We bring you the definitive guide to tonight's contest to save you having to listen to it:
Up, I believe, is the direction in which we will be travelling.
Boy band in white. Woman with big drums. First key change of the evening.
James Bond world domination string intro and the good looking guy in unbuttoned black gave us English with a slightly flat Belorussian accent. Key change but not everyone in the same direction. Vurk yore ma jick.
Celts with every possible Gaelic musical implement except a working voice.
All About Eve did this sort of thing really well. 'I gotta go crazy just to stay sane.'
In tune. OK song. Great legs so stands a chance.
Fine operatic voice. No chance.
Well sung bluesy ballad. Nice change.
'When the morning comes I'm all alone.' Not even a vote to comfort you eh?
Bog football is big in Finland. Don't remember the Baseball Ground do they?
Balalaika break. 'Lord have mercy.' Another that stands a chance.
It all got a bit Happy Mondays when I wasn't paying attention. Cossack dancers.
The Glitter Band with safer than safely camp Gary.
Outfits by Jean Paul Gaultier. Possibly the song aussi.
Big ballad with operatic bits.
'So come and check it
My bad ass waiting for you...
Taste my cherry pie.'
Never trust a woman with cherry pie up her ass. Did anyone tell them what this stuff means?
Swing. In German. Eek. Wolfgang Cullum.
Girl called Milosevic dressed as boy making lesbian gestures with backing singer. Best voice of the night.
This will get more of the gay vote than the previous one. Two key changes to this nursery rhyme. High quality Eurocamp. Drag or ugly? You decide.
Bucks Fizz have so much to answer for.
Nice guitar rhythm. Didn't accompany much.
Drums. Big hit. Song not.
'Shake it up shakey doo
I know what you're thinking.'
These are the finalists remember.
One of the backing singers spent the whole song being spun round. Didn't shut her up though. The mystery of the violin which kept playing once placed on the floor needs investigating. Top C attempted I think. B and three quarters reached.
Will tell you the scores later. My money's on Ukraine. Bottom four will be UK, France, Spain and Germany.