Friday, April 30, 2010
Dodgy Stats
A quick calculation told me that that would involve about one in seven of the adult population either stalking or being stalked. We'd surely have noticed something wrong at the bus station. And those nine people I had round for lunch yesterday? Who was the victim and who was the stalker?
Some mistake surely?
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Turkeys and Christmas
Can you think of anything more unlikely to be situated on the boundary fence of a field containing young fleecy things than a six foot blue and white sign saying Vote Fox?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Gaffe
The villains of this piece, in my mind, are the reporters who felt duty bound, duty bloody bound, to make sure that the woman who was insulted in private, out of her hearing and not for her consumption was informed of the insult and asked to comment on it.
Get this. From time to time the parishioners of Nailsea, even the sick, lonely and bereaved ones, have been the subject of verbal abuse, by me, behind closed doors. It doesn't mean I don't want the best for them. It doesn't mean I hate them. It means I wait until the doors are closed. I do that for a reason. Just in case any of you (them) are offended, I apologise now. You probably weren't what I called you but I felt better once I'd done it.
Let him, or her, who has never mouthed off in private about someone who was a bit of pain, albeit a well-intentioned one, cast the first stone.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Making Your Mind Up
Without prejudice to how I may eventually use my vote I refer readers to whoshouldyouvotefor.com. By spending ten minutes answering a series of simple questions your preferences will be matched with the various political parties. Then you will be told which is closest. Before submitting the form you will be asked what you expect to be told. My results are interesting for they show no great difference between Greens, Labour or Liberal Democrat in the ability to deliver what I think the government should do. That leaves me with very little option but to vote tactically.
Of course there will be other local issues, and many national ones, which get no mention and may be key for you. Abortion, pylons and war to name but three.
Take the Who Should You Vote For? England quiz
| Labour | 34 | |||
| Green | 30 | |||
| Liberal Democrat | 30 | |||
| UK Independence | -49 | |||
| Conservative | -52 |
You expected: LIB
Your recommendation: Labour
The Ghost
Usually I love hyped films and find them as good as the blurb. I have to confess to being disappointed here. I didn't find the characters convincing, found Ewan McGregor surprisingly wooden, especially in a scene where he interviews a local (to the ex PMs home) about a recent murder and speedily extracts more information than a police investigation had.
It bobbed along quickly enough but I couldn't bring myself to believe that the British press, who are very good at digging out scandal, could have missed something as massive as the concealed truth here.
If you had bumped off a ghost writer of your biography because he had found out too much, and if you treated his manuscript with such care it could not be removed from one room in a secure house, would you really not have searched that writer's bedroom thoroughly before inviting the replacement in?
Fun way to pass a couple of hours. Only two stars from me though.
Change
I pointed out the wonderful re-ordering of another local church which had removed pews and installed individual seats. The couple agreed that what had been done at Holy Trinity was remarkable.
'So why not do that at Tickenham?' I asked.
'No,' was the gut reaction, in stereo and vehemently.
I think the couple then realised that I had sneakily tricked them and backed up a bit to 'That would be a step too far.'
Why do we invest so much of our emotional energy in things that we fail to notice they no longer serve what we set out to do? Pews are uncomfortable. Pews are inflexible. Pews are Johnny-come-latelys in most church buildings. Pews are also, and this last one is, I admit, subjective, ugly.
Yet people love them, fight for them and hate the very idea of removing them. Long after Tickenham church is gone the pews and the building will probably still be there.
They are not sacred; they're seats.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Learning Methods
I pointed out a few examples. My friend said, 'I'll never forget that.'
If you like learning by show and tell you do tend to retain things taught that way rather well. Next time you see a dunnock you can replay the lesson, as it were, as an internal DVD and make the distinction.
It works for me too. Whist I enjoy the general raising of knowledge you get from lectures or books, when it comes to learning a new technique I need the demonstration, one-to-one. I am not particularly a technophobe but don't find it easy to teach myself new devices and software from manuals. On-screen tutorials are a little better. YouTube is currently raising my game in blues piano playing several fold.
My greatest advances in computer knowledge were made 1992-1997 at the hands of the wonderful Kelvin and Pete, two techies with a great bedside manner. The things they showed me I learned. Kelvin's particular skill was never to touch the mouse of his pupil. Everything that needed to be done you had to do yourself. He was very patient.
I am quite proud and smug when I manage to, for instance, load my digital camera pictures on to the computer. It took me a while to read the manual, load some software and then learn to use it.
But if someone had shown me. Ah well. The peril of working home alone.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Luke 15 Again
By way of background to item one I must share the Mustard theory of ecclesiastical tableware generation. All church hall kitchens are fitted with a crockery and utensil magnet. However this is powered by a complex boggleomatic drive (named after the scoring system in the game Boggle in which only original words score points) which ensures that only one of each type is attracted or retained. After a period of a few years no item of church kitchen crockery or cutlery matches any other.
The advantage of this is that I was quickly able to identify the better-than-average baking tray that had arrived since I last cooked anything there using the oven as the one I had lost shortly after purchasing it a few months back.
Later, taking a bottle of wine to a dinner party I found my favourite barkeeper's corkscrew at the bottom of the wine carrier, where it had clearly been since the parish weekend last November when I thought I had left it at the conference centre.
And whilst more replaced than lost, during the afternoon I popped up to Tesco and bought some bits and pieces - croissants, bread, fruit, yoghurt. Although the bill of £36 may surprise you it included, get this, a DVD player. And not, at that, the cheapest DVD player Tesco stock. Since the old DVD player developed a grudge on Friday and would only play DVDs it was familiar with and no new ones, this was a bit of a result.
I probably need to offset the carbon footprint and make a donation to a charity for impoverished far eastern electrical workers but for now I am simply smug.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Ten top tips for being English today
1. Shaking hands is a perfectly acceptable way to greet someone.
2. Real ale is served cellar cold. That is neither warm nor ice-chilled.
3. Cheddar cheese and home made bread for lunch.
4. Tea may be drunk between 3 and 5 p.m.
5. Stare at an oak tree in a field; green and pleasant is a good look.
6. Take the piss out of your friends or public figures, not strangers.
7. Football shirts should, by and large, be worn on football occasions.
8. How do you do? This does not require an answer, merely a repetition of the same phrase.
9. Excuse me and sorry.
10. Offa's Dyke, Hadrian's Wall and the English Channel are there for a reason.
11. Ask first if in doubt.
12. Don't believe the headline.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Today's News
For reasons of political balance, having slammed UKIP, I need to be rude about the other candidates at the General Election. So I own up to being the one who stole Dr Liam Fox's laptop. I have the names of all his friends in the Conservative Party and for a small remuneration I will sell you them both.
Let debate fever commence. I'm well excited.
UKIP
At our local election forum a few weeks ago we were treated to 45 minutes of the views of our UKIP candidate for North Somerset, Sue Taylor. I found her a lovely, friendly woman. However those policies she had grasped (one or two) were clearly bonkers. Those things of which she knew nothing were many. She will get more votes if she hides behind the sofa for the next fortnight than if she gets out and talks to people.Her election leaflet popped through the door just now. Note that the first word of her actual text, after the headings, is misspelled.
Is this a record?
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Nobody Expects
I would imagine, if there was anyone still doing any thinking in the government, that a contingency plan was drawn up as to what to do in the event of a major, national emergency during the campaign. You know; train crash, terrorism, outbreak of flu-scare or animal disease. That sort of thing.
Would anyone, anyone, have come up with the idea that a volcano in Iceland would cause us bother?
To stand for political office is to be ready to be in charge when that-which-we-didn't-expect happens. Good luck candidates.
'...what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?' (Psalm 8:4)
Monday, April 19, 2010
Some great one-liners
Later, having heard Celine Dion mangle the old Eric Carmen song, the same Mrs M, on fine form after only one white wine, offered, 'If she listened to herself she'd realise why she was all by herself.'
At the induction and institution for which we had been having a preparatory drink (we suspected we were about to hear choral music) we noticed from the order of service that the new incumbent had three Christian names, none of which he was known by. Not only did this seem slightly greedy but we found it remarkable that no-one thought it worthy of mention at any point in the proceedings.
Prior to the induction the organist played the sort of music that left me with the vague feeling that I was in some ante-room of hell. I expected, 'The Prince of Darkness will see you now' to come booming out over the PA system. Not that the PA system challenged adequacy to any sort of competition. Even the stone-coloured speakers clung, chameleonesque, to the pillars.
The look on the face of the new incumbent as the solo chorister sang will live with me for a while.
Nice ceiling though. And the Bishop gave me, 'A good leader produces a we out of a multiple of Is.' Worth being there for that.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Last Word on that Debate
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Rules
So says comedian Al Murray in his Pub Landlord persona, often adding a third line, such as:
...and if we had a rule that every child under ten had to stitch three footballs before breakfast where would we be? China.
Funny man. But we all live our lives by various rules. As I drive home along Trendlewood Way a large, flashing sign illuminates should my speed dare creep up to 31mph. It's the rules. Then there are disciplines - self-imposed rules such as not leaving dirty washing on the floor or studying the Bible before the racing form.
What rules are we subject to? The law of the land. Local by-laws. Employment contracts we have agreed to; I do this and you pay that.
Some rules remain on the statute books but have passed into obscurity and are only dragged out to be laughed at. Apparently:
It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.
It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.
In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet.
So there.
In the New Testament already we see people being defensive about rules. Jesus upset the scribes and pharisees by an apparent lack of respect for laws. Matthew writes his gospel from the perspective of one defending the law (of Moses). Paul writes in Romans 13 of the need to submit to the authorities who he describes as God-given.
Much has been made recently of the centuries old dilemma of distinguishing between the historical Jesus and the Christ of faith. Philip Pullman's new novel The Good Man Jesus and the Scoundrel Christ has sparked it off, helpfully.
But is the church, as Pullman might put it, an organisation running totally contrary to the spirit of its accidental founder, designed to control people?
It can be. Those of us with leadership responsibilities have to take seriously the need to empower, not disenfranchise, the people we lead.
Looking through the Canons of the Church of England recently (I obviously have too much time on my hands) I found many rules that I habitually break to do with my mode of dress, the content of the church services I lead and my pattern of daily prayer. I break them willingly, deliberately and with a view that not breaking them would be detrimental to the growth of the church which the spirit of the canons is designed to promote not hinder.
If you architects want to know where to put the footpaths on a new housing estate, do not build any until people have lived there for six months. Then look at where they have trodden the grass down and put the paths there.Rules, in many circumstances, should not restrict behaviour but describe it. So let's build some new paths.
Easier said than done. Last time a motion was put before General Synod to relax the rule about the wearing of robes by clergy it was thrown out. Democracy has arranged that the small number of churches which are growing, by and large the robeless ones, are not able to carry a majority on synod and so the status quo is voted for by the majority of synod people who like their clergy robed. Likewise the relaxing of the formality of what are known as eucharistic prayers in church.
So I don't robe at Trendlewood Church, often don't even wear a dog collar, and have invented a form of eucharistic prayer that the children can use. Lock me up.
And if Gordon Brown should visit York this election campaign, someone hand him an ornamental bow and arrow as a gift from the city.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Mark Ashton RIP
Mark Ashton was CYFA Secretary from 1981-1987 (two before me, although the title had changed and so had the job by the time I took it on).
He had worked as a minister in Cambridge since then.
His seminal work, and greatest contribution to youth ministry in this country, was the book Christian Youth Work. In a period when many were beginning to look down on the fellowship model of youth ministry he outlined how it was meant to work, not as a Christian clique but as an outward-looking group of young people who were disicpled that, as part of being an ordinary Christian, one looked out towards those of no faith and invited them in.
In those heady days CYFA National Conferences (usually at Kinmel Hall in North Wales) attracted so many leaders they had to be run on two successive weekends.
Asked, in my early days, to write a vision statement for fellowship model youth work, I could do no better than repeat this, which Mark had sent round in a mailing some years earlier:
CYFA aims to help churches present young people mature in Christ as appropriate for them, using Colossians 1:28 as a key verse in understanding this.
It encourages groups to take these five principles equally seriously to ensure their work is biblical and balanced:
Prayer as the mainstay of the work
Bible as the backbone of the teaching programme
Gospel as the attraction to the group
Relationships as an essential (importance of the individual not the group)
Church as the context for growth
He also, and many of you may wish him ill will for this, at a Venture Leaders training day in about 1985 or 6, taught me the alarm clock joke that has accompanied me on my teaching journey over many years since.
It might be a fitting tribute to him to reinsert some value into the name CYFA as CPAS seem to have lost interest in it. Anyone else up for that?
RIP Mark.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Boing not Boring
2000/01 6th in Championship. Lost in play-off semi-final
2001/02 Promoted to Premiership in 2nd place
2002/03 Relegated from Premiership in 19th place
2003/04 Promoted to Premiership in 2nd place
2004/05 17th in Premiership, avoiding drop on last day
2005/06 Relegated from Premiership in 19th place
2006/07 4th in Championship. Lost in play-off final
2007/08 Promoted to Premiership as champions
2008/09 Relegated from Premiership in last place
2009/10 Promoted to Premiership, probably in 2nd place
Over the last ten seasons we have been between 17th and 26th best team in the country every season.
Motivation
Enter the excellent, gorgeous and hard-working Mrs Mustard who, after already going into town and having a nice lady do unmentionable things to any lower body hairs Mrs M possesses, has returned and announced that, since it is still too damp to mow the lawn, she will clean the conservatory windows.
The motivation I need to do anything other than cleaning is measured in very large amounts. To do cleaning registers 0.0001 of a micro-urge. So I immediately generated the energy to write a piece for a magazine that I needed to do by Monday, sorted out the washing, relocated the guinea pig hutch to a part of the lawn with longer grass and then, aware that any sign of relaxation would be greeted with a request to 'give me a hand' did my expenses. I've tidied my desk.
She is still going. I might have to tidy my study.
Friday, April 09, 2010
Friday Thinking
Every Friday and then I get a bit morose and maudlin. I cheer up a little when I realise with pride that I can use those two words properly but there are so many possibilities on a lovely spring day off and yet by mid-afternoon I have only managed to do a weak once round the gym, played a bit of piano, shopped for supper, read last Sunday's papers and watched an episode of The Wire (becoming hooked).
There should be more than this.
I would like to be in a place where some of the alternative possibilities were missing. With no internet, DVD player or piano or the temptation to do anything but read, I might finish a book.
I don't like wasting a day off but then again I love days without agenda. More fun in the endless possibilities than the actual output. Yeah, like that one. Mos def (oops, Wire influence).
I want to talk to politicians.
I want to bust outside this canned reality
I want to turn around and see it like the way it's meant to be
(The Four of Us - Sensual Thing)
I want can't have.
Anyway, the punchline. They were very inaccurate. No bards holed.
I'll get my coat.
Post War Years
The Fly - `Soul Owl` FlyTV In The Courtyard on MUZU
Fred, drummer with Post War Years, used to be the barman at my local in Leamington. Thoroughly nice bloke, good company when the pub was quiet, extraordinary percussionist and slowly having success with the band.
Whilst probably not to everyone's taste, enjoy this work.
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Business People and Politics
I have been interested in the decision by a number (not as many as you would think, all male and all well-off) of leaders of business making public their decision to side with the Conservatives at the next election in protest at the rise in Employers' National Insurance contributions. They say this will harm the prospects for small businesses.
In a cartoon in the Guardian on Saturday the Pied Piper Cameron was seen leading the fat cats off a New Labour sinking ship. The Guardian believes in making sure its cartoon admirers have a good grasp of folklore and fable.
Churchill's reply. 'It's only fair; we had them last time.'
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Lateral Thinking Solutions
Playing Monopoly.
A man lives on the twelfth floor of a block of flats. Every morning he takes the lift down and leaves the building. In the evening, he gets into the lift, and, if there is someone else in the lift -- or if it was raining that day -- he goes back to his floor directly. Otherwise, he goes to the tenth floor and walks up two flights of stairs to his flat. Why?
He's short and can't reach the button. When it's wet he uses his umbrella.
Two men enter a bar. They are served identical drinks. One lives; the other dies.
There is poison in the ice cube. The guy who drinks slowly, dies.
There are two pieces of coal in a field full of daisies. How did they get there?
Snowman.
A man drives down the road at 29 miles per hour. Three cars pass him going at 35 miles per hour, but he gets stopped by a police officer and is given a ticket. Why?
Wrong way down a one-way street.
A man leaves a full hotel, goes to his car, honks the horn, and returns. Why?
He wakes in the night to get something from his car but forgets which is his room. His wife is deaf. He honks the horn and then goes back to the only room where a light is not turned on.
One of Charlotte's dearest loved ones binds her to a chair, but she doesn't mind. Why not?
She's three; it's a car seat.
A woman marries 20 men in one year. Why hasn't she been arrested?
She's a vicar.
A man is going to hospital with a fractured skull. He is accompanied on the journey by a badly bruised woman with an empty bucket. Why?
Jack and Jill from the nursery rhyme.
A woman presses number 7 and a man goes berserk. Why?
Don't change channels during a penalty shoot-out.
A bag of good nails is found on a rubbish heap. Why?
Romans crucified Jesus on a rubbish heap.
Good Man Jesus
It was interesting that Nailsea Bookshop juxtaposed the novel with our Easter Journey installation.
In The Spectator, A.N.Wilson's review of the book suggested it may drive people back to the gospels wondering if the simple explanation of resurrection faith found there might not have something to commend it. Fascinating. By and large it is the church that gets the stick from Pullman, not Jesus.
I note that Rowan at no point said, without qualifying and clarifying, that the Roman Catholic church had lost all credibility. That particular sound-bite was thrown into the programme preview quite, if I may say so, mischievously.
Anyway I'm sure that before long people will be venerating relics of that church's true credibility. In case my catholic chums have lost the ability to laugh at themselves recently (quite understandable) that was meant to be a wee gag.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Lateral Thinking
A woman parks her car outside a hotel and loses £2000. How come?
A man lives on the twelfth floor of a block of flats. Every morning he takes the lift down and leaves the building. In the evening, he gets into the lift, and, if there is someone else in the lift -- or if it was raining that day -- he goes back to his floor directly. Otherwise, he goes to the tenth floor and walks up two flights of stairs to his flat. Why?
Two men enter a bar. They are served identical drinks. One lives; the other dies.
There are two pieces of coal in a field full of daisies. How did they get there?
A man drives down the road at 29 miles per hour. Three cars pass him going at 35 miles per hour, but he gets stopped by a police officer and is given a ticket. Why?
A man leaves a full hotel, goes to his car, honks the horn, and returns. Why?
One of Charlotte's dearest loved ones binds her to a chair, but she doesn't mind. Why not?
A woman marries 20 men in one year. Why hasn't she been arrested?
A man is going to hospital with a fractured skull. He is accompanied on the journey by a badly bruised woman with an empty bucket. Why?
A woman presses number 7 and a man goes berserk. Why?
A bag of good nails is found on a rubbish heap. Why?
Happy Easter everybody.
Friday, April 02, 2010
Good Friday Music
Liquid by Jars of Clay
Hear it again here with a Good Friday video.
Vordhosbn by Aphex Twin
Hear the original version here; Leila Arab's rhythm-free remix is not available on YouTube.
Twenty three by Fourtet
Here it again here with a nice home-made video.
Attendance at this service has risen every year since I started doing it in 2007. Over 100 for the first time today. Thanks for coming.
Faithfulness
Good?
How strange that Christians fall out over what the cross achieved. Stupidity is the only weapon of mass destruction I fear.
Also, what a crazy-mixed up world is the church's year. Striving for a pattern we can forget Jesus is alive on Good Friday and have to keep him dead until the chocolate is unwrapped. Then on Sunday we can over-celebrate, forgetting that others have still lost their dead.
This side of the heavenly tear-wiping ceremony St John anticipated, I believe that wandering around in awe-struck confusion amongst the crowds is the best way to live Holy Week. Many of the people have no idea what has happened to them, in them, with them; for them.
I never send Easter cards. No way could I commercialise this. A member of my family, who sticks up for the absence of God most times we meet, always sends me one. It's all I can do not to rip it up.
Have this as my Easter greeting. Ponder if you dare.
Thursday, April 01, 2010
Hello Again
For those who have been a bit bored by my constant references to it I apologise sincerely. It's a bit like having a... no it isn't but it feels like I gave birth yesterday without the gore. Today I don't have a baby; just the beauty of not having to do anything between appointments.
Every spare moment for the last month I've been tweaking the text and now it is in the hands of Naomi at BRF. I'll have to wait and see what she, and her panel of readers, think.
Today it was a joy to spend a bit of time planning something else. If you have not been before, tomorrow afternoon's Good Friday hour is a chance to meditate on the death of Jesus with readings, prayers and music. I usually choose music that will not all please all the people. If you like it is a chance to allow the discomfort of listening to something you don't enjoy to disturb you a little. I like the idea of being disturbed in meditation during an hour at the cross. I may sing too; very disturbing. It is worship with your ears; there is no participation. The numbers attending have risen every year since I started doing it in 2007.
I have had some nice feedback on the Easter Journey as people visit shop windows in Nailsea. The art isn't cutting edge installation but it is thought provoking. My prize for the best window will go to Nailsea Bookshop. A special mention for the huge table-setting of stones-to-bread in Homestyle but it is one of Mrs Mustard's shops and families of the judge can't win the prize. I aslo liked the crutches leaning against a stile in Let's Walk. Photos to follow.
I just had a call from a mother who told me her kids think I'm awesome. Shucks, that's nice. That's two people this week who have been specifically impressed before you even get to the funeral I did on Monday at three hours notice due to colleague illness. The Good Friday service may balance that out, based on the letter of complaint last year that the Holy Spirit left the building during one of the pieces of music.
I suspect that if the Holy Spirit needs a break tomorrow the music will not be the reason.
I think I might read something again. I am enjoying Brian McLaren's A Generous Orthodoxy which I am reading with my now-on-maternity-leave curate colleague. I am staring at:
Church Marketing 101 by Richard L. Reising
But I think I have reached the point where so many people have told me to read What's So Amazing About Grace by Philip Yancey that I need to find out what the fuss is about. Last time I succumbed I read The Shack which was very disappointing.
I also bought The End of the Party last week, Andrew Rawnsley's 'Rise and Fall of New Labour'. Not sure they've completely fallen yet. The opposition is unconvincing.
My sister tells me the chattering classes are all chattering again about The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. It is much referenced by commentators on Thatcher's selfish generation but I may leave it until the holidays.
Time to slow down for Easter. I love being able to say that.
Tomb Raiders
Since the critical myths about Jesus after-death are so sacrosanct to Christians it may be that this story had been suppressed for fear of offence being caused until such time as the remains can be identified with more certainty. Apparently grave notices make clear that the body of a roving preacher, crucified at the hands of Romans, has been discovered. A male aged 25 - 40 is suspected and the initials of his name are either JC or JN.
It seems as if the latest archaeology from the team at Wadi Bin Adagin will change the understanding of the origins of Christianity and pour doubt on its principal tenet - the ascension into heaven of its founder.
Leader of the investigating team, Dutch archaeologist and dendro-chronologist Lar Van Larfaggen said, 'This is a very sensitive issue; we are not prepared to announce or speculate without further evidence.'
MSS will keep you informed.