Football Headlines

I used to work with a colleague who, for a time, shared a surname with the England Football Manager. One of our joys, as kind-hearted and thoughtful colleagues, was to cut out particularly apposite newspaper headlines to adorn said colleague's desk. Let's call him Venables (it wasn't that one).

Disappointing nights provided the richest pickings:

VENABLES IN TROUBLE

INJURIES MOUNT UP FOR VENABLES

And my personal favourite:

VENABLES DOESN'T KNOW HIS BEST SIDE YET

You get the sort of thing. After several years in the job we had quite a scrapbook.

This thought came back to me at the weekend as I pondered the potential headlines a successful performance by Arsenal's Gabriel Jesus might elicit in the top-of-the-table clash with Manchester City on Easter Sunday.

We learned before kick off that City's John Stones was unavailable. What a joy it would have been to read:

JESUS TAKES ADVANTAGE OF MISSING STONES

Although the less-used bit of the name might have led to:

GABRIEL LEAVES A BIG MESSAGE

Maybe a few balls in from the wing could have prompted:

JESUS PUTS AWAY CROSSES

Or a mighty comeback:

JESUS LEADS GUNNERS BACK FROM THE DEAD

Or:

JESUS ALIVE TO BURY CITY

As it happened the only headlines were about a boring 0-0 draw. Which left my favourite footie headline of all time still unopposed. It concerned the night after the Mighty Celtic had been knocked out of the Scottish Cup by lowly Inverness Caledonian Thistle. The midnight duty sub-editor had either been saving this one for ages or it just came to them in a moment of genius:

SUPER CALEY GO BALLISTIC CELTIC ARE ATROCIOIUS

Marvellous