Literally?

Those of us who are spelling and grammar pedants may find that we cause ourselves considerable inconvenience, or death no less, if we inist on obeying badly worded signs.

Last week, at a retreat house, I encountered a lavatory. On top of the cistern was this note:

Absolutely nothing except toilet paper to be put down this loo

I ignored the note and had a wee.

Absolutes are a trap aren't they? In a local church there is an upright piano in the hall. On top of it is a sign on folded card saying:

Absolutely nothing to be left on top of this piano

I keep moving the notice but someone keeps putting it back there.

But death? Oh yes. From Chester-le-Street Parish Centre circa 1992:

NO EXIT ONLY IN THE EVENT OF FIRE

Embrace bad punctuation or burn, my friends. Or should that be:

Embrace bad punctuation or burn my friends