After three hours of rebuilding my tattered emotional life in the company of my best friend and Timothy Taylor's Landlord, followed by a sleep and a bath this happened. This is why I love friends, beer, the Bible and writing:
It is 5.45 p.m. and Noah takes the witness box.
State your name for the record please?
Noah son of Lamech.
And your address?
Where do you live, Noah son of Lamech?
On the land, between the great rivers, where there is food or the soil can be turned with ease.
Thank you. And you recorded your time during the flood in the great annals?
I told the story sir.
Thank you. Your witness.
Noah in the recent flood...
The great flood.
Don't interrupt this is a court. In the recent flood you built an enormous boat?
Yes an ark.
And you claim in your 'disputed' account that you took two of every kind of animal.
Sure did sir.
Oh every kind ... goats, sheep, cows, cats, dogs.
Did you take elephants?
What are they?
They ain't animals they're critters.
Bees, wasps, mosquitos?
Dammit those things can fly they don't need to swim.
Now you're being...
If you'd humour me please.
No I did not take woodworm. Think I'm stupid or something?
They can swim man.
And the floodwaters. You say they covered the whole of the earth.
The whole planet?
All the way round the world?
How far did the flood waters stretch Noah?
The whole earth was covered sir. Pretty much from the Tigris to the Euphrates. Far as you could see every direction bar up.
Noah. Have you ever been beyond the Tigris?
No point sir. You can't grow jack outside the valley.
So you took two of every creature and the whole land was covered in water?
Tha's what I said sir.
Thank you Noah. You may stand down.