Updated this again for the Christ Church and Tickenham magazine:
I would like to offer you a final chance to order appropriate gifts for the twelve days of Christmas. Sadly not all traditional produce is currently available. However we can offer:
A partridge, some bits of broken registration plate and a cracked indicator glass. It was run down as I swerved to avoid a pear tree felled by the wind.
The two turtle doves have been humanely destroyed in view of their many communicable diseases.
Under a new agreement the British are providing the hens; the French are making the coops.
Four calling birds, vocally modified to avoid upsetting country dwellers of a non-rural background.
Five golden rings bought off that Dave who pops into the pub every now and again with interesting stuff know what I mean. Christmas orders for Nintendo products will be available Friday evening.
One frozen goose, giblets included. Orders for six live and fertile geese could not be fulfilled at this time.
Swans belong to the Crown and should be left alone. Anyone in possession of seven should be reported to the police.
Eight non-gender-specific milking persons. Do not threaten the human rights of male milkers.
Nine dancers and their partners – vote now to save your favourite. Calls from mobiles might not be charged at the normal rate.
Ten Lords formerly a-leaping but now enjoying a graceless retirement.
Eleven sequenced piping samples playing dub lang syne on heavy rotation.
Twelve Hammerhead 1.0 rhythm programmes downloaded via Windows media player.