Eurovision

Missed Eurovision? Not to worry. MSS brings you the lowdown on the songs to save you having to listen to them. Lyric snatches are best guesses.

The adjustment to the judging system this year meant that there was less chance of block votes being over-influential. That said there was no adjustment to the song-writing system and so we were presented with a rather greater selection of boring old tosh than usual.

Full marks to the Russians for not having long gaps between acts; twenty-five songs were all over inside two hours to make space for the voting - the bit most people are interested in.

The jury is still out on Graham Norton. Tel's boots are hard to fill and Norton tried hard. Possibly he hinted just a little too much that he'd heard stuff before and been an 'insider.' But he didn't spoil it and deserves another year.

Lithuania
Betrilbyed crooner playing gentle piano riff which mysteriously continued when he left the piano. Backing singers dresses reassuringly short. Bodes well for the ogling community. Appropriate start. Lead singer ended by setting his hand on fire.

Israel
An Arab and a Jew singing, 'There must be another way' in English. The verses were in other languages so they may also have been trading insults. 'When I cry, I cry for both of us.' Exactly. Ended by playing percussion on empty Castrol GTX-shaped cans. Knew it was all about oil really.

France
Heroin chic. So 1990s. 'Maintenant c'est printemps aussi en Francais' or quelque chose.

Sweden
'Can you keep a secret? I'm in love with you.' Oops. Accidentally shared it with the whole of Europe. Dead mink clawed their way up her dress as the new genre of techno-opera was born.

Croatia
Black clothes. Wind tunnel. White clothes.

Portugal
Finding appropriate garments for the fat lass. Always a chore. Only Los Lobos can do a cool accordion solo and they were nowhere to be seen. Three to one on that the bongo player is gay.

Iceland
Correct Eurovision-winner rhythm. Great teeth. First key change of the evening.

Greece
You wait seven songs for a key change and then... There have been some great Eurovision dance routines over the years. This lot should have videod them. Pumping dance anthem.

Armenia
Cracking intro. Everything changed when the tune started. Go West on a bad day. 'Ti di di ti di di ti di di dum. Sister move your body.' Key change. 'Jump it up with a log fire.' Might have misheard that last bit.

Russia
Wore a beach towel. Sang flat. Got older. They so don't want to have to pay to stage this again.

Azerbaijan
Always fun to spot which of the backing singers felt disappointed not to be up front. In this case it was all of them. Each female performer had one leg painted gold.

Bosnia Herzogovina
Little Drummer Boy by Take Thatski.

Moldova
You will have experienced the novelty act at the pantomime. Final scene of Act 1.

Malta
The fat lady sings but it's not over yet. Key change. Hell of a voice. Not visual.

Estonia
Rhythm and stringy. Almost OK. 6th.

Denmark
A band. A song. A chance. Came 13th. What do we know?

Germany
Oh dear. 'Do the heedy hi haz. Do the houchy bang bang.' Minnie mouched.

Turkey
Dreadful. Dreadful. Dreadful. Could win. 4th.

Albania
White faces are acceptable only for mimes.

Norway
Sweet Norwegian story. Bore no relation to the music. In keeping with the tradition that the song you think most unlikely to do well usually wins, it won.

Ukraine
Three silver MDF hamster wheels. Scanty clothing. 'Baby, baby you're so high - be my, be my Valentine. Three months late love. You are scratchy bum.' Roman centurions on stage.

Romania
Something fishy. Graham Norton pointed out the vocalist also on stage on whom the camera never focused.

UK
Andrew Lloyd-Webber live on piano. Singer had a good voice bar one slip. Dreadful song. Key change. Words didn't all fit in her mouth.

Finland
The Fins have become Eurovision's novelty act but this year they tried to tick all the boxes that have previously delivered success. Rap. Fire. Clichés. We had to wait 23 acts for frocks as tight as the Lithuanian's. Stopped rather than ended.

Spain
Power pop with a big-nosed dancer. 'Come on and take me; come on and shake me.'

Enjoyable evening.