Cleaning Tips

My respect for plumbers knows few limits. Firstly because my strike record at actual plumbing is poor but secondly, and I give you fair warning that this sentence will not end nicely, because of crud. Plumbers have to have a high resistance to the side effects of crud. Actually that shouldn't be a plural. There is only one side-effect. When you have had a lot of crud on you it is disturbing and you tend to recall the experience when you least want to - working your way down the menu at a new restaurant for instance. A crud covering is not something one should relive.

People of the parish should be very grateful that I am crudophobic. You damn sure want to know that it has all gone by the 'We break this bread' point of the service.

Two nights ago the toilet seat half broke. I meant to write a note to the cleaners saying to be careful but I forgot and returned home yesterday to the sight of a toilet seat placed vertically and, in so far as it can be this, sorrowfully against the wall. Both its plastic fixings had broken.

I received my instructions from the visual merchandising department, a sub-section of management, which failed to find any merit in the argument that the said toilet was in the en suite and few people would see it and was told to fix it or replace it.

On discovering its unfixability, I was informed I had to get a tasteful and practical replacement. Further advice as to what constituted tasteful and practical would be provided once I had purchased same.

Not wanting to have the word loser attached to me for any longer than necessary I tracked down, in the first store I tried, an identical loo seat to the broken one, brought it home and fitted it before the quality control inspector got home from work. Then I took her out for a meal. She hasn't seen it yet. I'll let you know if it passes muster.

You need to know that within the expression 'fitted it' is the unfitting of the bolts of the broken seat. Herein lay crud in epic quantities; the crud of a million misdirected pees by, probably, myself occasionally and, get this, previous occupants of the house.

We keep our loos clean and also have cleaners to clean after we've cleaned (heaven forefend that the cleaners would find a dirty toilet to clean) but crud finds its way into the world's uncleanable places. I hate unscrewing crud-covered nuts and bolts.

Other people's crud. It couldn't be my day job.

Now wash your hands. You'll want to.