34DD

Mrs Mustard has been resized. After many years of a particular bra size she has been done professionally and has changed. Coincidentally a friend of hers has been resized in the opposite direction - no surgery involved as far as I know, notwithstanding the news in the Sun that most men prefer fake ones to real ones.

Anyway the er, point is that today a consignment of new bras arrived in a 32 ton Scania articulated unit from John Lewis - never knowingly undersized - and I received the parcel and signed for it at 7.10 a.m.

Being a helpful and caring husband I texted to say 'The bras have landed' and then accidentally sent the text to someone other than Mrs M and deleted the copy. If it was you I apologise.

Annoying Adverts Part 412

Who can tell me what a standing order is?

Is it money that goes into your account?

You're nearly right.

Another bank/building society/financial institution showing us how down wid der kids they are in the world where wrong = nearly right. No idea which one it is and don't care.

Is it a good advert?

Yes.

You're nearly right.

Research

For research purposes I've been reading the Sun every Monday. Topless Kelly, 19 from Daventry laments the lack of skills of the modern meteorologist suggesting that '...it's not as though we are back in the days of da Vinci's 15th-century gravimetric hygrometer to measure atmospheric humidity is it?'

Sorry Kelly. Got distracted. What you say?

I love the fact that the Sun doesn't take itself too seriously.

That said, is this a genuine letter to the problem page or was it written by a bored sub:

I recently joined a cookery course and made a fabulous souffle. However someone else made one that puffed up even higher than mine. She was so smug about it that I poked hers with a fork to deflate it and now she wouldn't speak to me. Should I try to patch things up?

The Sun's advice:

People can get very touchy when they're being creative ... Tell her to get stuffed - that's my culinary advice.

3 million people a day buy this. More read it than that.

Hooligans

It used to be said that rugby was a game for hooligans played by gentlemen and football a game for gentlemen played by hooligans.

No longer true?

I caught this quote on the rugby show last night:

'I love rugby; you can hurt people without breaking the rules.'

Pre-nuptials

Catching up on the week's papers in bed on a Saturday morning, interrupted only by the task of making coffee for the elbow in my ribs and the need to go to the door for a parcel for the elbow, I noticed that a pre-nuptial agreement forged on the continent is being tested in the English courts.

It got me wondering if any Christian minister has conducted a wedding for a couple who have, to the minister's knowledge, signed a pre-nup. If you have, what did you do about the form of words which, in whatever denomination you work in, will be a version of:

All that I have I share with you

Teensiest little conflict eh?

Honesty

The other day, when I was a bit stretched, tired and hurried, I told someone quite specifically how I was feeling in response to a question and it elicited the response, 'I don't think I've ever known you be so honest.'

I have no idea what's going on in the mind of most of the rest of the world most of the time. I think that many of the world's problems are caused by people trying to second guess rather than being content not to know that which they have not been told specifically. But can I just say, and, as I've said before, it's my blog so I can, that if you ask me how I am and I say I am OK, I am OK. Just because I occasionally say I am not doing that well it doesn't mean that all the previous times when I said everything was fine it was a lie.

People. Who can fathom them? Why try?

Word of the Week

Thanks to Ian McMillan in the Guardian for teaching me isogloss. Lines on a map joining areas of similar pronunciation.

Easter Journey

Nailsea Town Centre 2010

Easter Journey

A nail in every story

March 27th–April 3rd

This Easter, in Nailsea town centre shop windows, find the thirteen pictures of Jesus’ life. Can you spot the nail in every picture?

Follow the journey from Orchards to Gilly’s Café.

Easter Journey is a Churches Together presentation

Hearing the Spiritual Dimension

A voice you know really well can reach you across a crowded room. It can cut through all the other voices. I find Mrs Mustard's laugh remarkably comforting in a crowd. I know she is there and I know she is having fun. She doesn't laugh at home much apart from when I undress.

In a small group of Alpha coursers we have been introducing the participants to the idea of a spiritual dimension. There is a God who speaks. Who intervenes. Who cares.

Interestingly this has involved some people reinterpreting pictures and ideas in their heads wondering if they have been ignoring or misunderstanding the voice of God for quite a long time. Others have discovered a new ability to see pictures which are relevant (when shared) but seem confusing at first. Speaking out what you see or hear is a brave step.

I am not an expert at this but I think it is a bit like tuning an old-fashioned radio. You twiddle the dial until the interference quietens. At first you tend to turn too far and go past the point at which the radio is tuned. You have to come back a bit.

Hearing God is about tuning the competing noises of Bible, fellow Christians and the still small voice which can, from time to time, whisper in the corners.

You should probably hear God all the time. But life makes so much inappropriate noise it can be hard to hear. Especially across a crowded world. But once you know it's him you can't ever forget or ignore it.

Now. What's he saying?

Appearances, Judgement and Book Preview

A woman stood in front of me at the check-out queue yesterday. She was maybe mid to late thirties. She had a boy of about eight or nine with her. She was not engaging with him particularly. He appeared bored.

She had placed her shopping on the conveyor but not the marker (what is that thing called?) to separate her shopping from the next customer's (mine). She stood in the wrong place so I couldn't easily start unloading my shopping.

'That is a selfish woman' I said to myself. She had given me three examples of it already. I found myself praying for her.

She had brought no bags with her (4). I followed her out (coincidentally, I'm not a stalker) and she was driving a huge gas-guzzler (5).

We pulled out of our spaces at the same time. She drove too fast across the car park (6).

My prejudices affirmed totally.

I recalled I had written this earlier in the week under the heading 'murder.'

... to observe the aggressive, angry, frustrated people we encounter day by day there must be something tragically wrong. Why do we become so intolerant when we get behind the wheel of a car or the guidance system of a supermarket trolley? Do people genuinely think that 'me first' is a more reliable route to a happy life than 'after you?' You would think that 'You shall not murder' had become the only rule with all steps stopping short of it being acceptable.

People tell me I am a patient person. I have many faults but I do manage to stay calm and not rush things by and large. The opposite of patience is not impatience but anger.

At a large supermarket in Arnold in Nottingham the car park, in the 1980s was roof-top. It was above the store. One had no idea how full the car park was without driving up the ramp to find out. The biggest frustration of my life was when, doing the weekly shop, I drove up the ramp in a procession of cars only to discover that it had become full and the queue of traffic to get in now reached back to the ramp. The ramp was too narrow to allow a u-turn so if there was a car behind there was no alternative. You were there for the duration. You had to wait for a space to appear. This could take a long time. I resolved one day when I was particularly stewed about something that I would simply observe, listen and enjoy my car radio, or the space to think. I can't begin to explain how many ideas for sermons I had from that day on in the queue. Problems got solved. Projects were hatched. My blood pressure went down.

There have been several changes in my life since then one of which is to shop daily rather than weekly and to do it on foot if at all possible. That way I maximise the number of people I bump into. It is better pastorally. But it is wonderful to enjoy thinking time provided by a late visitor, a traffic jam or a delayed train. You can't do anything about it so why not settle down into it. Certainly don't harbour resentment against someone who jumps the queue. Let them in with a cheerful wave, pray for them and give thanks for your more enlightened approach to life.

I don't always take my own advice. But I try to.

Football Quote of the Weekend

In studying a slow-motion replay of a possible penalty for handball, Dan O'Hagan on Match of the Day, who at first felt the ball hit a defender's arm involuntarily offered this....

Oh I don't know; the arm was hanging outside his body.

What should the defender have done with his arm?

Strong Government

(Car buffs - ignore any technical errors in the following conversation.)

Car sales: What sort of car are you looking for sir?

Customer: Well I fancied a Saab 9.3 Vector, turbo-diesel, 4 door convertible in metallic grey with a grey soft top.

Car sales: Sorry sir, we only do black soft-tops in some of the Vector convertible range. If you wanted a grey soft-top you'd need a 2 door or a conventional engine not a turbo-diesel.

Customer: In that case I think I'll buy a Skoda.

Why do politicians insist on saying that it is better to have strong government than government with a small majority, or even a coalition? People do not generally completely change their order when one small component of their preference is unavailable. 'I won't have a cooked breakfast because they have no mushrooms' syndrome. They live with it and work with it.

I have a slight preference for who wins the next election. I don't think it would be better to have the complete opposite of my preference than to have a government that can only act on that part of its manifesto with which it can get cross-party agreement. In fact that might even be stronger government than having a complete u-turn every five or ten years.

Juts a thought.

Easter Journey

We have, as Churches Together in Nailsea, managed to persuade a number of local shops to allow us to use their windows in Holy Week this year.

From Saturday 27th March to Saturday 3rd April a number of installations will be placed in shop windows, linking events from the life of Jesus as recorded in the Gospels with the use of the shop.

It will take about half an hour to walk round all of them (there will be thirteen) ending with a chance to to sit and reflect in a cafe.

As an activity for children each installation will contain a nail somewhere. Will they be able to find it?

It might be worth organising a trip. Your local Nailsea church will have a flier and details of where to find all the sites. Alternatively you might like to embark upon the exercise as a mystery trip and try and search for all the installations which will all be in Nailsea town centre shops.

Shops will have booklets to give away, explaining the trail. Most of the installations will also be visible at night but one or two of our participating shops have shutters and grilles.

Practical Jokes

I hate the sort of practical jokes that simply humiliate the victim at very little cost. They really ought to involve time and effort on the part of the perpetrator.

My youth worker colleague Mark has had his office done over. Everything in the office, and I mean everything, has been wrapped in aluminium foil.

The walls, the desk, the paper, the cabinets, the chair, the computer, the odds and ends (of which there are many) - all wrapped. It is now a place of great beauty. An art installation indeed.

Visit if you can.

What is a Priest for?

Mark Berry over at Way Out West has posted this by Vincent Donovan about being a priest. I think it absolutely rocks.

RAGGS

I used to run a small web-site called RAGGS - Random Acts of Good and Great Service - but it became obsolete. Nevertheless the principle was sound. No firm could ever get mentioned on it unless it provided one of our small team of roving reporters with outstanding service. We would never identify ourselves.

I think MSS is little enough known to take on the work without fear of bribery and corruption.

To begin with, and why I thought of this today, a word for the Post Office passport checking service. I took two passports in for renewal on Monday. They offer to get them back to you within two weeks unless there are mitigating circumstances. (Everyone leaving the country at once in a hurry?) I received the new passports today and just signed for them. Four days. Outstanding. Worth every penny of the extra £8.50 each for such peace of mind.

RAPPS - Random Acts of Particulary Poor Service was too scared of the libel laws to be bothered to exist.

Great Adverts

A few months ago I posted the really sad news that Mrs Mustard had proclaimed that hearing Mirrored by Battles in our house would be grounds for divorce. She has never, in 32 years used the D word before so boy she must dislike it some.

This same Mrs Mustard has regularly agreed with me that the Garrison Keillor voiced-over Honda adverts are just about the finest ever shown on television.

Well you know that new one? 'Everything we do is part of everything we do.' Guess what the backing track is? She has some thinking to do. I'll let you know.

Oh and 'Everything we do is part of everything we do' is a great team-work maxim by the way and may soon be replacing 'None of us is as smart as all of us' in my team-work training sessions. Not that I do many team-work training sessions these days. It's easier to model it than run a session.

But to intrigue you a bit, what team of twenty people has the main focus of its work in two or three nine second bursts, approximately fortnightly from March to November?

6 Music

Much has been written about BBC Six Music recently. I am like many others; from time to time I dropped in but simply not often enough to register on the audience figures. Like Woolworths - glad it was there but rarely visited. Not good enough.

Phill Jupitus kept me company on the breakfast show over a number of months.

One morning we had a text vote for whether or not to play Curtain Call by the damned in its full 18 minutes of overwrought gothic glory. Hundreds voted yes. Of course, by minute 10, most had changed their mind. That is the beauty of 6 Music. If you don't like what's on now, there's always something good on in a minute.

I love Phill, the populist polymath, but believe he should stick to comedy, poetry, panel games and DJing. Leave well alone the world of maths, there's a love.

Annoying Adverts Part 343

In Leamington Spa the incredibly chummy, yet still dull, account handler at my local bank told me to call him Dave. He was David. No way was he a Dave.

I haven't thought about him much recently until the two guys in the current Nat West advert:

'What are you up to today?'
'I'm off to see a client.'

No. Really. Wouldn't a more interesting answer be:

'I'm off to pour sugar into the petrol tank of the the bloke who borrowed money for an engagement ring and then bought a car.'

I bet both say 'Call me Dave.' They can't be being played by actors but only Halifax can do the make-our-staff-famous-by-putting-them-in-the-ads thing.

Terrible, terrible stuff.

The Whole Messy Guidance Thing Revisited

Ever had the experience of hearing someone say 'God guides by the Holy Spirit' as if that somehow settles matters? Only me then. Ah well.

Thing is, given the Christian doctrine of the Trinity (don't worry for now if you're not familiar), saying 'God guides by his Spirit' is a tautology. It is saying, because we believe the Holy Spirit is just as divine as God the Father or God the Son, that 'God guides by God.'

It doesn't take us any further forward.

Others say that it would be so much easier if we were back in the days of the Bible where God spoke so much more clearly. Depends which bit. Do you fancy the bit at the beginning of 1 Samuel where the word of the Lord was rare and there were not many visions? How about the time of the philosopher concluding all is useless and chasing after wind? How about the time when God clearly allowed Satan to kill Job's kids? Oh. Not those bits.

Even after a massive vision of a man beckoning to 'come on over to Macedonia' Luke records in Acts that the apostles 'concluded' that they had been called there. However powerful the word or vision the decision to act upon guidance, however slight, is still a human conclusion to be drawn. You know what? I reckon God cares far less about what you decide than your motive in deciding it in the first place and your attitude towards him in the decision you took.

Think there's a Mr Right out there for you? Of course there is. Pick someone and treat him like that. For worse, poorer and in sickness. Probably best to make sure, for the next few weeks at least, that he's not called Ashley but form is only temporary. Make your promises into truth.

Happiness is not having what you want; it's wanting what you have. In the absence of evidence to the contrary, act today as if God has put you exactly where you are, doing exactly what you are doing.

Bob Dylan, in one of his moments of Christian lucidity said, 'No-one does what's right; they just do what they want and then repent.' Guy had a point.

Guidance got you where you are today. If God wants you somewhere else he has ways.

Now. What's next?

What Do You Think?

I had an interesting phone call the other day. The reason for the call, as expressed right at its beginning, was to find out what my opinion was of some intended policy. The course of action was then explained to me at some length and I asked a couple of questions to clarify. At this point I was thanked for my helpfulness and the conversation terminated. I suppose I could have shouted, 'Wait, wait, you haven't heard my opinion.' I suspect that would have been a complete waste of time. Anyone who forgets to listen to the views they have imagined they called to procure has a different problem.

So, life skill whatever we have got to. If you want to run something past someone to hear how it sounds as you speak it, do so. Don't tell them you want their opinion, unless you do. By the way I am a married man whose partner gets home from work. I can provide this service. I am good at it.

If you do want an opinion, spend time listening to it. Obvious? Apparently not.