Tonight on Radio 4 the contestants on The Write Stuff had to produce pastiches of famous novels in the style of Raymond Chandler. Well I have spent the whole day reworking our Parish Profile and tonight at Deanery Synod there were a few gaps for thinking so here we go. With sincere apologies and no real persons etc etc here is The Parish Profile by Raymond Chandler:
Harry the Church Warden was lying on the sofa trying desperately to get the cork out of breakfast. It had been a tough night. The Section 11 meeting had started with thirty people seated at 7.30 and ended with the breaking of chairs over the standing committee at midnight.
He surveyed his body through gluey eyelids. Blood. Ripped clothes. Splinters. Yeah. He'd taken some furniture hits for the Gospel.
He took a draw on the half empty bottle and felt the medicinal burn. As his eyes opened fully he became aware that he was not alone. Rigid on the mat beside him lay the body of his PCC secretary, twisted in uncomfortable finality. Protruding from her chest was the handle of his favourite bread knife. It looked pretty bad. He let loose an expletive. Not two vacancies.
Next instalment tomorrow.