Second Class

I know that occasionally we learn stuff that, maybe, we should have known. Perhaps this is something I never really thought about. But why, why pray, do we have a second class stamp?

It occurs to me that since all my letters get dumped into the same post box there must be some early process (which costs money) to separate the first and second class mail.

A Royal Mail employee confirms this. The second class mail is sorted, put on one side and added to the next day's sorting.

Now forgive me for thinking the unthinkable, but if that happens then the same amount of mail is being sorted everyday and it takes one extra process than it need take to get to that point. So if someone could find enough money for overtime to sort one extra batch of second class post on one day then we'd have caught up, the second class system could be abolished and the price of a stamp could meet in the middle. Simples?

God is Not Great

I have just finished reading Christopher Hitchens' above-named book. He is, to some extent, the hard man to Dawkins' soft man. His is the text of the tabloid essayist masquerading as high-brow. Time and again the expressions of religion he chose to beat up totally deserved their mauling. The God he does not believe in, who is not great, is the God I don't believe in also. Daily Mail targets rarely move fast. He hits them, again and again.

I think, like so many current apologists for secular humanism, he cannot abide the idea of a thoughtful, non-prescriptive, biblical liberalism. Those of us who say, 'Check it out for yourself' and force nothing down anyone's throat are the ones who are really unbelievable to him. We've found our meta-narrative; we believe there is reality behind it.

Dawkins' argument, that evolution taught us that the earlier creatures would be simpler than the later so God can't be more complex than creation, can be demolished by saying that if you are looking for a god in an evolutionary chain you are clearly looking in the wrong direction. You will find that sort of god at the end not the beginning. Not that I believe in Dawkins non-god. So what of Hitchens' non-god?

Yes, religion has killed. Yes, scriptural texts borrow from each other. No, religion doesn't make people 'behave.' Yes, arguments for the existence of God from design are flawed. And yes (and some Christians might struggle with this), some forms of Sunday School are closer to indoctrination and thus child abuse than education. What does this prove?

Hitchens really hates fundamentalism - I suspect he would hate it in any guise, not only religious. Creationists, zealots, the militant, hell-raisers and those who promise eternity with 72 virgins ('Can't I have one woman who knows what she's doing?' said Clive James) all deserve their put-downs. And Hitchens does do it rather well.

But the problem for me, as ever, is this. The god he disproves is too small. The god he hates is indeed not great. Not at all. I think I have caught a glimpse of the likeness of the invisible God. I like what I see.

Long Drop of the Week

SNP spokesman:

'Once we stood on the precipice; now we've moved forward.'

Eh?

BBC news at 10.00 last night. '35% of 16-24 year olds looking for work are unemployed.'

And the other 65%?

Spoiled Memories

At the end of our Silver Wedding anniversary party back in 2002 we took one of the decorative, grey if the truth be told, helium balloons and let it go. We watched for ages as it disappeared into the distance; a sort of metaphor of something approaching an ongoing life together and it was really jolly poignant and about as close as I get to romantic without a good run up. I treasure the memory, a phrase I promise not to write very often.

Reading the Guardian last Saturday I learned that these plastic monsters usually deflate over the sea where creatures which normally consume jellyfish eat them. And then die horribly. Now, instead of a vision of walking hand-in-hand with Mrs T into the future, I have a vision of a turtle in agony.

Ah well. Seven years is long enough to treasure a memory (oops). Time for a new one.

Murrays Restaurant

If you haven't found Murrays in Hill Road, Clevedon it is a gem. It continues to offer fine Italian food made with good local ingredients. Last night I had an excellent starter of squid with rocket, lemon zest, olive oil and a hint of chilli. Followed it with a main of beautifully cooked venison with potato cake (layered, with mustard seds in the mix) spinach and girelles. Had to have a chocolate tart for pud. It was there. Good bottle of chianti too.

My companions had equally lovely food of which a main of braised rabbit with Tickenham potatoes, peas and tomato gravy looked fabulous and the pick of the things I wanted to taste.

Good ice creams and sorbets as a dessert alternative, wonderful cheese board and a fine pizza menu for faster eating. Prices mid-range but some quite expensive wines on the list.

Blackbirds

Blackbird chicks first appeared in our garden in the spring, staying close to feeding parents and going crazy for food. It is fun to watch them growing up. Two are learning the ropes right now, jumping up into bushes and finding grubs to eat. Picking insects off the underside of our garden chairs.

But they haven't mastered water. We have a bird bath. It is quite shallow so they can paddle in it. We also have an old water tank full of deeper water. I think one of the immatures reckoned that all water must be bird-bath depth. It stood on the edge of the tank. It leaned in. There was a splash. Then it had to spend ten minutes on the fence with its wings out, trying to get dry.

Jumping in without planning. It's over-rated.

Unhappy Birthday John Calvin

John Calvin's 500th birthday passed me by last week but I think it is worth a brief observation that he is probably the most famous Christian theologian I have never read. When I was at college there was a joke going the rounds. It was said that Calvinists didn't allow husband and wife to have sex standing up for fear that it may lead to dancing.

I think this joke told me everything I needed to know in order to make a concerted effort not to read him and to avoid any examination questions about him. A working knowledge of Luther, now filed under 'obsolete' in my compartmentalised brain, got me through Reformation History.

I seem to recall something about a theology of total depravity.

Maybe the late H.L. Mencken got it right when he described Puritanism as '...the terrible fear that someone, somewhere might be enjoying themselves.'

Weather

A few years ago Trendlewood Church began having a weekend away at home. The aim is purely social - lots of events to which people can be invited as guests - and from Friday evening to Sunday lunch there are several things from which to chose. You can go to all the events or none.

Saturday day time involves several outdoor events and the weather forecast for BS48 was really grim. We were promised light rain from 10.00 until 15.00 then heavy rain. As it happened all the event organisers went for it and a day on the beach, a cycle ride, a tacky shopping trip and a walk in the country all involved more sunscreen than umbrella.

Three minutes after we got back from our walk the heavens opened and the heavy rain began, persisting all evening so that a barbecue was, as usual in England, enjoyed huddled under gazebos.

Sunday's forecast was equally poor and a huge shower fell at about 0900 so we took the decision to move our lunchtime picnic in the park to our house. It was lovely all day and I have never seen so many people sitting on the chairs in our garden while children played board games in a sweltering conservatory. Not a drop of rain had fallen by dusk.

Today the forecast says 'light rain' for 0700. It is a beautiful Somerset morning and I am about to put the washing out for a bit. If we can't even get the weather that is happening right now correct what chance have we got of forecasting it?

Bristol Underground Church

I've had a nice letter from this organisation, depicting ten smiling young people, about their work in Nailsea recently and asking for some fliers from our church. I intend to try and meet them for a chat.

Googling only produces one hit, and that this description of being evangelised on the streets of Stoke Croft by someone not interested. Anyone know any more?

The letter writers call themselves Apostle Simon and prophetess Bridget.

Thought for Friday

Keep your shades on
When you clean your teeth

(The Alabama 3 Monday Don't Mean Anything from the album MOR)

Word from Wraxall

We decided to say evening prayer in the church yard, it being too nice to sit in a dark chapel. And so we recited the psalms as ancient bricks witnessed in the wrong direction. We read of Samson as builders carried substances up the path to their project. What a blind alley revenge is. Who could imagine setting fire to foxes tails? We noted Paul's longing to preach the gospel where Christ was not known as we sat on walls that have known him for ages. I think I got in touch with my inner Ronald Blythe. Curious short-cutters nosed in our direction.

'Are they?'

'Yes dear, I think they are ... praying.'

We recited the evening office as swallows called in reinforcements to buzz a magpie. The traffic could have been a mile away, not the few yards it was.

The sun had lost its full heat but was delightful in the way only a Somerset evening can be. Better than candles.

'Shall we bring a bottle of wine for afterwards next week?' said the Rector. And do you know children. I rather think she might.

Tory Leader

I've seen enough of David Camera-on to make my mind up. I think I would like to make the acquaintance of David Camera-off. I have no idea what he's like, what he really thinks, what his policies are, what his political philosophies are or anything.

Are we doomed to get another election campiagn where candidates vie not to tell us what they will be doing but scare us with what they tell us the others will be doing. We're cleverer than that.

Hit it with a what?

'That's a ganglion that is,' said the prayer ministry team as they prayed for my wrist. They were right. Perhaps they should become doctors. It didn't get any better.

'That's a ganglion that is,' said Mrs T. Shall I hit it with a book? I went a bit weak-kneed at this point. I've heard of hitting ganglions with books (and indeed Doctor Bell once teased Mrs T that he was going to do that to one she had but he successfully scared her into getting better - good doctoring that) but that was before I realised that in the wrong position they hurt like blazes.

'I'll hit it with a book,' said curate colleague and friend Richard simultaneously from separate counties. Why this enthusiasm for hitting me with a book? Don't answer.

So the doctor I saw today confirms it is a ganglion but made no offer to hit it with a book. Five days of strapping and anti-inflamatories and then four weeks of wait-and-see. If no joy then time for people to cut into me and see if I bleed.

So friends? Any wisdom. Hitting ganglions with books? Is that just for the soft ones in non-awkward places. Or should I toughen up?

Mixed metaphor of the week

Two contenders:

From the pulpit last Sunday evening:

Let's throw that in the melting pot and see what sticks.

And from a Standing Committee discussion on buildings projects:

We have to have those trip wires otherwise we're swimming in the open sea.

Fantastic.

July 4th

The Diocese of Bath and Wells celebrates its 1100th birthday in Glastonbury this Saturday with a bit of a do. Consider coming along to join this. Should be a fun day with interesting seminars, worship, children's activities and a chance to meet in a massive group for a change. Details here.

Anniversaries

This year, on September 30th, I shall have been ordained 25 years. How should this occasion be marked? The picture is of my priesting in 1985. Note mullet, 'tache, grey shoes and smugness (before you all say).

Jesus On Wheels 3

And here he is at the spiritual home of the Rev'd Ian Paisley. Perhaps we ought to take a moment for a caption competition. I rather think so. Go.

Jesus On Wheels 2

And here he is arriving in Belfast last Tuesday morning about to go to St Lucia. Love the 'proof' Ali.

Jesus on Wheels

He hasn't had many adventures for a while but suddenly has globe-trotted. The shot in the Alps was taken in the French resort of La Rosiere (with Les Arcs visible in the background) and the airport is Grenoble.

Bats

Saw a lovely bat flying around the church yard last night. Bigger than a pipistrelle I reckon. Was chatting about this later and I told an old joke.

Clergy were discussing how to get rid of bats in their churches. The best suggestion was from an old, country parson who said, 'Well I baptised all mine and then had them confirmed; haven't seen them since.'

You probably heard it before. Thing is, as far as one of our group was concerned, someone not familiar with Christian ways but having lived four decades or so, you could see the tumbleweed blowing down her street. Why it was funny simply didn't register. People don't just not get baptised and confirmed any more, they don't even know what those things mean.

So anyway. How do you get rid of bats, a protected species? Another friend, who was once a country vicar, told me this. Bats are protected. But they won't live easily alongside pigeons. Pigeons can spread up to 37 different types of disease. You can't easily get a grant to remove pigeons from a church. Rats will, if hungry enough, eat pigeon eggs and chicks. Rats spread fewer diseases than pigeons but you can, often, get a grant to remove rats.

So, using the laws of the Church of England, he suggested that if you have bats, introduce pigeons then, when the bats have gone, introduce rats, then when the pigeons have gone, get a grant to remove the rats. Easy. If only. But a good story.

Sticky

see more Funny Graphs

My Week - Last Week

It was interesting to post my diary for last week. To some extent it explains why quantifying hours of clergy work is so complicated. It is for this reason, perhaps soon to change, that we are treated as stipendiary - set aside from the necessity to earn our living in order to serve full-time - rather than salaried.

However a certain amount of 'duties' comes with the territory. Last week I was available for six days (did you spot which day was the day off, readers?) and, conservatively adding up I reckon I did 65.5 hours duties.

I also did 2.5 hours work for the Church of England Newspaper for which I will receive £45 at some point in the future.

Last week the phone rang very little - emails have reduced the number of phone calls to the Vicarage and enable communication to be less intrusive. Only one phone call was longer than ten minutes and that was prearranged. I have two emails left to deal with from last week, twelve from during my holidays, and eight from before my holidays. Given that there were over a thousand in the in-box last Monday, that is pleasing.

Part of my duties included drinking wine, eating lunch and breakfast, reading and chatting with nice people.

I didn't spend long enough in sermon preparation but there are some weeks where a good filing system and 32 years experience in public speaking ministry are a blessing.

Pick another week in about six months time (don't give me too much notice) and I'll do it again.

Thanks to David Keen for the observation about my 24 hour clock going wrong one day. Cheeky git.

My Week - Sunday

0700 Get up and spend time at desk in prayer and preparation. My crushed finger is an interesting colour. Head a bit spinny.
0750 Take Mrs T coffee in bed, shower, dress and eat breakfast
0830 Travel to Holy Trinity for...
0900 Holy Communion (preach) and assist colleague, presiding for the first time
1030 Holy Communion (preach)
1245 Celebration lunch for colleague's priesting
1500 Home; break
1820 Travel to Holy Trinity for Evening service. Enjoy a service with no responsibilities apart from listening carefully to student sermon (excellent). Asked to pray at the end.
2010 Home; knock off.

What Reggie Did On Thursday

Pulling into Tescos to use the cash-point I could only park quite a way from the machine. As I walked towards it across the car park a vehicle drove in too fast, parked across two disabled spaces, and the occupant jumped out and joined the queue, niftily, in front of me.

'Excuse me, are you disabled?' I asked.
'Only be a minute,' he said.

I returned to my car and opened the boot, removed the floor cover and took out the wheel brace.

I returned, observed the man take his place at the Link machine and noted down his PIN. As he turned to face me, holding his pristine £30, I swung once and heard the satisfying crunch as machined metal contacted knee cap. He swore and collapsed. I took his wallet, which he had dropped and drew out another £100 which I stuffed deep into his car exhaust, followed by the wallet.

I took one of the small stickers from my own wallet, the ones that say:

I park in disabled spaces when I'm in a hurry

I placed it on the windscreen of his car, in his line of vision from the driver's seat.

I took my own money out of the cash point and, pausing only to smash his other knee, walked back to my car and on to Morning Prayers.

My Week - Saturday

0730 Wake up. Take coffee back to bed. Read in bed.
0830 Get up; make breakfast.
0900 Print off and check last minute details for ordination service. Shower and change. Travel To Holy Trinity.
0930 Arrive at HT. Set up communion vessels. Crush finger between safe door and desk. Administer ice whilst wonderfully efficient Church Warden asks for details for the accident book. Exacerbate injury signing accident book.
1100 Service
1220 Photos, clearing up and smooching
1330 Pop to pub for quick pint with clergy friend and Mrs T
1415 Lunch in the garden. Make shopping list for tonight (Trendlewood social event) and tomorrow.
1445 Drive to shop to get food. Test Mrs T's new satnav
1600 Cup of tea and a break
1730 Start setting up for tonight (10 guests for a wine-tasting evening)
1830 Check details for tomorrow's sermons
1910 Co-hosts arrive
1930 Guests arrive. Taste wine. Demanding this ministry lark isn't it?
2330 Guests leave; clear up
2350 Knock off

My Week - Friday

0700 Read papers in bed. Hear the news that Michael Jackson has died.
0800 Communicate one or two things from last night's meeting to parish office. One urgent email. Listen to Radio 4.
0830 Read online tributes to Jacko, surf a little and play online game.
0900 Play keyboards a bit
0915 Surf some more
0950 Make breakfast and listen to CD, having first reprogrammed cooker and stereo after power cut
1055 Surf some more then off to gym, dropping off the keys left from last night to the owner on the way.
1300 Pop into Bristol to get a few DVDs and a CD
1415 Tescos
1445 Lunch watching Wimbledon
1515 Watch movie and do ironing of post-holiday washing. Accept request from Urban Saints to write 1,200 words about Michael Jackson - deadline Monday evening
1800 Watch news and take notes
1830 Cooking and The Now Show on Radio 4
1900 Listen to new CD (new Kasabian - excellent)
1930 Drink with Mrs T as she arrives home, then supper
2030 Evening watching Glastonbury (Ting Tings have come on a bit since I last saw them), the news and Michael Jackson tributes followed by search for old Jacksons vinyl singles. Especially enjoy State of Shock (with Mick Jagger) and Going Places (1977)
2040 Turn in

Not Holidays

Strange things holidays. I love them, then want to get home, then when I'm back I wish I was on holiday again. No-one can exist on a diet of the best of everything all the time; it would simply raise your standard of what is the best and you'd need to earn more money to afford it.

Gozo, where I have been for my holidays these last few years, is a small island next to Malta and its principle attraction (forgive me) is that you're not there. In summer it is hot, dusty and the insects nip. It is interesting but not particularly beautiful. People are helpful but not over-bearing.

I relax, swim, sit in the sun, read, eat good food (restaurants excellent), explore a little and reacquaint myself with Mrs T.

'Is it me,' I say to a colleague, '...or has the parish speeded up while I was away?' We conclude that indeed it has, but also that I've slowed down and the combined velocities are a mismatch.

In late 2007 I joined a health club, a step up from the council gym. I confess that the attraction, inter alia, of a large outdoor pool round which to sit and read on a day off, was very powerful. Last year the number of Fridays when this was facilitated by the British weather was a no score. This week has been hot and dry and I thought I might break my duck. Clutching for the positive I count the rain falling on my green garden and my pitter-patter amplifying conservatory as a blessing.

This is a green and pleasant land. All the birds are not sparrows and pigeons. Yesterday 36 starlings breezed into my small garden and cleaned the lawn. Martins and swifts swoop overhead. Dust lasts but a short time, dismantled by water. It's good to be back.

New proverbs

I sometimes drop into the site 1001 Rules for My Unborn Son. It's a set of interesting proverbs for today. I particularly liked:

You don't get to choose your own nickname

Once a Willy, I am glad most of my school friends are no longer around.

My Week - Thursday

0715 Up and shower
0730 Put out dustbins and green waste
0740 Breakfast at computer, preparation for Quiet Day later
0900 Morning Prayer
1000 Quiet Day (hosted at my house 6 guests)
1600 Last guests leave. Tidy up, plan evening meal for 10 and then shop.
1700 Break
1830 Prepare Food for 18-25s group (Nailsea young adult Christians)
1900 First two arrive for chat and help with catering
2000 Eat and then spend time on answering questions arising from their month's Bible studies
2215 Tidy round and find wallet and house keys. Try and contact owner but computer goes down as I search for phone number due to power cut in thunder storm (twice). Eventually send text to a friend of the owner
2245 Knock off

My Week - Wednesday

0715 Washing, dustbins, tidying.
0730 Emails and administration
0800 Blog post on holiday reading recommendations
0840 Breakfast and shower
0930 Head for Tickenham via Holy Trinity for Communion
1000 Communion
1045 Gym
1230 Admin, emails and filing
1300 Travel to HT to meet placement student. Lunch and reflection.
1430 Home via shops
1445 Desk for admin (including six months expenses - oops that's bad practice but hooray - that pays for the holiday)
1715 Travel to Christ Church for Local Ministry Group weekly Evening Prayer
1815 Prepare supper
1900 Eat supper with placement student and Mrs T
2000 Check emails and knock off

Holiday Reading

As Mustard Seed Shavings takes its annual holiday early it is delighted to offer the following review of its holiday reading:

The scoring system is simply how much I enjoyed each at the time and is not, in any sense, comparing a racy page-turner with a well written and cleverly constructed narrative. I need to start my holidays with light reading so I began with two page turners:

A Snowball in Hell: Christopher Brookmyre (6/10)
A serial killer is at work and it seems to be new celebrities, TV talent show winners, footballers wives and tabloid journalists who are going to be the victims. Very funny, great satire, people die horribly and somehow you hope the killer won't be caught just yet. A romp.

Mystery Man: Bateman (6/10)
Black Books meets Inspector Clouseau. The more you find out about the hero the more flawed he becomes, yet the more you will him to succeed. My first Bateman. Won't be my last. 'Murder. mayhem and damn sexy trousers' says the cover. Quite.

The Abstinence Teacher: Tom Perrotta (7/10)
Ruth is a US high school teacher who is required, due to a change of school management, to teach abstinence in her sex education classes. How does it feel to be a liberal faced with the power of the Christian right? Thought provoking. Good story. Well written.

The Northern Clemency: Philip Hensher (9/10)
Two families meet in Sheffield 1974. The story visits them again in the mid 80s and mid 90s. Wonderful narrative history of two decades, encapsulating the UK's move from manufacturing to service-providing in the context of delightful, and very moving, overlapping stories. Best book I've read for ten years or so. Booker nominated.

The Gum Thief: Douglas Coupland (5/10)
A relationship develops by Post-it Note in a stationery store. One of the main characters is writing a novel and we read many extracts from it. All Coupland's writing is a metaphor for our times. Not my favourite, this.

Who Runs Britain? Robert Peston (7/10)
The wealthy, would be his answer, who have politicians eating out of their hands. Well argued and analysed but slightly unsatisfactory. You would expect a business correspondent to conclude that business ran Britain, but is that the whole story? He writes better than he speaks. Fewer ers to the dozen.

Nothing to be Frightened of: Julian Barnes (7/10)
One of our best contemporary novelists takes a break from fiction to produce an entertaining, and highly thought-provoking, discourse on what it means to live in the shadow of your own death. Opening sentence, 'I don't believe in God, but I miss Him.'

Tomorrow: Graham Swift (6/10)
Paula lies awake in bed contemplating the news she and her husband will be passing on to their sixteen year old twins the next day. As the book progresses you are trying to work out what that news might be. Insightful about parenting and the wisdom of protecting children from the truth.

To Kill a Mocking Bird: Harper Lee (8/10)
Each holiday I try and take something with me that I should have read by now but have never, somehow, got round to. Race and class in the Deep South of the US, 1930s. Brilliant, but oh so sad.

His Illegal Self: Peter Carey (9/10)
A bunch of hippies kidnap a seven year old boy who falls in love with the itchy, bitey, sticky Queensland to which he is taken. He doesn't want to leave. Carey is an Australian working from New York and much of his work explores the relationship between the two continents. I think Carey is the finest living writer of prose we have. His sentences can make me whoop with delight.

My Week - Tuesday

0700 Finish a book I fell asleep with last night
0730 Shower
0745 Prayers, reading and preparation
0845 Breakfast meeting with youth worker, phone message
1000 Staff meeting
1200 Chat to placement student, check emails, phone call
1230 Pastoral appointment
1345 Lunch
1445 Ordination rehearsal
1630 Home via Tescos
1645 Prepare for evening meeting and check emails, chat to placement student
1800 Prepare meal whilst chatting to placement student and checking Andy Murray's Wimbledon progress
1900 Eat meal with wife and placement student
1930 Members of meeting (Trendlewood Committee) get a drink if they arrive early
1945 Meeting starts (ends 2130)
2140 Ironing
2205 Watch news and then blog this
1100 Bed

My Week - Monday

I threw out a challenge a few weeks ago that I would blog the first week from my diary randomly requested. Pauline suggested this week so I gladly oblige. First day back after holiday.

0730 Wash and shower
0800 Working through thousands of emails from holiday whilst eating toast
0900 Morning Prayer
0945 Weekly meeting with Curate colleague
1100 Back to those emails and writing column for Church of England Newspaper (2 phone calls)
1300 Break
1345 Communion training with Curate colleague in preparation for her first communion as a priest this Sunday
1515 Home via Tescos
1545 Prepare for meeting and continue with email trawl, eat sandwich
1750 Meeting at Christ Church re future service
1930 Talk to Mrs T and prepare supper together then eat (1 phone call)
2015 Finish column, blog and archive last month's, write this entry
2130 Knock off

CEN May 2009

Have you been looking sideways at your vicar recently and wondering if her expenses claim shouldn't have included duck house maintenance and moat cleaning? Time to familiarise yourself with the contents of the Clergy Discipline Measure. There's a procedure to follow.

Better news for clergy is that '...since 2002, the Church of England has been reviewing the terms of service under which clergy hold office. New terms and conditions will be conferred on clergy through Common Tenure. It preserves the historic office holder status of parochial clergy, whilst giving them rights broadly equivalent to those of employees.' The web site from which the quote is taken has a timetable for when this might all happen.

If you would like to track down a vicar of old you might like to try the Clergy Database. It now has over one million records of clergy in Britain from 1540 – 1835. Very few live ones, although that country church we visited on holiday...

If you spend most of your life with an MP3 player for company and a permanent soundtrack in your ears you will probably have found Spotify. It's legal and free access to a huge library of music. The basic version (which you have to be invited to join and then may involve a waiting list) is free but adverts come along every few tracks. The premium version is without adverts but costs £9.99 a month. The whole thing is a combination of music downloading and social networking.

Muddy River Media is '...a registered, non-profit mission society which exists to consistently provide free, quality media resources for churches using the internet as the primary delivery tool.' There are PowerPoint backgrounds, illustrative videos and much, much more. Brilliant.

Of all the crazy things I discovered you could buy on-line, Catchafallingstar takes the biscuit. The name is a bit of a clue. Buy your very own meteorite or bit of one. That site appears genuine, but for a pointless romantic gesture how about naming a star after a special person.

Starlistings will allow you to do that for just £25. The small print says, 'Please note that naming a star for someone is a beautiful and symbolic gesture which makes a stunning and unique gift, but your star name will not be used or recognised by the astronomic or scientific community, and no legal title is inferred or implied.' For £5 I'll name one of my pens after them instead. Cash only please.

If you prefer geography to astronomy then try the Geography Zone. Their challenge is to represent your country and correctly identify ten other countries on a map. It's a giant experiment to find out which nation is best at geogo. I tried it and two of my ten were St Kitts and Equatorial Guinea. Not that easy then. I got five out of ten. I accidentally clicked on Luxembourg when aiming for France. Currently the Philippines are winning and the UK is 60th.

Talking of geography, if carbon-guilt hasn't got you yet, 1,000 Places To See Before You Die is the ultimate tick-it-off list.

Now, if you need some particular therapy yourself there are several noteworthy sites you might try. Beat is the working name of the Eating Disorders Association, the leading UK charity for people with eating disorders and their families.

Therelationshipspecialists (one of the web presences of sexual psychotherapist Paula Hall) offers confidential advice on sexual problems. There is an initial consultation fee of £25.

Anger Management Online offers a help course (for a fee) but without leaving your desk. I like the quote from Aristotle at the head of their home page: 'Anyone can become angry – that is so easy. But to become angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not so easy.'

If a relationship has gone wrong and the idea of divorce courts is scary, try Collaborative Family Lawyers - a calmer and more studied way to end things amicably. Alternatively Resolution, who pride themselves on taking the best interests of children into account especially.

Blog of the month is Conscientisation – 'Not for fear of hell nor longing for heaven but for love.' Nice.

Archives. My blog. Be there. Steamtrainsandcarriages.com – the link appears to be broken. Not exactly chuffed.

Holidays

Once again I have avoided drawing attention to my empty house during holidays by leaving auto-posts to appear regularly. Again I feel slightly weird that you may already have had my funeral. If you have, this will be the last post.

Posting

My mother sent me a birthday card which never arrived. I can't work out if this happens to her more than most. She seems to have had a lot of trouble about which she has shared at length in the past. She just told me that 'This has never happened to me before.'

Has your memory gone Mum?

I don't know. I'll have a look later.

Is your hearing aid in?

Not until Monday.

Anyway, whether it has happened to her before or not, she took a note of the time of posting and the details of the box and the fact that the sellotaped-down card contained no money and she has called the Post Office and demanded a full public enquiry. A nice man said he'd investigate. The card had beer bottles on it. I would have liked it.

Another Quote

You have to be thoughtful before you are honest, otherwise you're just rude.

Someone called David Martin said this. I have known two in my life. I expect it was the one I used to do CYFA Ventures with. Thanks.

Critical

Looking back over my quote books, I find from time to time unattributed ones, or ones attributed to people I can no longer recall, but they encapsulate a whole load of wisdom. Just found this:

In churches there is not a culture of being critical about things you are enjoying.

If you are the Sue Beckett who said this, well done. Take credit.

Trust

How should a church make a big decision? At what point should the elected representatives hold a referendum? What majority at such a vote would represent a mandate? At what point is a decision big enough to need a vote by the elected representatives rather than a call by the executives? What decisions need referring to all the people?

Is this about trust? Should we trust the Rector? The Church Wardens? The Church Council? A small voice crying in the wilderness? A small person crying in the corner? Should we draw lots?

Let me know when you've got an answer.

Doorstep

I find that the worst comes out in me when someone on the doorstep, who I don't know, says, 'Good morning, (pause) how are you today?' As you answer they begin, 'My name's Dan, I'm calling round on behalf of Scottish Gas and we're just checking you're not paying more than 10p for your gas.'

I think I am already decided that I will not switch to them even if they convince me I should switch.

Dan: Who are you with?

Me: N Power.

Dan: Wow (unspoken - how stupid are you?) Did you know they've just been fined £1.8 million for inappropriate conduct?

(I researched. Just = last December and the guys who acted inappropriately did it on the doorstep and had already been dismissed by the time of the fine.)

Dan, nothing personal, but after the opening 'How are you today?' nothing would have persuaded me to do anything you suggested however advantageous.

Jesus on Wheels

Jesus on wheels is off to Malta soon. He's very excited. Will try and send back shots of him doing holiday things.

Here he takes a last look at his study surroundings before jumping into a suitcase.

Remember, all offers to take him travelling gratefully received. I will get him to you. All you need to do is send him back with holiday snaps.

Sore Mouths

Mouth ulcers. A sign that God loves sticking pins into small parts of his creation just to annoy them? Or a sign that a loving God whose plan includes them must be bigger than we can possibly imagine? Go ponder. I'm trying Aloclair. Hygienist recommended.

Anger

'Anyone can become angry - that is so easy. But to become angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not so easy.'

Attributed to Aristotle and quoted at Anger Management Online .