I think, mindful of the many demands the church co-ordinator was facing last week prior to the wedding we all attended on Saturday, (happy day, thanks everyone) the groom, tongue in cheek, sent her the following email. I reproduce it entirely with her reply just so you know that this is why I love my friends. The wit is not dependent on getting a larger audience but I think it deserves it:
I know this might be out of your jurisdiction, and I know you are a bit busy, but I was wondering if you could please fix the following for us on Saturday:
Can the loo rolls in the ladies please be changed so as to match the mother's corsages - we really don't want them to clash. Attention to detail and all that.
There is some graffitti in the vicinity of the church - 'KAYA', 'Villa' and "Dunc loves Debs"; since no one at the wedding will be called KAYA, Debs or Duncan, can you please change this to read "J Loves G", "Come on the 'Loo (after Waterloo Rugby Club) and B****** (J's family dog).
We thought it might be worth seeing if we could replicate the Pink Floyd "Dark Side of the Moon" stage set for during the bit where we are at the registery - do you think we could ask R / G / ME to set up a laser show, smoke cannons, inflatable pigs and for a large scale model aircraft to come from the back of the church and crash at the front in a pyrotechnic extravaganza. We would hope to finish the performance with a large glitter ball descending from the church ceiling with several multi-coloured spot lights reflecting off it?
One more thing; can you recommend anyone to act as stage dancer, a bit like Bez from the "Happy Mondays," to perform with the musicians during the gig?
We also notice the ducks, swans and geese in the park tend to fly out as and when they feel like it; do you think you could have a quiet word with the relevant people (the local vet, the park authorites, God, Ben Fogle, Bill Oddie etc.) and see if they can either be chained to the railings or even better, taught to fly in formation, like the Red Arrows for instance, that would be spectacular for the photos.
The river is running a bit high and is an unpleasant browny sludge colour - could you please have the level lowered, the flow a bit less torrid and if it's possible to have the water returned to it's usual bluey / clear state then that would be great.
Finally we also note that there has been a lack of elephants using the elephant walk across from the park, could you use your extensive network and see if anyone has got an elephant, or hippo, lying around that might be available to wash themselves in the river like they used to do back in Victorian times? As a side thought, it can't be much fun having an elephant as a family pet as they tend to take up too much space, perhaps in this day and age we could genetically modify them to the size of a cocker spaniel, how cool would that be?
Many thanks in advance, G
Dear Mr D (jnr) (this joke loses something in anonymity - ed)
Delighted to be able to be of assistance to you. Recent cuts to the church budget demand the following modifications, of which I hope you will approve:
Loo rolls –
Unfortunately, Tesco value loo roll only comes in one shade, known as ‘slightly dodgy grey’. Fortunately, the children’s groups have an ample supply of wax crayons which I will place in the toilet. Guests may select a colour to complement their outfit and colour each sheet in themselves before they use it. Nothing like being involved to make your guests feel special.
The ‘Lillington Crew’ are on the case with their bottle of tip-pex. However, at last viewing, ‘J loves G’ had become something distinctly vulgar. Still, the best I could do on a budget.
Dark side of the moon set –
I am sure you’ll agree that last year’s set from the ‘Seaside Rock’ will make a most agreeable alternative. Lifeguards Chas and Dave will perform the rumba for your special entertainment, including a specially choreographed move involving an inflatable dolphin.
Genetically modified elephants –
Sorry, this is the Church of England, we don’t believe in genetics. However, this being the sixth day of the week, I’ll ask God if he can create one for you.
With sincere best wishes
Master of Co-ordination