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My Week - Last Week

It was interesting to post my diary for last week. To some extent it explains why quantifying hours of clergy work is so complicated. It is for this reason, perhaps soon to change, that we are treated as stipendiary - set aside from the necessity to earn our living in order to serve full-time - rather than salaried.

However a certain amount of 'duties' comes with the territory. Last week I was available for six days (did you spot which day was the day off, readers?) and, conservatively adding up I reckon I did 65.5 hours duties.

I also did 2.5 hours work for the Church of England Newspaper for which I will receive £45 at some point in the future.

Last week the phone rang very little - emails have reduced the number of phone calls to the Vicarage and enable communication to be less intrusive. Only one phone call was longer than ten minutes and that was prearranged. I have two emails left to deal with from last week, twelve from during my holidays, and eight from before my holidays. Given that there were over a thousand in the in-box last Monday, that is pleasing.

Part of my duties included drinking wine, eating lunch and breakfast, reading and chatting with nice people.

I didn't spend long enough in sermon preparation but there are some weeks where a good filing system and 32 years experience in public speaking ministry are a blessing.

Pick another week in about six months time (don't give me too much notice) and I'll do it again.

Thanks to David Keen for the observation about my 24 hour clock going wrong one day. Cheeky git.

My Week - Sunday

0700 Get up and spend time at desk in prayer and preparation. My crushed finger is an interesting colour. Head a bit spinny.
0750 Take Mrs T coffee in bed, shower, dress and eat breakfast
0830 Travel to Holy Trinity for...
0900 Holy Communion (preach) and assist colleague, presiding for the first time
1030 Holy Communion (preach)
1245 Celebration lunch for colleague's priesting
1500 Home; break
1820 Travel to Holy Trinity for Evening service. Enjoy a service with no responsibilities apart from listening carefully to student sermon (excellent). Asked to pray at the end.
2010 Home; knock off.

What Reggie Did On Thursday

Pulling into Tescos to use the cash-point I could only park quite a way from the machine. As I walked towards it across the car park a vehicle drove in too fast, parked across two disabled spaces, and the occupant jumped out and joined the queue, niftily, in front of me.

'Excuse me, are you disabled?' I asked.
'Only be a minute,' he said.

I returned to my car and opened the boot, removed the floor cover and took out the wheel brace.

I returned, observed the man take his place at the Link machine and noted down his PIN. As he turned to face me, holding his pristine £30, I swung once and heard the satisfying crunch as machined metal contacted knee cap. He swore and collapsed. I took his wallet, which he had dropped and drew out another £100 which I stuffed deep into his car exhaust, followed by the wallet.

I took one of the small stickers from my own wallet, the ones that say:

I park in disabled spaces when I'm in a hurry

I placed it on the windscreen of his car, in his line of vision from the driver's seat.

I took my own money out of the cash point and, pausing only to smash his other knee, walked back to my car and on to Morning Prayers.

My Week - Saturday

0730 Wake up. Take coffee back to bed. Read in bed.
0830 Get up; make breakfast.
0900 Print off and check last minute details for ordination service. Shower and change. Travel To Holy Trinity.
0930 Arrive at HT. Set up communion vessels. Crush finger between safe door and desk. Administer ice whilst wonderfully efficient Church Warden asks for details for the accident book. Exacerbate injury signing accident book.
1100 Service
1220 Photos, clearing up and smooching
1330 Pop to pub for quick pint with clergy friend and Mrs T
1415 Lunch in the garden. Make shopping list for tonight (Trendlewood social event) and tomorrow.
1445 Drive to shop to get food. Test Mrs T's new satnav
1600 Cup of tea and a break
1730 Start setting up for tonight (10 guests for a wine-tasting evening)
1830 Check details for tomorrow's sermons
1910 Co-hosts arrive
1930 Guests arrive. Taste wine. Demanding this ministry lark isn't it?
2330 Guests leave; clear up
2350 Knock off

My Week - Friday

0700 Read papers in bed. Hear the news that Michael Jackson has died.
0800 Communicate one or two things from last night's meeting to parish office. One urgent email. Listen to Radio 4.
0830 Read online tributes to Jacko, surf a little and play online game.
0900 Play keyboards a bit
0915 Surf some more
0950 Make breakfast and listen to CD, having first reprogrammed cooker and stereo after power cut
1055 Surf some more then off to gym, dropping off the keys left from last night to the owner on the way.
1300 Pop into Bristol to get a few DVDs and a CD
1415 Tescos
1445 Lunch watching Wimbledon
1515 Watch movie and do ironing of post-holiday washing. Accept request from Urban Saints to write 1,200 words about Michael Jackson - deadline Monday evening
1800 Watch news and take notes
1830 Cooking and The Now Show on Radio 4
1900 Listen to new CD (new Kasabian - excellent)
1930 Drink with Mrs T as she arrives home, then supper
2030 Evening watching Glastonbury (Ting Tings have come on a bit since I last saw them), the news and Michael Jackson tributes followed by search for old Jacksons vinyl singles. Especially enjoy State of Shock (with Mick Jagger) and Going Places (1977)
2040 Turn in

Not Holidays

Strange things holidays. I love them, then want to get home, then when I'm back I wish I was on holiday again. No-one can exist on a diet of the best of everything all the time; it would simply raise your standard of what is the best and you'd need to earn more money to afford it.

Gozo, where I have been for my holidays these last few years, is a small island next to Malta and its principle attraction (forgive me) is that you're not there. In summer it is hot, dusty and the insects nip. It is interesting but not particularly beautiful. People are helpful but not over-bearing.

I relax, swim, sit in the sun, read, eat good food (restaurants excellent), explore a little and reacquaint myself with Mrs T.

'Is it me,' I say to a colleague, '...or has the parish speeded up while I was away?' We conclude that indeed it has, but also that I've slowed down and the combined velocities are a mismatch.

In late 2007 I joined a health club, a step up from the council gym. I confess that the attraction, inter alia, of a large outdoor pool round which to sit and read on a day off, was very powerful. Last year the number of Fridays when this was facilitated by the British weather was a no score. This week has been hot and dry and I thought I might break my duck. Clutching for the positive I count the rain falling on my green garden and my pitter-patter amplifying conservatory as a blessing.

This is a green and pleasant land. All the birds are not sparrows and pigeons. Yesterday 36 starlings breezed into my small garden and cleaned the lawn. Martins and swifts swoop overhead. Dust lasts but a short time, dismantled by water. It's good to be back.

New Proverbs

I sometimes drop into the site 1001 Rules for My Unborn Son. It's a set of interesting proverbs for today. I particularly liked:

You don't get to choose your own nickname

Once a Willy, I am glad most of my school friends are no longer around.

My Week - Thursday

0715 Up and shower
0730 Put out dustbins and green waste
0740 Breakfast at computer, preparation for Quiet Day later
0900 Morning Prayer
1000 Quiet Day (hosted at my house 6 guests)
1600 Last guests leave. Tidy up, plan evening meal for 10 and then shop.
1700 Break
1830 Prepare Food for 18-25s group (Nailsea young adult Christians)
1900 First two arrive for chat and help with catering
2000 Eat and then spend time on answering questions arising from their month's Bible studies
2215 Tidy round and find wallet and house keys. Try and contact owner but computer goes down as I search for phone number due to power cut in thunder storm (twice). Eventually send text to a friend of the owner
2245 Knock off

My Week - Wednesday

0715 Washing, dustbins, tidying.
0730 Emails and administration
0800 Blog post on holiday reading recommendations
0840 Breakfast and shower
0930 Head for Tickenham via Holy Trinity for Communion
1000 Communion
1045 Gym
1230 Admin, emails and filing
1300 Travel to HT to meet placement student. Lunch and reflection.
1430 Home via shops
1445 Desk for admin (including six months expenses - oops that's bad practice but hooray - that pays for the holiday)
1715 Travel to Christ Church for Local Ministry Group weekly Evening Prayer
1815 Prepare supper
1900 Eat supper with placement student and Mrs T
2000 Check emails and knock off

Holiday Reading

As Mustard Seed Shavings takes its annual holiday early it is delighted to offer the following review of its holiday reading:

The scoring system is simply how much I enjoyed each at the time and is not, in any sense, comparing a racy page-turner with a well written and cleverly constructed narrative. I need to start my holidays with light reading so I began with two page turners:

A Snowball in Hell: Christopher Brookmyre (6/10)
A serial killer is at work and it seems to be new celebrities, TV talent show winners, footballers wives and tabloid journalists who are going to be the victims. Very funny, great satire, people die horribly and somehow you hope the killer won't be caught just yet. A romp.

Mystery Man: Bateman (6/10)
Black Books meets Inspector Clouseau. The more you find out about the hero the more flawed he becomes, yet the more you will him to succeed. My first Bateman. Won't be my last. 'Murder. mayhem and damn sexy trousers' says the cover. Quite.

The Abstinence Teacher: Tom Perrotta (7/10)
Ruth is a US high school teacher who is required, due to a change of school management, to teach abstinence in her sex education classes. How does it feel to be a liberal faced with the power of the Christian right? Thought provoking. Good story. Well written.

The Northern Clemency: Philip Hensher (9/10)
Two families meet in Sheffield 1974. The story visits them again in the mid 80s and mid 90s. Wonderful narrative history of two decades, encapsulating the UK's move from manufacturing to service-providing in the context of delightful, and very moving, overlapping stories. Best book I've read for ten years or so. Booker nominated.

The Gum Thief: Douglas Coupland (5/10)
A relationship develops by Post-it Note in a stationery store. One of the main characters is writing a novel and we read many extracts from it. All Coupland's writing is a metaphor for our times. Not my favourite, this.

Who Runs Britain? Robert Peston (7/10)
The wealthy, would be his answer, who have politicians eating out of their hands. Well argued and analysed but slightly unsatisfactory. You would expect a business correspondent to conclude that business ran Britain, but is that the whole story? He writes better than he speaks. Fewer ers to the dozen.

Nothing to be Frightened of: Julian Barnes (7/10)
One of our best contemporary novelists takes a break from fiction to produce an entertaining, and highly thought-provoking, discourse on what it means to live in the shadow of your own death. Opening sentence, 'I don't believe in God, but I miss Him.'

Tomorrow: Graham Swift (6/10)
Paula lies awake in bed contemplating the news she and her husband will be passing on to their sixteen year old twins the next day. As the book progresses you are trying to work out what that news might be. Insightful about parenting and the wisdom of protecting children from the truth.

To Kill a Mocking Bird: Harper Lee (8/10)
Each holiday I try and take something with me that I should have read by now but have never, somehow, got round to. Race and class in the Deep South of the US, 1930s. Brilliant, but oh so sad.

His Illegal Self: Peter Carey (9/10)
A bunch of hippies kidnap a seven year old boy who falls in love with the itchy, bitey, sticky Queensland to which he is taken. He doesn't want to leave. Carey is an Australian working from New York and much of his work explores the relationship between the two continents. I think Carey is the finest living writer of prose we have. His sentences can make me whoop with delight.

My Week - Tuesday

0700 Finish a book I fell asleep with last night
0730 Shower
0745 Prayers, reading and preparation
0845 Breakfast meeting with youth worker, phone message
1000 Staff meeting
1200 Chat to placement student, check emails, phone call
1230 Pastoral appointment
1345 Lunch
1445 Ordination rehearsal
1630 Home via Tescos
1645 Prepare for evening meeting and check emails, chat to placement student
1800 Prepare meal whilst chatting to placement student and checking Andy Murray's Wimbledon progress
1900 Eat meal with wife and placement student
1930 Members of meeting (Trendlewood Committee) get a drink if they arrive early
1945 Meeting starts (ends 2130)
2140 Ironing
2205 Watch news and then blog this
1100 Bed

My Week - Monday

I threw out a challenge a few weeks ago that I would blog the first week from my diary randomly requested. Pauline suggested this week so I gladly oblige. First day back after holiday.

0730 Wash and shower
0800 Working through thousands of emails from holiday whilst eating toast
0900 Morning Prayer
0945 Weekly meeting with Curate colleague
1100 Back to those emails and writing column for Church of England Newspaper (2 phone calls)
1300 Break
1345 Communion training with Curate colleague in preparation for her first communion as a priest this Sunday
1515 Home via Tescos
1545 Prepare for meeting and continue with email trawl, eat sandwich
1750 Meeting at Christ Church re future service
1930 Talk to Mrs T and prepare supper together then eat (1 phone call)
2015 Finish column, blog and archive last month's, write this entry
2130 Knock off

CEN May 2009

Have you been looking sideways at your vicar recently and wondering if her expenses claim shouldn't have included duck house maintenance and moat cleaning? Time to familiarise yourself with the contents of the Clergy Discipline Measure. There's a procedure to follow.

Better news for clergy is that '...since 2002, the Church of England has been reviewing the terms of service under which clergy hold office. New terms and conditions will be conferred on clergy through Common Tenure. It preserves the historic office holder status of parochial clergy, whilst giving them rights broadly equivalent to those of employees.' The web site from which the quote is taken has a timetable for when this might all happen.

If you would like to track down a vicar of old you might like to try the Clergy Database. It now has over one million records of clergy in Britain from 1540 – 1835. Very few live ones, although that country church we visited on holiday...

If you spend most of your life with an MP3 player for company and a permanent soundtrack in your ears you will probably have found Spotify. It's legal and free access to a huge library of music. The basic version (which you have to be invited to join and then may involve a waiting list) is free but adverts come along every few tracks. The premium version is without adverts but costs £9.99 a month. The whole thing is a combination of music downloading and social networking.

Muddy River Media is '...a registered, non-profit mission society which exists to consistently provide free, quality media resources for churches using the internet as the primary delivery tool.' There are PowerPoint backgrounds, illustrative videos and much, much more. Brilliant.

Of all the crazy things I discovered you could buy on-line, Catchafallingstar takes the biscuit. The name is a bit of a clue. Buy your very own meteorite or bit of one. That site appears genuine, but for a pointless romantic gesture how about naming a star after a special person.

Starlistings will allow you to do that for just £25. The small print says, 'Please note that naming a star for someone is a beautiful and symbolic gesture which makes a stunning and unique gift, but your star name will not be used or recognised by the astronomic or scientific community, and no legal title is inferred or implied.' For £5 I'll name one of my pens after them instead. Cash only please.

If you prefer geography to astronomy then try the Geography Zone. Their challenge is to represent your country and correctly identify ten other countries on a map. It's a giant experiment to find out which nation is best at geogo. I tried it and two of my ten were St Kitts and Equatorial Guinea. Not that easy then. I got five out of ten. I accidentally clicked on Luxembourg when aiming for France. Currently the Philippines are winning and the UK is 60th.

Talking of geography, if carbon-guilt hasn't got you yet, 1,000 Places To See Before You Die is the ultimate tick-it-off list.

Now, if you need some particular therapy yourself there are several noteworthy sites you might try. Beat is the working name of the Eating Disorders Association, the leading UK charity for people with eating disorders and their families.

Therelationshipspecialists (one of the web presences of sexual psychotherapist Paula Hall) offers confidential advice on sexual problems. There is an initial consultation fee of £25.

Anger Management Online offers a help course (for a fee) but without leaving your desk. I like the quote from Aristotle at the head of their home page: 'Anyone can become angry – that is so easy. But to become angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not so easy.'

If a relationship has gone wrong and the idea of divorce courts is scary, try Collaborative Family Lawyers - a calmer and more studied way to end things amicably. Alternatively Resolution, who pride themselves on taking the best interests of children into account especially.

Blog of the month is Conscientisation – 'Not for fear of hell nor longing for heaven but for love.' Nice.

Archives. My blog. Be there. Steamtrainsandcarriages.com – the link appears to be broken. Not exactly chuffed.

Holidays

Once again I have avoided drawing attention to my empty house during holidays by leaving auto-posts to appear regularly. Again I feel slightly weird that you may already have had my funeral. If you have, this will be the last post.

Posting

My mother sent me a birthday card which never arrived. I can't work out if this happens to her more than most. She seems to have had a lot of trouble about which she has shared at length in the past. She just told me that 'This has never happened to me before.'

Has your memory gone Mum?

I don't know. I'll have a look later.

Is your hearing aid in?

Not until Monday.

Anyway, whether it has happened to her before or not, she took a note of the time of posting and the details of the box and the fact that the sellotaped-down card contained no money and she has called the Post Office and demanded a full public enquiry. A nice man said he'd investigate. The card had beer bottles on it. I would have liked it.

Another Quote

You have to be thoughtful before you are honest, otherwise you're just rude.

Someone called David Martin said this. I have known two in my life. I expect it was the one I used to do CYFA Ventures with. Thanks.

Critical

Looking back over my quote books, I find from time to time unattributed ones, or ones attributed to people I can no longer recall, but they encapsulate a whole load of wisdom. Just found this:

In churches there is not a culture of being critical about things you are enjoying.

If you are the Sue Beckett who said this, well done. Take credit.

Trust

How should a church make a big decision? At what point should the elected representatives hold a referendum? What majority at such a vote would represent a mandate? At what point is a decision big enough to need a vote by the elected representatives rather than a call by the executives? What decisions need referring to all the people?

Is this about trust? Should we trust the Rector? The Church Wardens? The Church Council? A small voice crying in the wilderness? A small person crying in the corner? Should we draw lots?

Let me know when you've got an answer.

Doorstep

I find that the worst comes out in me when someone on the doorstep, who I don't know, says, 'Good morning, (pause) how are you today?' As you answer they begin, 'My name's Dan, I'm calling round on behalf of Scottish Gas and we're just checking you're not paying more than 10p for your gas.'

I think I am already decided that I will not switch to them even if they convince me I should switch.

Dan: Who are you with?

Me: N Power.

Dan: Wow (unspoken - how stupid are you?) Did you know they've just been fined £1.8 million for inappropriate conduct?

(I researched. Just = last December and the guys who acted inappropriately did it on the doorstep and had already been dismissed by the time of the fine.)

Dan, nothing personal, but after the opening 'How are you today?' nothing would have persuaded me to do anything you suggested however advantageous.

Jesus on Wheels

Jesus on wheels is off to Malta soon. He's very excited. Will try and send back shots of him doing holiday things.

Here he takes a last look at his study surroundings before jumping into a suitcase.

Remember, all offers to take him travelling gratefully received. I will get him to you. All you need to do is send him back with holiday snaps.

Sore Mouths

Mouth ulcers. A sign that God loves sticking pins into small parts of his creation just to annoy them? Or a sign that a loving God whose plan includes them must be bigger than we can possibly imagine? Go ponder. I'm trying Aloclair. Hygienist recommended.

Anger

'Anyone can become angry - that is so easy. But to become angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not so easy.'

Attributed to Aristotle and quoted at Anger Management Online .

Customer Service

In a leading supermarket recently I was offered a sample drink of Absolut pear vodka, lemonade and ice. Probably not Somerfield then, you guess. Since it was about 1130 a.m. I joked that it sounded like the perfect breakfast. The demonstrator gave me a look and told me, 'You're not the first.' Twice.

Later at the checkout I was asked if I wanted any help with the packing and I pointed to Mrs T and said, 'No, I have a highly trained assistant.' Not a titter.

Message to customer service departments everywhere. This piece of information will be highly profitable. Your customers are idiots. They make old and inappropriate jokes. Your task, should you wish to sell further product, is to laugh at the jokes as if you had never heard them before.

Football Post - Analysis of West Brom's Relegation Season

A good target for Premiership survival, as I have said before, is to get 4 points each off the other nine teams who will eventually share the bottom half of the table, by winning at home and drawing away. Then get 1 point each off the teams who will finish 5th - 10th by drawing at home. Expect no points off the top four.

It's difficult because you don't know where teams will finish until the end of the season. But you can take a view.

Where did West Brom fall down? Experts had been writing the team off. We were bottom for much of the season. We eventually missed my target by 10 points but only missed survival by 4.
In fact at the end of January, bottom with 22 points, we were only 3 points behind my target. We had played the majority of our difficult games in the first half of the season. By the end of March, 7 games later, we were 10 points adrift of target. From then until the end of the season, 7 more games, we did exactly as per my target.

So what happened in February and March? We did as we had expected to do away at Fulham and Everton and at home to Arsenal (nil points). We got a point away at West Ham - better than expected. It was losing at home to Stoke City and Newcastle United and drawing at home to Bolton that cost us. 1 point out of 9. Two games let us down. One more win and one more draw.

It was closer than it looked and it came down to details. Good luck Wolves, Brum and Burnley next season. Along with Stoke and Hull perm three from five for relegation. Portsmouth may be in the mix. Sunderland will depend on who they get as new manager.

Correlation

In the middle of a long ponder under warm water the other day my eyes chanced upon the row of hair and body care products my household uses. There is an alarming nomenclature crossover between things designed to clean you up and posh food:

• Black pepper recharge body wash
• Plum kadu volumiser mousse
• Cassia conditioner
• Tea-tree and mint shampoo
• Sphagnum tingle moisturiser

Which one did I make up?

Wordle

The black and white thing to the right of this post is a Wordle. It reproduces the key words from your recent posts; the bigger the font the more regularly the use.

Click on the link to make your own, do a screen grab, save as a .jpg or other paint file, edit it a bit and then post to the sidebar. Must be easy. I did it.

E-reader

Mrs Mustard has purchased an e-reader. After a few initial skirmishes with the software she has now downloaded 115 books to read on holiday (which should be enough). I am surprised she was converted but I still find the act of holding paper is part of the reading experience I don't want to ditch, yet. I spend a lot of time reading web-pages but that is, somehow, different. Anyone else have views?

Democracy

Well I just exercised my democratic right. I was given the longest sheet of paper I have ever been given in a polling booth so I fear the minor parties (only one true 'independent') will cancel each other out. Here is the choice in North Somerset:

British National Party
Christian Party "Proclaiming Christ's Lordship"
Conservative Party
English Democrats Party
Fair Pay Fair Trade Party
Jury Team
Liberal Democrats
Mebyon Kernow - The Party for Cornwall
No2EU: Yes To Democracy
Pensioners Party
Pro Democracy: Libertas.eu
Socialist Labour Party
The Green Party
The Labour Party
United Kingdom Independence Party
Wai D
Katie Olivia Hopkins

Boy, did the officials look bored (that's not a party, just a statement of opinion).

Don't Vote BNP

Here is a very small straw poll of what might happen tomorrow. I spent half an hour in the pub reading the paper at lunchtime. Tough job, parish ministry but someone has to do it etc.

The barmaid (early 20s) asked what you had to do if you wanted to vote, did you just turn up at a school or something? She had no idea if she was on the register of electors (or that you had to be) and couldn't recall receiving a poll card. I'd guess she isn't, so she didn't.

A guy aged 70 or so explained that the Tories in North Somerset had such a large majority that they were arrogant towards everyone else and didn't listen. He was going to vote UKIP.

A slightly younger guy said he was not going to vote for one of the organised mainstream parties but BNP would be his first choice followed by UKIP.

All three agreed that the Prime Minister should stand down.

No-one mentioned expenses.

It is not the place of Mustard Seed Shavings to tell you how to vote but it encourages you so to do. However if you vote for the British National Party (BNP) you should know that you are voting for a party whose chairman Nick Griffin (according to today's Guardian) has a conviction for inciting racial hatred. His party spins a good yarn but it is racist. You must not vote for a racist party, mainstream or minority; organised or disorgansied. We've got beyond it and yet cannot act as if it doesn't exist. You must not.

The husband of the writer's dental hygienist is a Malaysian by birth and is going to vote in a British election for the first time ever tomorrow. He is very excited. We should remember that democracy is a privilege. Use your vote responsibly.

Buildings Projects

Please excuse me, international audience, for using MSS for a very local matter. Tonight we had the first of two public meetings about the church buildings projects at Holy Trinity, Nailsea. We had lots of good and helpful feedback.

Looking around the room I noticed the average age was quite high. In addition the feedback forms we have received do not seem to adequately represent the 25-45 age group. That age group may be more likely to read this than most.

So, if you are reading this, are a member of Holy Trinity or Trendlewood, did not fill in a form or attend tonight's meeting, cannot attend next weeks' meeting and are under 45 (phew) do email your feedback to the church office. They will take it into account, even at this late stage.

Other readers wanting to support our buildings projects can send money. Ask me how if you need to.

Summer

From a very early age I learned to dread the expression, 'It's going to be a beautiful summer's day.' For me, early summer means hay fever. Only a short season, but a bad one. I have a control mechanism. For a couple of weeks a year I try to stay indoors and keep the doors and windows shut. It used to be Wimbledon fortnight but that seems to have become later, or the spores start earlier. Then we started timing our annual leave to match it. The pollen season has started before that too. So please be aware that, despite the non-drowsy tabs I've popped, you will feel that I am more not-quite-there even than usual for a few days.