Following the YouTube flash-mob, disco-dancing wedding vicar, Catherine Fox asks on Twitter if there are any #actsandomissions clergy are glad have not gone viral. I asked how long she had and she said all day. So, here goes, and none of these happened to a friend; all me folks. You can cram a lot of erring into 28 years:
1. As an ordinand I was reading the lesson at a wedding. My son hit me on the cheek with a model car as I passed him to his mother. As I read, blood dripped onto the Bible.
2. Early wedding. Ring rolled off book and up chancel aisle. Had to dive for it to stop it going down grating. Succeeded gracelessly.
3. Early baptism. Infant threw my clip-mic into the font.
4. All-age service on Joseph. Changed the gender of Potiphar thus suggesting Joseph was tempted to have gay sex. Did this twice before someone stopped me.
5. Coffin got stuck half-way down. Undertakers had to put their feet on it.
6. Undertaker fell in small hole with casket of ashes.
7. Playing piano for Praise My Soul the King of Heaven at a big afternoon baptism where no-one was singing. Made a different, catastrophic mistake every verse.
8. Sent off playing football for church team. For dangerous play.
9. Announced that an overlong speaker needed to wrap up because of Swanwick lunch just as my colleague announced that he had arranged for lunch to be delayed 15 minutes.
10. 1,000+ action songs badly led.
11. Many illegal acts of public worship, especially in the last seven years.
12. Too many sermons under-prepared.
13. Realised half-way through funeral that I had forgotten how to pronounce deceased's awkward Christian name. In getting this right I got the surname wrong.
14. Services completely missed in 28 years = 2. Services arrived at late, unwashed and wearing the robes of a shorter man = 1.
15. Locked out of school (where our church meets) on Easter Day.
16. All-age services where no children present = many.
17. Sang The Lord's My Shepherd with gusto to make up for quiet funeral congregation. When I finished they carried on to the last verse. Have no idea how many verses I got wrong.
18. Tumbleweed following attempts at humour = 167 (about five a year).
19. Laughs following attempt at stand-up comedy = 1
20. Further announced attempts at comedy = 0. Laughs have increased.
I may think of more. They will be protected behind my arrogance and self-interest wall. If you are one of the two people in the country who has not yet viewed the YouTube flash-mob, disco-dancing wedding vicar then: