.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

1970s Rock primer

After a brief Twitter exchange last week a few of us got to wondering what eight tracks might best introduce someone to 1970s rock. Given that we then came up with a possible eight different sub-genres of rock (in the seventies - there are more now) here is a suggestion for a primer in the decade. Comments welcome, and indeed, expected.

Pub rock
Steve Gibbons - Johnny Cool

Prog rock
Yes - Roundabout

Rock and Roll
Quo - Rockin' All Over the World

Heavy Metal
Black Dog - Led Zeppelin

Fleetwood Mac - Don't Stop

Doobie Brothers - Pursuit on 53rd Street

Brinsley Schwarz - Surrender to the Rhythm

Rory Gallager - Tattooed Lady

Anticipating that this will cause more debate than theological posts.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Priest or Leader?

Interesting article by Graham Tomlin in the Church Times about balancing the two words 'priest' and 'leader'.

It is well argued with the suggestion at its conclusion that '...priestly leaders are those whose one goal is the blessing and flourishing of those in their care.' Well amen to that.

But what about anyone who feels their call is to one or the other? Is there any other way forward than squaring the circle?

Of course there is, but it requires a change of heart and mind.

For those, often but not exclusively, evangelicals who want to lead I say, why not? Get leading. Your view of priesthood is functional not ontological. What you need is to be able to appoint, and indeed anoint, local priests who can preside, forgive and bless. You can still exercise a prophetic ministry (although so can anyone in the church). But then you will not be side-tracked by the need to scrub around for eucharistic cover when you have a weekend off. You need permission to have an order of Levites.

For those who want to exercise a solely priestly ministry the answer is nearer at hand. You need to be a priest and allow your church leaders (Wardens in the C of E) to lead. If you want to block any of the things they want to do then you are more of a leader than you think you are.

There is usually, within the church, a simple, answer and a complex one. But we never reach for the simple one.

Tuesday, July 07, 2015

Thought for the Day

As delivered this morning on BBC Radio Bristol's Breakfast Show:

A few years ago I was absent-mindedly glancing down the list of the Queen's New Year honours in the newspaper when I spotted a name I recognised. A friend from a previous town had received an MBE for services provided during the London bombings.

I won't name him because he is incredibly modest and wouldn't want me to.

But on the 7th of July 2005 he was on one of the tube trains that was bombed and in the next carriage to the bomber.

It took some time to squeeze the story out of him. He had told very few others up until the announcement of his medal. It turns out that as people were running down the track escaping he climbed into the damaged compartment to help.

I thought about him the other day when I heard of the courage of the Tunisian hotel staff, shielding guests from the gunman.

You don't anticipate that, as part of a normal day, you might be expected to put your own life on the line, or climb into a burning tube train and see what you can do to help.

Jesus told a story of a guy who had such an abundant crop of grain he built extra barns to accommodate it so he could take it easy and live off the profits. In the story God says to that man 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you.'

Complacency, in the Bible, is the enemy of all the things God intends.

And a willingness to value your own life as no more important than that of the person in the next carriage seems to me to be the ally of all that God counts good.

Friday, July 03, 2015

Ministry Tips 26-50

26. Don't mess with the flowers.
27. Don't mess with the Mothers' Union. They know people.
28. People who have pet services should be familiar with the juxtaposition of a mop and bucket.
29. You can go to the cinema on a working day.
30. Become a regular in one or two pubs and cafés.
31. Ask people how they like to receive feedback.
32. If children point at you in the street and tell their parents they know you, stop and tell their parents who you are.
33. Read the local free papers. Send them news. Expect it to be mangled.
34. Be decisive on all trivial 50/50 calls - it makes you more friends than prevaricating.
35. Clarification. Even if you're a trained professional florist, don't mess with the flowers.
36. Be vaguely familiar with popular culture
37. Socks, sandals. Same sentence OK. Same leg not.
38. Be sufficiently generalist to know the next question to ask after 'What do you do?'
39. Give your own opinion rarely; ask others theirs a lot.
40. Leave all hired property tidier and cleaner than you found it.
41. Let the bride and groom make their own rings comfortable after the vows. If it don't fit, don't force it
42. Learn a few graces, blessings and ending prayers.
43. 1st joke you thought of won't be original; 2nd not funny. Try the 3rd. Only ignore this advice if you have great comic timi
44. People see more of your fingernails than those of most other professionals. Keep them nice.
45. Carry a handkerchief for your own use.
46. Come to terms with your own mortality.
47. Make your own book of quotes. Nobody else will use those ones.
48. Keep a record of what you preached, on what passage, when and to whom.
49. Have an adaptable talk of the month, ready for when you have to 'say a few words'.
50. Trust your next door neighbours with a key as soon as possible. Then you will rarely be locked out.

Wednesday, July 01, 2015

Thought for the Day

In the light of the suggestion that teachers should do more to try and spot young people in the process of being radicalised, here is my thought for the day from this morning as delivered on Breakfast with Steve and Laura on BBC Radio Bristol:

I like working with young people. Once, before the word was hi-jacked, I would have been happy to say I was radicalising them.

Young people push back on authority, examine rules to breaking point and assert individuality. The way to help development of character is to expose teenagers to all the conflicting ideas in the market place.

We must encourage questions, share discussions and never, force anyone to do anything they don't want to.

Someone once asked Jesus which was the greatest commandment. Pick one of the ten. His recorded reply was that we should love God with all our heart (cleverly summarising the first four) and our neighbour as ourselves (the last six pithily expressed).

He refused to be bound by the assumptions of the question.

But if we don't discuss what he meant by love we are in trouble. For some people say they love God so much they will shoot anyone who doesn't.

Rabbi Lord Sacks reminds us in a new book 'Not in My Name' that Christianity, Islam and Judaism are all rooted in Abraham. He calls this a humanising force.

By that human radicalism we insist on the dignity of every life, permit all to be people of faith in freedom and we stress that conflicts get resolved as peacefully as possible, however they start.

Whose fault is it that teenagers get radicalised by the wrong causes? All of us, for not allowing each and every radical opinion in the world to be heard, discussed and, if necessary, ridiculed and rejected. That's free speech. That's democracy. And that's why you can phone in and say the guy who did thought for the day this morning was an idiot, without fearing for your life.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Que Sera Sera

Guess what happened to the priest?

Gozo feels more like a building site than usual this year. For reasons best known only to the gods of local planning, three major development projects are taking place in three of the largest towns - Rabat, Nadur and Xaghra - simultaneously. These are three centres where a pavement cafe and a people-watch has always been a lovely way to pass a morning.

But the thing I really like about the island, and always have, is the sense of inevitability. Fatalism almost. Faced with a bit of a problem - a blocked road, a broken down car, a weather phenomenon - the average Gozitan will have a ten second rant, wave arms around a bit, and then work out how to make things better for everyone. There are no recriminations here. 'You drove down a one-way street. What the hell. OK. I will move my car. Keep coming.'

Here health and safety has not gone mad. It hasn't even visited the mental counselling team. It is not unusual to have to swerve in the street to avoid a builder in flip-flops up an unfooted ladder wiring up the Festa illuminations. Indeed this is probably an important initiation rite for trainee electricians. The hard hat is mainly used as an ashtray.

So we are not disheartened by the builders and have been back a couple of times to a super restaurant at the far end of the island which we often miss out of our tour. Every cloud.

I discussed this with a local a few years back. There was a news story about injuries to a young apprentice builder who had failed to walk around the top of the walls of a newly-completed house as challenged by his seniors. He said, and it has stuck with me:

'Last week a priest fell down a hole; what can you do?'

If even the priests (and this is place is incredibly Catholic) fall down holes, what indeed can you do?

He didn't know I was a priest. I hope they pulled him out.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Holiday Reading Recomendations

Here is what I got through on holiday this year. The mark out of ten indicates the enjoyment I got from it at the time and is no reflection on its literary standing:

Lee Child - Personal (5)
About two thirds of the way through this a poolside companion asked if I was disappointed. She said she loved Child but had found this one uninspiring. Strangely, the last third was disappointing. Loose ends were tied up a little too easily and Reacher headed off into the sunset less scathed than usual.

Joel Dicker - The Truth About the Harry Quebert Affair (8)
Lots of pre-match hype about this one which has been staring from the populist shelves for a few months. Well, believe the hype. A blocked writer heads off to visit his old college professor and in doing so finds a story to write about. Multi-layered and twisty. Loved it. Last 100 pages or so a real lesson in the art of the page turner.

Jim Crace - Being Dead (9)
A couple lie dead on the shore. Crace holds our hand as he tells us, with gentle beauty, who they were and what becomes of their bodies before they are discovered. Forensic, pathological, beautiful. Every sentence a joy.

Robert Harris - An Officer and a Spy (7)
Based on the story of the treachery that was almost buried and the innocent man who nearly took the blame. It is France, the 1890s, and some people think the Republic is more important than the truth. A spy novel set at a time when the speediest communication was the telegram, telephones were rare and people read the newspapers for the news.

John Updike - Rabbit Redux (8)
Updike's four-book Rabbit series is set at the turn of the decade every ten years from 1960. Here, the second volume, we learn of a new America as racism, Moon-landings and sexual liberation act as the cultural baggage.

R.J.Ellory - A Quiet Belief in Angels (8)
It is Georgia 1939. Joseph Vaughan is growing up in a small town where children are being murdered. We focus not on the investigation but on the effect this has on a community, looking for someone to blame; scapegoat if you like. Growing up and escaping from all this Vaughan finds it has its claws deep into him. We know from page one that Vaughan is eventually going to shoot the person he thinks is to blame. But we don't know who he is looking at as he tells his tale.

Nell Freudenberger - The Newlyweds (5)
George, an American man, and Amina, a Bangladeshi woman, meet on the internet through a dating web-site. They meet and settle down in the States but she wants an Islamic wedding on top of their civil ceremony and has set her hopes on getting her parents to join them. First half is set in the U.S. as Amina adapts culturally. Second half is the story of her returning home to arrange her parents' travel. I didn't like the characters. I also felt the story unravelled too slowly and got nowhere. Worthy but dull.

Sweet Tooth - Ian McEwan (8)
In the early 1970s Serena, a promising Cambridge graduate, is recruited by the secret services to run and promote the work of a promising writer, Tom, who might end up being read in communist countries. This is part of 'Operation Sweet Tooth'. But their relationship develops and she is left wondering how long she can keep her real work a secret. As with all McEwan there is a great pace to this narrative and no real clue as to how it will all work out. The ending is clever.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Ministry Tips 1-25

1. On a day when you don't have very much to do, don't do very much.
2. Repeat people's names back several times after first being told them.
3. Diary the travelling time before and after meetings.
4. If meeting is likely to generate things to do, diary the time to do them.
5. Take a lunch break.
6. Do the things that need most concentration at the time when you concentrate best.
7. Put paper away, even if you haven't dealt with it yet. Make a note on your 'jobs' list if you need to deal with it.
8. Walk round the lake (
9. Don't value the person you're with more than the person you should be with. Be punctual. Leave on time.
10. Be available to people you have delegated to but don't interfere.
11. Do things outside church.
12. Doing ten things well enough is better than doing one thing excellently. Excellence is a fraud.
13. Projects need a champion; you can't always be that yourself.
14. Find something specific and pathetic to be angry about; it will save you being inappropriately angry elsewhere.
15. Treating people as if they are pleasant makes them more pleasant.
16. Know that 1 in 10 upset people write complaints; 1 in 100 pleased people write thanks (source Julian Richer 'The Richer Way')
17. Take something to think about to a meeting where you won't be involved in every item.
18. Make yourself popular with wedding photographers; they will tell others.
19. Learn the names of the undertakers' bearers.
20. Use the names of the supermarket check-out staff.
21. Become especially knowledgable about something. Chapter of the Bible. Birds in your garden. A particular illness.
22. If you drive like a maniac it will get around.
23. Don't skip breakfast.
24. Don't read emails in the last part of your day. Certainly don't answer them if you read them by accident.
25. Reply to communication using the same means or make it more personal - never less. Don't email in response to a phone message.

Tuesday, June 09, 2015

Thought for the Day

As delivered at BBC Radio Bristol half an hour ago:

How easily we fail to appreciate progress. In twenty-five minutes time I will be eight miles from here posting a copy of this thought online so everyone in the world can see it.

'What?' says my younger self. 'Are you completely mad?'

And my great-grand-parents ask how I can get eight miles in twenty five minutes with a fifteen minute walk to the station.

'What's a station?', ask their grand-parents.

Progress. Regularly unnoticed. Often good.

But sometimes it comes at a cost and we have to discuss that.

Nempnett Thrubwell is a place every radio contributor should be required to pronounce in their audition piece. There, as we heard earlier, developers have observed the possibility of harnessing the energy from a life-giving ball of burning gas 92 million miles away. Some of the villagers say, 'Not here, thank you.' A solar farm would be ugly.

Who are the custodians of beauty standards? Is energy that is almost free more or less beautiful than attractive green fields while the houses are warmed by the coal from distant mines making others' homes grubby?

The psalmist reminds us that the heavens declare the glory of the Lord. That mountains and fields praise their maker and rivers clap their hands. The psalmist probably didn't have to watch the local sparrowhawk eating a pretty collared dove on my lawn the other day.

It's tough holding faith, beauty and reality together. Tennyson, creator of the expression 'nature red in tooth and claw' included these lines in the same poem:

I stretch lame hands of faith, and grope,
And gather dust and chaff, and call
To what I feel is Lord of all,
And faintly trust the larger hope.

Beautiful words.

Thursday, June 04, 2015

Thought for the Day

As delivered at BBC Radio Bristol this morning:

A clergy friend of mine posted on Facebook at the weekend. 'If this post gets 100 likes I will preach wearing a bikini.'

His post was followed shortly by a note-to-self not to leave his mobile phone lying around in church.

219 likes so far and rising rapidly. I'll let you know.

But here we go. A warm, dry June day is on the cards. Scimpy clothing weather although maybe not for preachers on duty.

But I wonder? Are you the sort of person whose mood responds to the weather forecast; or do you take each day as it comes whatever the conditions?

Do you tune in to the spirit world better in a thunderstorm, a heatwave or on a dull day?

I spent several years as a child in Birmingham looking forward to my one week holiday in Weston-super-Mare. In those days it was at least a three hour drive and I'm sure my sister and I moaned, 'Are we nearly there yet?' every ten minutes or so.

One of the sure signs we were nearly there was driving across Clifton Downs and then dropping down to the gorge and passing under the suspension bridge.

Well it's a warm and sunny Thursday morning and I've driven in the opposite direction of my childhood dreams to be here. The weekend weather is promising. We are 'nearly there' in flaming June.

The Bible tells us God can use weather effects to communicate. But watch out if he doesn't speak through the earthquake, wind or fire. There may be a still small voice of calm whispering in your ear. It may not be telling you to display your flesh in the pulpit, but do try and listen to it.

Monday, May 25, 2015


I wrote down the name of this little film a few months ago having read a review somewhere which obviously intrigued me. Then I forgot all about it until I saw the DVD for sale. I commend this particular practice for this particular film. It would be good to watch this film without knowing how it is going to work. It is better if it dawns on you after a while.

It has a very unusual premise. About ten minutes in I remembered what it was. Trust me when I say that this film is worth watching. It is a suspense film. It is a thriller. And in case anyone has ever said to you that something is about as exciting as watching concrete dry then they are wrong. This is about laying concrete and it is exciting.

We meet Project Manager Ivan Locke (Tom Hardy in a brilliant performance) as he drives away from a deserted site. We learn very early on that he is going to be missing on the most important day of his working life (tomorrow) because something more important, personally, has come up.

Can he talk other people calmly through the necessary complexities of a massive concrete-pour whilst battling the inner voice of a father who deserted him and explaining the circumstances of his absence to his family?

The answer takes eighty-two minutes. Locke is in every scene. Gripping. And breaks a lot of the rules of movies to be so.

Friday, May 15, 2015


Before I heard you play at all
Your face adorned my bedroom wall
A pull-out poster which came free
With Sounds, or was it NME?

But then, with no appropriate shoes
I learnt the simple twelve bar blues
Your grimace looked down from afar
At bent notes on my air guitar

An anthem from the southern poor
Played on the step outside the door
You woke up every morning down
The dog had died; the girl skipped town

You proudly told the newsroom hoards
You'd never really mastered chords
So U2's Bono, your new chum
Did Rattle while you offered Hum

Not for you the rock or roll
The blues is meant to take a toll
So now you're gone; we'll grieve away
A slow one in the key of A

That Gibson is at least unplugged
The road crews' gear no longer lugged
The final feedback fades and falls
There won't be any curtain calls

Love came to town, you caught the train
We'll never see your like again
Your peers acknowledged you number one
Woke up this morning BB - gone