The Wrong Sort of Christmas Tree

A few years ago I developed a rash on my back in the shape of a triangle. There were also blotches on my arms and legs which got less frequent as they reached the hands and feet. It seemed like a virus of some sort but definitely warranted the trip to the surgery I took.

My doctor took one look at my back and went to the shelves for a reference book. This is never a good thing. I want my illnesses to be common and treatable, not hidden away on page 471 of a rarely-accessed skin disease text book.

'Was there a herald patch?' she asked. I wondered what one of them was and she described an area of dry skin about three centimetres square that appeared before the main rash. I had had such a thing on holiday over the summer. I thought it was an area of dry skin caused by hot sun and a poor moisturising regime (I promise I'll never write those three words in a row ever again).

As a Christian minister I have an overwhelmingly positive picture in my head of heralds. Heralds bring glad tidings of good news, something we get reminded of a lot over Advent. Ta da! It's gonna be good. A herald patch bringing news of three months absolute dermatological shit-housery was not what I associated with the word. Also, the rash was typically in the shape of a Christmas tree.

So when I responded in the affirmative she showed me the entry in the learned journal and told me I had pityriasis rosea, a virus that usually self- healed in three to six weeks but mine was overstaying its welcome. I got an appointment at the Bristol Royal Infirmary for a dermatologist to have a gander.

Before that I did a brief parsing of my new medical terminology. I had a sad red rash. Pityriasis rosea is Latin, with Greek antecedents, and means scaly rash red. All that medical expertise had helped me describe my symptoms in a different language.

The clinic appointment came along and Maeve, a specialist so beautiful that I would have done or said a lot of things to prolong the visit, confirmed my diagnosis but added that it had become eczematic. I got some high-powered steroid cream, another word to learn to spell and the rash eventually subsided.

Only one problem. I had never had eczema before but since that time I have had it on my back regularly, especially when the weather turns cold. It cab be caused by getting up after sitting with my back touching something for a while. Or even an over-sensitivity to the non-cotton label in my all-cotton underwear for sensitive skin. Why do people who make expensive pants for sensitive skin compromise everything with a cheap scratchy label?

I get through E45 cream by the bucket-load and have to use expensive shower gel. Everything is expensive, despite the NHS. The eczema has been quite costly in terms of lotions, potions and pure cotton next-to-the-skin wear.

Throwing money at a problem is not necessarily the way to solve it. But it sure makes life more comfortable while you are living with it. Very expensive cotton clothes help. I like wearing them. Thanks John Smedley, Spoke and Son of a Taylor. But I feel slightly forced into that position.

What can we learn? Look I'm 70 years old and in pretty decent nick. I have the financial capacity to make decisions that will improve my life. Good haircuts and decent dentistry are a bit Kevin (they Costyer - old family joke). Other improvements are to things that stopped working and need to start again. Eyes and ears for instance. It is like paying for someone to stop hitting you over the head with a spade and then feeling grateful. False teeth, glasses, hearing aids, gym clothes and eczema cream all put me back into the state I was before I needed those.

But the cold makes me itch a bit. At least it has a Latin name in a textbook. Lord preserve us from ever being medically interesting.