Going to a non-event tonight. A non-event isn't an event. It isn't really a party. It isn't anything. Unless. Unless. Unless everyone wants it to be.
You want to play cards. Great. Find somene else who does and play cards with them. Don't persuade anyone to play cards against their will.
The same goes for loud music, dancing, computer games, other games, TV watching. These things can only happen in the company of people who want them to happen. You can't turn the TV on in a room if one other person doesn't want it.
It's a sort of lowest common denominator party. Been to it for the last ten years or so and always had fun, food and fine wine.
Pity it's Sunday tomorrow.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Awards 2
So here we are at the Mustard Seed Shavings Awards Ceremony and it's very tense as we wonder quietly if St will be able to remember anything worth making an imaginary award for. And how many sentences start with a conjunction and have a preposition to finish with.
A man was putting up a sign saying fish and chips but he wrote fishandchips by mistake. The owner complained that he hadn't left enough space between fish and and and and and chips. Five ands in a row. A little thought will tell you that an infinitely long sentence can thus be constructed using gaps between and and and. That's a personal favourite of mine and a little anecdote to begin this no expense spent ceremony.
Step forward Bono to make the presentation of the 'Using your celebrity to make a difference in people's lives' award and hand it over to Jamie Oliver. Terrible public speaker, great youth and children's worker. Thank you for showing us what went into a chicken nugget.
Next Tony Benn comes on stage to present the award for 'Sod the party politics let's speak our mind and be interesting award,' which goes jointly to Boris Johnson and George Galloway. Thanks guys. Disagreed with you but enjoyed the discussion. The Conservatives may now have achieved their objective of appointing a leader with no visible political philosophy or policies - a genuine rival for Blairism.
A woman asked her son to come in out of the rain. He shouted back, 'It's not raining so there's nothing to come in out of from.'
Book of the year. Nothing highbrow here. Christopher Brookmyre's 'All Fun and Games Until Somebody Loses an Eye' combined black comedy with thrills as ever. He can't be here to accept as he has to be writing his next book. Please God he must. Magnus Mills will present the award to himself as he'll probably win it back next year.
Album of the year. Beating off stiff competition from the Alabama 3's Outlaw and Ambulance LTD's debut we have the Dead 60s. Thank you. The Specials, the Clash and Madness after being put through a vehicle crusher.
No-one to present it as I forgot to invite them.
Gig of the year - The Alabama 3 at Oxford Zodiac. A great 50th birthday present. Saw them a second time at the end of the tour and they looked a little weary and slightly more mashed than usual if that be possible.
Sports personality of the Year. Hard to argue with Freddie although tempted to give it to Richard Adams of Leamington FC for regular entertainment or Geoff Horsfield for the goal that kept the Baggies up. In the end I plump for Shane Warne. What a series he had.
Bored now.
A man was putting up a sign saying fish and chips but he wrote fishandchips by mistake. The owner complained that he hadn't left enough space between fish and and and and and chips. Five ands in a row. A little thought will tell you that an infinitely long sentence can thus be constructed using gaps between and and and. That's a personal favourite of mine and a little anecdote to begin this no expense spent ceremony.
Step forward Bono to make the presentation of the 'Using your celebrity to make a difference in people's lives' award and hand it over to Jamie Oliver. Terrible public speaker, great youth and children's worker. Thank you for showing us what went into a chicken nugget.
Next Tony Benn comes on stage to present the award for 'Sod the party politics let's speak our mind and be interesting award,' which goes jointly to Boris Johnson and George Galloway. Thanks guys. Disagreed with you but enjoyed the discussion. The Conservatives may now have achieved their objective of appointing a leader with no visible political philosophy or policies - a genuine rival for Blairism.
A woman asked her son to come in out of the rain. He shouted back, 'It's not raining so there's nothing to come in out of from.'
Book of the year. Nothing highbrow here. Christopher Brookmyre's 'All Fun and Games Until Somebody Loses an Eye' combined black comedy with thrills as ever. He can't be here to accept as he has to be writing his next book. Please God he must. Magnus Mills will present the award to himself as he'll probably win it back next year.
Album of the year. Beating off stiff competition from the Alabama 3's Outlaw and Ambulance LTD's debut we have the Dead 60s. Thank you. The Specials, the Clash and Madness after being put through a vehicle crusher.
No-one to present it as I forgot to invite them.
Gig of the year - The Alabama 3 at Oxford Zodiac. A great 50th birthday present. Saw them a second time at the end of the tour and they looked a little weary and slightly more mashed than usual if that be possible.
Sports personality of the Year. Hard to argue with Freddie although tempted to give it to Richard Adams of Leamington FC for regular entertainment or Geoff Horsfield for the goal that kept the Baggies up. In the end I plump for Shane Warne. What a series he had.
Bored now.
Friday, December 30, 2005
Letter to a Successor
Ever wondered about the right way to pitch a letter to a successor? Boris sets the standard. Five laugh-out-loud moments. Weep as he walks the line between sexist/racist nonsense and important truth without ever losing his balance and falling either side.
Never attempt to put out a gas fire with a fire extinguisher, whatever your nationality.
Never attempt to put out a gas fire with a fire extinguisher, whatever your nationality.
Awards
Thought I would inaugurate the Mustard Seed Shavings awards of the year and then hit trouble. Couldn't recall anything about the year. Have to have a think.
A quote from the past hits me; 'Why bother trying to remember it if you've written it down?' (Alastair King - CPAS administrator extraordinaire and St Paul's Church Treasurer)
So administration is remembering where you put everythings. I blog; I forget. There's a thought.
A quote from the past hits me; 'Why bother trying to remember it if you've written it down?' (Alastair King - CPAS administrator extraordinaire and St Paul's Church Treasurer)
So administration is remembering where you put everythings. I blog; I forget. There's a thought.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
More on Men
So my Mum says I must go and then starts another conversation and then seems disappointed that I don't pursue it and sighs and I say sorry but you said you must go and she says it's because she thought I must want to go and I'm a man and a woman would understand that '...and another thing' meant something else even if uttered after 'I must go'. There are rules about these things. Course as a man I know the rules better than any woman because if there's one thing a man does really well it's rules. That's why I know the whole of the ball must be over the whole of the line whether on the ground or in the air before it's a goal. I know the rules. It's just that I won't play this particular game.I revisited John Eldredge's book Wild at Heart in researching an article just now. You will see that at Amazon you can get 33% off. His thesis is that men are bored and need:
- A battle to fight
- An adventure to live
- A beauty to rescue
I dismissed him when I first read the book, a gift from a well-meaning colleague, as someone who was just not like me. I now think it's worse than that. He's wrong. All these books that send men back into their caves to rest or back to fairyland to rescue damsels don't propel men into an exciting future but strand them in a depressing past. Men are evolving. Evolving a more caring side (slowly). Evolving a more subservient side (on occasions). Evolving to be less wild.
There may still be trouble in town-centres on Saturday nights (although note there hasn't been much publicity about beer-fuelled over-exuberance this Christmas due to the apparent early success of the new later-opening legislation) because some men are still a bit wild, but the secret is not to find ways to be wild more safely but to understand evolution.
Eldredge says you can tell what a creature is for by watching it. Labradors love water he says. Well maybe. But does that mean the labrador is cruelly abused if kept in a home miles from a river? Course not. They just find something else to love. Eagles love to soar he says. Do they bollocks. Ignoring the philosophical question of whether a creature with limited intelligence can love anything, they just do it because they have evolved like that to catch fish and rabbits, we must note that looking to the past for information about how to behave now will not help you to adapt to the changing world around you, or even, if you are creative enough, to adapt the changing world around you to you.
Men may love battles but they shouldn't. They should perhaps dream of a world where all the damsels can cope alone. In short, they should get out more. Don't go backwards, evolve.
Still won't play phone games with my mother. Yet. The whole of the ball isn't over the whole of the line.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Sorry
Gee I was tired. Had no idea how tired I was until I stopped again. Tried to do some thinking about things but all that came out was this mush. Still have got a great recipe for a baked ham crust with marmalade and mustard, an idea that makes sprouts edible and the feeling that tomorrow, just maybe, I'll write again. Watched Top Gear tonight. Hate cars but such a dearth of comedy over Christmas that this received the best laugh of the season award. Had a verucca treated. In pain; can't walk. Sorry you didn't need to know that.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Avocado
The ripe avocado is a most confusing weapon. On impact the victim feels the shock of the blow from the hard outer shell, sequencing gently into relief as it compacts to a soft fruit cushion and finally feeling the full force of the impact of the mighty central stone. And all this in the space of a millisecond. Have no doubt. In the right hands the ripe avocado is the stealth weapon of choice.
That's it for pre-Christmas hilarity. The Mustard Seed Shavings 'best of the year' results will be published in the next few days, along with the names of those least likely to survive 2006 (much more fun than the list of who died in 2005).
Don't bother to look for seekings and ramblings tomorrow. The over-used metaphor of time will have been removed by the copy editor of destiny. 'Til St Stephen's Day then.
That's it for pre-Christmas hilarity. The Mustard Seed Shavings 'best of the year' results will be published in the next few days, along with the names of those least likely to survive 2006 (much more fun than the list of who died in 2005).
Don't bother to look for seekings and ramblings tomorrow. The over-used metaphor of time will have been removed by the copy editor of destiny. 'Til St Stephen's Day then.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Thought
An almost at the end of the year thought for the year. Just because there is something interesting in South America or Africa, or a rare animal in New Zealand, or a thing of outstanding natural beauty in Northern Canada, you don't have to go and see it. Your life will not get worse without seeing it and other people's lives will get better if you travel less.
Trust
One of my wife's company's promises, which gives them a slight business edge, is that they will refund on returned goods for any reason. This is a generous offer and, of course, operates on trust.
The unpleasant people of this world take advantage of it - pound to a penny someone somewhere will bring back two cases of glasses just after the New Year having used purchase and refund as a free glass-hire scheme. They will deny having washed them even though you will be able to see dishwasher marks on them. They will go to tortuous lengths to explain why they have carefully removed the stickers from each glass even though they were already in the very process of deciding they didn't want them.
Today Liz is visiting a woman who wants a replacement oak table because when she put a wet-bottomed glass on it a ring-stain was caused. Liz has refused my three suggestions:
1. Replace her table with a formica topped one as she is clearly too lazy to own real wood.
2. Show her how to polish out a ring stain.
3. Ask if she would also like a refund on her brain which clearly doesn't work any more.
This is because Liz is tactful, diplomatic, political and a good ambassador for her company. Some compromise will be found so that the woman returns as a customer. This is why Liz is in retail, where you do not tell the customers they are being stupid and I am in the church where you, oops, went too far with that train of thought.
The unpleasant people of this world take advantage of it - pound to a penny someone somewhere will bring back two cases of glasses just after the New Year having used purchase and refund as a free glass-hire scheme. They will deny having washed them even though you will be able to see dishwasher marks on them. They will go to tortuous lengths to explain why they have carefully removed the stickers from each glass even though they were already in the very process of deciding they didn't want them.
Today Liz is visiting a woman who wants a replacement oak table because when she put a wet-bottomed glass on it a ring-stain was caused. Liz has refused my three suggestions:
1. Replace her table with a formica topped one as she is clearly too lazy to own real wood.
2. Show her how to polish out a ring stain.
3. Ask if she would also like a refund on her brain which clearly doesn't work any more.
This is because Liz is tactful, diplomatic, political and a good ambassador for her company. Some compromise will be found so that the woman returns as a customer. This is why Liz is in retail, where you do not tell the customers they are being stupid and I am in the church where you, oops, went too far with that train of thought.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Seven Things
Thanks to Kerron Cross I found this. Why not have a go yourself?
Seven things to do before I die:
1. Have a screenplay made.
2. Play in a really good band.
3. Make my house great.
4. xxxx in the xxxx with xxxxxx dressed in her xxxxxxxxx, xxxx-xxxxx, black xxxxxx-xxx and no xxxxxxxx.
5. Be interviewed for my opinion on a matter of importance.
6. See an end to global poverty.
7. Sort out my study without losing its mystery and wonder.
Seven things I cannot do
1. Play drums.
2. Ever smoke again.
3. Believe the whole Bible is history.
4. Sing a decent range.
5. Fix technology , or indeed anything.
6. Drink more than three pints without walking into shop windows.
7. Have any more children.
Seven things that attract me to my spouse:
1. Her cheekbones.
2. Her curves.
3. Her attention to detail and ability to finish tasks.
4. The way she makes any room nicer, cleaner and tidier with so little effort.
5. Her style.
6. She loves me.
7. The genuine possibility of no. 4 in seven things to do before I die happening, or any of its close relations.
Seven things I say most often
1. Hello Steve Tilley speaking.
2. A pint of the guest please.
3. Absolutely.
4. Quite.
5. Why not?
6. Pardon.
7. Shall we eat out?
Seven books (or series) I love (at this precise moment)
1. The West Wing.
2. The complete works of Douglas Adams.
3. The complete works of Christopher Brookmyre.
4. 24.
5. Brian McLaren - The Story We Find Ourselves In.
6. The complete works of Carl Hiaasen.
7. The Pig That Wants to be Eaten - and 99 other thought experiments - Julian Bagini.
Seven movies I watch over and over again (or would watch over and over if I had the time)
1. Where Eagles Dare.
2. Crocodile Dundee 1.
3. Crocodile Dundee 2.
4. Die Hard.
5. Groundhog Day.
6. Ghostbusters.
7. Trading Places.
Seven people I want to join in, too (who might have the time and inclination to do this)
1. Boris Johnson.
2. Finker.
3. Andy Bastable.
4. Dave Walker.
5. Simon Carr.
6. Bob (no chance).
7. Some random woman.
Seven things to do before I die:
1. Have a screenplay made.
2. Play in a really good band.
3. Make my house great.
4. xxxx in the xxxx with xxxxxx dressed in her xxxxxxxxx, xxxx-xxxxx, black xxxxxx-xxx and no xxxxxxxx.
5. Be interviewed for my opinion on a matter of importance.
6. See an end to global poverty.
7. Sort out my study without losing its mystery and wonder.
Seven things I cannot do
1. Play drums.
2. Ever smoke again.
3. Believe the whole Bible is history.
4. Sing a decent range.
5. Fix technology , or indeed anything.
6. Drink more than three pints without walking into shop windows.
7. Have any more children.
Seven things that attract me to my spouse:
1. Her cheekbones.
2. Her curves.
3. Her attention to detail and ability to finish tasks.
4. The way she makes any room nicer, cleaner and tidier with so little effort.
5. Her style.
6. She loves me.
7. The genuine possibility of no. 4 in seven things to do before I die happening, or any of its close relations.
Seven things I say most often
1. Hello Steve Tilley speaking.
2. A pint of the guest please.
3. Absolutely.
4. Quite.
5. Why not?
6. Pardon.
7. Shall we eat out?
Seven books (or series) I love (at this precise moment)
1. The West Wing.
2. The complete works of Douglas Adams.
3. The complete works of Christopher Brookmyre.
4. 24.
5. Brian McLaren - The Story We Find Ourselves In.
6. The complete works of Carl Hiaasen.
7. The Pig That Wants to be Eaten - and 99 other thought experiments - Julian Bagini.
Seven movies I watch over and over again (or would watch over and over if I had the time)
1. Where Eagles Dare.
2. Crocodile Dundee 1.
3. Crocodile Dundee 2.
4. Die Hard.
5. Groundhog Day.
6. Ghostbusters.
7. Trading Places.
Seven people I want to join in, too (who might have the time and inclination to do this)
1. Boris Johnson.
2. Finker.
3. Andy Bastable.
4. Dave Walker.
5. Simon Carr.
6. Bob (no chance).
7. Some random woman.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Premiership Survival Strategy
Warning. Blokey, stato-like footie post follows:
I like this strategy. It appeals to my sense of planning which means that you can reinterpret earlier achievements in the light of later developments. So if West Brom lose at home to Wigan (as we did) in an early match it looks like a disaster since they were recently promoted and would be expected to finish in the bottom three or four. But their form and results now show that they are a top ten side and the score doesn't look so bad - one point dropped not three.
To avoid relegation
Take 4 points off the other 9 teams who will eventually finish in the bottom half of the table by winning at home and drawing away.
Take 6 points off the next 6 teams by drawing at home.
TOTAL = 42
To finish comfortably mid table.
Take 4 points off the 10 teams who will eventually finish in the bottom half of the table by winning at home and drawing away.
Take 3 points off the next 6 teams by winning at home.
TOTAL = 58
To get into Europe or possibly scrape fourth Champions League spot
Take 6 points off the clubs who will be relegated
Take 4 points off the next 7 teams by winning at home and drawing away
Take 3 points off the next 6 teams
Scrape 3 points from somewhere against the other top 4 teams
TOTAL = 67
To win the League
Take 6 points off the bottom 10 teams
Take 4 points off the next 6 teams by winning at home and drawing away
Take 6 points off other 3 top 4 teams by drawing all the games
TOTAL = 90
Currently West Brom are 6 points behind schedule and heading for 36 points; 2 more than last season's escape act gave us but unlikely to be enough this time round.
I like this strategy. It appeals to my sense of planning which means that you can reinterpret earlier achievements in the light of later developments. So if West Brom lose at home to Wigan (as we did) in an early match it looks like a disaster since they were recently promoted and would be expected to finish in the bottom three or four. But their form and results now show that they are a top ten side and the score doesn't look so bad - one point dropped not three.
To avoid relegation
Take 4 points off the other 9 teams who will eventually finish in the bottom half of the table by winning at home and drawing away.
Take 6 points off the next 6 teams by drawing at home.
TOTAL = 42
To finish comfortably mid table.
Take 4 points off the 10 teams who will eventually finish in the bottom half of the table by winning at home and drawing away.
Take 3 points off the next 6 teams by winning at home.
TOTAL = 58
To get into Europe or possibly scrape fourth Champions League spot
Take 6 points off the clubs who will be relegated
Take 4 points off the next 7 teams by winning at home and drawing away
Take 3 points off the next 6 teams
Scrape 3 points from somewhere against the other top 4 teams
TOTAL = 67
To win the League
Take 6 points off the bottom 10 teams
Take 4 points off the next 6 teams by winning at home and drawing away
Take 6 points off other 3 top 4 teams by drawing all the games
TOTAL = 90
Currently West Brom are 6 points behind schedule and heading for 36 points; 2 more than last season's escape act gave us but unlikely to be enough this time round.
Ken Dodd tribute joke
What a wonderful day ladies and gentlemen. What a time of year to take the Advent wreath off the front door, sail it out to sea and back and throw it on the shore. After all, 'Tis the season to beach holly'.
Ken Dodd's not dead or anything, I just woke up with a new joke; please have it as a gift for any Christmas preaching.
When I was at school our favourite tongue twister was 'Ken Dodd's Dad's dog's dead.'
Ken Dodd's not dead or anything, I just woke up with a new joke; please have it as a gift for any Christmas preaching.
When I was at school our favourite tongue twister was 'Ken Dodd's Dad's dog's dead.'
Monday, December 19, 2005
Christmas Lights
Think the whole Christmas house-light thing has gone too far? Want to stop global warming and unsustainable resource draining? This guy doesn't (it so has to be a guy). Thank God for your next door neighbours' restraint as you watch this. Volume up; loud now.
Christmas 2005
Just to say, for those of you anxious to read our world-famous Christmas newsletter and its alleged details of our personal lives, it is now published here. Comments from previous recipients include:
'We look forward to getting your letter and trying to discern your news.' (A retired archdeacon)
'No idea what you're talking about.' (Most others)
'Very funny; who are you again?' (Wrong address)
'Thanks we laughed until we had to change our pants.' (The four or five people we care most about)
Please feel free to send a copy to Simon Hoggard at the Guardian.
'We look forward to getting your letter and trying to discern your news.' (A retired archdeacon)
'No idea what you're talking about.' (Most others)
'Very funny; who are you again?' (Wrong address)
'Thanks we laughed until we had to change our pants.' (The four or five people we care most about)
Please feel free to send a copy to Simon Hoggard at the Guardian.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
On Computers
I've been away for a bit. Not away from the computer. I've been away from doing anything useful exept trying to cure the computer for the last 36 hours and have emerged triumphant. On Thursday night my Norton anti-virus software decided that the Norton Firewall was a virus and quarantined it. It refused to allow any access to it even to uninstall all Norton programmes completely. Big up to Richard at PC Peace of Mind - pcdoctor@pcpeaceofmind.co.uk who talked me down and then through the process for downloading the softare to remove the programmes that had ceased protecting my computer and started attacking it.
A computer which is attacked by its own immune system can only be described as suffering from advanced HIV.
I now have free anti-virus and firewall protection and a computer that once again does the few simple things I ask of it. Nothing Norton anywhere. Or Symantec. Now I need to sleep without undertaking mental downloads.
I'll be blogging properly tomorrow then. Laters.
A computer which is attacked by its own immune system can only be described as suffering from advanced HIV.
I now have free anti-virus and firewall protection and a computer that once again does the few simple things I ask of it. Nothing Norton anywhere. Or Symantec. Now I need to sleep without undertaking mental downloads.
I'll be blogging properly tomorrow then. Laters.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Pedantry
Four of us sitting around celebrating Bob's 50th birthday with a pub lunch in the Star and Garter. Sadly the Old Bob was no more and the Reverend James ran out before we got to try it. After a particularly petty intervention by someone I said, 'Just what I wanted - lunch with a bunch of pedants.'
Joe said, 'Can three people be a bunch?'
Respect. Priceless.
Joe said, 'Can three people be a bunch?'
Respect. Priceless.
Stuff for Advent
Finished the Christmas news-letter. Not blogged yet but previous efforts here if you want to get in the mood. Good job because Mrs T rejected it as too newsy and not funny enough. It has to score at least three laugh-out-louds when she reads it to be worth publishing. Re-read it and agree it's more clever than funny which isn't funny or clever. Clever doesn't suit me.
Latest tombstone suggestion. 'He was a funny man.' This to replace 'I knew it was my fault I just didn't know how.'
Anyway put on a few tunes to get inspiration and managed to complete an article for Crusaders (still called that but watch this space). Why can I only do work as a displacement activity for fun?
Changed mood by playing the soundtrack from 'O Brother Where Art Thou' then Traffic's 'On the Road' live from 1973.
Discovered the Q 'Best of 2005 sampler' (the blue one not the yellow one, hope you didn't buy the yellow one) was really good.
Christmas letter getting there.
Surfed. Found a chav nativity. Laughed. Ta Darren and co.
Added jokes to Christmas letter. Removed libelous stuff after due consideration. Now may just qualify as amusing.
Latest tombstone suggestion. 'He was a funny man.' This to replace 'I knew it was my fault I just didn't know how.'
Anyway put on a few tunes to get inspiration and managed to complete an article for Crusaders (still called that but watch this space). Why can I only do work as a displacement activity for fun?
Changed mood by playing the soundtrack from 'O Brother Where Art Thou' then Traffic's 'On the Road' live from 1973.
Discovered the Q 'Best of 2005 sampler' (the blue one not the yellow one, hope you didn't buy the yellow one) was really good.
Christmas letter getting there.
Surfed. Found a chav nativity. Laughed. Ta Darren and co.
Added jokes to Christmas letter. Removed libelous stuff after due consideration. Now may just qualify as amusing.
The blogspot spellchecker doesn't recognise the word 'blogged'.
Must do Christmas shopping and food shopping. Think I'll pop out for lunch and a pint.
Have been asked to lay my hands on a 50 year old Morris Minor which is about to be driven to Africa. As in 'pray for' rather than 'find'.
This is the stuff of the ordinary day of a person with two jobs. Which one should I do full-time? Vote now.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Frances Ridley Havergal
After an interesting evening with Andy I promised I'd blog a picture of the woman who features in his address. Here she is. Frances Ridley Havergal. Hymn writer, first organist of St Paul's Church when it was built in 1873 and former Leamingtonian.A poet and hymnist, she was born at Astley, Worcestershire, in 1836, the youngest daughter of Rev. William Henry Havergal, who composed hymn tunes and other sacred music. The house was a very musical place.
A delicate child, she was initially educated at home by her mother and eldest sister. When she was six years old the family moved to a temporary home at Henwick House, Hallow, outside Worcester. In 1845 they moved into the city of Worcester to St. Nicholas Rectory where her father was to be the minister for the next 15 years. Failing health led him to take a job in 1860 as curate of St Mary and St. Luke, Shareshill, Staffordshire. On retirement in 1867 the family moved to Leamington.
During all these years, Frances lived at home, interspersed with short periods of schooling and extended trips in this country and abroad. On her step-mother's death in 1878 she moved to Caswell Bay, Swansea, South Wales, where she died on 3 June, 1879 after a bout of pneumonia. She was 42.
She was a prolific writer, knowledgeable of at least six languages and whilst in Wales learnt enough Welsh to understand chapel. She sang well.
The hymn 'Take my life and let it be' is perhaps her best known work.
In adulthood she had a series of physical breakdowns and was a periodic sufferer of headaches and depression.
Amazing then that she wrote:
Take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of thy love;
take my feet and let them be
swift and beautiful for thee?
My office is in the Upper Havergal Room.
Sexist Guff
How female are you? Answer yes or no unless otherwise indicated.
1. Can you quickly name an issue you can deal with personally and privately without involving anyone else in discussion? (yes = 1 point; no = 0)
2. What is the time to the nearest ten minutes (you may not look at a watch or clock until after you have guessed)? (successfully guessed = 1 point; failed = 0; looked at watch before finishing reading instructions = 1)
3. Point east. (successfully identified = 1 point; failed, or don't know how to check = 0)
4. Can you say what you want for supper immediately? (yes = 1 point; no = 0)
5. Do you take a box of tissues to the cinema ? (yes = 0 points; no = 1)
6. Do you know what your correct tyre pressures are? (yes = 1 point; no = 0)
7. Are you finding this funny so far? (yes = 1 point; no = 0)
8. Are your CDs/records/tapes in some sort of order? (yes = 1 point; no = 0; tasteful order based on colour of sleeve = 0)
9. Without looking, do you know what sort of shoes the nearest woman is wearing? (yes = 0 points; no = 1 point; sexy, strappy high-heels over a shapely ankle = 1)
10. In what circumstances might you shout ‘offside?’ (never = no points; any other circumstances = 1 point)
Score 0 Yes, you are definitely a woman
Score 1-3 You may be a woman or simply very in touch with your feminine side
Score 4-6 You are probably a man but you have let things slip a bit recently
Score 7-9 Beer?
Score 10 Offside surely
Lack of heterosexuality may bias the results
Monday, December 12, 2005
Claptrap
Is there any other sort of trap? Happytrap? Funtrap? Clap comes from the German or possibly Dutch word for 'to pat'. Why is talking rubbish about patting a trap? Help.
Advent
Dave Walker has an excellent 'Cartoon-a -day' for advent, an antidote to all the claptrap we hear spoken in this season.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Ventures
There's a chain on the high street these days called Ventures. It looks like a photographer's studio shop with funk but it is much more and much less than that.
We (Liz and I) paid £25 for an hour's studio time. This entitles us to one 7" x 5" picture after the hour in the studio.
The hour in the studio was great fun as we were put through a number of scenarios and activities in a variety of clothes - not shoes though. As shoe-lovers we thought carefully about our choice of footware only to be told to take them off. It feels weird wearing business suits with no shoes on. We had to plead for a shot with shoes on at the end.
Now here's the thing. The only preview of our shots will be a projected display, set to music, in a week's time. We will see no other proofs. The shots will not be available to us electroncally (so no new blog picture yet). We can only buy them in certain formats for living room display at costs of up to £2,000 each. An album of fifteen shots is £850 or so. We can't use them to send all our Christmas card receivers a nice picture of us. Stop tittering.
So we will see all these amazing images, which will almost certainly be better than any we have ever seen before, and will find our heart-strings tugged to want to buy them.
If you are a relatively poor family, passing the shop, and see the great family portraits in the window and the £25 price for a family introductory offer, you are probably going to end up making a decision to over-spend. Yes folks, the price list includes the credit terms.
We will probably over-spend. We can afford to make over-spending decisions these days. I could buy a new car within my Mastercard limit. But just beware of this highly skilled, customer-focused retail experience, gang. They'll get you. In the nicest posible way.
Liz said that for quality time staring into each other's eyes for an hour £25 was worth the money and we should do it every week.
We (Liz and I) paid £25 for an hour's studio time. This entitles us to one 7" x 5" picture after the hour in the studio.
The hour in the studio was great fun as we were put through a number of scenarios and activities in a variety of clothes - not shoes though. As shoe-lovers we thought carefully about our choice of footware only to be told to take them off. It feels weird wearing business suits with no shoes on. We had to plead for a shot with shoes on at the end.
Now here's the thing. The only preview of our shots will be a projected display, set to music, in a week's time. We will see no other proofs. The shots will not be available to us electroncally (so no new blog picture yet). We can only buy them in certain formats for living room display at costs of up to £2,000 each. An album of fifteen shots is £850 or so. We can't use them to send all our Christmas card receivers a nice picture of us. Stop tittering.
So we will see all these amazing images, which will almost certainly be better than any we have ever seen before, and will find our heart-strings tugged to want to buy them.
If you are a relatively poor family, passing the shop, and see the great family portraits in the window and the £25 price for a family introductory offer, you are probably going to end up making a decision to over-spend. Yes folks, the price list includes the credit terms.
We will probably over-spend. We can afford to make over-spending decisions these days. I could buy a new car within my Mastercard limit. But just beware of this highly skilled, customer-focused retail experience, gang. They'll get you. In the nicest posible way.
Liz said that for quality time staring into each other's eyes for an hour £25 was worth the money and we should do it every week.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Christmas Poem
As did this, courtesy of a Coventry Diocesan mailing:
BC:AD
This was the moment when Before
Turned into After, and the future's
Uninvented timekeepers presented arms.
This was the moment when nothing
Happened. Only dull peace
Sprawled boringly over the earth.
This was the moment when even energetic Romans
Could find nothing better to do
Than counting heads in remote provinces.
And this was the moment
When a few farm workers and three
Members of an obscure Persian sect
Walked haphazard by starlight straight
Into the kingdom of heaven.
by U. A. Fanthorpe
BC:AD
This was the moment when Before
Turned into After, and the future's
Uninvented timekeepers presented arms.
This was the moment when nothing
Happened. Only dull peace
Sprawled boringly over the earth.
This was the moment when even energetic Romans
Could find nothing better to do
Than counting heads in remote provinces.
And this was the moment
When a few farm workers and three
Members of an obscure Persian sect
Walked haphazard by starlight straight
Into the kingdom of heaven.
by U. A. Fanthorpe
Fantasy Land
As Narnianess and Potterness hit the pre-Christmas world this helped me today:
'As Christians, we should not simply be looking for the growth and development of rational, orderly, logical minds that think they know a fact when they see one, and are suspicious of ‘story’. If we wish to encourage the maturing of wise adults, then we should look for imaginative lateral thinking that knows there are half understood other worlds; that there is a battle of good against evil, that justice is built into the universe, that there is a place, through some crack in the fabric of creation, where the glory of a redeemed and renewed world fulfils all our dreams and hopes.
'Fantasy is very good for us and, although we may not realise it at the time, it can help to prepare our hearts for the enormity and riches of God’s truth.'
Margaret Killingray
From the LICC weekly mailing.
'As Christians, we should not simply be looking for the growth and development of rational, orderly, logical minds that think they know a fact when they see one, and are suspicious of ‘story’. If we wish to encourage the maturing of wise adults, then we should look for imaginative lateral thinking that knows there are half understood other worlds; that there is a battle of good against evil, that justice is built into the universe, that there is a place, through some crack in the fabric of creation, where the glory of a redeemed and renewed world fulfils all our dreams and hopes.
'Fantasy is very good for us and, although we may not realise it at the time, it can help to prepare our hearts for the enormity and riches of God’s truth.'
Margaret Killingray
From the LICC weekly mailing.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Mustard News
A new heading as MSS will occasionally bring you extracts from the news which you may have missed. It will also make connections in ways you couldn't possibly imagine.
David Cameron, for instance, was not alive when England last won the football World Cup. Indeed every candidate for the top Shadow Cabinet posts apart from David Davis is younger than me.
If David Willetts gets the job people are tipping him for then two guys from the year below me at school will be Chief Master of the old school and Secretary of State for Education. I think my year under-achieved.
Druids of the Mistletoe Foundation have blessed the market of the new crop in Tenbury Wells. Mistletoe is a highly favoured crop amongst druids because it never touches the ground and takes no nourishment from the earth. Druids believe this is a good thing.
Wayne Rooney likes lettuce a lot according to his girlfriend.
Conclusion. Feed Wayne Rooney mistletoe and vote labour and we may well win the World Cup.
Or not. This was not nearly as amusing as it looked like it was going to be when I embarked upon it. I need more practice. Will post this so you will be able to see how much I have improved when I have improved.
David Cameron, for instance, was not alive when England last won the football World Cup. Indeed every candidate for the top Shadow Cabinet posts apart from David Davis is younger than me.
If David Willetts gets the job people are tipping him for then two guys from the year below me at school will be Chief Master of the old school and Secretary of State for Education. I think my year under-achieved.
Druids of the Mistletoe Foundation have blessed the market of the new crop in Tenbury Wells. Mistletoe is a highly favoured crop amongst druids because it never touches the ground and takes no nourishment from the earth. Druids believe this is a good thing.
Wayne Rooney likes lettuce a lot according to his girlfriend.
Conclusion. Feed Wayne Rooney mistletoe and vote labour and we may well win the World Cup.
Or not. This was not nearly as amusing as it looked like it was going to be when I embarked upon it. I need more practice. Will post this so you will be able to see how much I have improved when I have improved.
Crusaders
The soon-probably-not-to-be called Crusaders were invoiced by e-mail on 5/12 for work done in November and I received the cheque today 8/12 at 7.45 a.m. Congratulations to them, especially their two authorised signatorys and the fine people at the Royal Mail or whatever they've changed their name to. Respect. Trade justice for all.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Big Blogger
Hello BB how are you?
You rang master.
Yes BB. How come I feel guilty paying others to do jobs I don't want to do?
You want me to go into your psyche again. I'ts horrible in there.
Oh go on.
£50 an hour.
How much?
It's cheaper than the gardeners.
There's three of them.
Special deal. Half-price for the first hour.
OK then.
(BB disappears)
BB?
BB?
Sorry. It's rough in here. Found an emotional coupling rupture.
A what?
We call them ECRs.
And?
You have a dependency circuit connected to a coping mechanism. Everytime you pay someone to do something you can't do it normally over-rides. Yours isn't.
Is it swertious?
Is it what?
Swertious. It's like serious only typed quicker.
I've told you about that.
I know. But is it?
Well it means that not only will you feel guilty when you pay someone to do something. You'll also feel guilty when you ask someone to do it unless they are a friend who has an automatic over-ride. I'll disconnect.
Hey, the guilt's gone.
Excellent. By the way there are a lot of other emotional circuits that have been disconnected. Shall I put them back while I'm down here?
(Screams) No! Get out. Cheque please.
You rang master.
Yes BB. How come I feel guilty paying others to do jobs I don't want to do?
You want me to go into your psyche again. I'ts horrible in there.
Oh go on.
£50 an hour.
How much?
It's cheaper than the gardeners.
There's three of them.
Special deal. Half-price for the first hour.
OK then.
(BB disappears)
BB?
BB?
Sorry. It's rough in here. Found an emotional coupling rupture.
A what?
We call them ECRs.
And?
You have a dependency circuit connected to a coping mechanism. Everytime you pay someone to do something you can't do it normally over-rides. Yours isn't.
Is it swertious?
Is it what?
Swertious. It's like serious only typed quicker.
I've told you about that.
I know. But is it?
Well it means that not only will you feel guilty when you pay someone to do something. You'll also feel guilty when you ask someone to do it unless they are a friend who has an automatic over-ride. I'll disconnect.
Hey, the guilt's gone.
Excellent. By the way there are a lot of other emotional circuits that have been disconnected. Shall I put them back while I'm down here?
(Screams) No! Get out. Cheque please.
Practical Things
I am not very practical. Furthermore, I do not particularly enjoy practical tasks unless they are incredibly easy - put out chairs, unlock doors, that sort of thing. Around the house I do the ironing, cooking, washing, shopping, recycling and bins - all very straightforward although I fear I may have just shrunk my only John Smedley which depresses me no end. I bleach a mean toilet.
Liz does the cleaning because she has higher standards than me and is simply better at it anyway. I'm not good at fiddly corners. I sneeze at the first sight of dust. I have no completer-finisher skills.
Over the years I have taken the view that I would rather do a little extra writing work to earn a bit more money in order to afford to pay someone to decorate or do DIY. It is difficult finding reliable people though. I am about to contact my third builder after two kept me waiting for a year each. It's just a pointing and brick-laying job.
I have just agreed to pay some people to come and do the autumn pruning and clear up my miniscule garden. I don't like gardening unless I can design the garden myself and make it pretty Zen (thus empty of maintenance-requiring shrubs). If one day I move into a Rectory (please Lord, no) I will do gardening in work time and not on my day off.
So can someone please explain the feeling of guilt. I am helping someone else to be employed. I am spending more time doing what I love. My parents had a regular supply of gardeners and paid help. Is it that I want to be seen to be good at everything and coping without help?
Come here BB; we need to talk.
Liz does the cleaning because she has higher standards than me and is simply better at it anyway. I'm not good at fiddly corners. I sneeze at the first sight of dust. I have no completer-finisher skills.
Over the years I have taken the view that I would rather do a little extra writing work to earn a bit more money in order to afford to pay someone to decorate or do DIY. It is difficult finding reliable people though. I am about to contact my third builder after two kept me waiting for a year each. It's just a pointing and brick-laying job.
I have just agreed to pay some people to come and do the autumn pruning and clear up my miniscule garden. I don't like gardening unless I can design the garden myself and make it pretty Zen (thus empty of maintenance-requiring shrubs). If one day I move into a Rectory (please Lord, no) I will do gardening in work time and not on my day off.
So can someone please explain the feeling of guilt. I am helping someone else to be employed. I am spending more time doing what I love. My parents had a regular supply of gardeners and paid help. Is it that I want to be seen to be good at everything and coping without help?
Come here BB; we need to talk.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Christmas Newsletters
If anyone would like their Christmas newsletter written for them I charge £21.50 an hour. I can base it on information you provide or simply make it up.
Examples of my work are here.
Examples of my work are here.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Subtle Christianity
On a Radio 4, Today Programme, Thought for the Day this week Anne Atkins said she had never met anyone who hadn't read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. The obvious comment is that she could get out more; the less obvious is how many people forget they have met me (it was once, in 1986 or 7 and we didn't discuss C.S. Lewis) but I can give evidence that she was talking dingos kidneys - not the first time I have thought that.
I read The Times today in a coffee shop. There was a moving piece about a 2nd World War pilot, Bob Millar, whose daughter had spent 60 years trying to find out what happened to him. All she had by which to judge the father she lost was a letter he had written to her on her first birthday. It was written in too educated a style for her to be able to understand it for several more years, yet giving the girl (now a woman aged 60) a lifelong quest which has recently ended in an Italian lake and the discovery of the wreckage of an aircraft.
The letter included the request that she, '...cling tight to the subtle thing that we call Christianity...' I loved that phrase and borrowed a pen off the waiter to write it down. I didn't have a pen because when out with Lizzie I try not to be an introverted writer character who goes off into his own little world. Not having a pen means I can't write my thoughts down so I may as well stay in the more concrete world and talk.
I read Lizzie the phrase and she said it sounded a bit like C. S. Lewis. Big up to him then. I have not only not read The Lion, The Witch... but I have also not read all the rest of C. S. Lewis although I have dipped and occasionally quoted. There is much interest in him with the Christmas release of the first Narnia film. There are so many books I have not read I thought of putting a list on my side-bar (notice I've learned how to do that - two cheers please).
But I head into this week determined to cling tight to the subtle thing that is Christianity and to hell in a handcart with all those vehement fundamentalists who will cross my path. My faith is subtle. I like it that way.
Of course also note that I disappeared into my study for 20 minutes to write this so even though it is a Saturday and a day free from work responsibilities there is no way my introverted writer character can be shaken off. Anyway Lizzie is busy making the meal for tonight.
I read The Times today in a coffee shop. There was a moving piece about a 2nd World War pilot, Bob Millar, whose daughter had spent 60 years trying to find out what happened to him. All she had by which to judge the father she lost was a letter he had written to her on her first birthday. It was written in too educated a style for her to be able to understand it for several more years, yet giving the girl (now a woman aged 60) a lifelong quest which has recently ended in an Italian lake and the discovery of the wreckage of an aircraft.
The letter included the request that she, '...cling tight to the subtle thing that we call Christianity...' I loved that phrase and borrowed a pen off the waiter to write it down. I didn't have a pen because when out with Lizzie I try not to be an introverted writer character who goes off into his own little world. Not having a pen means I can't write my thoughts down so I may as well stay in the more concrete world and talk.
I read Lizzie the phrase and she said it sounded a bit like C. S. Lewis. Big up to him then. I have not only not read The Lion, The Witch... but I have also not read all the rest of C. S. Lewis although I have dipped and occasionally quoted. There is much interest in him with the Christmas release of the first Narnia film. There are so many books I have not read I thought of putting a list on my side-bar (notice I've learned how to do that - two cheers please).
But I head into this week determined to cling tight to the subtle thing that is Christianity and to hell in a handcart with all those vehement fundamentalists who will cross my path. My faith is subtle. I like it that way.
Of course also note that I disappeared into my study for 20 minutes to write this so even though it is a Saturday and a day free from work responsibilities there is no way my introverted writer character can be shaken off. Anyway Lizzie is busy making the meal for tonight.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Sex and the Cynics
Just out this week:
Sex and the Cynics - Talking About the Search for Love
Damaris Books
Talking About series
Edited by Tony Watkins
Written by Nick Pollard with Steve Couch, Annie Porthouse, Tony Watkins, Peter S. Williams and others. I am one of the 'others' and wrote the chapter called Up Close and Personal - A Biblical Perspective on Love.
Sex and the Cynics - Talking About the Search for Love
Damaris Books
Talking About series
Edited by Tony Watkins
Written by Nick Pollard with Steve Couch, Annie Porthouse, Tony Watkins, Peter S. Williams and others. I am one of the 'others' and wrote the chapter called Up Close and Personal - A Biblical Perspective on Love.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Pensions Apology
Just a brief glimpse into small town life for you all. In a population of 55,000 it is likely that 5,500 will have no sense of humour. Minimum. This is no reason not to crack jokes or try and be amusing but the following is a genuine apology in this week's Leamington Spa Observer - a free newspaper. Or perhaps a news-free paper, I can never remember.
'We would like to apologise for any offence caused by Michael Butcher's letter last week - Public pensions. Mr Butcher was not seriously suggesting that pensioners should be the subject of a mass cull to deal with the pensions crisis.'
Hope that's cleared that up.
Boris Johnson has a good piece on the pensions crisis. Very funny.
'We would like to apologise for any offence caused by Michael Butcher's letter last week - Public pensions. Mr Butcher was not seriously suggesting that pensioners should be the subject of a mass cull to deal with the pensions crisis.'
Hope that's cleared that up.
Boris Johnson has a good piece on the pensions crisis. Very funny.
Organic Vegetables
This week's offering included kohl rabi, which is a new one on me. Here it is. My version isn't purple but light green.You can shave it thin and put it in salads or lightly cook it, so I read. It is a bulbous cabbage rather than a root vegtable.
If I don't blog for a few days you'll know I undercooked it. Not a charge levelled against me in most other areas of my life.
Any further suggestions for recipes gratefully received.
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