Recipe

While you are contemplating eye surgery take some fresh beetroot and dry roast at 150 degrees for three to four hours. Leave the skin, roots and an inch of shoots. They will bleed if you don't.

When cooked and cooled, peel and slice. Add fresh orange segments, fresh basil leaves and a stick of celery sliced thinly (for a crunch). Cover in cling-film and leave the ingredients to get to know each other in a cool place, such as a fridge not the Custard Factory, Zodiac Club or my lounge, for about a day.

At the last minute add black pepper (or even nutmeg), coarse salt and extra basil leaves. Serve with high quality knapkins whilst wearing dark colours. Ideally outdoors but nearly October is a bit late for that. Oh and warm, crusty bread with a glass of slightly buttery chardonay. Tomorrow night it will be ready; a post-Willow Creek Conference treat. If you are up the Willow Creek is it without a bat?

Bleach your fingers until all that is left is beetroot-stained bone, then give up for three days by which time it will have worn off. Resign yourself to only playing the black notes of the piano until then.