Thursday, November 10, 2005

Flag Day

I notice that Remembrance Sunday/Armistice Day have become a season and that TV pundits and journalists now try awfully hard to be wearing a poppy before the first Christmas adverts come on. I don't object to this although I'm much more enthusiastic for celebrating peace than glorifying war. I would wear my white poppy if it didn't make some people so unnecessarily cross. I keep it in my desk drawer and wear it in my imagination (St-world - a strange place).

Still that was a digression and the first paragraph is ever so slightly too early for one of those. I just wanted you to know that today is national kill-a-Christian day. Forgive me for inciting religious hatred. I ought to make it clear that I too am known by others as a Christian from time to time.

National kill-a-Christian day is a public amnesty from prosecution for any committed Christian leader who has given their heart, soul, bank-balance, possibly marriage, career prospects and physical prowess to serving Jesus Christ and has found someone who also claims to be so serving getting in the way all the time. This person is not someone who has merely annoyed you once. It is nothing to do with revenge even though you want that eye and those teeth back desperately. Learn to focus and keep sucking.

This is for the removal of one, and only one, serial-obstructor per minister; the 'have-you-considered-the-implicationsers', the 'people-are-sayingers' the 'who-used-the-afternoon-fellowship's-best-teapotters'. The person who won't speak against but always votes against may be the one. The neighbour who never attends church but wouldn't want comfy chairs in the renovated belfry or a pool table in the undercroft might be a candidate.

You must do it gently, mercifully, courtously and quickly; 'I'm sorry Mr Jones but we do need to eliminate you from the Christian gene pool. Try to see the bigger picture - it's all for the best. I'll see the funeral is appropriate and the family compensated. Goodbye.'

If you don't have the heart to pull the trigger yourself try the Rev'd Max Hasty-Exits - he's in the Yellow Pages under Removal Services (Let your fingers do the stranglin'). Readers across the water will need the Ven 'Mad-Mick' O-Rourke. Phone number in the front of the Church Book and Desk Diary under Deans and Provosts.

One day a year. One person. Church growth guaranteed. You have 13 hours 35 minutes more.

3 comments:

Kathryn said...

Not sure whether to laugh or cry as I find it impossible to select just one (and I expect that as a curate I'm only allowed a percentage of an obstructor, and not a whole one anyway)
This could become a really important movement in the Church, Steve :-)

Darren said...

Does being the member of a Christian organisation count, or must I be even more humble than the curate's percentage - perhaps I am only allowed to 'think' about the obstructors ;-)

andrew said...

I think if you're a member of a Christian organisation, particularly one that's Substantially Underperforming, you either have to kill your chief exec, or kill yourself as an act of penance.