So here we are at the Mustard Seed Shavings Awards Ceremony and it's very tense as we wonder quietly if St will be able to remember anything worth making an imaginary award for. And how many sentences start with a conjunction and have a preposition to finish with.
A man was putting up a sign saying fish and chips but he wrote fishandchips by mistake. The owner complained that he hadn't left enough space between fish and and and and and chips. Five ands in a row. A little thought will tell you that an infinitely long sentence can thus be constructed using gaps between and and and. That's a personal favourite of mine and a little anecdote to begin this no expense spent ceremony.
Step forward Bono to make the presentation of the 'Using your celebrity to make a difference in people's lives' award and hand it over to Jamie Oliver. Terrible public speaker, great youth and children's worker. Thank you for showing us what went into a chicken nugget.
Next Tony Benn comes on stage to present the award for 'Sod the party politics let's speak our mind and be interesting award,' which goes jointly to Boris Johnson and George Galloway. Thanks guys. Disagreed with you but enjoyed the discussion. The Conservatives may now have achieved their objective of appointing a leader with no visible political philosophy or policies - a genuine rival for Blairism.
A woman asked her son to come in out of the rain. He shouted back, 'It's not raining so there's nothing to come in out of from.'
Book of the year. Nothing highbrow here. Christopher Brookmyre's 'All Fun and Games Until Somebody Loses an Eye' combined black comedy with thrills as ever. He can't be here to accept as he has to be writing his next book. Please God he must. Magnus Mills will present the award to himself as he'll probably win it back next year.
Album of the year. Beating off stiff competition from the Alabama 3's Outlaw and Ambulance LTD's debut we have the Dead 60s. Thank you. The Specials, the Clash and Madness after being put through a vehicle crusher.
No-one to present it as I forgot to invite them.
Gig of the year - The Alabama 3 at Oxford Zodiac. A great 50th birthday present. Saw them a second time at the end of the tour and they looked a little weary and slightly more mashed than usual if that be possible.
Sports personality of the Year. Hard to argue with Freddie although tempted to give it to Richard Adams of Leamington FC for regular entertainment or Geoff Horsfield for the goal that kept the Baggies up. In the end I plump for Shane Warne. What a series he had.