Liz: This leadership contest is creating a lot of negative publicity Jeremy. Do you think it would be a good idea if we had a smokescreen?
Jeremy: What, something to take the headlines away for a few days?
Liz: Yes. Any ideas Andy? Yvette?
Andy: Ooh Yvette.
Yvette: Is that you René?
Andy: No, it is Andy with the 'andle of the 'oover.
Liz: Wrong script guys. But you have given me an idea. We need someone to make some ridiculous sacrifice. Maybe drugs, prostitutes. Perhaps some old Lord no-one has ever heard of.
Lord Sewel: You called.
Liz: Yes. Please do not take this personally John but we need you to be photographed snorting cocaine off a prossie's arse cheeks.
Lord Sewel: Tough gig, let me think about it, OK finished, yes.
(Three days later)
Liz: Jeremy, we still have a problem.
Jeremy: I noticed. It seems that no-one believes anyone in the House of Lords is anything other than Tory and snorting cocaine whilst chairing the Standards Committee is exactly the sort of behaviour expected. They're still talking about me.
Liz: Ah well. Good try everybody.
Yvette: Maybe we should have used the fallen Madonna with the big boobies.
Andy. Ooh Yvette.