Drugs Advice

Today Shavings welcomes drugs expert and government advisor Arthur Rizla-Paper who will answer your letters and emails on drugs and government policy. Let's take some questions:

From Edith Wideyed of Dorset
I seem to be having difficulty sleeping although I haven't changed my routine at all. Have I somehow become intolerant of the three cups of espresso I drink after supper?

Arthur Rizla-Paper writes
Yes Edith, caffeine is a dangerous drug and should be banned.

From Fred Tumblerful of the second bench from the left, Town Park, no fixed town
My earnings have gone down considerably since I left the bank under a cloud last year and my health is suffering. Is it anything to do with this, damn almost empty, bottle of Scotch in my pocket?

Arthur Rizla-Paper writes
Yes Fred, alcohol is a dangerous drug and should be banned. I hope you find yourself sleeping under this advice column before it's too late.

From Elsie Yellowfingers of Belfast
I have this terrible, persistent cough and a tremor in my left hand. How can I light my cigarettes?

Arthur Rizla-Paper writes
Oh dear; nicotine is a dangerous drug and cigarettes should be banned. Sadly you can still buy them at supermarkets although I note the dangerous Turkey Twizzlers have been removed from shelves.

From Ben Jerry in Dundee
I have eaten chocolate chip ice-cream for breakfast since I was three years old. Has this had something to do with my incredible sensitivity to the cold? Is ice-cream a dangerous drug which should be banned?

Arthur Rizla-Paper writes
No Ben. I imagine that anyone daft enough to eat ice-cream for breakfast is also too stupid to wear a coat in a Scottish winter.

From Mr Spliff Bong of Whocaresman
Hey this is a cool column. Wanna drag?

Arthur Rizla-Paper writes
Yeah baby let's blow a stick. Oh damn, I can't, it's banned.

From Mr Nutt of the dole queue
As a former government consultant on drugs matters I'd like to congratulate you on your sanguine advice. Do you think you are campaigning against government policy?

Arthur Rizla-Paper writes
Who's campaigning? I'm just answering questions. Hang on, the phones ringing...

Well as Mr Rizla-Paper wanders off to get the phone we imagine he'll be tied up for a while so we'll close it there. Thanks very much Arthur and good luck in whatever career you opt for next.

With acknowledgement to the late Miles Kington, who did this sort of thing rather well from time to time.