Eurovision 2008

Before we begin you need, if new to all this, to understand that this is a competition in two parts. First of all there are some entertaining songs in largely three styles - 80s pop, big ballad or novelty. Then there is a vote in which Eurovision nations tell us who their friends are. Since the Iraq war, France, Spain, Germany and the UK all finish way down the list regardless of the quality of the song but the people of these four countries are not Eurowise enough to vote for each other insisting, for some strange reason, on mainly voting for the best songs.

Romania
Dinner jacket and bow-tie over jeans is not a good look and the song was equally schizophrenic. There was a key change but nobody warned the female vocalist. It may have been Romanian but I'm sure the chorus was , 'Pastor - I came to read your data.'

UK
Blimey. Well performed. Pretty good in a Nik Kershaw meets Level 42 kind of way. If we had mates we could win.

Albania
Big ballad with subtle key change. One of many songs performed in a wind tunnel.

Germany
They haven't really got a clue have they, the Germans? Four well proportioned lasses in short dresses and on towering heels did everything well apart from the singing bit.

Armenia
Dum de dum dum; dum de dum de dum

Bosnia-Herzegovina
A surreal marionette-aping Cinderella is romanced by a runner up from the regional finals of the Johnny Depp division of the Bosnian Stars in Your Eyes heats. A Helena Bonham-Carter-alike watches on. This is the stuff. Tim Burton must have produced it.

Israel
Sounded a bit Jewish. Tune not quite stuck to. Nice guitar intro but crumpled into big strings.

Finland
Fin Lizzy

Croatia
They called for hip hop but a communications failure gave them a guy who needed a hip op. Percussion lead played on half-filled bottles of red liquid.

Poland
Do people like Poland? If the dress stays on this could win. They own a Runrig album.

Iceland
This is my life. Apparently. You spin me right round baby right round like a record baby...

Turkey
Johny Marr's let himself go a bit. Strong song. Well performed. Stands a chance.

Portugal.
Not a little woman so there is now a Euro-shortage of black silk. Death at sea always a popular theme.

Latvia
Europirates. He's not called Roger and he's not jolly. With a hi hi ho and a key change.

Sweden
I like legs but stop ogling when the eye make-up is that scary. Face lift? Key change.

Denmark
All night long. Felt like it but I may be wilting.

Georgia
Everyone changed costume from black to white under a veil at the bridge. Peace will come. A metaphor perhaps. Bucks Fizz's fault.

Ukraine
Shady lady or summat?

France
Once everyone thinks you are cool you get to define cool. This is the exception.

Azerbaijan
Good versus evil. Pop disco-rock with castrati. The devil turned good with a costume change. This year's sub plot?

Greece
The secret combination to the centre of my heart. A song about a chastity belt then. Small pink dress removed to reveal smaller pink dress beneath.

Spain
Another novelty entry. Trying to start a dance craze. Not working.

Serbia
Terry Wogan and the hall liked this ballad. Sorry I didn't notice it.

Russia
No, I lost it when the manic ice-dancer came on. Real ice not provided.

Norway
Amy Winehouse turns in her oh sorry isn't she dead yet?

I think the same woman sang at least four of these songs. Might have been a costume change or maybe just a paint job. Anyway Russia won and Poland came joint last so what do I know? Good year for leg men.