Rewrite 5

Notwithstanding my abilities in the human/angelic glossolalic interface, the absence of person/person and person/deity I/thouness tends to leave me more percussively challenged than campanological.

The Apprentice

I think, rather than watching any of this new seris of The Apprentice, I'll simply read Charlie Brooker's accounts. This one is wonderful. If you're in a hurry skip to the last two paragraphs, but the whole piece is delicious.

Apologies

I recently recalled two incidents from childhood which I had long forgotten. Hitting Jeremy Evans over the head with a broom, thinking that the soft brushy end would cause him no harm, but catching him with the wooden bit.

Having a tantrum at a meal table and kicking milk into Paul Leyser's supper. Couldn't have been more than about seven.

Isn't our power of recall weird. The only connection I can think of between the two incidents is that both these people were sons of friends of my mother rather than my own friends.

Anyway, it's a bit late but I apologise. I probably didn't say it properly then.

Date of Easter

Most years someone asks me about the date of Easter and how it is decided each year. The answer:

'The date of Easter Day was defined by the Council of Nicaea in AD325 as the Sunday after the first full moon which falls on or after the Spring Equinox. The Equinox is assumed to always fall on 21st March. In 2009, Easter will fall on April 12th and in 2010, Easter will fall on April 4th.'

(from http://www.reep.org/resources/easter/index.php)

Rewrite 4

The intention of my presence was an increasing incidence of your humanity experience, culminating in a possible maximum.

Rewrite 3

Permanent deletion from the gene pool is the pay-cheque for falling short whilst the alternative is available for nothing.

Rewrite 2

Not only is there a certain ubiquity about the human inability to behave appropriately but also a failure to attain the doxological standards of the supreme being.

Rewrite

A couple of decades ago, when there was a first outbreak of what we might call 'management speak,' someone with too much time on their hands started rewriting the Bible as for a management seminar. The one I can remember is:

The Lord and I are in a shepherd/sheep situation and I am in a position of negative need.

That's an easy one to start with but please write the reference in the comments box. They will get harder. Answers in a fortnight.

Tokyo Marathon UIpdate

Spoke to son Jon on Skype earlier today. He finished the marathon in a creditable 3 hours 40 mins. Thanks to all who have sponsored him and Carys for Cancer Research. Not too late to join in. Click here.

Maths Solution

Problem expressed the other day. Use 5, 5, 5 and 1 to get 24.

If you multiply 5 by 5 and subtract 1 to the power 5 you get 24. I can't get this blog to do superscript so I apologise for the clunky expression of the solution.

Jade Goody RIP

Not much I feel able to write that isn't already better expressed by Biship Nick Baines here. Have a read.

CEN February 2009

Last month's Church of England Newspaper column:

I feel we need to go deeper. Surfing can leave a reputation for levity and shallowness. Let's start heavy this month. Feels a bit Lenten, Lentish whatever. Deep Church says that, '...Remembering our shared Christian past is essential for facing the future. This site provides a place for academics, practitioners, church historians, theologians and, most importantly, church communities to reflect on a range of issues for which a vibrant contemporary faith requires a careful listening to the past even as we move into the future.' Weighty enough?

ReSource '...works for the renewal of people and churches for mission in the power of the Holy Spirit - across all traditions, Churches and denominations, but with an Anglican distinctive. We understand renewal as the ongoing process by which God brings spiritual refreshment and practical challenges to individuals, churches and communities. We work primarily through a scattered and travelling team of people with complementary giftings and experience.' If you are still looking for a Lent course (wakey wakey) then their publication Season of Renewal may help.

'To arrive at the edge of the world's knowledge, seek out the most complex and sophisticated minds, put them in a room together, and have them ask each other the questions they are asking themselves.' This is the nose-bleed inducing mission statement of Edge. It's where the smart people surf.

Digging a lot is the blog of ordained minister Graham Peacock. He has set himself the target of blogging fifty posts (taking him up until Easter) which are more graceful than destructive. Nice idea. Drop in and encourage him.

Reformed spirituality and missional church is the subject of much of the writing of Tim Chester. His Sheffield church is part, but not typical, of the emerging church movement. Amongst the gems there is an alarmingly long essay on how to wash up properly to the glory of God. I detect a personal agenda.

For something more reflective try the unbelievable photography and spiritual insights of Methodist Minister and palaeoecologist (I don't know either) Dave Perry at Davesdistrictblog or the poetry of the anonymous blogger at the excellently named Feralchristianity.

I don't go a bundle on promoting shopping sites but iwantoneofthose provides a useful service. It sells all those gadgets and gizmos you may have heard about but don't know where to find. Everything from a fridge magnet photo holder to a stealth model speedboat is there.

During the recent bad weather I learned that a number of schools and other organisations used CardboardFish's services. This organisation enables emails to be sent to mobile phones quickly and in a bundle, so you can tell people about your closed school/office or cancelled event to save them travelling.

I think most of us have now got the hang of ignoring emailed virus warnings. Virus-checking software will sort things quicker than an email from someone in your address book. Often the warning itself contains a link to malware (a programme that purports to be useful but actually steals your information/secrets/passwords). But what about those emailed heart-warming tales, miracles and requests to send messages of support to various collectors or victims? Snopes is an information source to check out many of these before responding. Lots of them are bogus.

When an on-line dictionary or encyclopedia is called for, there are many. If they have user-edited content (Wikipedia for instance) you will have to trust no-one has been messing about with them. This caused a row in the House of Commons recently. See it reported at the BBC News site. Onelook is a word site and also employs a nifty reverse look-up system where you can find a word from its meaning. Merriam-Webster (dictionary and thesaurus) remains my firm favourite but let's keep them on their toes.

You may have had it up to here (I know you can't see where I'm pointing but trust me, it's a long way up) with social networking sites but Twitter seems to be catching on and Tumblr combines blogging and social networking. A nice feature of Tumblr is the ability to compare keywords across its pages. Are people talking about blogging, facebooking or twittering the most? You can find out. Twittering. By a country mile.

Some music? Anewbandaday will give you... yeah that's right. Tin. Label. Bingo.

Bigskips.com takes ages to load.

I Forget

Regular readers will know I am interested in brains, probably never having had a fully functioning one I self-insult before you lot have a go. Pah!

The onset of middle-aged forgetfulness happened quite early. I have always found myself easily distracted from the task in hand and so walking into a room and doing something other than that for which I walked in and then returning only to have to repeat the journey for that which I intended is a regular part of my week. I solve a lot of problems but rarely the one which I intended.

Yesterday was worse because R left a maths problem on my answerphone and it took most of the day and I didn't crack it until I was in the shower this morning.

Can you get the total 24 using all the digits 5, 5, 5 and 1 and all or some of the usual symbols plus, minus, times and divide. If you don't understand the question yet don't bother trying to solve it. It's elegant.

So why did I start this? See what a problem I have. Oh yes. Putting things back. How do you trick your mind to remember to return things? I never remember to readjust my wife's car seat when I have borrowed her vehicle, or the mirrors. Today I discovered that she, using the ensuite shower whereas she normally uses one a bit further away to save disturbing me, had pulled down the head and increased the temperature. Maybe it was the bruise and the scalding that helped solve the maths problem.

Too much information. Laters.

Mark's Metaphor

Big up to Mark's self-editing. At least he had the grace to realise he'd mixed his metaphor before he reached the end of it, but nevertheless spoke it out for us all to enjoy:

'As long as we're all singing from the same hymn-sheet we can batter down the opposition.'

Look out world. The staff team of Holy Trinity, Nailsea is coming to getcha, armed only with manuscript paper.

Nothing Against It

I keep hearing this story going the rounds so I thought I'd investigate a bit. It appears to be true. It was in The Sun so that's pretty conclusive.

A man had an electronic tag fitted to his detachable false leg. Bret Ravenhill, 29, was given a curfew order after being convicted for the possession of illegal drugs. The tag was to ensure he obeyed.

The tag was fitted by a civilian working for Group 4 security. This operative failed to notice that Ravenhill's left leg was made of metal and detachable.

Police were apparently impressed with Ravenhill's decision to keep his curfew faultlessly, even though only his left leg needed to keep it and the rest of him could go down the pub. Honest dishonest man versus stupid authority figure. Score draw.

Gift Movies

There's a wee compo going round t'internet about the movies Obama gave Brown. Ta to Kerron for tagging me.

I don't tag folks any more. It seems a bit lower sixth, so have a go if you want.

Take two points for every film you own and have seen (only one if you own it but haven’t got round to watching it yet), one point if you’ve seen it but don’t own the DVD, and no points for those you haven’t either watched, purchased or been given.

OWN and SEEN: Citizen Kane, Star Wars Episode IV, Lawrence of Arabia, The Godfather, It's A Wonderful Life, Vertigo

SEEN: ET, Wizard of Oz, Gone With The Wind, Singing in the Rain, Psycho, 2001: A Space Odyssey, The Graduate

NEVER SEEN: To Kill A Mockingbird, Schindler's List, Raging Bull, The Searchers, On the Waterfront, Some Like it Hot, Chinatown, City Lights, Sunset Boulevard, Casablanca, The General, and The Grapes of Wrath.

I get 19 points. Smashed Kerron's total of six but he's young. Still not very good.

The Shack

Following on from Harry Potter, the da Vinci Code and the Malcolm Gladwell canon I've succumbed to the pressure not to be the only person in the Christian world who hasn't read The Shack.

For those who haven't noticed, it is a best-seller. The story is of a family who have a daughter disappear. There is evidence of murder but no body. Some years later her father receives an invitation in the post to go back to the shack where the evidence was found. In this context the author - William P. Young - discusses the nature of God and evil.

It is a Dan Brown type page turner but as badly written. It has some unsplit infinitives. It grinds the creationist axe, talking of a lake 'formed, some say, by glaciers nine million years ago.' It contains the sum total of all the glib evangelical pratitudes (not a misprint) on the nature of evil without ever getting to grips with nature red in tooth and bloody in claw. The ending sucks. According to the web-site it has helped millions.

Where tragedy confronts eternity, apparently. I don't want my three hours back. I'm glad I read it. We should talk about it. I can't start here without plot-spoiling so I think I'll allow plot-spoiling in the comments box. If you haven't read it, don't read the comments.

Appealing

The church/congregation I look after is a twenty year old plant in the parish of Holy Trinity, Nailsea. For newish readers, we meet in a school and provide a Christian presence on an estate with few public buildings and little sense of community.

The parish church a couple of miles away houses three other congregations and the parish offices. It is old and in the medieval part of the town. Next door is a Georgian, grade two listed rectory and a tithe barn.

There is a tri-incidence of needs. The Trinity Centre (the parish hall attached to the church) needs updating, the Tithe Barn needs renovating and the diocese of Bath and Wells, who own the Rectory, want to sell it. As it is part of the church's historic footprint and we have set a target of numerical growth over the next few years it seems ludicrous not to buy it.

So all this means that in a time of economic downturn we are launching an appeal today to raise enough money to do all three things which will be a cool million give or take.

On the one hand this seems crazy. On the other, if you want to walk on water...

Let's see.

God is not Great

I've been working my way through Christopher Hitchens' anti-religion polemic of the above title. He writes better than Richard Dawkins and is not afraid to have a pop at all the world's religions, including Islam, so respect etc.

Thing is, same flaw as Dawkins, many of the sorts of things he shoots at deserve targeting. Christians whose God is so small they cannot imagine him existing 13 billion years ago and opt for a ridiculous young earth creationism. Mormons who base their entire faith around the frequently castigated and derided Joseph Smith. Those who worship relics of the true cross. Pop. Pop. Pop.

To be fair Martin Luther-King and Gandhi also get a bit of a hammering. Apparently they would have done what they did even without their faith backing. Who can say? Maligning dead people is an easy way not to have an argument.

The main problem with his problem with Christianity is his problem with the Bible, specifically, the Old Testament. Hitchens supposes that Christians have a stuck theology rather than a developing one. The Bible is the story of a developing understanding of God. God doesn't change but the human grasp of him - he doesn't require child sacrifice, he does relate to people personally, he doesn't want eyes for eyes and teeth for teeth, he does want equality between men and women. None of these thoughts are clear throughout Scripture. They develop.

For Hitchens the previous failures of religion are too big and all faith must go. For us. We just admit we haven't got it right yet and start over, seeking forgiveness. If God exists, he is great. Hitchens title has one word too many.

God is Imaginary

I love discussing faith with people of no faith. It's one of the great joys of life as a follower of Jesus. Where I find it hardest to help is where the genuine seeker is stuck in their search, having tried everything thoughtfully, carefully and prayerfully.

Where I find it easiest is where the people of no faith have as many misunderstandings about the nature of the Bible as here. Pop along to this site which offers 50 'proofs' that God is imaginary. See how long it takes you mentally to demolish each one. Some will take as long as ten seconds.

New Ways of Being Church

With life having got a teensy bit quieter recently I'm anxious to breathe some life into the whole new ways of being church discussion. I met a couple recently who have started a conversation, no more no less, with another couple in the Portishead area about moving on from traditional church and what's next. They got me energised.

If you are local to Nailsea and have something to say I'm thinking of nominating a night of the week where I'll be down at the Old Farmhouse to talk. Are there any immediate thoughts and comments anyone wants to make?

The Bourne Conundrum

I read a review this week of Matthew Bourne's latest live set. It begins with he and his fellow musicians banging the lids of some six ex-junk pianos, eventually in rhythm. Later he does a version of My Way as '...cacophony that makes Sid Vicious' version sound urbane.' You get the drift.

We went to a Matthew Bourne gig at Warwick Arts Centre a few years back. The trio wandered on stage. The percussionist picked up and dropped various sticks and brushes, as if he was having trouble deciding with which to begin. The bass player started knocking and turning his bass as if he had never seen such an instrument in his life. Bourne drank half a glass of water and then tapped out a rhythm on the tumbler. We noticed that all this shambolic nonsense was beginning to suggest a groove, at which point Bourne broke the glass with whatever he was hitting it with and covered himself with water. He removed his wet jumper (hardly stage clothing - it was old, holed and baggy) and threw it into the grand piano. He then tried a few notes using the pullover as a damper. This lasted several minutes.

For the rest of the set (which included the largest interval, audience walk-out I have ever experienced) occasional melodies appeared but were soon chased off stage by improvisation. We sat through the whole performance, more out of wonder at what else might be done.

So if you ever ponder whether to experience Matthew Bourne playing live please note. No-one has any idea what he will do at a gig and whether any of it is intended. The lad can play though and is surrounded by great musicians most of the time.

No-one Likes Us - We Don't Care

I was prompted to write this by a blog-friend Ali who just had to have a bit of a rant about a narrow, recent rugby victory. I think she may be Irish. I have no problem with defeat. I'm a Baggie and I'm English for God's sake; I'm used to this. Everyone else loves beating the English more than most other victories. Post colonial cool-down will probably have to last for another couple of centuries before everyone realises we've had our day and no longer wish to run the world. Anyway we can't really work out what English is. Half the time we confuse it with British. Bothered. Well the Welsh, Scots and Irish are. Probably joined by Yorkshire and Cornwall. Oops. Off track.

The thing I wanted to write about is this - and I will need to explain a few terms as we go along. When I started at King Edward VI, Birmingham in 1966, in the Shells, I was put in a house called Vardy.

The houses were all named after former Chief Masters (Head Teachers). The years had titles. Shells were what is now known as year 7. My school had Remove, Upper Middles, 4ths, 5ths, Divisions and Sixths - don't ask. A pupil in the Shells was called a sherring by everybody in any year above. I know it's all a bit Harry Potter but stick with me here.

At the end of my first year there was a prize giving. The house prize was called the Cock House Championship (stop sniggering). Vardy came last. The Chief Master, aware that Vardy had won the Championship for the previous six or seven years in a row, said, '...and how nice to see Vardy in last place.'

Take a moment or two to imagine the fate of a Head Teacher of a school still doing competitive games who had the cheek to utter this today. They would be at a disciplinary hearing faster than you could say disciplinary hearing.

I remember sort of wincing and thinking I would like to see my house win again but I was only twelve and pretty soon other things came along to make me less resolute such as cigarettes, skiving and academic inadequacy.

But I think it may have been part of the toughening up process experienced by the hero of the song, 'A boy named Sue.' I got the idea that there are some things you will not be liked for and you can't do squat about it. English. Public school boy. Vardy. Brummie. Baggie. Not proud. Just unable to change and wouldn't want to. Mind you one house was called Prince Lee and their house colour was pink

The person this has delivered to society enjoys criticism in whatever spirit it is delivered, turns off his visual interface when he is concentrating, says what he thinks, often a bit quickly and doesn't mind making unpopular decisions. In fact it never occurs to him that one should even stop to consider making the wrong decision if the right one will hurt someone. He's thick-skinned and expects everyone else to be.

So an England cricket team manages only to draw a test after scoring 600 for 6, the England football team are resolutely about 8th in the world, England rugby teams over achieve at World Cups but are pants the rest of the time and the Baggies are consistently the 21st best side in England and this doesn't really matter.

Enjoy your victories. We know it makes you happy.

The cup for chess was awarded by Viscount Pugh - the Pugh Cup. Say it quickly.

A New Award

MSS is delighted to announce the arrival of a new award. The 'Did you think between sentences?' award goes to Jeff Quinn of Tennessee, interviewed in the Guardian Weekend on the Christian Minister's right to own a gun:

'I'm a Southern Baptist ... if it's written in the pages of the Bible, it's true, and if it's not we don't include it in our lives.

'I've got too many firearms to list them all...'

Thanks Mr Quinn. Wonderfully entertaining.

Local Joke

The Home Secretary is a Villa fan. Mrs Smith suggests this joke:

How many Birmingham City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Both of them

Giving Up

I know, I know. Too much time; too few posts. Grovelly apologies.

Thought you deserved an update on the whole giving-up-knee-jerk-put-downs project (see a couple of posts ago). It's been running for a week now and I've erred, to my certain knowledge, four times. Given that I probably used it as a conversational method up to twenty times a day this is pretty impressive and I'm pleased. Given that on at least one occasion my silence and self-editing has upset someone I think there is a bit of heads I lose tales you win about this. Never mind. I'll try for the whole season.