Jesus on Wheels

At the start of the holiday season a reminder that if you are going somewhere Jesus on Wheels hasn't been he would love to accompany you. I'll get him to you. Take him, snap him and return him. He's only four inches tall and quite light.

Great Tits

Towards the end of the fledging period both adult great tits using our garden nesting box were flying a sortie every couple of minutes to deliver food. We could hear the noise of at least three chicks in the box but we only saw one actually fledge. This was about ten days ago.

Having not seen any of them for a few days I took the box down to clean it out and found a beautiful, moss-lined nest. Sadly it also contained the decaying bodies of three chicks that hadn't lived. So sad the sight; so bad the smell.

Still, box cleaned, nest and dead chicks composted and box repositioned for the next contenders.

Eurovision 2010

If you missed it, this is what you missed:

Azerbaijan
'Drip Drip.' 'You smell like lipstick.' Eh? Female vocalist with pleasingly short dress but oops, only seventeen. Bookies favourite.

Spain
'Something Tiny.' Spain tend to go all novelty. Boy do these people not want to host next year. Real clock-work toys. How can you possibly put so much energy into something so unnecessary? They got to go again because someone interrupted them in a way no-one noticed.

Norway
'My Heart is Yours.' Shenandoah meets Titanic. At the key change there was no agreement as to which key to change to and several were chosen. If in doubt, sing louder. Keep the heart; take the oesophagus.

Moldova
'Run Away.' Fiddler with a mullet. True Europop is safe. Malfunction in the underwear department left us with stockings held up badly by over-long suspenders. Neither funny nor sexy.

Cyprus
'Time Changes Everything.' 4/4. Not that this will improve with age. Quite sweet. 'Make me a whore with the chemist.' Surely no chance apart from Greek points.

Bosnia Herzegovina
Not so much a key change as a song change. 'If we start breeding together we can bring the rain down.' Backing singers' outfits 10/10. Several songs tonight have not so much ended as expired breathily.

Belgium
'Me and my Guitar.' Solo singer. Should have brought the band. Pleasant change though. Popular in the arena.

Serbia
'Ovo je Balkan.' Imagine Jerry Dammers waking up in Belgrade with a hangover and a keyboard.

Belarus
'Butterflies.' What language is this in? Oh, English. Boyzonegoal. Backing singers grew wings. Really. 'No girl under eight will fail to ask for an outfit like that for Christmas.' (Graham Norton)

Ireland
'It's For You.' I'm waiting for everyone to grow wings now. Can't help it. B(all)ad. Key change.

Greece
'Opa!' Panathinaikos Shed End. Last minute equaliser. Lyre, lyre, drums on fire.

UK
'That Sounds Good to Me.' To who? Backing vocals off key. Very, very poor.

Georgia
'Shine.' You just knew the techno was going to cut in. It didn't. Lass can sing though. Massive pair of er, lungs.

Turkey
'We Could Be the Same.' Power pop, Euro-goth-rock hip-hop shock. Awesome. Stripping robot.

Albania
'It's All About You.' Perfectly acceptable café Europop. No chance. Fiddler on the hoof.

Iceland
Missing pie riddle solved. She shopped at Iceland. We wrecked the economy and diverted your planes. Left no time for song writing.

Ukraine
'Sweet People.' Frail lass. Wraith-like. Good work. No one cared.

France
'Allez olla olé.' Europop of the required standard 'cept it's the French. Dum di dum di di dum, dum di dum di di dum, dum di dum di di dum dum. Possible the worst dance routine in the history of dance routines.

Graham Norton; 'There is a drinking game where you take a shot for every mullet or violin.' Participants probably died during Moldova.

Romania
Two see-through Siamese pianos. Ah woah oh oh oh oh. Ah woah oh oh oh oh. The tightest leather catsuit I've ever seen. And I'm old and a persistent ogler of such.

Russia
'Lost and Forgotten.' Hope it is. Miss de Burgh. Petals fell from the roof. Singer brought along a sketch of his cell-mate to sing to. Jumpers.

Armenia
'Apricot Stone.' Hair and boob extensions. The apricot on stage sprouted at the key change. Possibly singing in Geordie.

Germany
'Satellite.' Nice rhythm. Bit different. Could do well. Liked it. (It won.)

Portugal
Há Dias Assim. Sorry. I switched off at chord two.

Israel
'Milim.' Missed the last few highs. Everyone loved it. The favourite. No idea why.

Denmark
'In a Moment Like This.' Every step you take; every move you make, I'll be sampling you. Looked like Stewart Copeland duetting with Myleene Klass. Twelfth key change in about thirteen songs.

Until next year then.

Banking Blues

Pull up a chair. Grab yourself a glass of something refreshing. I am going to tell you a tale. A saga more like. I'd call it a fable but I'm blowed if I know what the moral is yet except to say some progress is, and will always be, backwards.

It begins, surprisingly, with my thinking ahead and planning. I know, I know. I'll try to stop.

Last year, whilst on holiday, my bank stopped my credit and debit cards after the first time I tried to use them in Malta. When I arrived home there was a voice mail on my home phone, from the bank, asking if I had been trying to use my cards overseas. Due to the 'extraordinary activity' they had put a stop on my cards 'for safety's sake.' Of course, being in Malta trying to use my cards made access to my home voicemail a little difficult. It is the sort of thing I go on holiday to get away from.

So I looked at my internet banking site to find out if there was a simple way to tell my bank about a forthcoming trip abroad. There was not, apart from phoning, so I phoned and managed to get through the various number-entering activities that put me through to a fine young man called Mohammed.

I explained what I wanted and he told me that he'd note it but that he could not promise that my cards would not be stopped again. He gave me two numbers to call in case it did happen again. He started to ask about other things but, dragging him back to my point and my reason for calling, I got him to note my mobile number so they could, at least, call me on a phone I might have with me if they needed to. My dictation took two goes but we got there in the end.

Then he asked if I knew that my instant saver account no longer gave me more than 0.01% interest and did I want to upgrade it? You bet I did. I wondered why nobody had told me about this. I was told it was my job to check my savings.

I was transferred to someone else who went through some security questions and then told me about the possible upgrades. When I expressed interest she said one of her colleagues would phone me back in ten minutes to make the arrangements.

The phone did indeed ring ten minutes later and, resisting the overwhelming desire to ask the caller to go through some security questions of my choosing, I went through some security questions of theirs. I then took out an ISA and a new savings account. I asked what would happen to the obsolete account with no interest and no money in it and was told it could only be cancelled in writing or by calling in to my branch. If I do nothing it will simply sit there and smirk, like my old, uncancelled credit cards.

I refused an upgrade to my account which would have cost me more per month and given me several services I didn't need, such as a fourth lot of mobile phone cover and a third of emergency breakdown assistance. I have never lost a phone and avoid it being stolen by always using an uncool one. If I have a breakdown I take the cork out of my assistance.

Towards the end of the conversation, and I have to say I enjoyed the irony of this, the bank employee asked if I was planning to go on holiday this year and if there were any travel services they could offer me.

Older

Thanks to those of you who used Facebook, the post or face-to-face to deliver greetings yesterday on the occasion of my annual step towards the grave. Mrs Mustard left me a chocolate cake to share in the afternoon with my small Quiet Day group who were with me. When I returned from Morning Prayer there was a Tesco's football field cake on the doorstep from another friend. One of the Quiet Day guests brought a home-made Victoria sponge cake and the young people who were with me in the evening, having stuck 'Happy Birthday Steve' to a bench outside church brought a coffee and walnut cake. I like cake. I now have enough. There will be cake after church on Sunday

Initiation

You know there are several different things an organisation might make you do if you wanted to take out membership. Fill out an application form. Register online. Pay a subscription. Undergo an interview. Call in to one of our branches.

How far down the list, how far down the list of possible induction proceedures would you expect to find, 'Be plunged into a large amount of cold water?'

And we wonder why the church is struggling. Just a thought.

Ashes to Ashes to Ashes

The original premise of Life on Mars, back in the day, was that a 21st century cop got a bang on the head and found himself in 1973. It was a brilliant conception. The writers left the ending of series 2 ambiguous. No-one was left the wiser as to whether Sam Tyler had died, remained in a coma or lost his marbles.

In carrying on to series 3 now updated in its Bowieness to Ashes to Ashes they needed a new angle to avoid more of the same and so Alex Drake, another modern cop, gets shot and she ends up in 1981. The same question hangs, am I mad etc, but allowing inter-action with the 70s crew, now ten years older and struggling with the arrival of technology, psychological profiling, recorded interviews and paperwork, makes for some fun cameos. Everyone did think Betamax was better quality than VHS. Then. And of course, firing up the red Audi Quattro was fun too.

The early days of anti-racism, anti-sexism and, gasp, human rights for scum, are carefully chronicled allowing those of us who were alive then to remind ourselves that, yes, we were really like that.

Governments wanting to return power to the local police need to be very aware of what the local police used to do with it and why it was taken off them, or only handed over with accountability in tow.

Last night's final episode cleared up the loose ends of what has been really going on. Everything was not quite as we thought but it all makes sense now. Don't look at Wikipedia if you haven't seen it yet. It has a plot spoiler which is annoying.

Philip Glenister's Gene Hunt was a larger than life bully governor and needed a strong antagonist. In Daniel Mays as Jim Keats, the Discipline and Complaints Officer who is investigating Hunt's CID team, I think they came up with one of the best caricature characters I have ever seen. A delight, and brilliantly played.

As the series ends, apparently for all time, a new character walks in to 1983 and asks if anyone has seen his iPhone. He could have walked into 2003 and no-one would have been the wiser. How soon we forget and take for granted. Our children will see as rights those things which we fought for and as necessaries those things which were our luxuries.

How Many?

I once said to a group of people whilst responding to their feedback in a plenary session, 'I have two things to say in response to that, no make that three.'

The prophet Bob heckled, 'Why not hedge your bets and go for six; you can always stop short and we'll all be pleased.'

I learned always to say, 'I have a number of responses' from then on.

I thought of this again recently as I have seen a number of tweets, articles and posts of the 'x things right/wrong with [thing]' type.

7 habits of highly effective people
10 commandments of management
4 reasons for a dysfunctional team
6 steps to improve your prayer life

Maybe I follow too many Southern Baptist pastors. Still, I feel sure that these posts are of the blunderbuss (a gun that fires lots of small shot, American chums) type. Everything the person knows about the subject is fired against a wall and then the hits are counted. Highly effective people have way more than seven good habits. Probably, ooh, 342. There is only one commandment of management; 'How can I help you do your job better?' It takes real skill to work out precisely how many ways there could be to make a team dysfunctional. At the last count I'd reached 427 but teams amaze me again and again with their ability to recover from seeming dysfunctionality. You can't improve your prayer life. That's trying to improve God. You either have one or you don't. Live with it.

See what I mean. So, 4 top tips for reading blogs:

1. Be slow to take offence; it was probably a joke
2. If you don't like the post there will be another one along in a bit
3. Join in. Comment, don't lurk
4. Share if you like it
5. Damn

1 top tip for suggesting a specific number of things that are right/wrong:

1. Don't

News from Damaris

I gladly share this message from Damaris:

Damaris publishes official trailer for the film Reflection which was created by 6th formers (film releases online at www.globalstudentforum.org/reflection on 3rd June 2010).

Every year about 9 million children die before their 5th birthday - mostly from entirely preventable causes. School 6th formers who attended the Global Student Forum were so shocked by this that they responded immediately to Jon Snow's challenge to create a concept and storyboard for a short film that would wake people up to the fact that we can change this.

There were many, high quality, entries but the winner came from a group of Sixth Formers at Kesteven and Grantham Girls' School. Their concept was to show two girls going through their morning routine - one in a rich suburb in the UK and one in poor area of Africa. They wanted to show how our ordinary daily actions impact children in developing countries - and how important it is for us to make a change in our daily lives here if we are to make an ongoing change for good in this world.

Global Student Forum commissioned a team of film professionals to work with the winning students to turn their concept into reality - and the result is a 7 minute film called 'Reflection' which has already received this commendation from David Puttnam:

'The students from Kesteven and Grantham Girls School clearly understand the power of film to affect the viewers' hearts and minds. I hope that many people will see their excellent short film and that it will change, for good, many hearts and minds around the world.' Lord David Puttnam (Film Director and President of the Film Distributors' Association)

On 3rd June 2010, the film these students have made will be released for viewing and download on www.globalstudentforum.org/reflection. But right now you can see a 1 minute trailer for the film.

Will you please:

Look at the trailer on www.globalstudentforum.org/reflection
Support the film's facebook page www.facebook.com/gsfreflection
Make a diary entry for 3rd June 2010 - when the film is published on www.globalstudentforum.org/reflection
Pass this message on to others and join with us all in making a difference to the millions of children who die each year from preventable causes

Many thanks,

Steve Alexander
Managing Administrator for Damaris

Youth Worker Needed

The following advert is going out this week in various publications. Anyone appointed would not report to me but to my colleague the Rector of Holy Trinity. However I'd be a colleague. I would be delighted to have informal conversations with anyone interested.

Holy Trinity and Trendlewood Church, Nailsea, North Somerset
Youth Worker

We are a lively evangelical church in the thriving community of Nailsea. We aim to be a biblical, prayerful and Jesus-centred community with a vision to:
Reach others with the love of Christ
Serve the local community
Resource the wider church

We are looking for an enthusiastic, committed and experienced youth worker to join our leadership team. You will give fresh direction to our youth work and committed team of volunteers building on relationships with local schools and reaching out to young people outside the church. We have a vision for enabling our young people to play a full part in the life and mission of the whole church.

You will be a committed Christian and confident in an evangelical faith and life style. A passion for young people, leadership experience or potential and ability to relate to a wide range of people will be essential.

Employment Equality (Religion or Belief) Regulations Section 7.2 and/or Section 7.3 applies.

Salary in the range of JNC scale 7-14 (£17,471 - £23,148 a year) according to experience and/or qualifications.

Closing date: Tuesday 8th June at 12 noon

Interview date: Tuesday 22nd June

For an application form and further information please go to www.htnailsea.org.uk/information.htm

How ill is ill?

What I would love to do, just once, is get inside the body of someone when they say 'I don't feel well.' I'd like to know how it compares to me when I don't feel well.

There are those people who seem only motivated by their own victimhood. They have nothing to say unless something is wrong with them? They look excited at the mention of 'How are you?'

Others come across as stoical in the face of accident or illness maybe walking into a room holding their damaged arm in the other one and saying things are a bit sticky right now.

Whenever I start to feel under the weather I hear a virtual female chorus of man flu man flu man flu. How could I know pain if I haven't had a baby? It's a fair point although two lots of scrotal surgery and wisdom teeth out by local anaesthesia must count for something. Heck, did I write that aloud?

Also, I never know, if having time off with 'just a cold' to prevent spreading germs, how long to take. I have had a cold virus for 17 days now.

One of the reasons for the recovery time is probably that I am coming round to my main holiday of the year. Regardless of the light I tend to make of it the work of a parish priest is quite demanding. Is it easier to go to work with a bit of a cold if you can get home at 6 and put your feet up with a brandy? Evenings take their toll.

I know the old line that the cemeteries of our nation are filled with people who considered themselves irreplaceable. I am not one of those, but today if I don't go and do two communions there will not be communions and I am also a musician at one of the services due to others not being available.

I have been up for an hour now trying to work out how I feel. This has helped a bit. Will post it after the morning.

Cafe Create

Great night last night at Cafe Create, Nailsea with over sixty people in to hear Judy's poems, Ruth's story, the Richard Calverley trio, Rachel Coulson's extraordinary voice and Atlum Schema's indie post-pop 'Sorry, I don't do happy songs.' Thanks to the audience for some excellent ten word stories (send me them and I'll publish).

Plus DJ Clarkey and a fantastic crew setting up and breaking down. Thanks everyone. July 16th is next.

This post also on Nailsea Fresh Expressions web-site.

Funk Piano

God bless YouTube. Jonathan Wilson of Expert Village has been tutoring me in playing funk piano. I'm still at step two but after learning all 17 here is what it might sound like.

Globish

Over the years I have come to the conclusion that I am not a linguist. I have a smattering of French I can use but no French person has ever felt it useful enough to continue talking in their own language once I begin.

By and large, around the world, English works. There was a heroic effort to construct a world language, reversing Babel, with Esperanto but it didn't really catch on.

Now I have read about a system that tries to take the fact of English's ubiquity and use it to create a world-wide language - Globish. The idea is that English be reduced to a core minimum of words from which all concepts and missing nouns can be constructed - thus, according to an article in the Observer, tomato becomes round red fruit and kitchen, room in which cooking takes place.

Follow this link to the list of 1500 words.

It would be interesting. My penchant for words such as ubiquity (and penchant) would have to be cured. And, of course, a certain clarity of sentence construction would be required. I think it might be beyond the wit of my Leamington window cleaner who didn't know 15 words of English and would greet me with:

orroiwinderscaniavsum wa'er nowarreye mean?

Translations available on request.

All the best

It is the duty of those of us who have been critical of candidates and parties leading up to the election, now to accept the government as we find it. As a genuine floating voter I say that the slate is wiped clean. The Tory/LibDem (not resisting the new joke that we are now a ConDemNation) coalition may work and may not but we need to let them have some time to test it.

I am pretty pleased at an extra investment in nuclear power and the cancelling of Heathrow's third runway. I was ambivalent about the identity card scheme which is now abandoned.

I am worried that cancer patients may lose their right to an appointment with a specialist within two weeks.

I am terrified that our Defence Secretary, my MP, an Atlanticist, Thatcherite, Unionist, Euro-Sceptic will want to invade Iran as soon as he's strapped his guns on.

But somehow this crash-weld of a government may just get us to a point where old-school Conservatism is prevented, by a Liberal addendum, from exercising its knee-jerk desire to make the rich richer. Genuine caring Conservatism is a rare breed but it does exist.

Come on. Impress me.

Great tits

My personal war against local cats is stepping up as the great tits fly backwards and forwards from our nesting box in the garden feeding their chicks.

I had a good view of one of the adults yesterday as it chose to fly in through the open conservatory door and then spent several minutes flying into the glass.

Once it had dazed itself I was able to throw a tea towel over it and send it on its way. Feeding is back to normal now.

A friend gave me a niger seed feeder and now we have goldfinches in the garden regularly. So cute.

My son reminds me that the teat is the most common owl in Britain. He deserves shooting for that.

Cafe Create

Cafe Create, Nailsea welcomes back Atlum Schema, Rachel Coulson and Richard Calverley for a great night of music in Nailsea Art and Music Festival week. Friday 14th May, 7.30 - 10.00 p.m. at The Trinity Centre. Fair trade, donations basis, cafe bar and a great vibe. Buzz on.

Follow Atlum's link to hear in advance.

Politicians Behaving...

Back in the 1980s, when the satirical puppet show on TV, Spitting Image, provided the most credible political opposition, David Steel and David Owen were the leaders of the Liberal Party and the Social Democratic Party respectively. The parties were considering merging.

Spitting Image was in no doubt who was wearing the trousers in the relationship (you could use that metaphor in the 80s) and pictured the two Davids in bed together, wearing dressing gowns. Owen was a giant and Steel was a tiny puppet, sitting on his lap like a poodle.

They discussed merging. The dialogue went a bit like this, although I can't remember it word for word:

Steel
If our two parties merge David, what will we call the new party?

Owen
Well David, I thought we could take some words from the two party's names. From my party we'd take Social Democratic and from your party we'd take Party.

Steel
Social Democratic Party. I see.

I recalled this sketch when David Camera-on came out to make his big, inclusive offer to Nick Clegg's Liberals last Friday. The offer included everything that the Liberals might want, as long as it was already in the Conservative manifesto. Clegg probably did the only thing a good negotiator could do in the circumstances - walked in the room and winced.

Sometimes, when I was negotiating insurance claims settlements, I found the only technique in response to a ridiculously large claim for damages was to hang up the phone.

Since that offer we have had the, not entirely surprising, news that Clegg is courting the Labour party too. Clearly he wants to see who can offer him the most of his own agenda to do a deal. Not unreasonable and he seems to have got his first wish - exit Brown.

In the midst of this the media have been wheeling out anyone they can find who thinks a speculated deal might be inadequate, to rubbish it before it is announced.

We need to remember that the beauty of negotiations is that a deal is done when everyone feels they have got all they can get and given all they can give. Two seconds ago George Osborne said he thought the public would be dismayed about the time this was taking. Well I'm not. I think I would have been dismayed if they'd fixed it in two hours, especially since the Conservative leader had probably had four hours sleep in three days, up to that point.

Alternative Worlds

I was interested in the discussion on Radio 4's The Museum of Curiosities about The Omega Point. This is the point to which all light will eventually converge and so, rather than being able to put it in a museum, the panel reached the conclusion that they should put the museum in it. It encompasses all possible alternatives and all possible worlds. Even if everything that can happen does happen The Omega Point still contains it.

It left me with the vaguely awkward feeling that somewhere there might be a world where Margaret Thatcher said something right but... No, it's too far fetched.

According to Wikipedia:

'In this (Omega Point) theory, the universe is constantly developing towards higher levels of material complexity and consciousness, a theory of evolution that Teilhard (de Chardin) called the Law of Complexity/Consciousness. For Teilhard, the universe can only move in the direction of more complexity and consciousness if it is being drawn by a supreme point of complexity and consciousness.

'Thus Teilhard postulates the Omega Point as the supreme point of complexity and consciousness, which is not only as the term of the evolutionary process, but is also the actual cause for the universe to grow in complexity and consciousness. In other words, the Omega Point exists as supremely complex and conscious, independent of the evolving universe. I.e., the Omega Point is transcendent. In interpreting the universe this way, Teilhard kept the Omega Point within the orthodox views of the Christian God, who is transcendent (independent) of his creation.

'Teilhard argued that the Omega Point resembles the Christian Logos, namely Christ, who draws all things into himself, who in the words of the Nicene Creed, is 'God from God', 'Light from Light', 'True God from true God,' and 'through him all things were made...'

Make what you wish of this theory but it does give a rather cunning answer to evolutionary scientists such as Richard Dawkins who insist that God cannot be a prime cause of life because life develops from the simple to the complex. Mr D. You're looking for God in the wrong direction.

In case anyone isn't aware, The Museum of Curiosities is a comedy programme.

Let's Fight

Hobby horse warning. Long-suffering readers will have heard this theme before but I allow myself a reprise of big themes if the public ain't playing. Last night I heard the Bishop of Bath and Wells, in relation to losing the argument over unilateral nuclear disarmament, talk about it as leaving him with the responsibility to lose long and noisily. Love it.

I once got into trouble by re-writing some of the battle metaphors of the New Testament in different words because we didn't see life like that any more. Some people felt I was taking liberties with scripture. See an example here.

If Mrs M and I agree we need some time away, agree we need to go to the seaside and that it shouldn't be more than two hours away, we do not respond to a slight difference over preference for destination with, 'Let's fight.'

Our political candidates of most hues agree we need to deal with a deficit, agree the Yanks are our friends, agree (even UKIP) that co-operation with the rest of Europe is good, agree that we need to be careful about immigration levels leading to over-population and too much pressure on free social services, agree that we should defend ourselves and review our defences and agree there are some unfairnesses in our democratic system. Why, on disagreeing with the methodology about dealing with these things, do so many people jump to, 'Let's fight?'

'Get on board the battle buses.' 'Brown fighting for his political life.' 'No-one scored a knock-down in the debates.' I've read all three of these things in the papers. Why do we have to describe the election so?

Today, along with many people around the country, I will wander as gracefully as I can to a polling station where I will politely go through the procedure and cast my vote. No-one will harass me or try to kill me. I may be asked my name by a canvasser or pollster but I can refuse to co-operate if I want. I will have the power but I am voting not fighting. It is my response to an argument (as in exchange of views, not row) and it is done gently, humbly and after sauntering and serious thought.

It's not a fight folks; it's a vote. It's better than fighting.

Final Thoughts

The news media have been very fond of putting before the electorate the question, 'If you could vote for a hung parliament, would you?' A surprising number of respondents say they would, even though that might not be the best result for our jittery money markets.

The electorate could well shoot itself in the foot, an analogy which may mean the deliberate act of a calculating coward or the clumsy act of a dyspraxic gunslinger and anyway can't apply to a crowd. Except I'm going to see if hysterical dyspraxia is a googlewhack. It isn't. 4740 hits. OK it's the name of my new band.

Here's a question I'd like to see put; would you vote Labour if it had a different leader? If you could have Gordon Brown's obviously internationally-respected financial acumen in the back room and someone else with charisma and looks at the helm? Hmm.

Cleggy. Join the Labour party. Bring Vince. Otherwise only a hung parliament can deliver.

Football Punditry Final Paper

As we come to the end of the season it is time to put your knowledge of football punditry to the test. Attempt as many questions as you like:

1. Name any ground that isn't 'a tough place to go.'

2. Who ate all the pies?
a) Lee Hughes
b) Stephen Warnock
c) Garth Crooks

3. When is it ever unimportant who scores first?

4. How many players would have remained on the pitch at full time if a continental referee had been in control of Sheffield Wednesday versus Crystal Palace?

5. Write one sentence answers on the subject of:
a) Where Liverpool went
b) An inspiring moment involving Wolves
c) The reason for Wigan

6. How many points might Blackpool get in the Premiership? Estimate to the nearest none.

7. Graham Dorrans' omission from Steve Claridge's Championship team of the season is clearly evidence of his madness. Do you agree?
a) Yes
b) Yes

8. Describe a goal:
a) Scored by Route 2
b) Taken badly
c) Put in the front of the net
d) With no aplomb

9. How much would you expect to pay to buy a foul?

10. 'Nobody noticed the Germans and they got to the final.' Discuss nationality, historical repetition and existentialism. Extra marks will be given to candidates who can make a realistic approximation of the amount of football that will be actually played during the concluding match of the Champions League and the amount of camera-time to be occupied by Jose Mourinho.

How Should Christians Vote?

I have posted my sermon from this morning, on this subject, here.