Sunday, June 28, 2009

What Reggie Did On Thursday

Pulling into Tescos to use the cash-point I could only park quite a way from the machine. As I walked towards it across the car park a vehicle drove in too fast, parked across two disabled spaces, and the occupant jumped out and joined the queue, niftily, in front of me.

'Excuse me, are you disabled?' I asked.
'Only be a minute,' he said.

I returned to my car and opened the boot, removed the floor cover and took out the wheel brace.

I returned, observed the man take his place at the Link machine and noted down his PIN. As he turned to face me, holding his pristine £30, I swung once and heard the satisfying crunch as machined metal contacted knee cap. He swore and collapsed. I took his wallet, which he had dropped and drew out another £100 which I stuffed deep into his car exhaust, followed by the wallet.

I took one of the small stickers from my own wallet, the ones that say:

I park in disabled spaces when I'm in a hurry

I placed it on the windscreen of his car, in his line of vision from the driver's seat.

I took my own money out of the cash point and, pausing only to smash his other knee, walked back to my car and on to Morning Prayers.

1 comment:

Mr Gnome said...

In a somewhat related manner, Ronnie, having been similarly piqued, unleashes a crystalline torrent of Wildean epigrams.

So wittily effective are these apercus that the offender melts, literally, in the manner of the W W of the W at the end of the W of O.

Most satisfying.

Next week, how to make a queue-jumping nun spontaneously combust.