Weird Stuff Said to Vicars

Today we had our annual memorial/thanksgiving service. It is good to have an event in the calendar to reconnect with those to whom we have had a funeral ministry. I don't normally do this but on such an occasion I tend to position myself at the door to welcome. A dog collar can, in some circumstances, be reassuring.

So, a lady arrives with a zimmer and needs to go to the loo so I leave my place at the outside door and open the toilet door for her. It is only a little way along the corridor. As I return I get completely in the way of a couple trying to come in through the door.

'Sorry, I say. 'I'm trying to be useful but I'm making a mess of it.'

As the couple wander into church one says to the other, 'I think that's the first time I've ever heard a vicar being honest.'

If you want to be a great vicar I remind you. The bar is set very low.

The Old Joint Stock

Most people who haven't been to Birmingham think it sucks big time. Almost everyone who spends any time there begins to love it. The trees; there are many. The canals; more miles than Venice. I could go on. I will. The architecture; a picture of young and old getting on fine. The venues, the museums, the people - all great. The city is beginning to get dress sense too. There are a lot of cool people walking around town. People who know what it's all about and how to show it. I popped home today to have lunch with my boy and just loved it.

But the place we went, The Old Joint Stock next to St Phillip's Cathedral, is a delight. To start with it's a Fullers pub, one of the few outside the capital. The London Pride is lovely.

Secondly the menu is interesting. We shared a soupy beef casserole and bread. One big pot for two delivered to the table with a serving spoon. Very civilised.

Thirdly, it's a converted bank (the name's a clue). There can be no greater delight than going home to a place you love. Add to that two hours of good company with one of your own kind and the pleasure overflows. But the explosion of wonderfulness is complete when you go for a post pint pee and find that the toilets used to have another use. You are relieving yourself in a room that is labelled Bank Manager.

Loved it.

Tidiness

I was putting my trolley back in the shelter thingy (what is it called?) in Tesco's car park. I always do this neatly following the Don Humphries' houseparty boarding school hire motto - always leave places tidier than you find them. So sometimes I rearrange a whole load of trolleys so they don't block the parking spaces. Then you get invited back, in the case of the schools, or are just a useful member of society, in a car park.

I was vaguely aware that the bloke who had just placed his trolley had also been neat. As I walked away he turned and said, 'Why is it only the men who do that? The women just shove 'em in anyhow.'

I suggested it was not all men who did it but that it was because the two of us were obviously well brought up and came from north of here (in his case well north). He nodded sagely.

It was a nice moment of contact with a fellow human being both of whom had accidentally discovered the other doing something good without seeking credit.

But is it true? Let's have a MSS sample survey. Do you put your trolley back neatly?

Cry Wolf

There was once a little boy who looked after sheep. Bored one day he cried ‘wolf’. Everyone ran to see if he needed help. The little boy lay on his back and laughed.

Amazed at the attention this poor behaviour attracted he waited a few days and then cried wolf again. Once more the whole village ran up the hill to save him from this non-existent predator.

This time they were angry. ‘Don’t do that again,’ said one old man, ‘or we may ignore you when there is a real wolf.’

He did it again.

Some time later there was a real wolf. The boy cried ‘Wolf, wolf’. But everyone ignored him. The wolf went into town and ate them all, one by one.

The moral of this story is twofold.

Firstly, do not imagine that all stories which sound the same are the same. Secondly, treat all fire alarms as fires, however annoying they might be.

The Boss?

I've been a great fan of good leadership for a long time. I try to practice it. You will have to ask the led how it's going.

I have spent hours discussing the difference between leadership and management, mentoring and coaching, teaching and training. I've never thought through the difference between a leader and a boss so I like this post on The Practice of Leadership site by George Ambler, tweeted by Tony Morgan.

By the way I learned everything useful about leadership by being on a team, then running, a CYFA Venture for 27 years. If you don't know where to start then ask CPAS if they need any help on Ventures this year? If you are 14 - 18 go on one. It will change your life.

Aspect Ratio

We have a new projector in the school hall in which our congregation meets. Whenever this sort of thing happens there is always period of 'bedding in' as projectionists, laptop software and new hardware get used to each other.

We did rather well today, with a lot of adaptation as we went along to shrink words to fit the screen. But we couldn't quite fix the problem of a one character overlap. Whenever a sentence reached right to the end of the line (and this doesn't happen that often because word packages tend not to break words up) we lost the last two letters.

I was trying to think ahead as to whether this might cause any accidental obscenities and warned the congregation appropriately. I couldn't think of any until, in one of the prayers, we thought of feeding the hung.

We're so generous we share our bread with the dead. I guess Nailsea becoming Nails might seem a bit theological. It could have been worse. Any offers of words that get substantially more interesting for the loss of the final two letters?

Four Tet

Kieran Hebden is one of the great reinventors of the music business. Every album I own of his (he performs as Four Tet) is a new genre. Yet all strangely, and obviously, his work.

Noises made by kids toys share your ears with samples, rhythm tracks and wonderful musicianship. He does the lot himself by and large.

I've never seen him live but look forward to doing so one day. Apparently when he tours a new album he sometimes doesn't play any of it but simply improvises a couple of hours set and then wanders off. You may catch him in a slightly manic, industrial mood so this is not a gig I'm going to with any but about three special gig-goer companions. He's my kind of guy though.

As an introduction watch and listen to Twenty Three off the Pause album here. Stick it for 49 seconds until the guitar comes in; you won't be disappointed. But don't buy or download any album on the basis of this. As I said; every album is a new departure. All the music shops I ever visit seem to categorise it differently. Dancy trippy loungy trance-core. That just about covers it

Fixing Broken Britain

Excuse me, I have a question. Don't hold your head like that. I know I often say I have a question when really I mean I want to impose my opinions upon you but live with it. There will be no views at the end of this.

So let me get it straight in my head. Conservative political philosophy includes the important view that governments should intervene less. People should be freed from legislation, red tape and bureaucracy to be able to run their lives. We should be given freedom.

OK so far? Good. Come back with me to about 1962 or 3 and my friend Bill has been invited round for tea. I say 'my friend.' My friendship with Bill, and my sister's with his sister Roxanne (I've changed these names by the way), was based on the fact that our respective mothers and fathers were friends. When our parents wanted to meet up we had to play together nicely.

I was given quite a lot of freedom by my parents and my sister and I enjoyed a large play-room which was not either of our bedrooms and which was always a mess. Every now and again a parent would come and supervise its tidying but by and large you had to walk on toys to get across the room. Lots of things got broken and Bill said, one day, 'You break everything.' He was right, although it has taken me nearly half a century to get round to acknowledging it. I wasn't naturally tidy or careful.

Some time later I worked out that I wanted to be tidy and careful with stuff and have been ever since. I think that 'some time later' may have been about seven years or so.

So my question is this. If your political philosophy is not to intervene and your economic philosophy is to lower taxes and let people keep as much of their money as possible, how will the play room get tidy and the toys get fixed by themselves? Are they willing to wait the inordinately long time for all the people to come to their senses in this big country. Have they noticed that after a major upheaval (Iraq, Haiti) citizens are more likely to loot than play nicely? Stuff gets broken. I only ask.

And if you have dealt with that one then a follow up. How much of a toy has to be broken before it is described as 'broken.' The aerial snaps off a model car. Broken? The paintwork gets scratched. Broken? The passenger door falls off when you open it. Broken? Grandma stands on it. OK it is bust now. She was a hell of a woman, but you get the question, I hope.

I suspect that describing Britain as broken might be, do you not agree, just a wee bit premature? It is a very big toy to allow a nation to play with unsupervised. And if most of it still works reasonably well, yet the potential incoming government are going to describe it as broken and try to fix it without money or laws? Maybe magic wands would be as likely to work? Do you not agree?

Everything Scrapping with Everything Else

DJ 'jamin goes by his more regular name of Ben Tilley these days and occasionally sends me links to mixes he has done. Remember the days we used to make each other mix tapes? Pah. Long gone.

With a parental guidance warning around the one third through mark I think this is some of his best work for a long time. Good to hear him mixing mainstream tunes (Lily Allen, Dizzy Rascal) but also a lovely outing for my old Tom Tom Club single Wordy Rapping Hood which I rediscovered in his bedroom after he'd left home.

This one was mixed live. Respect.

Lent

I've gone a bit purple again and heard Lucy Winkett talk of the season as 'the sad, springtime of the church' on Radio 4's Thought for the Day today.

A moments chit chat please. Springtime is good, exciting and even the rain which falls today seems to be a warm, promising, spring shower and not, as my Aunty Brenda used to call it, 'that wet rain.'

Penitience = good. Reflection = good. Sadness = blind alley.

We haven't just chucked Jesus out into the wilderness again. He's not dead or going encore to his death. We don't have to wait until Easter Sunday to say Jesus is alive. He is alive through lent, pain and sadness. He will be alive on Good Friday. The church's year is about festival and memorial; not recreation.

You are allowed to be happy for the next six and a half weeks.

Annoying Adverts Part 327

The First World War song by Harry Cohen, Over There is part of the canon of its genre and soon will enjoy its centenary. I take you then to the production meeting of one of many agencies asked to pitch for the business of an internet insurance comparison web-site. In these meetings no idea is laughed out of the room. All are heard with respect.

'I know' says a school kid on placement, 'Let's get an Italian with a curly moustache flying over a restaurant singing Go Compare to the tune of Over There. Let's make sure he looks like a fat tenor and give him an obvious false moustache.'

Same kid didn't know the expression 'Thank your lucky stars' so the coda of the piece is same flying man crescendoing (sorry) 'You will thank your stars that you went to Go Compare.'

No, I don't know if that's how it happened, or how they got the business eventually. I used to work for a fine insurance company which gave its policy holders wonderful posters of eagles from around the world. How did it go so wrong? I blame Michael Winner.

Oh Dear, What Can the Matter Be?

When I left St John's College, Nottingham in 1984 it coincided with the end of tenure for two of the college's tutors, Tom Smail and Harold Miller; also Dick McInney of Nottingham University's theology department and a great friend of the College moved on.

A service was held at which the Bishop of Bradford preached. Half way through he said something along the lines of, 'This is true whether you are Tom, Dick or Harry.' There was uproar. The Rev'd Harold Miller, now Bishop of Down and Dromore, had never been known as Harry. We had not spotted it.

Ever since then I have always kept an eye on names. Brides who will have an entertaining married name or initials, groups of people who are er, groups of people, but it has never been as much fun as last night.

I locked up after Alpha. I didn't do as comprehensive a check-round as usual because the last two people had been chatting way after everyone else had left so I had watched everyone else leave the Trinity Centre and head for home. There was one lonely coat on the coat rack but there often is. It's the rules.

I walked away from the building and heard a frantic banging on the door behind me. It was Eileen. Behind her Betty and Beryl. You can tell from the names that these are not youth group members I think. I opened the door again and they went to get their coats. These included the one on the coat stand but also some left in the main room still, how observant am I? 'We were talking in the toilets,' said Eileen.

As they went it occurred to me that I hadn't checked the lights in the loos and, sure enough, both gents and ladies lights were on. Illumination also came to me in a Bishop of Bradford moment. Dare I ask them?

As Betty, Eileen and Beryl left I dared ask. 'Excuse me,' I said, 'But are you three old ladies?'

'Yes,' they said, 'You locked us in the lavatory. Don't tell anyone.'

I won't.

Alter-ego

It is said that to make yourself into a soap star you take your unused Christian name and the name of the road in which you first lived. Easy. I become James Oakfield. Could be on the box pretty soon I reckon.

To find your alter ego as a porn star you take the name of your first pet and your mother's maiden name. Hmm. Tiny Base. Don't think I'd get much work, thank goodness.

Methodism in the Madness

Someone wise and sceptical once said that when two denominations of the church merge a third is formed. Well, whilst retaining maximum respect for the principles of Primitive Methodists and Strict and Particular Baptists I welcome this news.

It will save me a lot of time having to work out how to get appropriate authority for a Methodist lay preacher who may join us at Holy Trinity and Trendlewood. I did nothing to solve a problem and look what a creative solution God produced.

Comedy and Politics

Mark Thomas, another hero of mine, has been touring the country over the last few months asking audiences to suggest new policies to change the world. His show then revolves around debating them, mixing the surreal and ridiculous (behead Noel Edmonds) with the authentic demand for change (build more council houses).

Amongst my favourites, as outlined by Thomas in a Guardian article this week were:

• Fatty foods should be displayed in very narrow aisles
• Anyone advocating homeopathic remedies should be allowed these only, when seriously ill
• Mecca Bingo halls should be made to face east
• Anyone in favour of banning immigration should be placed on a register and refused permission to travel abroad
• Mediums should be imprisoned using a combination lock; if they and their spirit guide can find the number they are free to go

Money has been put up so that a candidate might eventually stand on the, probably more serious, policies eventually agreed. Details here.

Dirk

My literary hero is not one of the colossi of the classical canon but the late Douglas Adams' creation Dirk Gently. Dirk is a holistic detective. He believes in the ultimate inter-connectedness of all things. If you haven't read the eponymous first book or The Long, Dark Tea-Time of the Soul then leave now and come back later when you have. It will help you with this blog. Trust me. Dirk believes that following any car is as good as following that car. Why am I telling you this?

There is something about doing something else that is always helpful. Whilst I start my day with prayer and meditation I also start it with a number puzzle. Not too demanding but as the correct answers to a killer Sudoku drop into place I somehow find my day drops into place. I leave just enough grey matter unoccupied to work out how the day will happen whilst exercising the rest of it. Works for me.

I have cleared the best part of the next three weeks day-time to finish a book ('I'm a very slow reader' - Frank Muir). The act of writing anything will get me up to speed. I'll probably blog stuff when I'm blocked about the main thing.

In a world that is the work of one creator it should not be surprising that things are connected. When you are stuck, doing something else will fix the thing you are meant to be doing more often than not. That final crossword clue can be solved after a break. A holiday restores your mind as well as your body.

Maybe that's why, when the disciples told Jesus that everyone was looking for him (because healing was required and there was a queue), he said, 'Let's go somewhere else' (Mark 1:38). Not only because his priority was preaching over healing but that somehow this would solve both problems. Just a thought for the day, only more chit chatty. Don't go mad. Douglas Adams died on an exercise bike aged 49, The Salmon of Doubt, the third Dirk novel, frustratingly uncompleted. Laters.

Reflections on a Momentous Few Days

You kind of hope that God is at work in the church all the time. I certainly believe that, even when the word of the Lord is rare and there are not many visions, as it was in 1 Samuel 3:1.

But about 20 months ago, when the Diocese of Bath and Wells decided that the Rectory, a ramshackle Georgian affair next to Holy Trinity Church, would be sold between Rectors, Holy Trinity and Trendlewood, Nailsea embarked on a period where a few people thought about how we could keep it. We discarded the usual Anglican question 'Why?' We exchanged it for 'Why not?'

Why not buy it and use it as offices, conference space, cafe, accommodation, meeting rooms, storage, a studio or retreat? The vision was an endless stream of excitement. This was great, and also one of the difficulties. Many folks asked why we were considering buying a building when we hadn't decide to what use we might put it. Why? But we would, if we bought it, have years to fix its use. Indeed it might become the sort of flexible space that would have a new lease of life in several different forms over its next century. Why not? We had one shot at buying or lose it for ever.

We became aware of several 'I wouldn't start from here' moments. There was a recession. We had two other projects on the go which would need just under half a million pounds to complete. We were in a vacancy. The Diocese would want the money for the sale quickly.

But the vision niggled away and a small group of people did some feasibility studies, had some preliminary surveys done and arranged for a group of young adults to rent the building in the meantime to keep it occupied, warmed and vandal-free.

It also seemed essential that the next step for leadership of this amazing church was to produce a parish profile and person specification for a new Rector which might attract the sort of applicant who would say 'Why not?' A visionary leader over and above all the gifts and skills you might want in a Rector. It seems to have worked.

Throughout all this we made it clear that any news or developments would be shared first and foremost not on a Sunday but with the parish prayer meeting on the first Wednesday evening of every month. Numbers, which had slumped to 10-15 a time grew to 40-60 and have stayed high.

We embarked on more detailed proposals and an in-house, recently retired architect did us some free drawings. We had, as we had done with the vision-building the year before, several open meetings where everyone's views were listened to and recorded. At first we were spilt three ways between yes, no and don't know. Then the don't knows turned to yesses. Then one or two of the nos began to change.

At the decisive PCC meeting before we launched our appeal for money there was a wonderful speech from someone who had changed his mind. In effect he said that the project was ridiculous, would only work if God blessed it, but that the history of our church was of many other projects such as that. It was simply that this one was bigger and grander than anything previously envisaged. It had a lot of noughts. He was in. It would be a lie to say everyone was in. We had a fairly high profile resignation by someone who was unconvinced. I respect that. But the eventual vote was nem con.

Our initial thought had been to do a substantial amount of grant-application and fund-raising but my new Rector colleague gently corrected us. If this was our project we should pay for it and trust people to be generous.

And so we pulled together all our projects and gave them a spiritual rather than a buildings focus. We want to get our plant right so we can reach out to the community, the region and, possibly the whole of the south-west. We want our generosity to bless others, not ourselves.

The Trinity Project Gift Day was for lump sums of £400,000 and pledges of £400,000 more, spread monthly, for ten years.

We preached our hearts out about faithfulness, vision, stewardship and surrender. I had no idea what the outcome would be, but I knew I had helped respond to a little voice in my head back in May 2008 that said, 'I think we should buy it.'

Liz and I seriously considered putting all our savings in. We had a long talk about it. We didn't. Our reasoning was largely due to other members of our family occasionally making financial demands on us and our needing to have some money left to help. It meant a lot to me that as I was writing out a cheque for the amount we had decided to give I had a message from a member of the family who needed money in a hurry. I have never been so pleased to get a demand for £400. It felt that it validated our decision to leave some cash in the bank.

On the actual Gift Day I was happy to be on holiday. That's how much I left the results to God.

When the cash, cheques and pledges were counted a few days later and the results announced to a well-attended prayer-meeting we had this result:

Cash in hand from previous fund raising and available to pump-prime the project £130,000
Donations on the day £200,000
Reclaimable tax £50,000
Grants to date £10,000
Total £390,000

Monthly pledges for ten years £38,000 a year or £380,000

Interest free loans to aid cash-flow £190,000

Not all the responses are in but roughly 200 people have contributed, some so generously it can't all be gift-aided in the same year.

I did a little towards it myself, drafting leaflets and profiles. Others did what I shall call 'the work.'

I have never heard of this level of generosity outside the stock-broker belt. It is twenty times more than any gift day I have ever been involved in.

I stand in awe. We wanted to walk on water. We got out of the boat.

Revisited Quotes 8

We are so used to a leaven of falsehood in all we hear and say, nowadays, that nothing is more likely to deceive us than the absolute truth.

Miss Dunstable, Framley Parsonage, John Trollope 1861

Revisited Quotes 7

Our present cultural malaise is, 'caused by consumerism itself - the idea that everything on the planet can be converted into cash, that work is work only if it is paid for, and a pleasure is pleasure only if it is purchased.'

Phil Wall quoting Deborah Orr of the Independent, Third Way, October 1999

Revisited Quotes 6

The assumption that accumulation of knowledge signifies intellect is outmoded.

Independent on Sunday 29/10/00

Revisited Quotes 5

Jews have thrived in this country because this is not a religious country. Here, Christianity is - in general - deprived of its edge by the good old Church of England.

David Aaaonovitch, the Independent, 20/2/98

Revisited Quotes 4

'Liberal' no more determines that a person is not really Christian than 'evangelical' guarantees that somebody is a genuine Christian.

Dave Tomlinson, The Post Evangelical, 1995

Revisited Quotes 3

...it is still almost impossible to discuss (drugs) sensibly in the public arena, because only the most censorious opinions can be expressed without immediate scandal.

Rob Draper/Brian Draper, Third Way, December 1996