Friday, January 27, 2006


After three hours of rebuilding my tattered emotional life in the company of my best friend and Timothy Taylor's Landlord, followed by a sleep and a bath this happened. This is why I love friends, beer, the Bible and writing:

It is 5.45 p.m. and Noah takes the witness box.

State your name for the record please?

Noah son of Lamech.

And your address?

My what?

Where do you live, Noah son of Lamech?

On the land, between the great rivers, where there is food or the soil can be turned with ease.

Thank you. And you recorded your time during the flood in the great annals?

I told the story sir.

Thank you. Your witness.

Noah in the recent flood...

The great flood.

Don't interrupt this is a court. In the recent flood you built an enormous boat?

Yes an ark.

And you claim in your 'disputed' account that you took two of every kind of animal.

Sure did sir.

Name some.

Oh every kind ... goats, sheep, cows, cats, dogs.



Did you take elephants?

What are they?


Come again?

Slugs, snails?

They ain't animals they're critters.

Bees, wasps, mosquitos?

Dammit those things can fly they don't need to swim.


Now you're being...

If you'd humour me please.

No I did not take woodworm. Think I'm stupid or something?


They can swim man.

And the floodwaters. You say they covered the whole of the earth.

Yes sir.

The whole planet?

The what?

All the way round the world?


How far did the flood waters stretch Noah?

The whole earth was covered sir. Pretty much from the Tigris to the Euphrates. Far as you could see every direction bar up.

Noah. Have you ever been beyond the Tigris?

No point sir. You can't grow jack outside the valley.

So you took two of every creature and the whole land was covered in water?

Tha's what I said sir.

Thank you Noah. You may stand down.


Martin said...

Maybe you should write a bible commentry.

Sam said...

outside the courtroom, reporters from national best-selling daily "The Grime of the Toilet brush" accost Noah and demand a statement.

Noah, is it not true that you fabricated the whole story in order to make a name for yourself?

Oh no not you again.

Have you got a statement Noah?

What is it this time?

According to our sources, your story bears remarkable resemblance to other ancient Near Eastern flood stories.


Well doesn't that prove that your a cad and a liar?

Have you even read the other flood stories?

Well no, but we have reliable sources.

... what a bunch of Philistines... I was trying to write a polemic account demonstrating the ludicrosy of other Near-Eastern worldviews where their gods get scared of the water in comparison to the power and sovereignty of God.

.. could you give us more of a soundbite - summarise what you just said in a few words?

no, sorry. It's a story - you've got to read it, and listen to it, not just ask enlightened questions all day long. ... and as for that about making a name for myself...


Why would I need to make a name for myself when my God even gives great names out to wandering nomands for free?

Finker said...

best thing I've read all day.

bob2001 said...

It's Timothy Taylor I blame. Time was when they wouldn't let him out of Yorkshire.

St said...

Cheers Sam. We should co-write something. You do the good bits and I'll do the rest.