Fewer Lesses

The Guardian has, over the last couple of weeks, been hosting a lively debate about the appropriateness of using 'less than x hours' rather than 'fewer than x hours' when discussing time.

One correspondent referred to this essay by the Professor of Linguistics at the University of California. It is, as the letter-writer said, 'elegant and witty'.

As one who takes many short-cuts across grammar's annoying corners I commend it to you.

John Martyn RIP

Sad to hear singer, songwriter, creative, addictive John Martyn has died aged 60. He made some wonderful music. Rather remarkably this means that when I saw an unbelievable, outdoor, afternoon set at the Reading Festival 1973 he was only 25 years old.

Most people say 1973's Solid Air was never bettered but I really love And from 1996 and The Church with one Bell (1998).

It's just the downward pull of human nature
It's coming every day to take you on.

Thanks for the back catalogue. Rest in peace from your demons.

Hear a 2008 live version of a 1973 tune here.

Disgraceful

I once heard this grace:

In a world where many are lonely, we thank you for our company.
In a world where many are hungry, we thank you for our food.
In a world where many have no hope, we thank you for the good news of Jesus Christ.
Amen.

It works in a Christian community but, one day, searching for a grace to use at a wedding, I adapted it to:

In a world where many are lonely, we thank you for our company.
In a world where many are hungry, we thank you for our food.
In a world where many find conversations hard to start, we thank you for the wine.
Amen.

It got a laugh, avoided the minister sounding too pious, adopted the spirit of Cana and now I use it all the time. I need to stop, so I'm publishing it. Use it for free and I'll have to think of another one. Thanks.

God is Imaginary

And lo! Immediately I surfed on to a site giving 50 proofs (hah!) that God is Imaginary. Fantastic fun. Go there. Now. I particularly recommend 'Read the Bible,' which is Proof 5. Just one hint. Either make sure your brain is working before you start or, at minimum, go in with a little understanding of what the Bible is and isn't.

Come in, sit down

Let's have a a bit of a chat. Pull up a chair. Not that one it's broken. That's better. Thing is, you're just not pulling your weight. I know, I know, you've been busy. But how on earth do you expect me to provide pithy input that will kick start your cerebral metabolism if you don't give me some raw materials?

So you need to help. You used to be so good. Comments about posts that led to more posts that led to long discussions about life the universe and everything, even at one stage attracting the interest of a blog called Life, the Universe and Everything.

At the moment my head is full of quite a lot of stuff I can't tell you without having to swear you to secrecy. I tried swearing the internet to secrecy once. Not easy but I got off with a fine.

So here's the deal. It's your turn. Please post suggestions of topics from the minefield in which you'd like MSS to stomp and I'll do my best. Ask embarrassing questions. Make me entertain you. And on that note, a tale to end...

At St John's, Nottingham the service books were constantly being removed from the chapel by students preparing future acts of corporate worship. The number of books dwindled and, despite an amnesty, eventually a reprint was necessary.

The reprinted copy had something like this text at the front. 'This book belongs in the Chapel of St John's College, Nottingham. If you find it anywhere else please feel free to ask embarrassing questions.'

Finding a copy of the book in the college chaplain's study, it is said that one student asked the Chaplain, now the Bishop of Down and Dromore, 'Harold. What colour are your underpants?'

Nicknames

For reasons far too complicated to mention, my colleagues have started calling me Nick. Ever since God gave man authority to give names to all the animals humans have given names to others, as a way of trying to suggest they have power over them.

I have a godson called Nic - to whom I have been rubbish at being a godparent but he did get confirmed so job done - and I think his spelling is altogether funkier. So if I must be Nick I will be Nic.

Apparently (come closer this is a bit secret) I was nearly called Robin. My parents took one look and decided it wasn't right. Strange the way that works. We took one look at the boy we had decided to call Daniel and changed it on the spot. He wasn't a Dan. No way.

A previous clergy colleague had nicknames for almost every one in the congregation. My Dad did the same for all his family and acquaintances, apart from Aunt Ida with whom you didn't mess.

So, this is St Nic signing off. For now. As they say in the Blues Brothers, 'If the sh*t fits, wear it.'

CEN December 2008

Archive of last month's Church of England Newspaper column:

Had yourself a merry little Christmas? Maybe you have a bit more time now. As it is the season to be slightly frivolous let's start with a couple of places to have fun. Smaller than Life has been mentioned before. It is where comedy writer Salvadore Vincent hangs out. He has expressed a few popular Christmas songs as mathematical formulae and venn diagrams. Can you work them out?

At Post-it Up blogger Nick Couch records his day by drawing on a Post-it note, scanning it and posting. It's fascinating, simple and well done.

The School of Life is '...a new social enterprise offering good ideas for everyday living.' Here you will find bibliotherapy, psychotherapy, a shop and even sermons from wise people. Tip top, as the person who recommended it would put it.

Fancy passing the time with a quiz? I found many. Try Paulsquiz or TheHolidayspot on Christmas traditions, Ebibleteacher on the birth of Jesus and Freequizzes for a massive selection for a whole evening's entertainment.

If you want to use your break to catch up on some serious Bible study, Biblos is a mass of Bible study tools in one place – concordance, dictionary, atlas, encyclopaedia, commentary and visuals. Very useful.

Anyone for some New Year's Resolutions? Listverse, a place of many lists, has the top ten most resolved things in order and a nice misprint at number one. The Site 'your guide to the real world' (a fine claim considering it is only virtual itself) will help you keep them. BlogGreen will stop them being environmentally fiendish. So will Hippyshopper. Their slogan 'your guide to ethical consumerism' is my oxymoron of the month. Mind you, I think they have the better name.

Just out of interest I googled, 'How to use your free time.' Over half a million results. Some people have too much time on their hands and use it to write guides. If you are interested the pick of the bunch includes Mardiros, where you will find practical articles and advice about building your own web-site. Or maybe you'd like to start researching your family tree at Free-genealogy? Mapmaker provide free software to develop maps from your desktop – time to prepare an updated sheet for people who want to find your church.

Mindtools has lots of ideas but they are full of words such as prioritising, focused activities and goal-setting so it wasn't the relaxathon I'd expected. LoveQuench, a dating site, seems equally convinced that free time has to be the result of ruthless planning.

With a close member of my family in Japan I've become a convert to Skype. Free video telephone calls through the internet and amazing deals for calling a landline from your computer. Free to join. I have had a guided tour of an apartment in Tokyo without leaving my desk.

'You used to be insatiable
You were always there on cue
Now the expression 'all nighter' means
Not getting up for the loo.'

If this made you chuckle visit Verses 4 Cards and sample the rest of their insulting verses for elderly friends. There are verses for other circumstances too.

Need to beat the January blues? Articles that might help are on-line from Netdoctor, Living, UKTV Style and, I bet you like this one, Hotel Chocolat.

Many thanks to the Rev'd Stephen Lynas for telling me submarine.com has gone under. (I always check the links to the jokes and he's right, this one is now a link to a talk show.)

Another year has passed and all the last year's columns will soon be archived on my personal blog Mustard Seed Shavings. Do drop in and share ideas.

Stuntman.com took a lot of hits recently.

New Rectors

Well, I've met three candidates out of four so far for the post of Rector of Holy Trinity, Nailsea. Three nice people. Three different people. Possibly three people who, as a result of manic late-night googling, are now readers of Mustard Seed Shavings. Who knows?

The nature of external patronage (someone outside the situation has the responsibility of appointing) means that I do not get to sit on the interview panel next week. Some would, in any case, argue that it would be inappropriate to interview someone who will later have some degree of authority over part of your work.

So I get 45 minutes with each candidate during which time I have to find out if we can have a conversation and work together - all this by trying to answer their questions and hear a bit of biography. I have not been shown the candidates' application forms so I too have been googling like crazy. This has enabled me to hear one of them preach.

So many questions. Do you always dress like that? Is that slightly irritating habit going to drive us mad the seventeenth time? Was the flattery well-meant? Were you flying close to the edge of rudeness to see how I'd react or are you habitually like that? Do you always carry a gun? Who knows?

Blink. What was the first impression? You only get one chance to make one of those. That might be the best we can do. Blink.

It's a bit of a lottery isn't it?

Jigsaws

Nobody told us. But yesterday a secret leaked. We were talking to some people about an appointment at another church and, after telling us that a decision had been made, a tiny, trivial piece of extra information was given. Not enough by itself to tell us anything. A jigsaw piece.

Later, in another separate conversation, exactly the same thing happened. Not a leak, simply a gripping glimpse of another piece of jigsaw. And knowing what we know from somewhere else, a secret that we are party to but neither of the accidental leakers are, we had three pieces. Three adjacent pieces. Enough to reveal a face.

So despite the fact that it won't be made known until Sunday, and no-one can admit to leaking it, we know who the new minister will be in a particular church.

Secrets. They are hardly worth the trouble really.

Shovel

There used to be the old comment that after the Lord Major's show someone would have to go round the streets with a shovel. After the most exuberant and exciting events you have to clear up.

For a couple of years I helped run three seven day houseparties in a row with a half day off in between. You said goodbye to the members, quickly cleared up, took a break then woke up the next morning to set up again as if it was day one. The plan was that members arriving for Week 2 should be left with no idea that a previous houseparty had taken place. By the end of Week 2 the thought of 'going again' was not that enticing. But we did it.

After Week 3 we used to ask, 'Who is here to the bitter end?' In other words, who is not going home until the final clearing up is complete. The guy who trained me to run houseparties used to say that the people you wanted on your team were the ones who trusted that somehow you would work out how to get them home after the clearing up was finished, rather than worrying about it during. Many of the people who made that sort of commitment are now involved in ministry themselves.

When we run our lovely Cafe Create project we turn the Nailsea, Trinity Centre into a funky lounge/bar for the night and then spend an hour recluttering it. We put back all the creche toys, notices, and ugly furniture we'd moved out to make the place nice. It's a bit depressing. I have noticed the members of the organising group who work their socks off, non-stop so that we can get away by about midnight. Future ministers? Possibly.

Christian ministry is a series of events which need clearing up and a long haul. The morning after the Church Council has made a commitment to a huge piece of new ministry, an exciting 'Yes' (watch this space), the new morning breaks with the question hanging in the sky over all of us, 'Will you go again?'

To be honest we've not put away the shovel from the previous exciting event. But of course we will. Unanimously. It's only money after all.

Driving Licences

A circulated email told me this. Worth checking.

Unwitting motorists face £1,000 fines as thousands of photocard driving licences expire.

Thousands of motorists are at risk of being fined up to £1,000 because they are unwittingly driving without a valid licence.

They risk prosecution after failing to spot the extremely small print on their photocard licence which says it automatically expires after 10 years and has to be renewed - even though drivers are licensed to drive until the age of 70.

The fiasco has come to light a decade after the first batch of photo licences was issued in July 1998, just as they start to expire.

Motoring organisations blamed the Government for the fiasco and said 'most' drivers believed their licences were for life.

A mock-up driving licence from 1998 when the photocards were launched shows the imminent expiry date as item '4b.'

They said officials had failed to publicise sufficiently the fact that new-style licences - unlike the old paper ones - expire after a set period and have to be renewed.

To rub salt into wounds, drivers will have to a pay £17.50 to renew their card - a charge which critics have condemned as a 'stealth tax' and which will earn the Treasury an estimated £437 million over 25 years.

Official DVLA figures reveal that while 16,136 expired this summer, so far only 11,566 drivers have renewed, leaving 4,570 outstanding.

With another 300,000 photocard licences due to expire over the coming year, experts fear the number of invalid licences will soar, putting thousands more drivers in breach of the law and at risk of a fine.

At the heart of the confusion is the small print on the tiny credit-card-size photo licence, which is used in conjunction with the paper version.

Just below the driver name on the front of the photocard licence is a series of dates and details - each one numbered.

Number 4b features a date in tiny writing, but no explicit explanation as to what it means.

The date's significance is only explained if the driver turns over the card and reads the key on the back which states that '4b' means 'licence valid to'.

Even more confusingly, an adjacent table on the rear of the card sets out how long the driver is registered to hold a licence - that is until his or her 70th birthday.

A total of 25million new-style licences have been issued but - motoring experts say - drivers were never sufficiently warned they would expire after 10 years.

Motorists who fail to renew their licences in time are allowed to continue driving. But the DVLA says they could be charged with 'failing to surrender their licence', an offence carrying a £1,000 fine.

AA president, Edmund King said: 'It is not generally known that photocard licences expire: there appears to be a lack of information that people will have to renew these licences.'

Eating Properly

John and Greg. You know, the shouty ones on Masterchef. What do you think about the way they eat?

Their technique, in sampling the food prepared by the contestants, is to take one forkful, of all the items on the plate mixed together, and to shove it in their mouth all at once. They then comment on the tastes they are getting and whether everything they have been looking at or told about is coming through with flavour.

Last night a contestant, who had served a beetroot puree with a venison loin and a rich red wine jus, was criticised because the beetroot flavour didn't come through.

But is that how you'd do it? Or would you allow the subtle earthiness of the beetroot to come through as a contrast, eaten separately from the chunk of red meat you'd just swallowed. Perhaps with the potato or other vegetable? Palate cleansing stuff.

I have a member of my family who chops everything on the plate up and forces it onto the back of a fork (never the front). Makes me feel poorly just to watch. I tend to mix no more than two items in one forkful. Who is the weird one? A good answer to this is that all my family are weird to which I say 'It's a fair cop.'

Reminds me of the guy who goes to the doctor with steak stuck in his ear and potatoes up his nose. 'I know your trouble,' says the doctor. 'You're not eating properly.' Good afternoon.

Unity

In producing an announcement about the United Service in the Week of Prayer for Christian Unity just now I very nearly added more than my usual amount of harm to inter-denominational relations by typing Untied. It being a proper word, the spell-checker missed it.

How about that? A six letter word which can be made to mean almost exactly its opposite by moving one straight line.

UNITED
UNTIED

Next time the after-dinner conversation drags I suggest you throw that one in and watch the ice form, I mean break.

Nagging

In my last parish we had a little mantra at the end of staff meetings where we used to ask each other awkward questions. 'Have you booked any work appointments for your day off?' That was what one of my clergy colleagues wanted to hear so he had to confess if he had. Mine was, 'Have you done your filing?'

What is it with flipping filing? A long time ago I dispensed with a filing tray or basket because then you throw things in that rather than putting them away properly. It's OK if you have a filing clerk (for eight years of my working life I did) but not otherwise. The best solution to the problem is to put each finished-with piece of paper away in the right place immediately you have finished with it. I know this. By and large I do it.

Then, just before Christmas, I was busy and left a piece of paper on top of the filing cabinet before rushing off to some crucial parish business such as a drinks party, instead of putting it away. Next time I had a piece of paper to put away I put it on top of the other one, rather than away, and a pile commenced which, yesterday took me two hours to file. So annoying. I'm the annoyed one and the person I'm annoyed with is me.

Now, there's an associated admin problem you can help me with. The side bars, links and archives of this blog are out of date. I need to spend some time fixing them. If you leave a comment over the next few weeks do give me a bit of a nag. Many thanks.

Tommy Casey RIP

Tommy, who died here in Nailsea last Sunday, was one of the last surviving members of the Northern Ireland football team who reached the quarter finals of the World Cup in 1958. He won twelve caps in all and also played for many league clubs, especially Newcastle United with whom he won an FA cup winners medal in 1955.

Newcastle will wear black arm bands tonight in their cup replay with Hull City as a mark of respect and will include a tribute piece in the next home programme.

There is a condolence message on the Irish Football Association web-site and an appreciation, together with a picture of the FA Cup winning side parading the trophy, on NUFC's site.

His funeral is this Friday at 1200 noon at Holy Trinity.

Gaza

I write a monthly piece for Energize in the News, a regular attempt to introduce young people to items in the news and the issues raised. This month I've been doing a column about Israel and Gaza. I can't post it all here for copyright reasons but I thought you might be interested in the history of Gaza in the Bible:

Canaan was the son of Ham and grandson of Noah according to tradition.i The land of his descendants, the Canaanites, reached as far as Gaza.ii Joshua took this land, occupied by many different peoples and tribes, and slaughtered all the occupantsiii. Whilst the past is another country and they did things differently then, it is hard to be proud of this aspect of our Christian history.

After the conquest of the land, the region of Gaza was apportioned to the Tribe of Judahiv, a tribe which eventually became the southern half of the Kingdom of Israel (the north continued to be known as Israel). Judah lasted longer than Israel which fell to Assyria in 721BC and the remnant of its people inter-married and became known as Samaritans. It was in Roman occupied Judah (Judea) that Jesus lived.

At the time of Samson, Gaza seems to have been a Philistine town and still so under Samuelv but by Solomon's reign it was part of his huge Kingdomvi. However moving on, by the reign of Hezekiah it was necessary to recapture Gaza from the Philistinesvii, this having been prophesied by Amosviii. At the time of the prophet Jeremiah, Gaza was attacked by Egyptix, its downfall having been prophesied by Zephaniahx and Zechariahxi, although they may not have been anticipating exactly the same sequence of events.

The road Philip was travelling on when he met the Ethiopian official, who he converted and baptised, was from Jerusalem to Gazaxii.

iGenesis 9:18
iiGenesis 10:19
iiiJoshua 2:40-42
ivJoshua 15:47
v1 Samuel 6:17
vi1 Kings 4:24
vii 2 Kings 18:8
viiiAmos 1:6
ixJeremiah 47:1
xZephaniah 2:4
xiZechariah 9:5
xiiActs 8:26

If you want to read the whole column you'll have to take out a subscription. Interesting that Islam, Judaism and Christianity all have Abraham as their patriarch and prophet.

Cafe Create

Cafe Create returns to Nailsea this Friday 16th January with a quiz, music from the Piano Man, fair-trade free bar (donations welcome), chilled music, old movies and, hopefully, you. Slightly different feel to usual as an experiment. Love to know what you think.

The Fire Gospel

A number of bloggers I read regularly have been through a dry patch and here is no exception. Very unusual to have a week pass without a post and apologies are proffered. Brain full of stuff, none of it very edifying or indeed publishable. The interesting issues worth reflecting upon sometimes become so interwoven with identifiable people that sensitivity (I know, I know) and libel lawyers start whispering in the dark.

In the midst of this I read a book. A good thing. I am a great fan of Canongate as a publisher. Anything I haven't heard of generates a greater chance of being picked up if it has their name on it.

They have a series called Doubt and in it writers play with popular myths. Forget for the moment to be offended by the idea that Jesus last days on earth are in any sense myth and imagine this. There is another Gospel. It was written by Malchus, the guy who has his ear cut off in the Garden of Gethsemane. It offers a subtly different slant on the death of Jesus.

An academic finds this Gospel inside a broken statue in a looted Iraq museum. He translates it and publishes it. Most of The Fire Gospel is about what then happens to him. His name? Theo.

The Fire Gospel is by Michael Faber.

'We try our best to tell a story, so that others might be led towards Jesus, but Jesus is not a story. He is the end of all stories.' (The Gospel of Malchus)

Box Sets

Having the sort of jobs that involve weird and wonderful hours, yet wishing to spend some sofa time watching TV together, Mr and Mrs Mustard tend to be great fans of the box set.

The one currently saucing our butty is Gavin and Stacey. We were aware of the rave reviews but never quite got round to seeing it. Then, just before Crimbo, we caught the last two episodes of series two and were hooked.

It's not simply that it's brilliant observation of ordinary life - it's far more than that. The cartoon characters that have been drawn are so extreme yet so lifelike. There won't be two families like this anywhere in England or Wales yet somehow they are every family.

Also, they provide an interesting take on where we have got to with sexual attitudes today.

Gift of Screws

A kind friend bought MSS a CD for Christmas. It had, he said, been in the billboard charts for a lot of the year yet had made little impact in this country. If we didn't like it he would have it back as he wanted to hear it.

We take a break to applaud the courage of someone who would buy a friend a CD he hadn't heard himself. That said, this particular friend quite often buys books we've already read so it makes a change.

The album is Lindsey Buckingham's solo album Gift of Screws. He was with Fleetwood Mac for some years during which time they had legendary bust-ups, complicated inter-band male-female relationships and produced the album of the year back in about 1976. Just as punk was getting going almost every one in town possessed a copy of Rumours.

It's great. Totally contemporary, distinctive style and yet could have been recorded the day after Rumours was finished and production polished in 2008. The songs are the laments of a guy who has been down and got back up very slowly. Hurt and recovered. Naughty now nice. Mainly up-tempo. Enjoy.

Wrong

I have a great interest in having regular input from people who are consistently wrong. I gave up the research some years ago to find someone who is always right. But if I could find someone who invariably erred every time they opened their mouth then all I had to do was not take their advice and I'd be laughing - unless they told a joke of course.

I will withhold the names of those locally who provide me with this service. It is a piece of work best offered anonymously. Once identified the benefit-givers tend to stop talking to you. Funny that.

But in public life a number of prominent people have been more than useful and I would at this point like to pay tribute to the Bishop of Carlisle. Now before proceeding we must understand that there is nothing rude or sinister about all this. I have simply found someone who, most of the times he speaks, provokes a gut reaction in me that goes, 'I don't agree with that.' It may say more about me than him. Also, not living anywhere near Carlisle, I have to acknowledge that the Bishop could be the subject of poor reporting.

But he was widely quoted a couple of years ago as suggesting that the floods in this country were God's judgement on some aspect of our behaviour as a nation. That struck me as quite wrong. Still does.

Now, according to the Guardian the other day, this:

'Could the bishops' concerns about the government's immorality be motivated by fears for Gordon Brown's immortal soul? Graham Dow, the soon to be retired Bishop of Carlisle, one of the five clerics giving the Sunday Telegraph the benefit of their wisdom, is an expert on demonic possession. His magnum opus, Explaining Deliverance, lists the likely signs as inappropriate laughter, inexplicable knowledge, a false or artificial smile, repeated choice of black clothes or car and, the clincher, Scottish ancestry.'

I love black clothes, am about to (possibly) buy a black car and my wife's car is black, am given to astounding outbursts of laughter for little or no reason, have had my smile described as sickly by someone who hasn't even met me and retain an inexplicable amount of useless information filed well to the front of the useful and... no, no no. No Scottish ancestry as far as I can tell. Phew. Not possessed then. Thanks Bish.

By the way I also heard a member of his family once call for the banning of a film he hadn't seen, so this may be genetic.

More on this whenever.

Catholic or Protestant?

A few weeks ago Ali challenged me to give a child-friendly answer to the question of the difference between catholics and protestants. I have been musing, which semantically-charged friends will observe, is the opposite of amusing.

Resisting the temptation to go for the obvious Anglican gag - Catholics are wrong - I will try and take a longer view. If you do that it becomes a matter of which split in the church is most important.

After Jesus' ministry there was a group of followers. Soon they split into those who remained Jews and part of Judaism and those who didn't. Christianity survived in the group of those who didn't. Three centuries later this one worldwide (therefore catholic with a small c from a Greek word meaning universal) church had a dispute over a couple of small but important words of Creed and the eastern Orthodox Church was formed.

A thousand years or so passed until King Henry Eighth of England required an annulment of his first marriage. When the Pope refused, Henry appointed himself Supreme Head of the English Church in 1534. This act is often seen as the key moment in a long process by which the church in England became reformed, but of course the Reformation (rediscovery of biblical truth and god's grace) had begun in Europe and continued after Henry's reign, Luther, Calvin and the like doing their best work in the late fifteenth and early sixteenth centuries.

A person who accepts the system of faith and practice of the reformed church (now including various branches of the Anglican Communion and many other denominations such as Baptists, Methodists etc) is a Protestant from the Latin protestari which means 'to witness before'.

The complexity continues in that there are many reforming processes going on in Roman Catholicism too which means it is not so easy as to say that Protestants are right. Mustard Seed Shavings applauds the seekers after truth in all faiths and believes that process, journey and conversation are as important as destination.

And of course down the ages the terms have become symptomatic of community division. The troubles and struggles in Northern Ireland got short-handed as Catholic v Protestant but it was always about nationality and government not religion. Thus the joke:

Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?
I'm an atheist.
Yes, but are you a Catholic atheist or a Protestant one?

So a child-friendly answer? Forgive me that child-friendly always begs more questions but I think I would tell a small child they are two different styles of Jesus follower and see what they ask next.

Sniff

Many years ago, before shaving became necessary let alone a blog, Mummy told me not to sniff. I was brought up to believe that people who knew how to behave carried a handkerchief. Since then, despite regular failure to avoid touching my nose on the inside in public, I have always carried a large, clean handkerchief. Bit of a trademark.

I failed to pass on this education to either of my sons who have never, as far as I can recall or observe, carried handkerchiefs unless they have a cold and then they use paper ones.

I now learn that in Japan it is very rude to blow your nose in public but sniffing is fine. Junior (who lives in Japan and will be visited this year) has found hog heaven. How will I cope?

Yesterday in Harvey Nicholls, where we went for a visit to the Jimmy Choo museum, there were many Japanese. I rounded a corner whilst wiping my nose on a handkerchief and observed, for the first time in my life, the look of complete disgust on the face of someone who had been well bought up in a different culture.

Confused.

Happy New Year

Good morning and welcome to another year of Mustard Seed Shavings - on the one hand very insignificant, on the other medium spicy and on the third a disaster of planning and a giant metaphor. As Spike Milligan once said, 'Never let the left hand know what the right middle hand is doing.'

This is MSS's sixth year of trying to help people to think whilst using enough entertaining techniques to get readers to pop back for another visit. Thanks for dropping in again - maybe this year will be the year you lose your feedback virginity and leave a comment? It would be nice.

It is lucky there is any content here at all if the advice of the M5 Cheltenham roadworks were to be taken:

Narrow lanes
Remain in place for 12 days over Christmas for your own safety

A ferocious argument ensued as to whether or not to park up and enjoy Christmas there for the sake of education about language precision. It was the line break that did it. Proof-reading road signs would be a job wouldn't it? Meanwhile, as we have pointed out before, the M5 still offers the reassurance of:

Coffee available
inside 24 hours

Fast food or what?

And the A446 has replaced 'slow children' with 'stop children when red lights show.'

The top of Wraxall Hill was warning us of 'Floo' which has been spelt better but still been a problem locally.

Here's to a petty new year.